give me more christmas forever

yeah yeah yeah I forsure opened up my writing files which means (of course) I have to come over to blogger instead because all of a sudden I just need to update this junk. classsssssic.


I have never in my life seen a full-grown, adult cat look/act/sound more like a teenage kitten than Adventure Cat. Suchhh a nice kitten! Such a soft and funny kitten. Such a pest and pain and a whiner.


My mum was at McNally Robinson today and she was in the washroom and a little kid came in and announced "I'm going to make a really stinky one!!"

that is forsure the kind of kid I'd like and will have sometime.

Oh, yeah, guys, by the way, I'm 28 now. Do you think that makes me the new boss of late 20s? Probably, hey?

Do you guys want to marry me yet, or no?






I don't know why I'm posting some Christmas pictures but not all the Christmas pictures. I guess it's because I do what I like when I like to do it. We had a few gifts. Luckily. The picture of taste? I'd say so!


Am I envious of my cousin's house and her handyman husband? Fuck you.



Hmmmmmm.
I was thinking yesterday while dealing with more sellllllfish bullllshit that ever since making a concerted effort to try to not hurt people's feelings and to not get involved with people who like me too much just for the attention (hahaaaaha UGH you know what I mean, though?) I am dealing with a massive string of the most SELFISH, SELF-CENTERED, SELF-INVOLVED humans.
(as a quick clarification: I do not particularly mean any current situation or activity)

How do people make it to their late 20s and even mid 30s as such bratty, whiny, deservist little wimps??
Selfishness I think is a pretty intense problem in the circles I run in-- these generations are spoiled, coddled gens who think we're entitled to the world and shouldn't have to settle for anything less.
But I feel like there should be limits!

Also, I put up with shit from romantic interests I would never dream of dealing with from pals.
What kind of sick barfbag am I?
Haaaaaaa
I'm being over-dramatic on this point to try to keep myself in check about all of this. Man up, Meredactyl, so much of this is unacceptable.

I think, and this comes as a shock to me most of all, that I've become too nice. I'm confusing my desire to be always kind with being too understanding, too passive, too care-taking.
I stop realizing how everything is on their terms. I stop realizing that if what they're offering is not enough I don't have to take it. This seems obvious, and yet.
And I want very much to be a good friend and a kind friend and an easy-going friend, it's just that that set of skills doesn't work if people are just selfish and that's just how they are.

hhmmm hmm hm.
just considering things.


photos from Christmas morning! I'm sad my baby bro wasn't there (he was in BC with his gf and her fam and gets back tomorrow to celebrate a bit with us) but it did mean that we all (mum, me, aunt) fit on my mum's bed for stockings which was cozy and nic.



on a more serious note,
CAN YOU BUY ME A NEW COMPUTER?
it doesn't even have to be a new computer it could be a used computer forsure.

REASONS WHY I NEED A NEW COMPUTER:

a) I'd like to be able to have more than one application open at once (haaa just kidding, I have Celtx open right now too but photoshop is just not a thing that works on this machine anymore)

b) Imagine if I could make movies on my computer? you could watch them then!

c) I could go back to being a photographer (there's kind of no point right now since I really can't deal with big file photos on this machine)

d) I could watch all my stories better. Fine, maybe this one isn't really for encouraging, but I would waste a lot less time trying to get it to stream

e) the powercord is fraying at the plug-in and it will probably set on fire soon and burn us all down.  :( :( :(

f) babes will think I'm cooler

g) I could then video-talk with you in our respective houses and I would probably take my top off (hahaaa just kidding I always wear shirts)

h) I could go back to making sweet beats for my rap career

i) I keep burning my legs

j) I don't have a dad

k) I'll swear around less, cursing this old technology

l) I can do more work, like a real good worker kind of a guy





If you can't afford to buy me a new computer but do understand how to make computers work better I will accept your offer to come over and help me clear out my computer and de-clutter it and make it run fast and strong again.
(with the warning that it is a powerbook that I bought for $300 about 3 years ago at least)

THANKYOUUU





this is where I am right now:

cuddled up and pretending to be a good worker but instead I'll waste forever and ever on bloggggg! Oh, whoops, on facebook, too!!!
Whatever, guys, I have a hard time explianing these days to people who don't blog or don't read blogs, but this thing has helped me so much. Not only a writer but also in terms of comedy-- a place to write whatever and get feedback and make buds and have people think I'm mildly funny at least occasionally.
Also, I love reading people's blogs. I 100% do. So hopefully if you read this it's because you like it and not just to get mad about (I've had to stop myself from reading a couple of blogs like that forsure forsure).

I feel bad because I should have gone out and socialized this evening but I just couldn't get around to it. I mean, I did see three of my favourite people already today but I should have done more. Always should do more. But it's my vacation too and sometimes you just want to curl up with a good book or a good computer for awhile. And enjoy the fuck out of it.

rerun, rerunt, rerun the baby, the fanciest cat

So this little baby kitty died yesterday.
I use the term "baby" lightly as he was 14 and half I think?
Rerun was born when I was in grade 8, he and his twin sister, Cactus were both breech and I had to pull them out of their mama cat. Gross!
The mama cat was such a sweet little one who then disappeared when they were a week old and so we bottle-fed Rerun and Cactus and I insisted on keeping both of them. Obviously. Classic Meredith.



oh man oh man oh man. Guys.
I felt bad because we were having impromptu taco night at our place last night and we had lots of people over and I started hysterically crying. Cool moves.
I also kicked out my friend so I could hysterically cry for awhile before trekking to the bar for Hallowe'en. Still having some issues with water coming out of my face but getting it under control.

I went as a fancy lumberjack to the bar last night, I threw together a costume real quick with the puffiest face ever. It was pretty jokes.
I yelled at several people for not liking my costume and told people I was sad a lot. Winning moves, I got.
I flirted with this guy who had whiskers drawn on but he wasn't dressed like a cat he was dressed like a bunny. a playboy bunny apparently but he was wearing far too many clothes for that.

Ughh. ugh. 
Rerun was honestly the best cat. He was so sweet and calm-natured. And the only cat that got along alright with all of the other three (who want nothing to do with each other). Also the best because he was affectionate without being toooo sucky.
He's definitely my mum's favourite, too. Which is heart-breaking because now who is going to sit on her arm while she tries to write?


rerun and cactus are twins.


obviously.

The funniest to me was that he hated being walked by and would sit in the middle of the road and yowl at you when you walked past and then swipe and your legs. Ha! So dumb!

Also, my baby cousin called him the "fancy cat". I have no idea why! Probably because he was ginger? Adorable, though.



this is the last picture I took of him, I guess.

I knew when I saw him in August that he was not doing too well as he was very skinny and sickly.

Oh, sigh, guys. Oh sigh.

Rerun was totally my favourite. You know how you can't choose favourites with your children? You can with cats. And Rerun and Adventure Cat are my favourites.

I'm going to miss that little huge baby guy so much.

I mean, Christmas is coming. Which is amazing. And I can officially get the fuck into the holiday spirit and go to town on gearing up for the holidays.
So I feel completely bananas today. Coupled with some other drama shit in my life which is ups and downs and then I just feel so..... too much. Too much today.

Plus I still need a job like WHOA. really, really whoa.
fuck.

elevators and churches

I go back to Toronto on Tuesday first thing in the early early morning.
That means I have the rest of today and all of tomorrow to do things. Like always, there is too much to do and too little time. Though it's especially bad this year because of the shortened length of my trip.
I'm always on the verge of crying. I'm homesick looking around me.



People are always surprised when they find out I've never been out of Canada and I don't own a passport. I can't seriously consider traveling when wherever I am I am homesick. I'm homesick for Toronto right now, and the moment I go back I will feel ill with missing Saskatoon.
I'm lucky to love things like this, I think. But still.



I've spent more time looking at churches this weekend then I ever have before. Do you think if I made a calendar of Saskatchewan prairie churches I could sell it? I regret not bringing my DSLR or even a film SLR with me this trip.
I want to be taking more photos. Better photos.



I have to calm down this fall. I have to cool it. It will be the perfect time and opportunity for me to take better care of myself, both physically, emotionally, creatively, and work-wise.
Remind me to remind my Ossington Dreamhome that we are a dreamhome not a party-all-the-time-home.

This afternoon I'm having coffee with my one of my favourite people since kindergarten. We have almost nothing in common anymore but I love her so much.
I just love who I love so much and that's just what I'm like.

dance like no cameras are watching

For some reason Vevo won't let me embed a video here, but I can on Facebook? That's dumb. Anyhow, this:
is the new Arkells music video for Kiss Cam
which features me and Onesie dancing rather sweetly (compared to our normal obnoxious moves!) near the end. We look darling, actually.
You're welcome Arkell buds for the use of our image. Had no idea it was being filmed (may or may not have been right wrecked)!
Luckily I actually really like Arkells, though (spoiler!) I'm 99% certain it wasn't actually that song I was dancing to.



I went to Boston Pizza with Killary tonight for one of our typical Valentines dates. Did you know they have gluten-free crusts there?! And it looked to be the same prize as reg. Nice nice!
I had one and it was not-bad. It wasn't the best pizza crust I've ever eaten but it was totally fine. 

Also they told us that "Paralyzer" cocktails were on special. I have never, ever heard anyone in Ontario ever mention a paralyzer. Is it just a Sask thing? They are popular here for sure, I remember hearing about them when I lived here. I don't think I had ever tried one before so I had to order one.
Here is what happened:



Actually, it wasn't as bad as my face makes it out to be. Only mostly terrible!
Totally worth it for the cultural experience. Obviously.

I feel like I got nothing done today! Maybe because I didn't drive out of town?
I went to a scrapbooking store, I visited Killary's baby, had coffee with a lovely friend, ran into a couple of people I know, had dinner with Killary and even read a bit of my book. Aaaand I'm supposed to go out with Consti later........

I had a bad stress headache this afternoon, so much to see and do in this town and it's making me so sad to think about leaving so soon!



ughgughhhh does anyone want to pay for me to live in both places at once?

"gargoyles eat ghosts and I want one for a pet"

prairie prairie prairie prairie


just hanging out with my family all day long on the prairies. yesterday was pretty much the most perfect day ever to be out on the plains.











uh oh my aunt is here to pick us up to go to Michael's and then go to a movie and I forgot to get dressed. whoops!














I may or may not want to get married in this church. Is that allowed if I am not Catholic? Probably not, hey?
What if it's abandoned? can I just show up and get married in it?
Ha! Imagine me getting married?!
I can't.




hahaaa my aunt just said "I'm going to boot you soon" guess I've over-stayed my welcome already! what a smart mouth I have.

I was trying to be funny for my baby cousin (who is almost 4) yesterday and she looked at me quite seriously and said "if you're trying to be funny, you should just tell me..."
also, earlier I was giving her a "monster-back-ride" in the lake, which is where you have a child ride on your back while pretending to be a monster and jump around in the water and she said "can you please stop making those noises? You are really annoying me"
hahahaahhaahaaa burned several times by a tiny child!






this is my sweet ride while I'm home. Nicey nicey.
Also, I walked home from the bar last night because I'm tired of not walking because I live in a somewhat dangerous neighbourhood but it was only like a 15 minute walk and I would never in real life take a cab for a 15 minute walk. Uh uh. Anyway, it was fine but a bit nervous-making.

please break this spell you have me under. every heart is a lonesome hunter

I used to go into relationships with guns blazing.
All-out, all-in, open-armed, open-hearted, confident in the possibility that this could be wonderful.



This is mostly why the two-weekers that I was so good at in the past. Or even the couple of intense month-long involvements. Not because I was bad at caring about people, but because I was too good at it -- for a brief moment.

I took the interest that I had in potential dreamboats very seriously and would give in to my inclination to give any slightly-possible situation a chance. I was open to involvements with people that were so obviously unsuited to me, and I was ready to throw myself into being with someone all-the-time and forever, I fully believed in the possibility of love.

I would spend hours with them, I would tell them anything, I would try my hardest to know everything about them, I would do anything for them, take them anywhere, make the biggest plans, make cookies, write poems, trace lines on the palms of their hands, hold on to their hipbones, adore the pimples on their necks, imagine our lives together.

I would fall in love with them, all at once, given any opportunity.




The shitty thing about two-weekers is that when it didn't work (ever) out I looked like a liar or felt like they were a liar.
Was I a liar? Probably. Not on purpose, not by choice. But I would lie to myself to further the situation, to go on pretending that this could be the big love I'd been looking for. I used to be much better at ignoring obvious problems or conflicts.

And they were liars only in the same way, yes.




These days what would have been two-weekers are now either situations I know to avoid or they are much briefer of involvements, with a thousand times less intensity. With no intensity, no actual possibility. There are still fun elements, but it's much less of an experience than I have been used to.
I would never give in to it as much. 



Things lately with men are different. I'm not sure why. Probably because of realizing I could still have small crushes on people I know I am ill-suited to. And that making out with people you are ill-suited to is still fun.
Though much less exciting. Romantically exciting, I mean. 

And probably because I'm not sure I'm looking for a relationship. Mostly because maybe I don't believe in them for me. And why would I?



I don't know, I mean, I also used to hold candles.
I still have people who I hold in my mind as people I could have loved at some point. But I don't have loose ends the way I've had in the past. I don't have people who I think I will someday marry. There is no one I know who I believe I could still fall in love with.

I have kept a list in an old notebook which is titled:
"people I still secretly think I'm in love with sometimes"
an impressive list, actually, and with some of the best men I've ever met on it, obviously. And with some really terrible men on it, of course.
But these days there's no one I'm still holding a candle for. All the names are crossed off.




I think my close friends are somewhat confused and annoyed at the huge crushes I get on people who are obviously not quite interested in me.  Maybe minorly interested, at least in keeping me around a bit, those work the best.
The problem is, I feel too uncomfortable without a good, big #1 crush.

If I have a #1 crush who I don't know well enough to dislike, who is handsome and (especially) talented, and hopefully funny, and who is not around much, and who maybe could possibly at some point fall in love with me like I think he should, then the other things matter less. Minor crushes are minor, being alone is not lonely. A make-out that was annoying really doesn't matter. 
Can I live on crushes? If you think not, then you've never met me. And I'm not actually that sure it's that unhealthy.



When I fall asleep at night I like to think about crushes. I find it reassuring and pleasant to imagine our future interactions and words we might say.
Having no crushes is a bit lonely, I think, not having at least one person in this world that you could see wanting to be with? Slightly upsetting.
That's why I like to have a good, solid fall-back crush. In an odd way, it really has nothing to do with them.
It's the hope and optimism behind it.



I don't know that I believe anymore that I'll ever fall in love. Or maybe just not in the next few years.
Which is not the worst since I think being alone is pretty alright lately. And is just as valid as being half of a couple. And it's nice since I'm very good at lust and crushes and meeting babes, even if they aren't men I'm falling in love with.

Part of it is maybe that I'm not the person I want to be yet.
All just things I'm thinking about. None of this is definitive and I change my mind every few minutes. We all know this.




(these photos are from Saskatoon this August, I am still homesick lately, and trying to get into posting stuff I haven't yet, but still like.)
(also, I'm streaming the new Timber Timbre album here: music.aol.com/new-releases-full-cds/spinner#/11. Gorgeous.)