I'm already standing on the ground

been staying at Dollface's the past few nights while she's out of town on "business". I like Kaya.

Kaya does not understand about timer photography. She thinks I'm running back and forth to play with her. You wish, dog. 

I was grumpy but I already took pictures of these boats and I thought if I got in the picture too then it would be more interesting.
I have a couple of shifts at work this weekend like a real employed person.

These kittens are in a window by Norman's house and there were six of them all asleep in a cuddle-puddle in the cage. did my heart pretty much melt out of my chest? yep.
GIMME.

 I tried to take a picture of how witchy it was out last night but you can't really get the whole picture. I was a bit in love with it though.
Now I'm listening to the Eagles because I obviously have had that witchy woman song stuck in my head all day and it's just gone from there...


Went to a fashion launch event thing with Norman last night. I was feeling too tired for proper party and he was a bit POed that I went home real early. I know, I'm lame.
Actually I haven't been out past call at all really this week... hey maybe I am calming down! that'd be so weird. (also, I wouldn't count on it!) 


the view from the roof at this party last night was wonderful, though. and the company was good and the fashion was super-neat. I'm just tired.
I'm still tired. tired, tired, tired.
I did have a lovely brunch today at Aunties and Uncles with Carlos who is in town for the weekend. Nice to see her! And nice to go to Aunties, I hadn't been in forever and it's still sooooo good. I always feel a bit sad when I've eaten it all and the soup was something like pumpkin squash apple cider.... uh huh.

elevators and churches

I go back to Toronto on Tuesday first thing in the early early morning.
That means I have the rest of today and all of tomorrow to do things. Like always, there is too much to do and too little time. Though it's especially bad this year because of the shortened length of my trip.
I'm always on the verge of crying. I'm homesick looking around me.



People are always surprised when they find out I've never been out of Canada and I don't own a passport. I can't seriously consider traveling when wherever I am I am homesick. I'm homesick for Toronto right now, and the moment I go back I will feel ill with missing Saskatoon.
I'm lucky to love things like this, I think. But still.



I've spent more time looking at churches this weekend then I ever have before. Do you think if I made a calendar of Saskatchewan prairie churches I could sell it? I regret not bringing my DSLR or even a film SLR with me this trip.
I want to be taking more photos. Better photos.



I have to calm down this fall. I have to cool it. It will be the perfect time and opportunity for me to take better care of myself, both physically, emotionally, creatively, and work-wise.
Remind me to remind my Ossington Dreamhome that we are a dreamhome not a party-all-the-time-home.

This afternoon I'm having coffee with my one of my favourite people since kindergarten. We have almost nothing in common anymore but I love her so much.
I just love who I love so much and that's just what I'm like.

time passes, apparently

I went by White Squirrel the other day for a coffee when I was walking Kaya and the owner used to be one of the owners of Aunties, and you know how I feel about Aunties (home) and so I was saying "hi how are you" to him and he asked me if I was still making zines.
Strange how time passes and I don't do things that used to be so ingrained in who I was... Not that making tiny magazines and forcing my friends into reading them was who I was, but it was definitely an interesting passtime.
It gave me the first real excuse to take photos and the self-imposed deadline I needed to actually get stuff written. Also, it made me feel like a real writer for the first time.

anyway. time passes, things change. I should write more. Broken record.



Carla Ghee came up with calling her line-up of babes her Roster.
on a scale of 1 to 10 how jealous am I that I didn't come up with this? 100% jealous.

She is into deciding if people are on or off the roster and speaks of "bringing one up from the minors".
Amazing.

My roster is fairly calmed down these days. I have a few crushes but nothing to go bananas over. No one really stepping up to the plate.



Though, I have to say, the lack of romance in my life is astounding.
I'm not expecting candles and flowers and picnics by the sea but JESUS CHRIST how about texting before 3 a.m.?

Ha. I mean, even if I have no interest in dating you I would still like the common courtesy of being asked out for a drink if you are interested in hanging out at all. Or even just being contacted prior to last call. God, I am so demanding. 
ha. It is a fine line, though, hey?
Anything casual is a super difficult situation to wrangle. I go through phases where I think it could be a good idea.. and also not.
Needs both parties to not care enough and care enough. Be comfortable enough.. Nearly impossible to work out, I think.

It'd be nice to go on a date someday. But who am I kidding?



Haaa, man, first world problems, hey?

I'm definitely using this blog entry to avoid looking at the scripts I have open waiting for me to make them perfect.
I didn't go out tonight. Came home after work. Totally the rain's fault. Which is just fine. Maybe I could get into a one-night-in one-night-out pattern?
Yeah right.


I was thinking I'd only go home one time before Christmas (the past couple of years I've been going every 4 months or so) but now I'm getting to the homesick part and I'm not sure that just one visit is the best plan.

Give me prairie fields, give me redberry lake, give me rains that you can see coming for miles.

just taking a little breatherrrr

my aunt just told me I haven't updated in forever. So I checked. And guess what? she was right!

I have a really fucking shitty cold that's fucking up my head right now! I just finally gave up and took some drugs. I sneeze and sneeze and sneeze and my eyes they water and my head it hurts. Dislike! I'm hoping the drugs clear me out for a bit so I can get something done.
Just kidding, I'm productive. Medium productive.

I went to the mall today! I always forget about malls in Toronto. Saskatoon has lots of malls that I go to. I like going to the mall! mostly because I don't have to work in one, probably. Nor do I have to go to them ever.
Malls are good because they have lots of different things in them. I got a couple of headshots printed off. Don't tell my mother but I got them done at walmart. Not my fault, I can only afford to print off a couple at the cheapest rate, so walmart was my best choice. sighhhh.

I decided to take the overwhelming votes for #1 headshot as the one, and I even put my name on it like a real life actor.



I like it. I'm into it. I'm ready to get on with being the best ever actor around.

I saw at least 6 robins today. Plus probably some people whose names were Robin but I didn't know so let's call it 12.
I saw the supermoon the other night but not until it looked just reg.

I worked several days in a row and now I have no work for several days. When April gets here it'll be alright. Fingers crossed. That's what I say every year.


I hate when news anchors excuse their terrible jokes by saying something along the lines of "I just had to...".
NO YOU DIDN'T. SHUT UP YOUR HEAD.

haaaaa I think I might be in a temper.
I want to go out for beers and nachos!! I wish I were at Hoops!
Norman and Firehorse are texting me from Sneaky Dee's!! ugh! ugh! 

I went out on the town pretty much every day for the last two weeks so now I am on a self-enforced break from socializing.

It's hard because Norman keeps texting me and lots of other people are doing very fun people without me. I know I know, so much to complain about in my life.

We have had SO MUCH FUN LATELY.
I'm not kidding around on this one. Do you laugh til you fall over every night? Several times a night? and not just because you've been drinking?


(the floor at the ossington. I like this grate.)

Carla Ghee, Firehorse, Norman, and I have been an almighty team lately in the biggest party way (they actually party (drink) way more than I can). And they are so stupidly, wonderfully funny that I almost can't bear it sometimes.

I wish I could go back in time to tell teenage me that don't worry about not having friends then because at 27 I'll look around and see that somehow I've managed to amass some of the most wonderful people in the world to hang out with.

Am I hormonal? maybe.

I don't mean just Carla Ghee, Firehorse, and Norman. I mean, it's stupid how many people I want to be hanging out with right now. You know what it takes for me to turn down a funtime? A LOT.


I ate an apple on St. Patrick's at the ossington. I was not really feeling the funtime then. I pretty much played out my party streak. I liked that apple, though.
I went home before last call and was sober enough to read my book for awhile
(Hard-boiled Wonderland and the End of the World by Haruki Murakami, which I've owned from a clothing swap for probably two years and am only getting to now and guess what? It's so great!!)


It's not that I'm not enjoying this alone time. To the contrary, I'm catching up on Boardwalk Empire and movies, taking care of business, reorganizing, covering more mini-flasks (more on that tomorrow, hopefully!), doing some sewing and mending, cooking and cooking and cooking and eeeaaattting.


I made pancakes several times this week. This one rice flour variety I have is really only good for pancakes. But it is f-ing good. Kingsmill or something. Anyway.

I ate so many flipping pancakes. I wish I had more of that flour then I'd eat some more. Not joking. I'm hungry. Not actually hungry, just bored.

Fucking nice plate Dollface gave me, also. Sturdy and huge. Perfect for pancakes.


Anyway. we went out. every day. Carla Ghee has been waiting for me to post pictures of our adventures. Carla Ghee can party anyone under the table. She can dance to dubstep until 5 a.m. I don't know how. She is a bad (good) influence. She suggested day drinking on St. Pat's and I suggested Bloody Marys so that it looked socially acceptable. We are geniuses.

She is also very beautiful and snags lotsa babes.


One time we found a tub on the sidewalk and we put it down and got in and then a ghost came

and the ghost was like "hhheeeyyyyyy"

but super quiet so no one heard it.


maybe it was the ghost who also pulled the door off the washroom at the bar. Which bar?
I'm confused because we don't seem to be at Hoops in these photos.

I love Hoops. I think I like Hoops better than I like any other bar right now. It may have started as a joke but now I love it.
I love the bartenders and I love sitting at the bar and we had really good fajitas the other night and I like all the tvs kind of. I mostly love the staff. And being a regular there. Where else can you be a  good regular? And not care what you look like?
Our favourite bartender got the scoop on my Hoops crush for me.
Salt and pepper, almost
reddish beard
plaid rolled-up sleeves
faded tattoos
Turns out he's a chef, though.
sigh.
I do not want a chef boyfriend. I mean, he can still be my Hoops crush and since I'm into sowing my wild oats (mum cringe) then who cares.
but if I did care, I would care about him being a chef. you know what chefs like? meat. and gluten, almost certainly.

You know what's the best about crushes when you're pretty sure you're not looking to be tied down?
Nothing about the babes matters. I mean, the basics, sort of.
But anything else? Not a big deal.

Differing religious beliefs?
Leafs fan?
Hates cats?
Bad shoes?
Catholic guilt?
High all the time?

Doesn't matter! At all! No one cares!



this is what the window at my house looks like. I am upstairs, working away. Or at least eating and watching tv. Yes, I still have a wreath in my window. Obviously.

random photo round-up plus great movie reviews!

I think it's possible that cabin fever is setting in. Or depression. I'm not sure which. Depressive cabin fever?

Maybe!




I haven't left the house yet today and the past couple of days I really only went out to walk the dog. Trying to stay in and be good and not drink and not hit on babes and especially not spend any money.

Unfortunately my plans to be getting shit done seem to be falling remarkably flat. Or expectedly flat.

Hmmmm.

There is nothing that I feel like doing. Nothing. I could do anything and there's nothing that I want to do. Except watch TV and waste time on the internet. How ridiculously sad is that? I have so many skills and passtimes. I cannot believe that I have the gift of all this free time (in between applying for jobs online, I mean) and that I'm not using it at all.
UGH. story of my life.

I have gotten a couple of minor things done. But so super minor. I could have my entire house cleaned, a whole script written, sellable crafts made, or at least the dishes all done.


I made cookies last night! And then today I ate them!
Okay, there's still a few left but not many. I'm not drinking so instead I'll eat!

These photos are from Loving In The Name Of, which is a dance party featuring a superband made up of members of lots of the best bands and they play the best songs ever and call themselves The Best. Fair enough!
Miss Lindeman and McGruff did a duet! And it was soooo lovely. I wish I'd gotten a photo of them holding hands it was too cute to deal with. Aww the babies.

They love me and I love them forever.

And these next few photos are from a fundraiser beer party for Birdtown Swanville we went to on Saturday.


I took a few more of the worst shots ever that night but luckily I deleted them! Was super happy to see people, super happy to break it down for a bit, and super happy to eat all the nachos at Sneaky Dee's afterwards with my favourite Dollface.
Home by 2:30, didn't go to an after party, what am I? A regular man?


And finally, this is the only photo I took at the clothing swap on Sunday. It looks like it should be on the oddly specific aspect of fail blog.

No one took that shirt home with them.
I also didn't take the sleazy tank top home with me that said "Rock Royalty" on it, despite Dayna's pushing. Hahahaaa I kind of wish I had. Except that what if people didn't get that it was a joke?

We did get really sweet hauls, though. I love swaps! Honestly, they are one of the best things to come into my life in the past few years. Some of my most favourite items have come into my life via my friends and their friends. Plus there was sangria!

Okay, since I've been at home watching so many movies lately, maybe you'd like some reviews? Probably not but whatever.
Hmmm. Actually I'm the worst at reviews of anything and I also hate when people ruin anything about movies or tell me anything about them before I see them. Whatever. Here are some things I thought,

Blue Valentine:
The posters for this make it look really really sexy and hot and fun. Maybe I should have watched a trailer or something because this is really sad. I didn't love Michelle Williams or Ryan Gosling as much as I thought I would in this. In fact, I maybe liked Ryan Gosling better in All Good Things, which I watched recently as well. They were still totally solid but because they are two of my favouritefavourites, I had high expectations for these guys. Can someone make Ryan Gosling my boyfriend? Also, it did make me want to get a good dad for my kids, though. Hmmmmm.
Recommend.

Catfish
Dudes, I'm not allowed to ruin this for you! It says right on the poster. But I will say that it is a documentary and not a horror film. And I like good documentaries and this one is pretty outrageous. It'd be hard to make something up this crazy. Morgan Spurlock thought it was a fake but I do not because you'd be hard-pressed to find an actor who could pull off playing this character.
Recommend.

Temple Grandin:
Claire Danes! I'm not even going to pretend for one minute that I don't have a deep love for Claire Danes. I do. Except I also find her annoying sometimes. But not here! No not here at all! Maybe slightly over the top? But also maybe not. Playing someone who is autistic would be terrifically hard. And I think she did such a lovely, warm job of playing someone who really isn't warm at all. This story was super interesting as well, trying to make farms and slaughterhouses much more humane for cattle? I'm in!
Recommend.

Adam
I wasn't even going to bother mentioning I watched this movie, as it was terrible. But then I remembered that Hugh Dancy is Claire Danes'... WAIT. I thought ex-boyfriend but I just checked and they are MARRIED. Wow. hmm, and in this movie he plays a man with Aspergers, which is on the Autism spectrum.
Okay. This movie is not terrrrible, it is just not great. I found it forced and also boring. I found his portrayal a bit false. I don't even know why. Now I feel bad since he probably has a soft spot for Claire Danes, too.
Alright, Hugh Dancy, I really really like your name, I'll give you that. When I was small I had imaginary friends named Soandso and Dancy. soooo..... nice work.
Do Not Recommend.

The Social Network
Interesting! More interesting than I thought! I like the guy in this a lot. Ummm.. yep, that's pretty much what I have to say about that. Also, I'm glad Facebook exists, how else would I creep on everyone all the time?
Recommend.

The King's Speech:
Man, dudes cry a lot when becoming king, hey? Actually the friendship in this story is super lovely and I cried when I watched it, so... actually that doesn't prove anything because I get choked up over everything. I like looking at Helena Bonham Carter and pretending I will have a career like hers one day. GOAL. I liked the sets in this movie, also. Oh, and Colin Firth was great.
Would it be weird to name my daughter Wallace? I guess Cheesbrough is probably bad enough without bringing Wallace into it. 
Recommend.

Wow, at this rate watching the Oscars is actually going to be interesting for me. I've actually seen some of the movies.

Now, if you are my mother I can hear you thinking that I am being ridiculous watching a billion movies (not to mention the TV shows! Did anyone watch Shameless?) instead of writing my own shit.
And you are really, really right.

SUPERSIGH. 

romantical sabbatical 2k11

Except that kind of sounds like I'm taking a romantic vacation, instead of a vacation from the idea of romance. Hmmmm. you know what I mean, though.



Why yes, I do only have pictures from my walks with the dog.

That Bukowski poem shared in reader/buzz/etc sure got a lot of great comments from my friend group. Some a little too crude for posting, I would say.

from Niki:
"ugh. some men are boring."
and then later in the comment thread:
"NO MAKEOUTS FOR ANYONE DELICATE, DELICIOUS, OR WONDROUS!"

and from Cheesepie:
"a woman's value depends only on how consumable she is. known fact! delicate, delicious, or garbage."
and
"it's a boring, grating rhetoric we've had to hear a billion times. want to be a REAL woman? want to keep your mystery intact and be ever more desirable? then limit your interactions with other human beings! never fully be a person! hold out for the ONE!"

I'm going to fully agree with Cheespie on this. Except I still think the poem has a couple of valid bits to it, except that I think it's true for both genders.
It really has nothing to do with whether they are women,  more to do with the reasons for seeking out partners, how they're going about relating. 



The part that felt true to me was the part about choosing the next one out of revenge.

I'm very, very hesitant to write about Babe Break here because of how it makes me look or what's too much information or how much I actually want to be sharing.

But,
One of the main reasons for Babe Break is an over-saturation of the field. I'm not complaining about meeting and knowing many dudes I can have crushes on, and I'm also not saying I have several men on the go at all times, but it gets to feeling like I just universally have crushes on pretty much everyone. Anyone I decide to, at least. I don't know what's true and I don't feel like I could tell if someone I actually liked came along.

And if I met a potential love interest who acted the way I act a lot of the time in terms of dating/relating/etc, then I wouldn't want to date them. I would find them untrustworthy and full of drama.

I'm sure that there have been friends of mine who have warned off dudes telling them I am made of drama. And I don't know how to say that's not true when I'm just not sure it isn't.
But I don't want it to be.



Dayna wondered out loud yesterday to me whether I'd be content having the sort of lifestyle that she has. Which is to say, a husband that she is head-over-heels about, not too much going-out, and lots of quiet nights in.

I would like to say FUCK YEAH, but who knows if that's actually fully true?
I've never managed to get myself into a situation even close to that, except possibly with a dude I dated a couple of years ago.
We stayed in and watched My So-Called Life, got a lot of take-out, sewed costumes for his band...  but then I was sort of mean. I never want to be like that again. The getting mean. I always get mean. I should be taken out back and shot, actually.
But the difference there is that I was just trying so hard to convince myself to love him. I wanted so badly to be in love it seemed that if I pretended hard enough it'd be true. Almost felt like it was.
Unfair of me. 
But I wasn't in love with him.
So I don't know how I'd feel about a quiet life hanging out all day with a bestfriend/truelove, but in theory that sounds pretty sweet.

The last semblance of a relationship I was in lasted way longer than most of my involvements and I wonder how much of that was because I was always fighting for his love and fighting to love him without being able to properly communicate or understand him, and maybe because we didn't spend every moment together.

I'd like to find someone I'd actually like to spend a lot of time with.




Haaa, the other day I asked my wonderful, funny, successful screenwriter friend where I should go to find my future husband (on account of I'd like to meet someone similar to him and therefore he should know) and he refused to help me out in any capacity.
I wish I could remember exactly how he put it, but it was something along the lines of
"No. I don't want you to meet him. You're too funny being single and slightly tortured."

I guess that's sort of a compliment.
I did point out to him that I had now built up a lifetime of funny stories about babes to tell. He was unconvinced.





Aaaaanyway, about choosing out of revenge, I don't think that's what I do, exactly, but if you have more than one babe on the go/in mind it makes each heartache that much easier to deal with. You can use one to distract from the other and another to distract from the one, etc. #1 crush is not the awesome dude you thought? well luckily this dude thinks you're the prettiest, etc, etc.

If you get enough cooks in the kitchen you don't even have to notice that nothing is getting cooked.

I am not pleased about operating like this, and that's whyfor Babe Break. To hopefully rearrange my priorities and patterns.



Also, with enough going on you stop noticing that there's no quality in any of the interactions.
I have not been out on a fun date basically... ever. I forget that romance is a thing that people actually experience. I forget how to be sweet to people and how to stop being defensive and rude.



The other bit that I liked about that particular Bukowski piece was about going about interactions selfishly. and,
"you're finally left with whatever
you have been willing to give
which often is:
nothing"

How can I possibly expect to fall in love with someone wonderful when I am not being wonderful, myself?
I know that this is obvious, and I'm sure I've said it before, but, I would like to be the type of person I'd want to be with. And I'm not being awesome right now.

I'm going to take the next little bit to regroup and figure out how to be more awesome. And maybe even get some shit done. Ya know?

YAAAAAY YAY YAYYYY