on whether to look for my donor father...

(you guys all know I was born of donor insemination, yeah? that information is crucial for the rest of this entry. haa, obvi!)

So, on Friday (I think), I received an email from another woman who was born of donor insemination in Saskatoon in the same time period as I was. Actually, both her and her sister were.
She found me through my post on this website, which is intended to match donor-siblings and offspring to donors.

HA, OFFSPRING. what a detached thing to be called!

I'd actually completely forgotten about that website, and had stopped paying to access the other donor sibling registry, and had not even ever responded to the email from the one donor (probably not my bio-dad) who had contacted me years ago.

If you know me, you know that one of my main priorities is not worrying. I don't like worrying and I don't like being upset about stuff. And there's no point in worrying about things you can't control, like if you don't have a father.
Instead, I would generally prefer to embrace the differences in my life. My mum is my ultimate favourite person in the world that I've ever heard of. No denying. I would give anything to have her in my life forever and ever and ever. I can't imagine having a better parent than her and I say that in all sincerity. I would choose this situation again above any other option.
So, no dad? I guess that's shitty. I for sure have issues with not quite understanding men and the like because of it. But I'm also still awesome. I was loved beyond loved and couldn't have asked for a better supportive extended family...
There just isn't any point being upset about it! I'd rather make jokes!



But, today I'm upset. I'm upset like I was when I was an angsty 12 year old angry at my mother and furious at not having a father.
Actually, I can't even remember when was an actual time I was super upset about this situation. As a child, I guess. Mostly when I was mad at my mum, I guess? When I needed something to be upset about?
It's a good fall-back if you feel like feeling sad about something, that's for sure.

I guess it's lucky that my brother and I both just look like we belong to our family. Like there was never any doubt we were my mother's kids and never any doubt that we were wanted.
And I think it's completely different having no dad at all with a top-notch mum, instead of a dad who you know isn't related to you. I have zero concept of what that situation would be like.
But then, all families are different. No family dynamic is the same. Ever.

I've never felt like I'm missing anything. I mean, it's fun to think about my bio-dad, on account of I imagine him being the super-coolest and a right-on rad dude who is adorable. But it's just a fantasy. A cool fantasy that makes me feel nice.

Now because of all this I'm having shitty dreams about driving down to Buffalo to track down my donor who turns out to be an awful shumshy-faced drunk with watery eyes!
UGH.

But this woman has a few good points. We are almost 30. Who knows how old our donors are now. Or if they are even alive. Who knows their medical history or if we're accidentally marrying extended family members....

My bio-dad could be dead at this point!
The fact is that I will probably never meet him.
Which should be fine. I mean, I don't know him, he's nothing to me. Except I just always assumed at some point things would work themselves out so that I would meet him. And I expected that at some point I would meet all my bio-siblings...

I don't really think about this all that much, but, it's FUCKING BANANAS that I almost certainly have half-siblings out there who could be my buds RIGHT NOW if only I knew who they were.

Is this the time I go on an actual hunt? Is this the moment I assumed would come at some point? Do I now place ads in newspapers, try to get interviews on news programs, organize a BBQ for all donors and offspring from that time period?
(considering it.)

If my bio-dad or her bio-dad (they could be the same one, of course, though probably unlikely) want to be found then it would be easy. If he does not then it will be impossible. Literally. We are powerless in this situation. And I guess, yeah, she's in her full rights to be mad about that.

She's right to be mad that the records with the only indication of who HALF OF OUR GENETICS are from were destroyed.
She's right to be mad that at the very least offspring from the same donors who are looking for each other shouldn't have access to that information. We could all be looking for each other.

We, the offspring, signed no papers saying we wouldn't look for our donors. We signed no papers saying we didn't need to know who are siblings are.
I strongly believe we are entitled to ask whatever questions we want to. And maybe this woman's reaction to the situation is different than mine, but she's entitled to do any digging she sees fit because we had no say in the situation. And because they weren't just making offspring, they were making humans who grow up and feel they have a right to know about themselves...

I still feel very, very lucky to be alive. And I wouldn't be here without this process. But, yeah, I guess I would like to know who my bio-dad is. And even more so I would like to know who my other siblings are.

Ha, I would like to have money too so I could DNA test everyone I could possibly be related to!


(haaaha baby me at the window. over-dramatic illustration for this post!)


I guess bottom-line, I'd like to either meet my bio-dad or know that he has no interest in meeting me. I think I could stomach that. It seems almost fair. At least then I'd know he's not the sort of person I need to know!

So I guess that means I'll have to look at some point. And the sooner the better if I actually want success... I don't know if it's right now. But it probably should be.

The worst part is, I've always known I wanted to look, but I also don't want to look because once I've exhausted the few avenues, then I will have failed.
And failing at finding family seems like a hard place to be in.

not so much of a secret.

Here's an interesting Post Secret


I just want to make sure that it's clear that I don't feel that way at all. Not even a little bit, not even at all.
And maybe it's the (maybe made-up) information that my donor dad was a really kind human who wanted to help make families. Or maybe it's that I turned out alright.
But probably it's the fact that I feel like if anyone deserved the chance to be a mum, it's my mum. Because she is the best and smartest person that I know of, and (un-biasedly) she is so good with little ones.
And even better with her own little (and now not-so-little) ones.





[Merry Christmas Mumma, that's all you're getting!]

happpppy hallowe'en!

I stole this picture from Steph because I have not uploaded all of mine own yet.

Sssssuper fun Hallowe'en though - you know when you're worried about things working out but then everything turns out even better than you thought it would?
Yep.

I know that I wienered out by going as a Christmas elf, but srsly. I had to buy exactly nothing for my costume. And I had to do exactly no planning, it was too easy to resist.

COSTUMES I THOUGHT ABOUT GOING AS WHICH WERE WAY FUNNIER:

A Wedding Vehicle
(dressed in white with the paper flowers in rows on me, a "just married" sign and tin cans trailing from my butt)

My Dad (circa 1983)
(Hahahahahahahah wearing a moustache and holding a dirty magazine and a cup 'o sperm)


OKAY BRUNCH TIME
because what else do I do with my life.

who's yr daddy?

I'm sad about not having a father today. This rarely happens, as I never really think about it, except to make continual jokes. My mother is the best mother around and most people I know have at least one shitty parent, so not having father has not really bothered me.
And I've always just felt really, really special. Wanted, worked for, tried for. Being born of donor insemination means that my mother went extremely out of her way, through psychological testing, and even paid money to get me. She wanted nothing more than me in this whole world, I bet. Except maybe Emry. But that was only because of how great I turned out:



I registered today on the Donor Sibling Registry.

I don't believe in fathers.
Men, in general, are so foreign to me, so remarkably alien, that I find it hard to believe that "dads" exist. I mean, I've seen them, I know people who have them, I've watched movies about them, but I just can't ever imagine interacting with mine own.

So, we'll tell it like a story;

Once upon a time in Saskatoon, in the summer of 1982 (not the summer of love, the summer of turkey basters), there was a beautiful woman. She had permed hair and the loveliest crows-feet around her eyes. She had had boyfriends, (had even quite liked some of them) but none quite took. But she was older and she owned her own castle and she had a decent job, and she really, really wanted a baby.

So she went to the hospital and asked them if they knew of any nice young men who liked masturbating into cups*. They said "why, yes, we know of a few but since you are a single woman, you must undergo intensive psychoanalysis so that we know you're not nutso because most single women are. We will accuse you of being gay around a 102 times. And then we will choose the donor who looks closest to you, with a similar ethnic background, and you will have no say in it".

So they decided that the woman was sane enough and picked her a prince charming to give away his semen. This prince was very charming and the nurse liked him very much, she said he received no payment for his donations, only did it for the good. Like donating blood or an organ, yes? She said he was tall, and musical. He probably also was in university, had freckles and lighter hair, had a clef chin and could roll his tongue.
And so for 8 months the woman and the prince charming went to the same hospital twice a month in hopes of getting a tiny baby. Since it was the early 80s it was live donation, meaning, they quite possibly passed each other in the halls or at least in the streets. Maybe they still do, actually...

After 8 months, on the first of April, in the year 1983, a tiny princess was conceived.

The prince would then have not had to go in on that schedule. So, in theory, he probably noticed and realized that the woman had either conceived or given up.

On December 24th of that same year, that tiny baby was born, one day early, almost perfect. Except for almost dying and having an extra muscle by her heart (for protection, I always say). Oh, and those ears that stick out and the sun shines through.

Later on the woman would be pregnant with a full sibling of the princess's but would suffer a miscarriage. She would have a son later though, with another donor.

Ten years after the princess's birth, the records were (apparently) destroyed. And now the doctor is retired and the records are no more and so unless the donor is looking too, the princess will never know him.

*Wow I just killed myself by realizing that the Playboy Magazines that I have from the early 80s are probably the same that my Bio-Dad jerked it too. Or maybe he's gay. That'd be so rad, you have to admit.

I never know what to think of any of this.
I watched the Oprah episode devoted to the subject on Friday. The children of DI all had such different reactions. I don't know where to put mine.

I don't believe that I have a father at all. Or siblings, though I think about them all, all the time.
I just can't wrap my head around having other people that are just as related to me as my mother and my brother. It seems made up.

Certainly, I'd like to meet all of them. Father, siblings, cousins, etc.
Very, very much.

The dream situation of one daughter-donor's interaction was sort of mean to show. How the first time they spoke on the phone they talked for about 4 hours straight. And now are close friends.
And the dream situation of the siblings that met each other and look just like twins and are so remarkably similar.

It's hard not to want all of that.
There are certainly ways I do not look quite like the rest of my family, and though I am best friends with my mother, I don't doubt that there is a Bio-Dad influence in how I am.

And I want little sisters and big brothers. I want lots of fam and big dinners. People to send Christmas cards to.

But it's messy.
Because to let myself want for that sort of thing is just a big set up for disappointment.
And I'm never good with that sort of thing.

Any suggestions on what to do next?

Besides use face transformers on the internet to do mock-ups of what my family might look like?