I've thought my way out of happiness a million times

(but I have never thought my way into it)


I have this theory that everyone kind of knows everything about their own dramas.
By which I mean, instinctively you know it. Sometimes we don't want to know it, but we do.

We run it by our friends to filter it and talk it out and clarify, but I think when getting advice it's just to cement something we already know or to try and convince ourselves it's different than we know it to be...

Advice columns are generally the same shit different wording time after time but we seem to be addicted to convincing ourselves that things will work out. No they won't. You know they won't.
If you're even asking, then they won't.

HAHAHAHAHAHA AWESOME.

I should definitely be an advice columnist! Write in to me!

Obviously this gets way less cut and dry in actual long-term relationships (what are those, again?). Obviously there are exceptions, etc.

I tried to watch that movie, He's Just Not That Into You (also, why is the 'not' italicized on the posters?) and it was one of the worst things I've ever encountered in my natural born life. Really brutal.
Buuuut not a bad point.


A year or two (two years now? I think so, wow.) I dated a fellow for a few months and I quite, quite liked him. It had been a while since I'd wanted to date anyone exclusively, but for him...
After we broke up we then started seeing each other a bit again, only on his terms but when we did it was just like we were dating again.
He was/is very fond of pretending things to himself like that he cares about me very much and that he should tell me this.
His tendency to call me late at night when he was away playing shows and tell me about how his missed me was especially awful.

I ran all of this by multiple friends (as is my wont) and my one friend in particular loved telling me about how this fellow was completely in love with me and in denial about it.

Not the case.

Her theory is that she wants all of her girlfriends to feel like they are the most amazing desirable beautiful people in the world (which we are, guaranteed - you should see her stable of lady-babes) and so obviously that dude should be in love with me.

But he was/is not (no matter how often I hear from him at 2 a.m. Still.).

What I needed for advice was "he will never, ever be in love with you" which is the closest thing to the truth.

Part of being that ultimate desirable person that my friend wants us all to be is knowing when to walk away. Really walk away.

But, then also we should trust our instincts when it comes to knowing when situations deserve extra effort.
I recently put a lot of effort into a friendship with a dude who I had been involved with at one point. And by all rights it appeared as if we should not/could not be friends. Could not hang out without fighting, could not communicate on any level, could not understand each other.
And any advice column would have told me to let it go but I didn't feel like I could.
And who knows how this will all end up, but bottom line is that I do not regret any of that effort (I regret how shitty I acted in some of our fights, for sure, holy for sure) because I honestly care about him as a dude. I think he's pretty great and want to continue knowing him.


Babes do not like to written about on the internet.



Haha one time that first guy mentioned reading my blog and his comment on it was:
"I saw a video on there. You were talking about balls or something. You really shouldn't talk about that."







(beginning bit of lyrics from Maybe Smith)

Tonight, If I Were You - Friday May 29th

If I didn't have to work the Blue Jays versus Red Sox game tonight (moneymoneymoney) then I would for sure book it out to Ward Island and lie in the sun.
When the sun went down I would then make my way to the island association clubhouse to see The Weather Station play. (8 pm-ish PWYC)


Slim Twig CD release tonight at the Horseshoe, I'd be especially wanting to see the covers set featuring members of $100, Creeping Nobodies, etc. (10pm, $10)
I secretly love covers so much. Maybe I should just hang out at Gracie's and Beer Markt? ugh.


Also, tomorrow at 12 noon there is a Drummers for Darfur march.
Again, if I didn't have to work (moneymoneymoney) I would so be there to make a lot of loud noises and run about. Because that is totally what I like to do.
Meet at Grange park at noon, traveling to Trinity Bellwoods.

it had something to do with the rain

Maybe it's the rain, I don't know. I'm feeling sort of sad, worn-out around the edges.
I don't feel like getting into anything I don't feel up to arguments or effort.
Yeah, maybe it's the rain.

I do not feel like getting my hopes up or trying for something/someone.
Tomorrow will be better, I'm deciding.

It's actually really lovely out right now. The fog. The lights through the fog.
Palmerston Boulevard looked to me just like that scene in MSCL with Brian and Angela after she almost got arrested but instead talked about Anne Frank with the police officer and stuff.
Wow that whole episode.
When Angela comes out of the shower and is in a towel and is on the way to her room and she runs into her dad and he's so awkward that she's in a towel ("my breasts have come between us")
Graham: How's school?
Angela: Well.. I'm beginning to like Anne Frank
Graham: Oh, yeah? Is she a girl in your class?
Angela: No, she's dead.
Graham: Ohh...
Angela: Anne Frank, Dad. Anne Frank!

I wrote that out from memory.

My friend got her wisdom teeth out (all four!) and she's at Dollface's recuperating and I brought her some soup and chocolate pudding when I went to walk Kaya and the friend was all bundled up, sad-like and in pain and I felt bad for her
but then also a bit like I wanted to be bundled up and taken care of.
Without the pain part maybe though.

How is it Friday already? I meant to get more done this week!





(I can't remember the sound that you found for me)

Tonight, If I Were You - Thursday May 28th

It's the start of the Pitter Patter Festival tonight. Various artists and venues around town. For partying-all-the-time!

and if you were me you'd probably be going to Lee's Palace tonight for the Dog Day CD release party (9 p.m. $7)

And if you were a responsible version of me you would be spending the evening still trying to rescue all the f-ing photos off my computer.
My wrists hurt!

missed connections!

Fine. I read the craigslist missed connections. Fine, I do it. Now you can all go ahead and post fake ones for me and I will totally fall for it and you can laugh at me.

Okay, but, maybe this one is about Dollface?

Tall and elegant girl at The Wrong Bar - Grand Analog Album Release - m4w

You were dancing at the front right side of the stage all night with your girlfriends. You were so beautiful, tall and elegant. Your eyes were breathtaking. As you were leaving and saying bye to your friends I said bye and waved at you ... we made eye contact and you smiled at me.

I would love to get to know you.

Maaaybe?? Probably not. But that was where we were standing. I don't know if I'd call her elegant (seeing as we apparently fell over together at one point and I have no recollection of that happening) and she's not that tall, really.
But men do have a tendency to fall in love with her on sight.
I know I did.

Tonight, If I Were You - Wednesday May 27th

Silver Dollar has High Lonesome Wednesdays with bluegrass by Crazy Strings.
I used to go to this all the time when it was free. And even sometimes when it cost three dollars. It is a solid good time and I very much recommend it. They play several sets throughout the night and you should dance.

Bad Dog has Harold night tonight. Long form improv. I love improv. (8 p.m. - $5)
Why is it that I don't do more improv?



Hmm besides that if I were you I'd stay home and get some sleep. You probably need it.
Too bad I'm not you.

secret tweet

"I cyber-stalk almost everyone that I even remotely know"

"I didn't promote someone because they voted yes on Prop. 8."

"I consciously use poor grammar in online conversations to avoid the embarrassment of peer criticism. I die a little inside each time."

secrettweet.com

OUCH THE WINES

aw man, why would I ever possibly think that I should drink as much as Dollface is drinking? What is even wrong with me?
So many delicious wines last night though. I know nothing about wines but I know what I like and I liked that white one that had a name that meant vagina in Italian.
It was smooth.



Shambers' friend/my friend, the lovely Kibbles&Bits, was there also for the restaurant she's working for. She kept putting bits of her wine in the bucket. DON'T PUT THE WINES IN THE BUCKET I'LL DRINK THEM!
We talked about babes. K&B is very very pretty and was getting chatted up. I was pleased.

There were a couple of babes at the wine tasting and I looked at them. They looked like men. When does that switchover happen? Where people look like actual real-time grown-ups?



From the wine tasting we stopped by 751 for skater night to say hi to Deck. Deck accused me of being drunk. I do not know what would've given him that impression except maybe my hiccoughs?

Thennn we did actually end up going to Grand Analog's CD release. I will say that those guys always put on a solid show. We danced, I remember that much.
My best friend from childhood, Prune, is best friends with Dollface's best friend and they all work together. I know Dollface through Prune in a roundabout way.
Anyway, we hung together last night and some people may or may not have been eating hash brownies. But not me because I'm no good at doing drugs. They just aren't really for me.




From Wrongbar DF and I went up to Dakota and it was dead but whatever, that gives us the privacy to chat... Hung out. Had a drink. Because I definitely needed more drinks at that point.

And after we hit up Lakeview because we hadn't been there after-bar lately and we had to catch up with our favourite babely servers and eat grilled cheese.
Because that only makes sense.

I definitely went to the grocery store afterwards and the woman looked at my credit card with great suspicion. I don't know why.
I bought:
Cat Litter (this is why I haaaad to go right then Tilda told me not to come home without it)
Cat Food
Garbage bags
Dish Detergent





There's a lovely spring rain going on outside. It is grey out and green out and pretty. I'm going to go out in it. To see my old friend Miss Lindeman who I have not had a proper hang with in way too long.

I'm going to wear my rubbers.

Tonight, If I Were You - Tuesday May 26th

(this segment will also be intitled: What I Would Do Tonight If I Had Money)

Ooo tonight would be busy if I had money/time/energy:

City and Colour with Juile Doiron at Massey Hall (8 p.m.)



Grand Analog CD release at Wrongbar (this is Free! And we all know how I feel about freevenings)
[ohhh , one time I was on a sort-of date with an almost-famous older dude and I went off about freevenings not even thinking about the huge divide between us like I'm so broke I'm about to die on the street whereas you are rich and never have to think about things like freevenings... yikes]

Sketchcomedylounge at Rivoli: NSFW night! Some of the very very very best comedians in the city perform at the Rivoli every week. Mondays and Tuesdays, especially. (9 p.m. PWYC (almost as good as free!))

Star Trek, that's what I'd do if I were you. I still haven't seen this and I hear there are babes in it? I love babes so bad.

things I have bought or something something

Despite a self-impossed moratorium on buying Christmas paraphernalia.. and more specifically Christmas dishes (I don't even use most of them!) I definitely still bought this mug:



Whatever, it's beautiful. It reminds me of my favourite golden rocking horse ornament.
7 months until Christmas!!!



New best easy/lazy bean salad:

combine
1 can of marinated bean blend (I chose the one with a lemon garlic dressing already on it)
chopped tomatoes
chopped mushrooms
chopped peppers
chopped onions
chopped whatever else is lying around
then enjoy.

No, but it is good to have the fridge, good to eat if you're running out to party but don't want to party on that empty stomach. And pretty delicious.



These photos don't do this shirt justice. It is sparkly.





When I saw APB last week she was wearing a very fancy and lovely straw hat and she told me she has to wear it everyday because it was expensive. That is good logic!
I had to buy a hat too because I secretly want to be ABP. Not so secretly, actually.



This hat was not expensive and I will definitely not get around to wearing it as much as I should. I always think I want to wear hats and so I buy hats and then I never put them on my head.




Met up with Cpt. Heh yesterday and went to Lakeview Lunch and sat on the little patio they have going out front. Cheespie and Accost came and also another friend who I wouldn't even know what to nickname. And we talked about babes. Really? You did? That's so weird.
I like Accost more and more and she is nuts. In case you were wondering.
It's funny how people can be in the periphery of your circle of friends for years.

I have different circles of friends. It seems like it has always been that way with me.
I guess I like variety.
Spice of life.

Ha, oh man, I remember in elementary school one of my best friends was going on about saving herself for marriage and I remember being like "WHAT? ARE YOU KIDDING?? VARIETY IS THE SPICE OF LIFE!!" In a loud and self-righteous tone.

Classic.




I'm considering counting how many summer dresses I have.
I feel like it will be a stupid amount.



I have plans for making at least three more. At least. Yikes.
Too bad I don't have any skills at making any other type of clothing. I guess skirts maybe?

Wine tasting tonight with Dollface, supposedly.
I do not know whatever would possess her to invite me along to something like this... Her bad.

Wow. Wowwww.

Wow. I am amazed by my own amazing level of amazing stupidity.
Holy hellfire I am dumb.

I definitely deleted my entire pictures folder off my hard drive.
I have no good explanation for you on how I could possibly have managed this.
I also have no good explanation for you on how I still do not have a back-up of my files. Except money, I'll blame that one for this. Although Shambers pointed out that I could use my ipod as an extra drive. Fuck.
I do have most of my photos uploaded to flickr in large sizes, but not a bunch of important ones, like how I still haven't gotten around to all of Saskatoon this time around or the ones of Christmastime. And I love Christmastime!

I was in shock at first and just about cried but I called Shambers and he laughed at me and then told me about data recovery software. And then helped me out over gchat about it. He used the term "LOLZ" a lot.
He is a lawyer so I assume that is legalese for "I would never mock your stupidity".

So I still don't know if I'm going to be able to recover everything or not. It's looking like yes, but I don't want to jinx it. Also recovered without any order and without original file names and recovering basically everything else that ever existed on this computer. If I hadn't have been in such a panic about it I probably could have figured out a more ordered way of going about this.

Surprisingly I'm still in a good mood about things and life. I didn't even swear or hit anything/one.
Congratulations to me! Stupid and passive!

Tilda wants it

Watching a cat in heat is kind of funny. I remember how all the toms used to gather in the yard in Saskatoon if there was a lady cat looking to get some. Seriously gather in the yard. All just waiting around.

Story of my life.



Tilda's gone from doting mother to lady-about-town overnight. Except town is my apartment. And it is very hard to sleep with a kitten yelling around. I definitely broke out my Monster Truck Jam earplugs last night.
She's going to get her insides taken out soon. Hopefully. Poor baby. Poor horny baby.



The Mrs. took George Foxton home and her other cat, Jonathan Tip-Top Taylor Thomas, has been giving him a bit of a hard time, apparently. Aw, the baby. He's so happy-go-lucky though because he doesn't know any better. No one's ever not liked him before. Ohhh, kittens.

I still have a backload of kitten pictures but it makes me sad to look at them if you must know.



Yes, finally set up ohmistletoe.com properly. No more oh-mistletoe.blogspot.com really, although it will definitely redirect you. I have no idea how I did not set it up properly sooner. I am a dumb?
Checkmark.




First patio-brunch of the season! Holy lovely out. This is my favourite sort of weather before it gets too humid and sticky and all I want is a cool ocean.



Went with Dollface, a babe with long eyelashes, and the BFF. Yessss. Bests.





We laughed a lot and oh goddamn I've said it before, but holy Breakfast Tacos. Name something better.



Yes, I made this dress yesterday.





Yes, it has birds and flowers and elk or something like that. Yes, I love this fabric so hard.





I'm pondering other fabrics around. Is it physically possible to have too many pretty summer dresses?

Relatedly, who is having the next clothing swap?

Shh I am working please

Okay I am not a happy camper this evening. Still no big cry, working on it feel like I need it, yep sure do. Last kitten, Little Grey aka now George Foxton, left today and it's just Tilda Swinton and I chilling out together. She's wandering around yelling a lot. I can't tell if she's looking for him or if she's going into heat.
I feel sad I don't want Tilda to ever ever leave me she is the best cat ever. No, okay, maybe there are lots of great cats but she is particularly nice. Cannot resist being called over. I've never met a cat who always comes when you call. Sure she doesn't play fetch like Rudyard Kitling, but still, she's very soft and has adoring eyes and when you come home she practically leaps up into your arms. Chaaarming.

I can't commit to a cat though. I can't. We all know I can't hold anything down.
No, but, financially I can't handle it and also who knows where I'll be in a few years. I can do more good as a foster parent for Toronto Cat Rescue.
Okay glad I talked myself down from that.

Relatedly, Tilda Swinton will be up for adoption very soon and so if you know anyone who wants the sweetest prettiest long-faced kitten (she's only about 9 months, after all) let me know.




Which sad movie should I watch?
This weekend I watched Two Lovers, Mama Mia!, and Synecdoche, New York.

Synecdoche totally wore me down, I just watched it this evening. Kind of took all of my energy and will to live. But not in a bad way? I fully didn't recognize Samantha Morton! Everyone was pretty great in that movie. It did get to me. I can't imagine writing it. I can't imagine reading the script as an actor.






Today I made a dress. It was a wrap-around skirt that I got at a clothing swap and it is beautiful fabric and I made a super simple dress that almost does it justice and it is comfortable and I have one billion summer dresses and some I even forgot about.
All dresses all the time.

So that was an accomplishment. A creative moment.




And now I'm writing poetry that is way too revealing like private-blog revealing (updated yesterday, jfyi lucky insiders) and I will have to edit it down and change key elements so you will be less obviously aware that I am writing about you and your particular arms, hands, proximity.......

Should I make another little magazine? I don't see the point, really. But I guess it felt like I was doing something. Got me writing, got me going. And that's the most important part.
My genius means nothing because I do so little with it.
I'm such a waste.
No. I am gaining valuable life (party) experience so that my creative endeavours will be all the richer.



Also have a couple of scripts open. I'm good at writing when I write. I don't ever write though. I mean, I used to never write. But starting now I write all the time. An hour a day.




Need to create more and get more of my own projects on the go so that people will know to jump on your bandwagon. That's how things work. Word-of-mouth and jumping on bandwagons.
And my bandwagon is fun and you should get on it. I've heard it is party-all-the-time.

go knock em dead go break their hearts

I was riding my bike around the other night in a particularly boobly red dress and I got whistled at a bunch of times, which always just makes me feel reeaal awkward.
And then on my way home I rode up onto the sidewalk and got off my bike to walk it and some dude kind of muttered "yeah, you dismount that bike"
and I was like "yeah, I just did..."

I'm the worst person for strangers to cat-call/try to be inappropriate towards because I usually just respond in an overly awkward way or use a particularly annoying voice.
Pretty effective.



I tried a new hair colour brand. These latest photos showcasing it. It is maybe my favourite yet! It's the cheapest, also.
Reds are so, so brutal to keep though. Basically you look at me and my hair fades.
This one's nice though because it wasn't brassy/extremely fake at all, not even the first day. Aaand two of my favourite natural redheads said they really liked it.
I wish I didn't love this red hair so much. So much effing work.
Someday I'll go back to my natural hair colour maybe. But I don't even really know what it is anymore...





Play yesterday!
We were kind of nervous. For the first show, especially. I think maybe I wasn't expecting nerves so it extra threw me off. But it went well. Like I said, I was feeling ill, so I went home all afternoon and hung out by myself. Such a homebody these days.
Then I was feeling better but of course the moment I got back for the second run I felt shitty again. Awesome! But it was okay and then I started drinking and the Advil liquigels (aka my best friend forever x 1000) kicked in and it was party time.


I wore this dress and it's my new favourite so perfect for summer comfortable like nothing else.

We went to the Embassy afterwards and did tequila shots and drank some more. I've been very good about wheat the past few days like not even a little bit of it because I wanted to be good for the play but I did have some beers last night. Stupid wheat is in everythingeverything everything. Ugh.

Then pizza with some babes (more wheat) but Massimo's is so great, so gooey and thin and fresh and nice. Mmhmm.



I am sad it's done. But that's how it goes. Theatre is so fleeting. Can't watch it again later to feel nostalgic. Unless someone taped it for you. Which they did, actually.

Oh, yeah, also, I loved Birdtown and Swanville's short play that Aurora Stewart De Pena wrote called The Lee Press-On Nails Show. So fun and great. And awesome dance moves and hot babes. Kind of tragic though. But awesome. I'm a big fan of Aurora's plays, I think she's pretty neat and talented. And I love that she and her gang are making great plays for young women. To be in and to enjoy.

Okay Sunday afternoon coffee/brunch, giving up the last kitten time! Yikes!

go to here

"I'm like this about love and books and a new movie: really disappointed if it doesn't hurt."
from http://www.zulieka.com/, one of my favourite reads these days. Favourite favourite actually.

but yes but no but

Bon Iver + late nights + internet for company when I've made the good decision to come home now





Did the play! Twice today!

TMI: Was feeling really badly ill today like worst cramps and was not up to par. Which is fair. I mean, I got it together for the actual performances.. but besides that.. Ouch and sadness like my body is against me too much of the time.
Feel like I should have grown out of this/got this under control by now. That is not the case, I know but.

No, but, yes, but, Good Times!
I was so happy to do this play again. And it was fun! We had a time!


I need more projects all the all the time so that nothing is a let down, getting over happiness/excitement is nothing because then I'd have something to move on to...

handsomeness is misleading

or at least a sort of trickery.

I definitely decided a few years ago that I would never get involved with anyone good-looking ever again so that I would not continue to find them attractive after we split.
Guess how that turned out!

Which is maybe why I have a bad recycling problem. A really bad recycling issue. Sometimes you throw stuff out for a reason, yeah? Most times, probably.



Also the scent of babes (ha, if I ever get to create a perfume it will be called that and it will smell like caaaaaaaandy or maybe fresh cinnamon buns (haha buns)) can be bad news. I feel like it often tricks me into think I'm attracted to people I am mentally over.

Ugh recycling.




So. Babe Break 2K9 wasn't a terrible success. It wasn't a terrible failure either. I guess one can't really force change in such a drastic way.
But I am getting better (?)

Goals of Babe Break 2k9 were:
(some of which I made up as the break went along)

1. Stop being mean and selfish. Stop hanging out with babes who are mean and selfish.

2. Stop getting involved with people who I don't need to be involved with.
Aka: stop pushing shit. Stop trying to see what I can get away with. Stop seeing what I can get from babes.

3. Stop running to next babe when not getting what I need from other babe, repeat, repeat.

4. Stop recycling. Ignore late-night texts/phone calls/etc.

5. Stop pretending/convincing myself I like people more than I do/stop pretending babes like me more than they do.

6. Stop pretending about things in general, actually.


I feel like that list makes me seem more, uh, worldly than I actually am.

I'm still on those goals. And I'm better.
It's just maybe not as easy to cut all those bits out like I had planned.

Being a better person is hard! And lame!
Party-for-life! Don't-care-high!

Old habits and patterns die hard, and my life is pretty pattern-heavy and predictable. I'm trying to make it less so.
Hmmm.
I have more to say on all of this but I am not writing properly and hungry for a dinnertime treat which I deserve because I am not feeling well.




(Myspace angles / the new jacket I got yesterday from Value Village. I was in a piss-poor mood and taking self-indulgent pictures kept me a amused for awhile.
Then I went to the bar for a moment and felt very annoyed when people told me I looked like I was bored/unhappy/sober.
I do not like being patronized. )

panda panda panda panda. china!

DON'T FORGET ABOUT HOW I'M IN A PLAY ON SATURDAY.

(2:30 and 11pm at Jamie's Area -193 Augusta)

I think it's going to be v fun. Three other acts (two plays, one dance piece I believe?). Plus some drinking? Plus you can feel very cultural and self-satisfied at having attended an arts event!!!
Can't put a price on that. (ten dollars)


.


I feel like when I'm off wheat I find it way easier to learn and retain lines. Interesting? Psychosomatic? Who knows!
But it did come in handy today when I turned up at the audition having learned all the wrong lines! Yike! It was alright though, they gave me time with the new ones and I did pretty good, all things considered.

Also, I saw APB there and I hadn't seen her in awhile. She is very very beautiful.


See?
She has freckly arms and I am jealous.
We sort of look alike, mostly meaning same "hit". Except for she is a natural red-headed beauty and I am a try-hard. I want to write a movie where we star as twins. She looks sort of like Amy Poeler. She and Amy Poeler are both born in September. COINCIDENCE??
Anyway, it makes sense we'd be at the same audition. And I won't even be upset if she books this and I don't (yes I will) because she is very talented.

We went to Mercury afterward and had coffee (mine was iced! A delicious summer treat!) and visited Deer and talked business and babes.
Then we went and got ice cream and wandered in the sun (with our pale, pale skins pretty well covered).

Commercial audition tomorrow and dress/tech for Mandy Panda after.
The Cpt.'s birthday tonight, and I took yesterday off from socializing altogether.
Feeling groovy.
Except also physically ill.
So it goes.