floor-bed

Norman's out on the town and I'm not out with him, which is pretty bizarre! Although one time earlier this week we were out and he stayed in. Even stevens we are.



Speaking of-- Norman recently wrote a really remarkable blog about his long-time love of rap. Norman's blog is actually always worth the read. I'm not just saying that because our love springs eternal.
Oh, I just looked at his site just now and the newest one about his great-grandmother is just so, so lovely.


I bought clogs. I don't remember ever even thinking about wanting to buy clogs. These were very cheap. I'm into them. Weird decision, certainly.

(a ghost came and the ghost was like "heeeeyyyyyyyyyyyyy")



Comedy is hard. Do I talk about comedy enough? It still feels very foreign to me that I'm a comedy performer. A "comedian". There's only so long I'm going to be allowed to feel new about it.
I used to think I'd hate the part where I'm constantly examining why something is funny and how and so on. I don't hate it. I find it interesting. I can't imagine feeling more sure and unsure at the same time about something.


(birthmark back)


I would pay all the money I could find/borrow/steal to just buy a shitload of confidence to use at my convenience. I'd pay it no problem because I'm certain that's the only thing keeping me from doing all the things I should be doing.
Getting there, getting there.

I've always been a late bloomer, in pretty much every way. I lost my last baby tooth just before entering 9th grade. It takes me awhile to get to things, sometimes. Most times.
So it's okay that now I'm a comedian. It's okay that I'm still scared of it and nervous about it and figuring it out. It'll be okay if I finally really do stand-up at 40 (or in a week or two, whichever).
It's hard to remember that youth is just the tiniest section of my life and everything that happens enriches and adds to what I already know and can make me better.

Not having dealines isn't a good excuse not to work, Meredith.

It is strange, also, to go from being an avid comedy watcher and enjoyer and supporter to being a performer and working with people I've admired. Going from being a fan to a peer, basically. And it's hard to imagine talking them into working with me, because of course I'm just the person who goes to shows, not the person who does them. Not now, though.
Oh, I'm so jealous of the easy, sturdy confidence so many people seem to ooze. So remarkably jealous.

But also, while we're on the subject, being a "comedian" isn't making me less bratty, I'll tell you that for free. It's (embarrassingly) making me much worse about pointing out what I don't like about other people's jokes. It's making me far more annoyed with how people go about humour sometimes. It's making it impossible to think about falling in love with anyone because they would have to be the funniest but then also that probably somehow wouldn't be enough or I'd just feel furious about not being as funny.
I'm not satisfied with my own level of comedy and so I'm remarkably hard on everyone else. COOL MOVE.



I'm still revelling in loving the jokes I love, though.  Lately I've been working a lot with one of my bffs, Flash Gordon, and we frequently fall over laughing. And the jokes aren't ones I can relay, I can just guarantee that to us they are pure magic. I wouldn't know how to bottle our interactions, explain them, or write them in a screenplay, but I wish I could because it's very nice.

Anyway.
Second Cottage Friendship Retreat Weekend this weekend. Where is time going? Looks like it'll be at least 12 (!) people up there at some point and I'm just so excited because we're going up for several days and lots of people are coming at different times and mannnnn do I like socializing.


(such a young-looking one, still. I wonder if I'll become a creepy old-young faced guy soon.)

I put my bed on the floor. Sometimes you just lose patience. This was one of those times. I have bigger plans for this set-up and I need my tablecloths back from Mrs (ohh yeah, Mrs is now ACTUALLY a MRS now. so bizarre) that she used at her wedding. Mrs and Arrow's weddings was one of the most lovely, tasteful, perfect parties I've ever been to. Aaaaaand I love them.

Also, guys, I'm taking the train back to Saskatoon real soon and I'm actually ridiculously excited for that adventure, and on the train I'd really like for there to be:
a) a mystery I get to solve
b) sweet babes
c) secret booze I don't get caught with
d) fun surprises

harm reduction chair

Remember when I wasn't ever busy and only worked like 20 hours a week and my only hobbies were blogging?

Is this the longest stretch of time I've ever gone without updating this? Possibly. I'm filled with good intentions of getting back into it. FILLED TO THE BRIM.

here's a video I made a couple of months ago that's good voice work on my part. YOU'RE WELCOME.

I made it in a few hours for the Second City training centre's weekly video competition based on the word "potato".

Hey, guess what! I left the country!
Yeah yeah for the very first time ever in my life I crossed the border into the united states. Hey today is the 4th of July. That's their day.




this is me at our first rest stop after crossing the border. I was pretty excited. Goddamn that's a long drive to NYC, hey? I don't know how some people do it super fast. Speeding, I guess. We did it long.

I have a new stranger roommate coming tomorrow. The last time a stranger moved in it was Yulie, so I have high hopes.
It's too hot to clean but I need to clean so badly. It's hard with everyone coming and going, but once this roommate is officially in we can start making it like a real proper home. HOPEFULLY!


Hey look, it's Sass aka Joey aka my old Toronto bud who is currently living in NYC. In this photo she is my boyfriend and we are in the secret garden of the air b n b my team stayed at.


my good-looking improv team and I did our show at 10:45 on Sunday morning. We had a small house (some of our buds came to our show. thank you, buds!) but did a solid set. I was actually really pleased with how we did. It was nice having a low-pressure time slot and a clock that was counting down our 30 minutes. I relaxed.

It's dumb how much my nerves and lack of self confidence ruin my life. Working working wooorking on it.


I feel like I'm getting better looking these days. I would say forsure it's because of my curling wand, my interest in dressing slightly better, and possibly how I've lost quite a bit of weight (though I get defensive on that point because I don't like the idea that one's weight dictates one's level of attractiveness).
But for sure the number one thing is how I'm less nervous of everyone. I'm just more happy in my own body and brain. That's a thing that's obvious and appealing, I think.


new (old) computer that I bought for $300 because I spilled tea into my macbook pro. I kind of love this guy, so far. And he doesn't feel too fancy for me!

work tonight and then rehearsal tomorrow and then we remount THE BOOK OF MORON my Second City conservatory graduation show.
I can't believe how much I've not written about on here. Upsetting.
Anyway, I'm done conservatory now and we HIT IT OUT OF THE PARK with our grad show. I'm very pleased with what I got in the show in the end (despite some rough patches in the process for suuure).
awhile ago I wrote a list of things I wanted for myself in the show:
-scene where I am an engaged and realistic actor
-scene that showcases how dynamic and energetic I can be
-scene where I get to play a big and playful character

I get to do all that and a bunch more. And I get to support some fuuuuucking hilarious performers in their work. What a process. What a time this has been.

Anyhow, if you're around tomorrow (July 5th) at 11 p.m. come to the Second City's mainstage and judge for yourself. You might as well, really!

If you don't follow me on twitter then you're missing out. That's what I do instead of blogging. I'm a big fan of twitter.

 This weekend is the first of COTTAGE of the 2 cottage weekends Dollface and I have planned for ourselves. I am very, very excited. I feel like I've earned all of the relax time I'm going to enjoy this weekend. Hahahahahaaaa earned.

tattoo o'clock

I called my mum up today to tell her I got a tattoo because that seems like something pertinent you tell your mother about and she sort of laughed at me. How classic!

When I got my lip pierced the summer I was 16 (before I even kissed anyone, really) my mum had to come with me and she was a bit annoyed with the whole idea and she said "I made you perfect, I don't know why you have to go messing around with it".
kind of true.
But also, I got a picture of a snowflake I drew tattooed on my wrist today!


so... that's cool.
I'm pretty pleased with it!
It's nice that it's something I've thought about for awhile and something I think really suits me and is 100% particular to me.



exciting!

last night I was idly talking about getting said tattoo as I am wont to do because in the past I talked a lot about doing stuff that I never actually got around to doing. And I said to Onesie, let's go tomorrow!
And I got home and I saw my new roommate (who just arrived on Friday from Germany and who doesn't have a nickname yet because I haven't discussed it with her yet and she's super sweet) and I mentioned to her about the tattoo and she was like "I really wanted to have roommate time tomorrow" so we agreed we should all go and get me a tattoo!

I drew it this morning. I combined two of our favourites that I'd drawn in the past. I'm pretty into it. (thankgod)
and it was super lovely to be out with my two beautiful roommates doing something... I don't know. doing something I'd never done before. It was neat.




this morning Onesie made us breakfast. Have you ever tried living with a chef? A chef who is sensitive of your dietary restrictions? I'd recommend it!!



I have roommates! How crazy is that? I have roommates and a tattoo now. When people ask me what's new I have something to say.

Oh yeah, also, I got into the Second City conservatory training program and I had my first class tonight and I'm super excited! I'm getting back into improv! What a treat!
I did improv a few years ago at Bad Dog and did a couple of shows and stuff and I liked it but you have to be kind of pushy about getting what you want and I've always lacked confidence about pretty much everything (you may not believe this because I am bossy and loud and rude and a know-it-all, but it's true).
so now I'm getting back into it. with new confidence. and a desire to really get great at it.
and I'm in a class with actually talented people. Not to be an asshole here, but... working with talented people is such a treat! So fucking fun. Not having to worry about them and looking forward to seeing what they're bringing and who they'll be and the jokes that'll happen.... fucking fucking fun. Ya know?

I'm going to be so funny!

Actually, I didn't even do that good of a job tonight. I was a bit stilted and in my head and still unused to being back at it. But it was still fun! and I do feel like I have a billion potential in my insides.



Aaaaand then Onesie made me dinner.
What is with this woman?
Honestly, she seems to legitimately like me. And care about me.
How did I end up with an insta-bff for a roommate? Remember how nervous I was?
Last night Onesie told me she was really proud to be out with me. What a lovely thing to say.


chive flower on the top!
We ate the shit out of this (ever had sea asparagus? so good!) and watched Soap.
I'm not saying I'm over the super-sadness that sort of crept through me all last week, but I am saying that, yeah, my life is fucking sweet.



I've taken a gatrillion photos these past few days. but I never turn on the computer. so these are only a few. So many good ones en route though.


these last few are from the island yesterday. What a sweet little vacation spot that little oasis is.
I have several more photos. Obviously. then you'll be extra jealous.


I really, really like the plane in this one.

goodgod I'm tired. And I finally have to go to work tomorrow. After so many days off.

I'm in the market for another job, jfyi (might as well change everything at once), so if you know of anything I may like.... let me know!

this new life

I still have little interest in the internet. I'd rather be decorating, arranging, considering, planning.
Setting up house!

It's still fun around here, in case you were concerned (haaaa, anyone who's on my fb or twitter feed has no worries about my state of mind these days) (Mrs. came over last evening and she was like "you're so happy right now" yeeeeeeahhh).

Last night Onesie and I had wine/cider on my front balcony and talked about babes forever and ever and about how happy we are to be living together and it's nice in a way that she's only here for two months because I'm not too worried about getting sick of her. But it's bad because so far she's a great roommate and how are we going to replace her?

I don't have time to upload pictures because I'm considering getting started on clothes mountain.
But, look, that zombie short I'm in is online now!


Now you can watch it, Mother, since you don't love me and didn't get around to it at Christmastime.
Also, I'm not really in it much, but if you only want to see me then fast forward towards the end!

magnolias in fulllll bloom

Hi guys.
I don't have time for the internet because I am busy. Busy mostly sitting in the park with Carla Ghee all afternoon. BUT STILL.


hoooolllleeeeee god my day has been rather shitty so far.
I botched an audition to play a corpse by not being able to keep my eyelids from fluttering.
AND
I got a ticket for having Kaya off-leash in Bellwoods.

shitty, shitty buzz.



I'm feeling medium-okay,though. JUST WANT GOOD THINGS TO HAPPEN FOREVER!!!


hahahahahahahaahaa not even going to rotate it.

let's all hug forever!
jk I don't like hugs. except sometimes. from some people.
people without pants.

BYE NOW.

playing cute and not settling

I went and visited my agent last week and picked photos.
We got it down to these two:

and

We decided on number 2 in the end. But now I think I'm changing my vote back to number 1. Hmm. Weigh in!
Please? 


This one for casting workbook as well because I have a giant grin on my face and there's nothing more charming than that, no?

I find it stressful dissect what I look like.
I think for someone of medium-good-looks I think I have a healthy handle on what I look like, why it's good and why it's bad, but it's still hard to feel awkward about certain features.
Like one's weight. Ugh! What a trite subject, something that I find offensive to have to worry about.
I'm healthy, I walk everywhere, I eat alright mostly. I don't know. 
I find hanging out with my agent, knowing that he knows that I am a bit too fat for real success in film and tv, to be a bit stressful.

As a regular human, as a staunch feminist, I don't agree with it only being skinny skinny women on our screens. I don't think that 30 pounds should be the difference between character actress and lead. I'm such a nice size for being a normal human being and yet I hate my body so much of the day. And I hate myself for not working harder to tone-up or not being able to say no to beer and fries.

How upsetting!

I'm super lucky! I'm well-made and attractive, it's such a shitty buzz that I constantly feel like I'll never be good enough. It's a shitty buzz that if you are not-quite-skinny it's almost a more awkward place to be for acting than fat.

ANYWAY.
I know I've said all this before, just stressed out about it again. How fun!


Soooo serious!

srsly.


on facebook I captioned this one: "you know that awkward stage kids go through where the have to start playing at being cute because they are not actually cute anymore? yeah."
I stick by that caption.


In this one I look like someone I'd want to be friends with. ha, in case you were wondering.



Do I feel embarrassed having this for a face? Oh god, obviously!
My teeth look good here, though. That's good! I still want to get them fixed.
The other day I made a rough list of things I would purchase if I had money. It was thousands and thousands of dollars worth of things.

I would like to learn how to fix cars. I'm not sure if I'm joking about this or no.


I'm pretty fucking pale, hey?
I'm pretty into it. I could do without the constant blushing but I will not complain about my skin. I've been lucky, thusfar.


Nice colours in these photos. Arrow did a real good job, my agent was impressed. Also relieved that I finally got new photos done. Ha.


What I like a lot about these shots is that I think I look like me. I have no desire for photos where I look way better than in real life or where I look a bit put-on.
That's what Arrow and Mrs. and I talked about, too, and aimed for. That I wanted a super honest shot. I think I can have an openness about me in my performances which is my best asset, no contest.
So I need a photo that conveys that as much as possible.


THIS IS EXACTLY HOW I FEEL HALF THE TIME

THIS IS EXACTLY HOW I FEEL THE OTHER HALF OF THE TIME.

haa, but I do mean that. I feel like those faces are beyond classic in terms of honest conveyance of what I'm about.



Speaking of partying, for some godforsaken reason I ended up at Cheval (a nightclub in the nightclub district which is kind of the worst place on earth) on Saturday night pouring Grey Goose (suuuuuper awkwardly) into my mouth.
Ha! I will do anything, go anywhere for the experience. Except maybe no more clubs?
It was actually super funny, me tagging along with two of my favourite Sweet Thingers (it's funny how every member of SweetThing has been my favourite in different moments, I like that) and I turned to mwaters and said, "we're at a club!"
hahaaha.
Dayna managed to get me a ticket to hang out with her at their show on Saturday where they opened for Down With Webster at Massey Hall, so that's why we ended up at said club, for the after-party.

Haaa the door guy worked at Aunties forever before and I was so happy/surprised to see him but I think he was double-shocked to see me in his line-up. In fact I believe his words were "I never thought I'd see you here". hahahaahaa you and me both, sister.

Oh yeah and before that we hung around while Sweet Thing signed autographs for all these girls after the show and I was laughing so hard. Man, I'm the rudest, I know. But, really, I did think it was the best. So great. I want to say adorable but I know that sounds condescending.
Swag swore never to sign autographs in front of me anymore. Awwww. They love Swag like nothing else. He is pretty babely.
For some godforsaken reason mwaters has decided to wear a poncho this tour. A yellow one with no shirt on under. I don't know why. But overhearing the girls talk about it was amazing. "I just want to know why".
I just felt like I was watching myself 10 years ago hanging around waiting for Treble Charger to come out and sign my converse-released single (still own, jfyi).



We did a good job on partying at the club, stayed til the end almost. I looked for babes but I found them severely lacking, except the ones I came with of course (chortle chortle sigh).
and I had a bit of a heart-to-heart with mwaters, who has long been on my passive-crush list and is someone I think highly of but don't always know how to communicate with.
mwaters inquired as to why pretty girls are mostly awful humans. I offered that it's because they're always looking for the next best thing.
I'd say that's pretty accurate.
You get an idea of how good you are in your head and look for a date accordingly, the more inflated your sense of self becomes, the more you can't "settle", even if "settling" would maybe land you someone who you'd actually be even and well-matched with.


(haaaaa I like the juxtaposition of my face in the middle of this story)

Not just for pretty people, but for people with bits of money or fame or talent or genius, too. The fear of settling and the desire to land the ultimate best we can get makes us all into assholes.
Totally flawed logic and probably not always done on purpose, but I still think that's what's going on a lot.

If you add on my determination to find people who are a bit insane, romantic, huge-loving, then you can understand why I feel the idea of a sustainable relationship is a bit out of my league and scope of understanding at this juncture.
Although still something I aspire to be able to get to at some point?
Who knows!

In case you were wondering, I find it annoying when people express upset on my behalf of my singledom.

And I feel that I'd get less of that if I were male. Just saying. Busy sowing my wild oats over here these days guy.



Hey, also, have you found that blogs these days are getting really, really awesome? About real things and getting into actual issues? I'm very pleased with this trend. Especially when it's as well executed as it has been lately. 
Today I'm specifically looking at:
Accost and Jones' blog about their attempts at being more reg: two regular men
and
Cpt. Heh's sobriety blog (heartbreaking and necessary): sober in the city

100% more than worth a full read, both of those links.

it's true, I just love a good meme

ohhhh hiiii
I keep thinking I've updated and apparently I haven't at all. howww awwwwful.

If you think I don't want to use this as my #1 headshot, you are very wrong.



haaha same face.
That upper picture is from around the time I was finishing college so about six years ago I guess... 21? I don't look much different these days. A bit fatter-faced maybe, a bit older.
Should I cut off all my hair?

But yeah, so Arrow did my headshots for me this weekend. He's like a one-stop shop for doing stuff for me. Awww, no but really I do owe him a lot.

I'm not going to post them all in this one entry. I'll just put the best of the red-shirts? I guess so, yeah.


hahahaa I'm a serious loser. So sweet and tender.

I would like to file a serious application with someone to get a new face. A face which matches my personality.
"aw you look so young, no wonder I can never take you seriously" -MY MOTHER
man, if that's what my mother thinks... no wonder people always think I'm a child, or that I'm a sweet human, or that I'm trying to date them, or that I'm trustworthy, or that I'm not talking about them behind their backs.

Luckily in motion my face has a few more gremlin-like qualities I enjoy and feel are more fair.
haaa

You know that hipster disney character meme that is everywhere lately with the dark glasses added onto them?
Yeah, that's my life.

I REALLY ONLY LIKE DRINKING AFTER HOURS


I USED TO RIDE A FIXIE BUT NOW I'VE LOST INTEREST

HIPSTER MEMES? SO PLAYED OUT.

CHOOSE BETWEEN WES ANDERSON AND THE COHEN BROTHERS?
I COULD NEVER.


ughgughguhhh my face, man. my face! so stupid.

Let's do a couple where I look "cute". hahaaha gross.

I stand by my "serious loser" theory.


In this one I am a wife. Doesn't anyone want to marry me these days? I don't get it.

cannot take my face seriously.


Okay, almost decent.

Mrs. was helping out (thank you both verrry much) and she kept making me crack up so bad. but in a good way. I like Mrs. and Arrow a lot both are funny and both are my friends and they are a couple. weird to find that sometimes. Lucky me.

I still have more photos for you later, or you can click through to see them in my flickr stream.

God, I am so tired. Luckily it's snowing/raining and I don't have anything I really have to do tonight... except apply for jobs.
Why don't you give me a job, yeah?

Look how fun and pretentious I am!