here's an honest bit

(I'm going to try not to backtrack and pre-apologize for my own self and my own thoughts in this entry. Try.)



I'm only interested in honesty these days. I have a big, big interest in honesty. I mean, I always have but lately, man. It's all I care about.

sometimes I don't think I get enough credit.

I don't get enough credit for being a rational human.
In the past I have certainly been less than rational. But then, who hasn't? I've been impulsive and interested in pushing situations and seeing what I can get away with. It goes along with being a young person. Everyone handles being young differently.
I'm still so, so young. And so selfish. I know that is very true.

I do have patterns. I have two-week involvements and I have few-month involvements. I've never been in a serious long-term relationship. I don't do this on purpose, it's how things work themselves out.
And there's been times in recent years where when something happens (or doesn't happen or fails to be realized) that I'll have people say things like "Oh, Meredith, when are you going to learn how to have a relationship?"

I love liking people. I am full-hearted and cocks-on-the-table in terms of my levels of affection for people I like. In friendships I pursue and rope in and befriend like there is no tomorrow. I tenderly whisper my love to my pals, or tell them in awkward loud yell-laughs, or write it in lots of letters if I feel too awkward around them. I like people so, so much! I love loving people and caring for them and looking out for them and being involved in their lives.
Want to know how I somehow wrangled the best people in the world to be my best friends? THAT'S HOW.
By caring about them until I could just burst into one thousand pieces.



I'm so proud to be with each and every one of my good pals. Just so pleased to have them on my arm and introduce them to people and take them out on the town. What a fucking lucky gremlin, I am!

So, naturally, it follows based on this being my personality, that I like babes. I like babes so much. And I have a real cool skill of being able to have a crush on such a wide variety of people. Sort of like how I have such a wide variety of friends in different circles who I like for very different reasons. If there's an element of kindness, honesty, and good humour in a human, I want them around me.
I see potential and interesting things in so many people, and I want to push that and pursue it.
I think humans are so intricate and detailed, and there is such, such beauty in everyone.

With friends, it goes so much more unnoticed if I quickly befriend someone and then they don't end up being close in my life. When it turns out we aren't that compatible, it's not revolutionary.
It's harder with babes.
It's especially harder with babes because society has set up relationships to be the be-all and end-all. They're everyone's ultimate goal.

I find this SO SILLY and also completely valid.


You want to build a relationship with someone and have them join your family and make a new family with them and share your whole future?
OF COURSE THAT'S IMPORTANT.
but.  if that's not what happens, then you're fine! I'm fine! It's fine to be alone! It's actually sometimes the most wonderful, coolest time. Partnership is not necessary. IT JUST ISN'T. (okay, maybe it is for you and I fully understand that and support it.)

Short involvements with babes are harder in my life because I get so involved and wrapped up in things and enjoy talking about it and dissecting it and dreaming about it. Which is natural, I believe.

The most simple reason why my relationships are short is because I know what I know when I know it. Maybe that sounds ridiculous, but I've never regretted ending anything. I've never looked back and been like "holy shit, how did I let that get away from me".
I know who I am, and I like who I am, and I know what I like.
And as soon as I get it into my head that the relationship would not last forever then I get out. I can't pretend, I can't stick around working on things that I know are not true enough. I think it does me and my partner a disservice by keeping us in something that's not good enough.

And I don't regret being dumped. By anyone. I don't regret having crushes that weren't reciprocated. All of this is just true things that happened, I'm who I am because of what has happened. If someone doesn't want to date me then lord knows I don't want to be involved with them either!
I've been involved with some brats, but for the most part I still really respect/admire/like the men I've been involved with. I've been lucky to know a lot of great people.

I know I'm remarkably un-choosy in my vast array of vague crushes, that's just a fun that I have!
I'm slightly more choosy in terms of who I kiss or date, and then ridiculously, horrendously choosy about who I will have a proper relationship with.
BECAUSE I SHOULD BE.

I don't have patience for people who stay in things that are not-great. Especially because it's usually out of fear, or out of the desire to fight for someone's love. To be validated.

Cool, I can validate myself at home, alone. if you know what I'm saying.

I'm so happy on my own. I'm me being me. It's easiest to be honest and the nice kind of person I want to be when I'm on my own.

If I'm going to be in a relationship it's going to be because it is as good, or better than being by myself. And if, in the first few months, it's not as good, then I'm right to get out.

And, guys, I have the best possible friends in the universe that I can't wait to see and can't wait to hang out with and until it happens that I can sustain that feeling with a man I'm dating, then I have no interest in that situation!
Until I feel like the luckiest person to be with him, and him with me. Then, no no no that's not a cool venue for me. Nope nope.



If there's a person who's going to be a priority in my life then they need to be the best person for me. So many men I know are the best people, but they are not the best people for me. And I'm not the best me with them.
I just can't be in that right now.

This is not about how relationships take work and how there are ups and downs. I see that, I agree with that, big loves are not simple and easy and always straight-forward, but that's not what I'm on about right now.

Relatedly, I think it's unfair to judge me for having a lot of crushes and for kissing people I feel like kissing since:
a) those things are very fun
and
b) how do I know what I want unless I find it?

And the thing is, when I'm in something, I'm in it. I'm just in it. I'm not crazy and looking at other babes, I'm good at being with one person. When I'm in something good I can't imagine being anywhere else. I'm loyal, and I'm a care-taker.

I just have no intention of living a chaste and restrained life, waiting for a husband to come and find me. I'm interested in being the most honest, having the most fun, and having big adventures.
Those are my priorities right now.

If a big TRUE LOVE never ever happens for me I'll be quite surprised, but I'm GD happy these days. So GodDamned happy these days.
And if you meet me when I'm 82 and I say, "I should have listened, it was my patterns that screwed me up, I did never get anyone a proper chance, I did only want what I couldn't have"
then you can go ahead and say I told you so!
Until then, I'm going to go ahead with crushes, and loving who I can, and trying to be the most kind and the most honest and see where that takes me.


I apologize for sounding self-righteous. I will hopefully be growing out of that soon.

(Photos of Carla Ghee, Prune, and Cheespie. For just a few examples of some of the best people in the universe who I am too lucky to be loved by.)

addictions and honesty

A couple of weeks ago I had coffee with my friend who just got out of rehab. He says I'm allowed to blog anything, including that he's just gotten out of rehab because he is on a program of honesty. But I feel like I don't need to be specific about him, sharing preferences might change later.

But while we are on the honesty bandwagon here, I'll say that I was a bit nervous about this, our first one-on-one hang out since he's been finished the program. I've been on kind of an off-and-on bender for the past while (basically since I said I was going to start taking my life more seriously) so I felt embarrassed about that.
Also being the self-centered, functioning-alcoholic that I am I worried I would say the wrong things or feel defensive of my own habits or feel uncomfortable about his new-found beliefs.

Valid concerns.



We had a really nice hang, though. A lot of honest conversation and it was good to hear about what he's going through right now.

He sounds more warm and positive than pretty much everyone else I know these days. I think it's taking effort to stay like that, but when I saw him he did seem less cynical than he'd ever been.
I have it in my mind that being a recovering addict would be very depressing and hard and lonely and I think at times (a lot of times?) it would be. But probably if you could go about doing it right and making a new kind of life for yourself then it would be the best thing. If you could find enough support and counseling and new activities...
Not that it wouldn't be hard. No of course holy shit that'd be hard.

The idea of never drinking again puts me into a panic, I'll tell you that for sure. But that's why AA says one day at a time, apparently.
I realize that I am a problem-drinker. I have not hit any type of bottom yet though so I am still in it. I'm not at a point where I can seek help for it. I think a lot (a lot a lot) of us are at that point. I'm also still at a point where I could get out of it, I believe.
It's easy to find humour in benders and in ridiculous behaviours. It's easy to laugh off blacking out and think about how little fun staying in and going to sleep would have been.



I feel a bit of relief sometimes when I get to have a drink which is not a good sign, I realize that. But I am not drinking seven days a week and I am not the worst trainwreck ever. Just a bit of a fenderbender right now.



If the addiction is a symptom of underlying problems then I guess yeah, I should be making an effort to be finding out why I'm actually like this these days. I should probably be figuring out a way to really love myself.
Ha, that's the worst kind of hard work!

I have a meeting with a possible family doctor for me in a couple of weeks and I suppose I will ask her to refer me to a therapist. A therapist who is covered? Possible? Who knows! I've never met with a counsellor/therapist I liked because I am very manipulative and I can sway stories so it looks like I'm always the victim and should never have to do any work. I need a super-smart therapist who won't believe me and will see through me.
The problem is that I walk in and start crying and then they kind of have to believe me. It's hard not to believe a crying girl. Even if she's maybe crying over her own character failures and not the world's travesties.
It'd be good if I had a therapist who I liked who had little patience for my laziness/excuses.
Hmmm.



Talking to someone like this friend who is really trying to be positive and a good person and not worried about petty shit makes it very hard to be high-strung and rude about everyone. He was really not interested in my babe-drama or my gossip.
I'd like to be a positive person too you know!

Hanging out with him is making me sort of consider my own behaviours and hopefully I'll keep a handle on my life. It's also one of the things that's making me think about how honesty is obviously the best policy.

And I will say that I've been being really honest about things (especially babes) these past couple of weeks and nothing is perfect, but I'm feeling better about myself and have more hope for how things will turn out for me.
Example: AWESOMELY



cougar would like a minute of your time for feedback on what you've seen on my page, they have a survey set up here, which if you fill out they will donate $2 to the Red Cross. So do it. Please. Easypeasy.
(also, the red rain boots featured in the shitty hipstamatic photos here have officially been walked around in for hours by me and I will say they are very comfortable and very, very warm. almost too warm. in a good way. that's all.)

with enough honesty to stun a small animal

I'm justifying still being awake at 3 a.m. by making this blog entry. You're welcome.

I know I'm late to the party on this one but why didn't anyone tell me about it sooner?
imboycrazy.com
Was I just not listening?
Granted, I have not gone too far back in the entries and I'm already coming across stuff I don't necessarily agree with. But what the hell? They're giving her a fucking TV show.


Boy Crazy Promo from alexi wasser on Vimeo.

This looks good I don't care what you say. I want to watch it.

I'm so fucking scared to say anything on this blog that might bother anyone or might state an opinion that I can't say anything at all.
I feel the same way in writing fiction and poetry and screenplays, scared to say the absolute truth which is insane since that's the only thing I'm interested in other people's art. The specific and absolute truth. 
That's how we all end up boring and unproductive. Mostly me.

I wish I made this damn video:

boycrazy in bed from alexi wasser on Vimeo.
Classic.

I mean, not for me as I am into insisting on condoms at all times I don't care all the time. Do I look like I maintain relationships? Do I know where you've been? Do you know where I've been? Do I look like I'm not constantly looking around? Do I look like a responsible parent? Did you even ask if I'm on the pill?

I never say things like that on blog. I say things like that all day long IRL.
I think I maybe partly worry about my family reading this blog which doesn't make sense as I am frank with them in realtime. But employers/co-workers I guess. And babes.
Even though the bottom line needs to be that I don't want to be with dudes who are bothered by what I want to say on here. I'm not talking about respecting privacy, I'm just talking experiences and if you don't trust my judgment then that's an issue in itself.

Though I did think, while reading this woman's blog, "how will she find true love when she's going about it like this?"
I don't know I don't know.



My friend walked out on a guy who refused to wear a dome the other day. And he didn't back down. Insanity.

Man no wonder I don't put out that much, this whole society and set-up of dating is right messed.
Remember how Seventeen magazine definitely told us we weren't ready for sex if we couldn't talk about everything?


Lately I've been wanting to be so super straight-forward and blunt and honest with everyone. That would be so hard.

My friend told me that after a few months of hanging around with a man, he said to her that he just didn't like her enough.
This seems like it would be the hardest thing to hear but I think that hearing it after a few months would be the part that would be most hard.
I wonder if that is a valid thing to say to someone when explaining that you no longer should hang out.
I wish very much that it had been said to me in the past at certain points. Maybe it could have snapped me out of it. I've also considered saying it but haven't.


I recently saw an old top crush who I was pretty hung up on for a bit there.
He was flirting with me and hanging around and I was struggling to keep from being terrifically rude (like I am sometimes) and I very much considered saying "you just love that I like you, yeah?"

I kind of wish I had said it.
I kind of wish that he liked me like how he looks at me sometimes. 



Prune: "i only feel better about those kind of situations when i'm honest enough to stun a small animal"

and from Niki tonight "On-paper babes are like chickens before they hatch"
Which, of course, makes them easier to put into baskets.

I sort of don't believe that babes who don't read my website like me enough, I mean, if I liked someone I would read their website or at least stop by occasionally. 
And I don't believe that babes I know these days read this. Though, who knows.

(Also, jfyi, I'm dead sober right now, getting back into productivity [fingers crossed] I more-than welcome comments, especially positive ones since I'm already second-guessing this entry. especially the photos but then again, I think they're kind of lovely.)