please spring, be now

Today would be a good day to follow me on instagram. Oh, how I love instagram.

Man, I sure love a lot of things today. Spring, man, that must be it.

I bought hyacinths and am enjoying my valentines flowers to their bitter end.


I was up and out of the house by 11 for a couple quick errands and it was so warm and sunny. Nothing makes me feel like a luckier lady than when spring starts to hit.

I'm not feeling super well but I'm weirdly powering through it (very unlike me) to do some projects and take photos and stuff. I haven't even watched any TV today. Super bizarre.
Spring, man.





finally got around to hanging some of the crystals from a broken chandelier I found in an abandoned house in Saskatchewan last summer. I've given a few of them away, gave one to my roommate, Catdad (that's what I'm going to call him from now on because the cats follow him around like his little children and he's obsessed with them. in a good way), because he asked. So he's got one for the morning light in his upstairs bedroom.



I'm a big fan of Catdad. So far.
We are both around all the time in the days so it's good we get along. He's very, very silly. And pretty much everything he says makes me laugh. just too silly. He frequently comes downstairs to ask me "serious questions" such as, "does my hair look weird parted to the other side?" and so on...



I had a few of my favourite people over last night to watch the Oscars and Catdad joined for a bit and later he told me, "I stayed quiet and unfunny as I could so people would think you were lying about me".



Finally started going through a bunch of people's pinterest pages. Just sucks you in, doesn't it? My family's pages were especially tasteful (who is surprised!?) and it made me miss them.
You can see what I'm posting: pinterest.com/ohmistletoe, if you like.



I got a surprise (I mean, I knew it was coming I just didn't know so soon) package delivery from my mum this afternoon. Oh how I love a good package (HA HA).



Look at this cape! (I know it's technically a poncho but I really like the word cape better.

I'm pretty pleased with it.


My aunt commented on this on facebook and said "I think you might actually BE your mother."  Maybe not quite, but I do love my mother and also admire her so that is not a bad thing to say to me.
These pictures do particularly make me think of my mother. In several ways.
Funny that my aunt wrote that, though because today I was going back through the tiny magazines I made years ago and found this

too true, too too true.


there was also gluten-free gingersnaps and fair-trade chocolate in this package. Congratulations for being exactly what I wanted to eat today!


this is what my hairs are doing these days. I'm still very torn as to what I want to do with the colour. But I'm also kind of feeling this roots business. I almost wish there were more of a constrast. So much natural colour right now, the most in years.


I like when I look a bit older and plainer, like in these. Like a little mum, like a good person, like a kind little bud.

haaaaaaaa, oh you know what I mean.


Things are going really, really well today. As we've discussed. But I'm also sad. The good kind of sad where it's for a good reason. Does that make sense? Probably if you're a sensitive artist-type like me.
No, what I mean is like I'm homesick and I really miss my mum and family a lot right now. And I'm worried about my future.

Also, sometimes being a good person and good friend is hard.
I talk a lot about wanting to be less selfish. And I very much would like to be a kind person and a good friend. It's funny when one is faced with a situation that tests that. You can either be a good person OR you can have what you want when you want it.
I'm very much a giant brat, so guess what I normally choose.
Anyway. I'm trying to be better. Baby steps, kids, baby steps.

give me more christmas forever

yeah yeah yeah I forsure opened up my writing files which means (of course) I have to come over to blogger instead because all of a sudden I just need to update this junk. classsssssic.


I have never in my life seen a full-grown, adult cat look/act/sound more like a teenage kitten than Adventure Cat. Suchhh a nice kitten! Such a soft and funny kitten. Such a pest and pain and a whiner.


My mum was at McNally Robinson today and she was in the washroom and a little kid came in and announced "I'm going to make a really stinky one!!"

that is forsure the kind of kid I'd like and will have sometime.

Oh, yeah, guys, by the way, I'm 28 now. Do you think that makes me the new boss of late 20s? Probably, hey?

Do you guys want to marry me yet, or no?






I don't know why I'm posting some Christmas pictures but not all the Christmas pictures. I guess it's because I do what I like when I like to do it. We had a few gifts. Luckily. The picture of taste? I'd say so!


Am I envious of my cousin's house and her handyman husband? Fuck you.



Hmmmmmm.
I was thinking yesterday while dealing with more sellllllfish bullllshit that ever since making a concerted effort to try to not hurt people's feelings and to not get involved with people who like me too much just for the attention (hahaaaaha UGH you know what I mean, though?) I am dealing with a massive string of the most SELFISH, SELF-CENTERED, SELF-INVOLVED humans.
(as a quick clarification: I do not particularly mean any current situation or activity)

How do people make it to their late 20s and even mid 30s as such bratty, whiny, deservist little wimps??
Selfishness I think is a pretty intense problem in the circles I run in-- these generations are spoiled, coddled gens who think we're entitled to the world and shouldn't have to settle for anything less.
But I feel like there should be limits!

Also, I put up with shit from romantic interests I would never dream of dealing with from pals.
What kind of sick barfbag am I?
Haaaaaaa
I'm being over-dramatic on this point to try to keep myself in check about all of this. Man up, Meredactyl, so much of this is unacceptable.

I think, and this comes as a shock to me most of all, that I've become too nice. I'm confusing my desire to be always kind with being too understanding, too passive, too care-taking.
I stop realizing how everything is on their terms. I stop realizing that if what they're offering is not enough I don't have to take it. This seems obvious, and yet.
And I want very much to be a good friend and a kind friend and an easy-going friend, it's just that that set of skills doesn't work if people are just selfish and that's just how they are.

hhmmm hmm hm.
just considering things.


photos from Christmas morning! I'm sad my baby bro wasn't there (he was in BC with his gf and her fam and gets back tomorrow to celebrate a bit with us) but it did mean that we all (mum, me, aunt) fit on my mum's bed for stockings which was cozy and nic.



on a more serious note,
CAN YOU BUY ME A NEW COMPUTER?
it doesn't even have to be a new computer it could be a used computer forsure.

REASONS WHY I NEED A NEW COMPUTER:

a) I'd like to be able to have more than one application open at once (haaa just kidding, I have Celtx open right now too but photoshop is just not a thing that works on this machine anymore)

b) Imagine if I could make movies on my computer? you could watch them then!

c) I could go back to being a photographer (there's kind of no point right now since I really can't deal with big file photos on this machine)

d) I could watch all my stories better. Fine, maybe this one isn't really for encouraging, but I would waste a lot less time trying to get it to stream

e) the powercord is fraying at the plug-in and it will probably set on fire soon and burn us all down.  :( :( :(

f) babes will think I'm cooler

g) I could then video-talk with you in our respective houses and I would probably take my top off (hahaaa just kidding I always wear shirts)

h) I could go back to making sweet beats for my rap career

i) I keep burning my legs

j) I don't have a dad

k) I'll swear around less, cursing this old technology

l) I can do more work, like a real good worker kind of a guy





If you can't afford to buy me a new computer but do understand how to make computers work better I will accept your offer to come over and help me clear out my computer and de-clutter it and make it run fast and strong again.
(with the warning that it is a powerbook that I bought for $300 about 3 years ago at least)

THANKYOUUU





this is where I am right now:

cuddled up and pretending to be a good worker but instead I'll waste forever and ever on bloggggg! Oh, whoops, on facebook, too!!!
Whatever, guys, I have a hard time explianing these days to people who don't blog or don't read blogs, but this thing has helped me so much. Not only a writer but also in terms of comedy-- a place to write whatever and get feedback and make buds and have people think I'm mildly funny at least occasionally.
Also, I love reading people's blogs. I 100% do. So hopefully if you read this it's because you like it and not just to get mad about (I've had to stop myself from reading a couple of blogs like that forsure forsure).

I feel bad because I should have gone out and socialized this evening but I just couldn't get around to it. I mean, I did see three of my favourite people already today but I should have done more. Always should do more. But it's my vacation too and sometimes you just want to curl up with a good book or a good computer for awhile. And enjoy the fuck out of it.

hometime besttime

hi hii
I'm in Saskatoon now! all safe and sound like.

Good, easy flight. I slept through it like usual. That's the best. Then it's like I magically got here.

I partied forever Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Monday.
I just went out for a brief moment to see Constantine and my long-lost BFF, SteveDave. Steve and I hadn't seen each other for 1.5 years since the summer before last and I love her like "WHOA", so... you know. also she's really rewarding to see because she just picks me up and shakes me around and looks at me like she can't believe I'm real.
I wish I were that good at being a rewarding friend. I just trust that she knows I feel the exact same.

Gift for Arrow and Mrs.! I was pleased with how these turned out. Can I get a job just drawing herbs, or what?

I have much, much more to say but it's latelatelate right now and I'm tired and tomorrow I'm driving out to small town thrift stores with my cousin and her daughter! OOOHHH SO FUN!
bestbestbesttimes, guys!

on whether to look for my donor father...

(you guys all know I was born of donor insemination, yeah? that information is crucial for the rest of this entry. haa, obvi!)

So, on Friday (I think), I received an email from another woman who was born of donor insemination in Saskatoon in the same time period as I was. Actually, both her and her sister were.
She found me through my post on this website, which is intended to match donor-siblings and offspring to donors.

HA, OFFSPRING. what a detached thing to be called!

I'd actually completely forgotten about that website, and had stopped paying to access the other donor sibling registry, and had not even ever responded to the email from the one donor (probably not my bio-dad) who had contacted me years ago.

If you know me, you know that one of my main priorities is not worrying. I don't like worrying and I don't like being upset about stuff. And there's no point in worrying about things you can't control, like if you don't have a father.
Instead, I would generally prefer to embrace the differences in my life. My mum is my ultimate favourite person in the world that I've ever heard of. No denying. I would give anything to have her in my life forever and ever and ever. I can't imagine having a better parent than her and I say that in all sincerity. I would choose this situation again above any other option.
So, no dad? I guess that's shitty. I for sure have issues with not quite understanding men and the like because of it. But I'm also still awesome. I was loved beyond loved and couldn't have asked for a better supportive extended family...
There just isn't any point being upset about it! I'd rather make jokes!



But, today I'm upset. I'm upset like I was when I was an angsty 12 year old angry at my mother and furious at not having a father.
Actually, I can't even remember when was an actual time I was super upset about this situation. As a child, I guess. Mostly when I was mad at my mum, I guess? When I needed something to be upset about?
It's a good fall-back if you feel like feeling sad about something, that's for sure.

I guess it's lucky that my brother and I both just look like we belong to our family. Like there was never any doubt we were my mother's kids and never any doubt that we were wanted.
And I think it's completely different having no dad at all with a top-notch mum, instead of a dad who you know isn't related to you. I have zero concept of what that situation would be like.
But then, all families are different. No family dynamic is the same. Ever.

I've never felt like I'm missing anything. I mean, it's fun to think about my bio-dad, on account of I imagine him being the super-coolest and a right-on rad dude who is adorable. But it's just a fantasy. A cool fantasy that makes me feel nice.

Now because of all this I'm having shitty dreams about driving down to Buffalo to track down my donor who turns out to be an awful shumshy-faced drunk with watery eyes!
UGH.

But this woman has a few good points. We are almost 30. Who knows how old our donors are now. Or if they are even alive. Who knows their medical history or if we're accidentally marrying extended family members....

My bio-dad could be dead at this point!
The fact is that I will probably never meet him.
Which should be fine. I mean, I don't know him, he's nothing to me. Except I just always assumed at some point things would work themselves out so that I would meet him. And I expected that at some point I would meet all my bio-siblings...

I don't really think about this all that much, but, it's FUCKING BANANAS that I almost certainly have half-siblings out there who could be my buds RIGHT NOW if only I knew who they were.

Is this the time I go on an actual hunt? Is this the moment I assumed would come at some point? Do I now place ads in newspapers, try to get interviews on news programs, organize a BBQ for all donors and offspring from that time period?
(considering it.)

If my bio-dad or her bio-dad (they could be the same one, of course, though probably unlikely) want to be found then it would be easy. If he does not then it will be impossible. Literally. We are powerless in this situation. And I guess, yeah, she's in her full rights to be mad about that.

She's right to be mad that the records with the only indication of who HALF OF OUR GENETICS are from were destroyed.
She's right to be mad that at the very least offspring from the same donors who are looking for each other shouldn't have access to that information. We could all be looking for each other.

We, the offspring, signed no papers saying we wouldn't look for our donors. We signed no papers saying we didn't need to know who are siblings are.
I strongly believe we are entitled to ask whatever questions we want to. And maybe this woman's reaction to the situation is different than mine, but she's entitled to do any digging she sees fit because we had no say in the situation. And because they weren't just making offspring, they were making humans who grow up and feel they have a right to know about themselves...

I still feel very, very lucky to be alive. And I wouldn't be here without this process. But, yeah, I guess I would like to know who my bio-dad is. And even more so I would like to know who my other siblings are.

Ha, I would like to have money too so I could DNA test everyone I could possibly be related to!


(haaaha baby me at the window. over-dramatic illustration for this post!)


I guess bottom-line, I'd like to either meet my bio-dad or know that he has no interest in meeting me. I think I could stomach that. It seems almost fair. At least then I'd know he's not the sort of person I need to know!

So I guess that means I'll have to look at some point. And the sooner the better if I actually want success... I don't know if it's right now. But it probably should be.

The worst part is, I've always known I wanted to look, but I also don't want to look because once I've exhausted the few avenues, then I will have failed.
And failing at finding family seems like a hard place to be in.

elevators and churches

I go back to Toronto on Tuesday first thing in the early early morning.
That means I have the rest of today and all of tomorrow to do things. Like always, there is too much to do and too little time. Though it's especially bad this year because of the shortened length of my trip.
I'm always on the verge of crying. I'm homesick looking around me.



People are always surprised when they find out I've never been out of Canada and I don't own a passport. I can't seriously consider traveling when wherever I am I am homesick. I'm homesick for Toronto right now, and the moment I go back I will feel ill with missing Saskatoon.
I'm lucky to love things like this, I think. But still.



I've spent more time looking at churches this weekend then I ever have before. Do you think if I made a calendar of Saskatchewan prairie churches I could sell it? I regret not bringing my DSLR or even a film SLR with me this trip.
I want to be taking more photos. Better photos.



I have to calm down this fall. I have to cool it. It will be the perfect time and opportunity for me to take better care of myself, both physically, emotionally, creatively, and work-wise.
Remind me to remind my Ossington Dreamhome that we are a dreamhome not a party-all-the-time-home.

This afternoon I'm having coffee with my one of my favourite people since kindergarten. We have almost nothing in common anymore but I love her so much.
I just love who I love so much and that's just what I'm like.

"gargoyles eat ghosts and I want one for a pet"

prairie prairie prairie prairie


just hanging out with my family all day long on the prairies. yesterday was pretty much the most perfect day ever to be out on the plains.











uh oh my aunt is here to pick us up to go to Michael's and then go to a movie and I forgot to get dressed. whoops!














I may or may not want to get married in this church. Is that allowed if I am not Catholic? Probably not, hey?
What if it's abandoned? can I just show up and get married in it?
Ha! Imagine me getting married?!
I can't.




hahaaa my aunt just said "I'm going to boot you soon" guess I've over-stayed my welcome already! what a smart mouth I have.

I was trying to be funny for my baby cousin (who is almost 4) yesterday and she looked at me quite seriously and said "if you're trying to be funny, you should just tell me..."
also, earlier I was giving her a "monster-back-ride" in the lake, which is where you have a child ride on your back while pretending to be a monster and jump around in the water and she said "can you please stop making those noises? You are really annoying me"
hahahaahhaahaaa burned several times by a tiny child!






this is my sweet ride while I'm home. Nicey nicey.
Also, I walked home from the bar last night because I'm tired of not walking because I live in a somewhat dangerous neighbourhood but it was only like a 15 minute walk and I would never in real life take a cab for a 15 minute walk. Uh uh. Anyway, it was fine but a bit nervous-making.