live off the attention

sometimes you cut like one inch off your hairs or something and it necessitates a whole whack of photos being taken of your own self.
I mean, like I ever need an excuse. Classic.


I bought this dress in Saskatoon over the holidays but yesterday was the first time I wore it. Insanely comfortable. I wore something underneath it when I left the house. I can't guarantee that will always be the case.




Mrs. gave me this a couple of weeks ago maybe now. I have yet to sit down and really go through it but it is very lovely. I will forsure be copying images from this for my own herb drawings, but also maybe I will learn about plants and what to do with them. I know so, so little about plants it's really kind of remarkable, especially given how my mum is super interested in horticulture and the house was always filled up with plants when I was a kid. Straight up ignored that shit, yo.
I remember my mum saying that she ignored her mother's gardening as a kid as well (did you say that, Mum, or am I making this up?) and was surprised by her interest in it later in life.
I'm not saying I'm going down that road, and I def still have a blind spot for most plants, but... I'm finding it more appealing, I guess.


I love my Second City class, still. In case you were wondering. It's so hard. Conservatory is so hard. And it's hard to bring in ideas for people to work on or shut down or change. I'm super bossy about what I find funny and what I want to do with my ideas, it's a challenge for me to calm down and trust other people to help or change or work with it.
A good challenge.
I'm trying to learn how to pitch my ideas so that I will be trusted and taken seriously about them. I'm trying to learn how to explain why I think it'll be funny and in what way.
I'm learning how to fight for my ideas and how to let other people work with them.
Hard!
And very interesting.
It's fascinating to me how quickly comedy has become insanely important to me. How did I avoid it for so long? How did I manage to pretend that it wasn't something I was that interested in actually pursing? So silly!
it's the best!
And guess what? I am pretty okay not bad at all really.




what a little pink face I am.

we talked breifly in improv class last night about our insecurities and, man, it's hard to even know where to start!
Good god damn, I'm insecure about everything about myself.
Except maybe... ha, nope, just thought about it for awhile and couldn't think of anything I'm not at least a little tiny bit insecure about.
Even things I know I'm good at like being a good friend or having a good sense of humour.

Anyway, taking photos of myself where I look way better than in real life is all part of that. I get it, I get it. Super self-indulgent. But, there you go.




part of all this self-obsession is maybe also that I can't seem to hold onto a concept of who I am. I find myself mesmerized by people in the subway wondering if that's what I look like, if that's what I sound like or act like. Even though I've seen myself on film lots of times, I can't comprehend how I must look to other people, I can't imagine what they would think of me.


ha, following up that last little ramble with this photo is just great. Look how seriously I can take myself.


I haven't worn this broach yet because I'm scared I'll lose it. It is a particularly lovely one, the leaves are my favourite part.

Okay, I'm going to go to a screening of A Small Thing (short I was in a few years ago) now just to see if there are any compliments that need to be thrown my way. Also to hang out with my bud I never get to see... and hopefully see some other good things.
But mostly for the attention.
I don't know if the photos contained in this entry make it completely clear or not, but I live off attention. Pretty much.

please spring, be now

Today would be a good day to follow me on instagram. Oh, how I love instagram.

Man, I sure love a lot of things today. Spring, man, that must be it.

I bought hyacinths and am enjoying my valentines flowers to their bitter end.


I was up and out of the house by 11 for a couple quick errands and it was so warm and sunny. Nothing makes me feel like a luckier lady than when spring starts to hit.

I'm not feeling super well but I'm weirdly powering through it (very unlike me) to do some projects and take photos and stuff. I haven't even watched any TV today. Super bizarre.
Spring, man.





finally got around to hanging some of the crystals from a broken chandelier I found in an abandoned house in Saskatchewan last summer. I've given a few of them away, gave one to my roommate, Catdad (that's what I'm going to call him from now on because the cats follow him around like his little children and he's obsessed with them. in a good way), because he asked. So he's got one for the morning light in his upstairs bedroom.



I'm a big fan of Catdad. So far.
We are both around all the time in the days so it's good we get along. He's very, very silly. And pretty much everything he says makes me laugh. just too silly. He frequently comes downstairs to ask me "serious questions" such as, "does my hair look weird parted to the other side?" and so on...



I had a few of my favourite people over last night to watch the Oscars and Catdad joined for a bit and later he told me, "I stayed quiet and unfunny as I could so people would think you were lying about me".



Finally started going through a bunch of people's pinterest pages. Just sucks you in, doesn't it? My family's pages were especially tasteful (who is surprised!?) and it made me miss them.
You can see what I'm posting: pinterest.com/ohmistletoe, if you like.



I got a surprise (I mean, I knew it was coming I just didn't know so soon) package delivery from my mum this afternoon. Oh how I love a good package (HA HA).



Look at this cape! (I know it's technically a poncho but I really like the word cape better.

I'm pretty pleased with it.


My aunt commented on this on facebook and said "I think you might actually BE your mother."  Maybe not quite, but I do love my mother and also admire her so that is not a bad thing to say to me.
These pictures do particularly make me think of my mother. In several ways.
Funny that my aunt wrote that, though because today I was going back through the tiny magazines I made years ago and found this

too true, too too true.


there was also gluten-free gingersnaps and fair-trade chocolate in this package. Congratulations for being exactly what I wanted to eat today!


this is what my hairs are doing these days. I'm still very torn as to what I want to do with the colour. But I'm also kind of feeling this roots business. I almost wish there were more of a constrast. So much natural colour right now, the most in years.


I like when I look a bit older and plainer, like in these. Like a little mum, like a good person, like a kind little bud.

haaaaaaaa, oh you know what I mean.


Things are going really, really well today. As we've discussed. But I'm also sad. The good kind of sad where it's for a good reason. Does that make sense? Probably if you're a sensitive artist-type like me.
No, what I mean is like I'm homesick and I really miss my mum and family a lot right now. And I'm worried about my future.

Also, sometimes being a good person and good friend is hard.
I talk a lot about wanting to be less selfish. And I very much would like to be a kind person and a good friend. It's funny when one is faced with a situation that tests that. You can either be a good person OR you can have what you want when you want it.
I'm very much a giant brat, so guess what I normally choose.
Anyway. I'm trying to be better. Baby steps, kids, baby steps.

ohhh good here is all about my weight loss plan! How fun! wonderful!

Hopefully this is the only entry that I write that is really only about dieting.

But first some points about this!
a) For a regular woman, I have a solid body. I know that, I don't really have super body-image issues, I like a good curve more than most people, I'd say.
b) I don't think everyone should be skinny. Especially skinny-skinny. Especially not unhealthy.
c) being an actor is different. The main thing you have is your appearance.
d) I will almost certainly fall off this bandwagon and pretend this never happened!

HI GUYS WANT TO KNOW ABOUT MY DIET?

the worst thing about people who are on diets is that all they talk about is their diets! Because they're huuuuungry. Just kidding I'm not very hungry right now. (medium hungry)
But the shitty, shitty thing about keeping track of a diet is that it's always on your mind.

Okay so basically I've just been using My Fitness Pal (cool name! ughhh) to track my calories and exercise.
It seems like MFP is a bit like Weight Watchers but I've never done WW or know anything about it so maybe I'm wrong?

What I like about the idea of tracking calories and exercise is that it's just math. Man, you can eat whatever you want whenever you want and you can not exercise if you don't want to, but the math will tell you why you are or are not losing weight.
MATH DOESN'T LIE.

Know what I'm saying? You can't eat a billion calories of all proteins and not do any activity and then be surprised that you aren't losing weight. And you can't eat twice as much just because you worked out.

I like that there's no tricks or rules, it's just math! So straightforward! Calories in versus calories out!


(I've been eating an ungodly amount of apples. Apples settle my stomach and calm me and I love them.)

Okay, so with this app (available for iphone, bb, android, and online), you enter in your age, height, weight, and goal and it does the math for you and lets you know what your daily "goal" is for calories.
Then in your daily diary you also enter in your cardiovascular activities and it lets you know how many calories you've burned.
I've been walking so, so much lately and feeling wonderful for it (thanks, winter).


I like the game of having a certain amount of calories to spend or earn. It's like being on a budget or having an allowance.
This may sound weird but I'm enjoying food more. I'm taking more care to think about what I'm eating and its nutritional value and taste value and how much of it I'm eating and whether I'm savouring it.

(Also I'm doing remarkably shitty and unhealthy things like saving up all of my calories for beer and nachos. Classssssic.)

For entering things in you can search it in the app and it will remember things you've chosen but you can also scan the barcodes of things you're eating! Fun! It's like an activity game!
Also you can enter your own recipes and it does all the math for you. That is basically genius, in my humble opinion.

I like that the app has a summary of what you've eaten and its nutritional value. Because I'm eating very few calories I need to be more careful that I'm getting what I need.

Obviously not!
Today I've only had some tea and some yogurt and frozen berries and I'm already over what my sugar should be. (I'm pretty much always over on sugars... sigh.)
I'm forsure taking my multivitamin again because this made me realize what maybe I wasn't getting.
I've been into vegetables and fruits in a big, big way, and also homemade soups (obviously!) because they are so simple and delicious and healthy and low-calorie.


Summary! I was maybe a bit silly about this last week. Win some, lose some.


A good thing is that when you're under your calorie goal it gives you this little message, which I think is nice and kind of effective.
I do like that when you complete an entry it tells you what you'd weigh in 5 weeks if every day was like that day. It's just true, it's not a lofty goal, it's just what will really happen if you really eat/exercise that way.

So, in summary, I hate people who talk about their diets but this video-game electronic-tracker-game actor-diet has become one of my favourite jokes and I find it weirdly enjoyable.
Also, tracking progress is rewarding. It just is.
I've lost around 7 pounds so far in the past 4 or 5 weeks. I kind of wish I owned a more accurate scale as I am fascinated/inspired by the progress!  I feel oddly powerful like a knight!
I know people swear against owning scales but I think it's a very individual thing.
Plus I'm not a competitive person, except against myself in silly ways. So I like challenging myself in fun games like this. Just to see.


Oh hey guys, you can keep track of all your "snacks"!


Also, yes, I am very, very worried about losing all my boobs. In case you guys were wondering.

OKAY SOME QUICK THINGS ON MY MIND ABOUT DIETS:

1) Water. So much water all the time.
         If I'm hungry I have a glass of water to assess if I'm actually hungry. Water before food. Helps me realize if I'm full.

2) Virtually every skinny person is more careful about food than you would realize/they would let on.

3) It's okay to be hungry for a minute.
       Somewhere along the line I got a weird panic about food/being hungry. I think it's that I am able to eat so few things that food seems scarce in my life. Ha!
       I'm kind of into the anticipation of most things in life so food is becoming like that. I like being hungry while I put together a wonderful lunch. So delicious in a minute!

4) Alcohol is just calories. Sooooo many calories. You cannot drink all the beers every day and be a skinny guy. My mother will be pleased to hear that I'm drinking less because of this weird game. You're welcome, mother.

okay this is an embarrassing entry to have written for a bunch of reasons! Cool! Great! I hate diets!