pissing in the wind, painting white on white, and I'll beat a dead horse back to life

Getting older is cool I guess because maybe you figure out how to react better to situations and know what you're getting yourself into and are a bit more prepared for shit. So I hear?
Nah, I do feel like I'm getting a bit more realistic and smarter about things.



I just read a missed connection from Hoops in North York and Carla Ghee and I have been talking lots about how many missed connections we will get all summer long.
I feel like everyone's kind of off the missed connections train? Like for a bit there I heard lots about them but these days it seems fewer?



Remember when I had my very own missed connection?

ha, I just searched my blog for "missed connection" and found this gem from 2k8 talking about a babe I saw:

I would put a missed connection add up EXCEPT
a) I've seen Ghost World
b) I shouldn't even be allowed to date
and
c) I've decided not to pursue babes anymore. Which, of course, means that I'm never going to get any because boys are giant sucks and never push anything and I am the one who pushes everything and people that do pursue me are never the ones that I want (who do I want though, really?).
But seriously though, babes need to put in effort.


good to know that things have changed so much in the past few years. :\
ha!


Hmmm a quick search of my blog reveals that I never said that much about that missed connection other than it was a real one.


I was wearing this top that day, though. if that helps.


Now it's been long enough that I can talk about it! Coooool! I like this part. Even though it's not a great story and I mostly look bad. But still. Also cool because
a) I don't know him or see him in any way anymore
b) who cares

anyway, I went on a date with that missed connection. Let's call him Connie (short for connection, obvs).
I actually hung out with him a few times over a couple of weeks there.
He was kind of lovely, though just out of a huge long-term thing (ha, I should rent myself out as a rebound), and he was quite grumbly for such a young guy. Sort of a curmudgeon and a bit of a snot about things.
Really particular about his coffee and his scotch and his food and everything in his life. A bit of a stick-in-the-mud. Funny for someone with sleeves of tattoos and baby-face.

Also, he played guitar and sang and was working with an experimental band because he said that just writing a regular song on guitar was "too easy"...
to which I replied "probably the song is not good enough, then" (filled with tact, I am)

I think he was into the idea of being a good boyfriend-type, which is such a bizarre thing in my life. But we did have some good brunches and dates and ate gelato in the park and stuff.
and once he sent me a text that said "you're quite cute you know"
aww.

but I didn't really care. I wanted to because it was such a good story, but we didn't actually care about each other.

And so when the opportunity arose to skip town with someone I was invariably hung up on, I just went and didn't think twice.

so that was then end of that.

I'm meant to be doing some writing right now. I opened up all the files and everything. And I've got a new idea that I need to decide even what it's going to be. I think a play or a short. I've never really written a play, but I have a big desire to do one soon and I'd like to write it, too.
Might as well, since I'm not tooo busy.
You can be in it too, if you'd like.

i had a man in summertime with summer-coloured skin

just now, at the bar, Norman said to me that it seems I'm never out looking for "true love", and that's something he values in me. That I'm not always about to meet the ultimate best person for me, I'm not expecting someone to make me whole at any moment. (extreme paraphrasing)
He also mentioned how he's never really seen me about to settle down/fall in love with anyone.

I think it seems a lot of the time that I have several babes on the go (or at least wishful thinking-wise)  and I don't mind and that life is fun and for having fun and pushing stuff.
I do believe that...

but, also, I forsure get my hopes up and get hung up and even occasionally let my heart hope for something solid, something big, something more.

I'm rather defensive, I think, about being single. I'm defensive in that I want to let everyone know that I am alright with it. And partly it is to reassure myself that everything is going to be alright. Partly it is true, but not always the only truth.

Being single is very fun (and should be!) and I like knowing me and knowing how I am on my own. I love crushes and I love potential.

...and there are moments where; how can I maintain this constant enjoyment of crushes and men without dreaming of being with someone for a good length of time?
Without dreaming of one person being able and willing to try for me, to put effort in, to admit to caring about me and be wiling to accept what I'm giving as well?

how is it that at this juncture in my life I still have yet to find a big love?
how is it that I don't have anyone I want to hold hands with all day, or introduce to my family, or ride bikes on the island with and lie in the sun on the beach with?


the last person I really dated (over a year ago) for any length of time.. I feel like we didn't even know how to communicate.
I don't think he ever had any idea how lovely and really beautiful I thought he was. and I certainly felt like he never thought I was that good-looking or even appealing, really.

It's funny how we get into routines of interaction and patterns that are set so early on and hard to get out of.

I was scared of scaring him away and so I snuck back into his life and was quiet like a mouse and didn't ask him for anything and didn't accost him with my love and didn't gush all over him like I'd maybe wanted to, for fear of scaring him.
I seriously thought he was the best and the most beautiful and never said it.
It seem unfathomable to me in real life that I would ever not tell someone I loved those things, and yet...

part of all the problems between us was how we never knew what the other was thinking. part of the problems was that we were holding back or assuming things, or being so wary all the time.
of course, the biggest problem was that we were just really ill-suited. 

I loved him very much, and yet the only time I ever said it was after a bottle of vodka and a tumble over onto my bike (which I was walking at the time, thank god).
I vaguely remember swearing up and down to him that I loved him.
And he said he loved me too. Which I fully believe to be true, in its way.
And I never brought it up again.
Because I am a pussy.
And because that's just not how things were between us.

I'm on the verge of being ready for someone to try for me. Really put in effort and care for me.
Pretty sure after all these years of only going half-way, I'm building up to a really good turn.
I'll figure out how to love someone who has room to love me too.

eventually.
probably next year.

For now I'd settle for an actual date-request or miniature romantic gesture... 



Unrelatedly,
I've started on an urge for traveling. I've never been interesting in going. I'm such a tiny homebody, just looking for the familiar and reassuring.
But I'm wanting something new, adventures, change of scenery, etc.
I'm glad to be moving apartments because of this, but also, I'm ready (maybe) to start doing more with my life, to push shit, and get out of the routines I've had going for the past 5 or so years..

we look the same forever

here are some pictures I took of Prune a few years ago. On film, even.
I used to be a pretty good photographer. Until digital came into my life.


Prune-earnest-face is one of my favourite things.

I did not take any photos at dot last night, which is a bit too bad since one dude had a broken nose real bad, I should have documented it better.
Fisher said "you said I was a bit of a baby!" and I laughed. 

Here are pictures Prune took of me on that same day:

Whoa, highlights, hey?
Five years ago, and we still look pretty much the same. Haa, man, we look the same as grade 3, who are we kidding?


Solidgold hang times with Prune. Pretty much as always. Sure, Prune irritates me just as much as anyone else, but I know her. I know her probably better than I know anyone. I don't have to explain anything to her or give her the backstory, she was there for most of it. And we also have similar approaches to communicating (mostly). 

Island this summer:



(Remember the summertime? Not to go on about this, but MAN am I excited for this summer.)



anyway. yes, we hung out at dot and in true dot fashion we ran into another woman we've been meaning to make plans with. How totally classic.




All I've been listening to is the new Timber Timbre album. I just love this guy, guys.
Again, you can stream it here.
Fisher says it's not as good as the last one. And maybe not but it is surely still delicious and you can listen to them back-to-back if you like I'm alright with that for sure.


I've done a bit of cleaning lately, big sorting and cleaning out and tossing shit.
Diabetes foundation did a pick-up today and I left them 4 garbage bags full of stuff. Amazing. And that wasn't even all the clothes because I saved a bag to take for swapping. (clothing swaps are my life.)
Threw out so many shoes! Fuck you, shoes!
I still have 3 pairs of small brown boots. It's actually insane the amount of boots I need.
Boots boots boots boots.

Hey tomorrow is the 7 year anniversary of me living on my own. WHOA. Also 7 years in this apartment. Whoaly.

Prune brought me sage to burn in the corners of this place the first night we came here and a fuse had blown and there was no light. I didn't even have a bed when I first came here. I did have a lot of CDs, though. Ha, priorities. 


Haa, my kitchen shelves still look like this basically. And this is from 5 years ago. I don't care. I still like it.

Plus it looks like I'm moving out in a couple of months here. PANIC. No, I used to have multiple panic dreams about losing this apartment but lately I feel a bit tired of this place and I have multiple dreams of finding other rooms and spaces I'd never realized were there.
Several dreams of rooftop gardens and several dreams of finding a whole other room which can just be my closet (haaaa imagine having a whole room devoted to clothes/accessories? yikes).


Before I had an AC unit in the back window I used to climb out onto the roof more. This is the view from outside.
Still love this place. Hopefully will sublet it for a few years, or hopefully someone I know rents it and then if they ever leave maybe I'd want it back.


These are today.
I get to work the Korn concert tonight. Where is the backward R key?

Then Jays home opener tomorrow and I'll be back in the green. Right? Lord, I hope so.

christmas stockings 2010

You know what I just realized?
I forgot to blog about Christmas, really.
I'm bad at getting around to things. I haven't blogged two Christmases ago, either. Or my roadtrip with my mother last summer. Lots of things, really!

Okay today I'm just going to do Christmas stockings! Too many photos to get through.

This was the first year EVER that for first thing Christmas morning at my mum's house for stockings there was anyone besides me, mum, E, and my aunt Vagabond (aahaahaaahahaha I was about to shorten that to vag then realized probably not).
Anyhow, my brother's GF came and it ended up being nice, but I was still a little hesitant about the whole idea of a somewhat-stranger (to me) being at my favourite moment of the year. Am I selfish cow? Yes.

Anyhow, the addiction of an extra person meant not having Christmas in my mother's bed as we normally do (it's surrounded on 3.5 sides by walls so it's ideal for cuddling on to eat chocolate and drink tea and throw wrapping paper in the air).
So we dragged all our blankets into the living room (which is insanely cozy, anyway) and cuddled up there.


I think next year we're going to have to have an actual limit on how many gifts per stocking. It's sooo easy to go overboard, especially when you're shopping over a couple of months for small things.
Man, did we all get stuff. So many things!

See what I mean? I promise you that my mother and Vagabond's stockings are under there somewhere. But where?


My pile! I was brought to my mother in that red stocking on Christmas morning when I was one day old. Did anything that adorable ever happen to you?
Didn't think so.


My stocking, E's, his gf's. E's stocking is a baby-bundler that he received as an infant. It unlaces to allow for extra gift-storage. Also, very beautiful. I wish I had one.
Haaaa I am never content with what I have, always jealous of everyone else. Aren't we all?


Awww my bro and his gf. They were pretty cute in their new Christmas PJs and her Christmas socks.


We made a bit of a mess. Also, notice the pile of presents behind Mum on the shelf. That was only the tip of the iceberg.


Soooooo many nice things!

We always do stockings and then showers/getting ready and go over to my cousin's house for Christmas Brunch (the crowning jewel of our festivities) and gift exchange. I'll do photos from that soon I hope.


I wear my "it's my birthday" necklace pretty much for all of December.
Did I consider wearing it the other day to a birthday party of a bunch of people I didn't know? Obviously.


I think these photos are from when I wasn't feeling well on my birthday. Or Christmas night? That sucked.

Okaokaokaayaoakokay some of the gifts.


I was into the white and brown paper, stamps, and raffia, obviously. so darling.


sssssssiiiiiiigggggggggggghhhhhhhh



I'm not leaving the house today, I don't think. I need that. I'm about to be working all the time. Okay, maybe not allll the time, but way more than I have been. And I show no signs of losing interest in partying.

So many funtimes lately and so many good jokes. Also, I had my favourite kind of Blizzard last night and now that's all I want more of. Mint Smartie Skor. special order because I'm a pain like that. A pain with excellent taste in caaaaaandy.



How the hell did I not end up with that blue bag? So delicate and wondrous. Want Want Want.

I am for sure naming my kid Wondrous. WONDROUS CHEESBROUGH.

perfect.

bring on 27, I've never been more ready to have things get awesome

guys guys guys guys gggguys guysss guuuys




heyyy guys. guess what? It's my birthday!




I don't know what it is about 27 that I'm so excited about but, man, I'm pretty stoked on it.
Maybe I'll be eating my hat this time next year, but I bet you this next year is going to be rad.



It's only just midnight here in Saskatoon and I feel it's the best idea to celebrate as long as possible and with as much gusto as I can muster. right? mmmhmm. Right now my gusto includes beers and internet and bothering the cats. Pretty party I would say.

(yes our angel is possibly drunk and holding a bottle... don't hate)


Tomorrow I have lunch with some fam and Killary and then dinner with even more fam and it's really only sinking in now that I'll get some actual gifts tomorrow! whoaly so excited. I love stuff! so much!


Things have been a little up and down this evening but these beers are helping and these cookies and lying around like an entitled asshole is always the best. Plus I'm going to be officially TWENTYSEVEN tomorrow at 8:52 a.m. -- the best ever!!

Aging is so fun! I get to be older and wiser, so excited for growing up and getting to do way more fun things forever. Think about all the adventures I can have!



oooookay here are some photos of me from the past! for to celebrate my progress a little bit.

grade 12! ten years ago... man. hahahaa way to go me for making that face. So classic, Cheesbrough.

nothing makes you feel better about aging than seeing photos of yourself when you were lamer. A bit at least? I remind me of someone in this one. I can't think who though. Also, I look so earnest! Aww.

Thank god my mum put this one in the album! Woweeee. Can you believe this exactly around the time that I finally started dating my number one crush of 4 years? me neither.

hooo lordy I practically lived in my locker in highschool.  Sweet hand-made bell-bottoms. Why am I posting these again? Who knows!


aww I wish I could still eat donuts. This is me when I was younger (natural hair colour I think!) (every picture is a picture of when you were younger, show me a picture of you when you are older then I will say 'where'd you get that camera?' -mitch hedburg) and I think when I was in about as bad of a mood as I was in all this early eve. Luckily that has passed.

okokok should go to bed now, be well-rested to fully enjoy the shit out of my special day.

Here is me riding "The Champion" at the Western Development Museum today, tonnes more pictures from this visit later.

the horses are coming so you better run

I'm doing my best to make myself sick of this song:

so far, no dice. Still want to dance around forever to it.

I'm wrapping gifts!
And making gifts! How exciting for me!

I broke my iPhone already!
By which I mean the lock button is jammed. Bruuutal. So if I pocked dial you, you'll know why. I'm going to take it in but that's where things get complex because it is not synced to any computer right now so I have no back-up so I want to back it up before I take it in but I need to install Leopard on this machine in order to sync it but I should back up my files on this machine first. OH LORD. technology!

My friend, Arrow, who is Mrs's live-in steady is going to help me with it tonight. I recently decided to call him Arrow on here. I possibly referred to him before as MP. Did I? Who knows. if so, that's boring. Arrow is way better. If you know him and can guess how I got to Arrow I'll give you a prize*. This is Arrow's website: everydayiveknownyou.com, sometimes I am featured on it!

Went over to Arrow and Mrs's place last night and brought Flash Gordon along and we drank Sopporo and sat by their Christmas tree.
I meant to take photos of their Christmas tree for you but I forgot.
I'll try to remember on Saturday. Saturday is Mrs's annual Christmas party! Mrs. loves Christmas almost as much as me (not even close) and her party is always a highlight of the season.


See, look how happy I am at it last year?

okay, yeah, let's go ahead and repost photos from a couple of years ago, too!
that'll get us in the spirit!

the cats get bowties. everyone is fancy!


this was the year that Mrs. curled her hair and proclaimed her name was Diana.


aww this guy is totally one of my favourite people these days. Actually for years now.

this guy too. Actually this guy especially because the other night he (drunkenly) explained to me how I get better looking ever day. YOU WIN MY AFFECTIONS.

I hope we have so much fun our feet can't stay on the ground!

Also, guys, in case you were wondering. I will be celebrating both my birthday and Christmas this Sunday night at the Dakota Tavern. The Beauties will be playing and I will be dancing.
I've already invited all of you over Facebook but if I don't know you feel free to come dance creepily beside me and not introduce yourself.
Hmm. Or introduce yourself, yeah that'd be better.

Okay back to the grind (gift-making!)...



*Won't really.