hot air

 My lovely family arranged to get my mum a hot air balloon ride for her birthday. We were all supposed to be there when it went up in late August but that day the flight got cancelled. She rebooked and got to go up yesterday. That top photo is my very favourite. I love, love, love, love the bit of the basket in the frame.

 I stole all these photos from my mother's facebook. Thanks, facebook!

 Now I want to go up in one. My goodness, Saskatoon is pretty.

 Almost done at the theatre today, and then working two plays tomorrow and then I have Monday off! A whole day off! I'm going to have a massive nap when I go home soon here. And I'm going to like it. Then I will go to a house party and if there aren't babes there I will pitch a fit and win the hearts of millions. Oh man, I don't know. My eyes are broken I'm so tired.

I've been thinking a lot about writing. I've been hanging out full time with nic and she's a good influence about working because she's ambitious and takes herself seriously and takes me seriously and thinks I'm a genius too. So yeah, that's nice. We have BIG IDEAS so get ready for that.

This is basically the cutest picture I've ever seen, it's my mother on the right and my aunt on the right. Cute cute cute!

I'm very interested in my mum writing guest posts for this blog. Like bits from her life or whatever she'd like really but she is resisting my good idea. She says, "why wouldn't I just have my own blog?" but of course she isn't going to get around to it. And I know that she's a shy kind of a lady but I also know for a fact that she's a good writer and very funny and I feel like she owes me her memories (haa she will 100% disagree with me here and say that I'm being selfish which I am. I mean, of course.).
Also you don't have to be shy about writing little things that happened to you a hundred years ago that aren't terribly private or anything.

Also, I would like to point out the obvious here and tell you, if you're a shy kind of a lady you made a big mistake by having me for a kid.
I used to embarrass the hell out of her in line at the grocery store telling every cashier my entire life story (and hers along with it). I'm sure she regrets every single day that she ever told me I was born of donor insemination. Aw, I like my mum a lot.

give me more christmas forever

yeah yeah yeah I forsure opened up my writing files which means (of course) I have to come over to blogger instead because all of a sudden I just need to update this junk. classsssssic.


I have never in my life seen a full-grown, adult cat look/act/sound more like a teenage kitten than Adventure Cat. Suchhh a nice kitten! Such a soft and funny kitten. Such a pest and pain and a whiner.


My mum was at McNally Robinson today and she was in the washroom and a little kid came in and announced "I'm going to make a really stinky one!!"

that is forsure the kind of kid I'd like and will have sometime.

Oh, yeah, guys, by the way, I'm 28 now. Do you think that makes me the new boss of late 20s? Probably, hey?

Do you guys want to marry me yet, or no?






I don't know why I'm posting some Christmas pictures but not all the Christmas pictures. I guess it's because I do what I like when I like to do it. We had a few gifts. Luckily. The picture of taste? I'd say so!


Am I envious of my cousin's house and her handyman husband? Fuck you.



Hmmmmmm.
I was thinking yesterday while dealing with more sellllllfish bullllshit that ever since making a concerted effort to try to not hurt people's feelings and to not get involved with people who like me too much just for the attention (hahaaaaha UGH you know what I mean, though?) I am dealing with a massive string of the most SELFISH, SELF-CENTERED, SELF-INVOLVED humans.
(as a quick clarification: I do not particularly mean any current situation or activity)

How do people make it to their late 20s and even mid 30s as such bratty, whiny, deservist little wimps??
Selfishness I think is a pretty intense problem in the circles I run in-- these generations are spoiled, coddled gens who think we're entitled to the world and shouldn't have to settle for anything less.
But I feel like there should be limits!

Also, I put up with shit from romantic interests I would never dream of dealing with from pals.
What kind of sick barfbag am I?
Haaaaaaa
I'm being over-dramatic on this point to try to keep myself in check about all of this. Man up, Meredactyl, so much of this is unacceptable.

I think, and this comes as a shock to me most of all, that I've become too nice. I'm confusing my desire to be always kind with being too understanding, too passive, too care-taking.
I stop realizing how everything is on their terms. I stop realizing that if what they're offering is not enough I don't have to take it. This seems obvious, and yet.
And I want very much to be a good friend and a kind friend and an easy-going friend, it's just that that set of skills doesn't work if people are just selfish and that's just how they are.

hhmmm hmm hm.
just considering things.


photos from Christmas morning! I'm sad my baby bro wasn't there (he was in BC with his gf and her fam and gets back tomorrow to celebrate a bit with us) but it did mean that we all (mum, me, aunt) fit on my mum's bed for stockings which was cozy and nic.



on a more serious note,
CAN YOU BUY ME A NEW COMPUTER?
it doesn't even have to be a new computer it could be a used computer forsure.

REASONS WHY I NEED A NEW COMPUTER:

a) I'd like to be able to have more than one application open at once (haaa just kidding, I have Celtx open right now too but photoshop is just not a thing that works on this machine anymore)

b) Imagine if I could make movies on my computer? you could watch them then!

c) I could go back to being a photographer (there's kind of no point right now since I really can't deal with big file photos on this machine)

d) I could watch all my stories better. Fine, maybe this one isn't really for encouraging, but I would waste a lot less time trying to get it to stream

e) the powercord is fraying at the plug-in and it will probably set on fire soon and burn us all down.  :( :( :(

f) babes will think I'm cooler

g) I could then video-talk with you in our respective houses and I would probably take my top off (hahaaa just kidding I always wear shirts)

h) I could go back to making sweet beats for my rap career

i) I keep burning my legs

j) I don't have a dad

k) I'll swear around less, cursing this old technology

l) I can do more work, like a real good worker kind of a guy





If you can't afford to buy me a new computer but do understand how to make computers work better I will accept your offer to come over and help me clear out my computer and de-clutter it and make it run fast and strong again.
(with the warning that it is a powerbook that I bought for $300 about 3 years ago at least)

THANKYOUUU





this is where I am right now:

cuddled up and pretending to be a good worker but instead I'll waste forever and ever on bloggggg! Oh, whoops, on facebook, too!!!
Whatever, guys, I have a hard time explianing these days to people who don't blog or don't read blogs, but this thing has helped me so much. Not only a writer but also in terms of comedy-- a place to write whatever and get feedback and make buds and have people think I'm mildly funny at least occasionally.
Also, I love reading people's blogs. I 100% do. So hopefully if you read this it's because you like it and not just to get mad about (I've had to stop myself from reading a couple of blogs like that forsure forsure).

I feel bad because I should have gone out and socialized this evening but I just couldn't get around to it. I mean, I did see three of my favourite people already today but I should have done more. Always should do more. But it's my vacation too and sometimes you just want to curl up with a good book or a good computer for awhile. And enjoy the fuck out of it.

how things are now

aw, I'm going to make someone a very good mum someday...

OOOOHHHHHH HIIIIIIIII

I'm interspersing cottage photos mostly I guess here. Just from my instagram feed.

view from our cottage bedroom window, it was gray and lovely out

My phone broke and I lost a whole lot of photos from the last few months. Turned out the last time I backed up my phone was in December. Yike.  Luckily other people took photos this past weekend and I will post them soon, I hope.
It was a super great and successful weekend, and a good dozen of us were able to make it up to the cottage over the 4 days, which is pretty amazing, really.

The shitty thing about being poor is that I have a super old computer which is not compatible with my iphone. cooooooool.  Please buy me things?
I have a job interview next week. that's good.

I still am super-pleased that the Apple store replaced my phone, don't get me wrong. I feel grateful.

henna drawing on my foot done by cheespie

Things are maybe, finally thinking about calming down around here. I know I keep saying that, but maybe this time I'm right. Like, for instance, we haven't had people over until 3 in the morning every night this week. And I only had two drinks each night for the past few nights. That is totally acceptable.  And my roommates are mellowing out a bit too, I think. Except Firehorse who does not seem to ever need any alone time, ever.
Last night I was sitting on the papasan chair and drinking a bud light lime (which then my throat and neck kind of felt thick and I got bloated, and I'm very smart for still having gluten sometimes, but MAN, sometimes you just want a beer, you know?? yes, I realize that a BLL doesn't count as a beer but cut me some slack here for one minute) and anyway, Firehorse was leaving and he said "are you really, really just going to stay in right now??"
Haa, obviously! Staying home is amazing!

Except I did go out. And I went to visit a babe who is on the roster (hahahaaaa roster, also I don't really have that much of a roster, also this babe has no patience for blogs so I can write what I like, mostly).
I went over to said babe's house and he was just watching tv and I didn't feel like just watching tv and not doing anything at all but flipping through channels. Especially if you're not going to let me watch reruns of Home Improvement.
I have no patience for this sort of thing!

(one time I was at a babe's house and he wanted to watch the rotisserie chicken channel. I'd rather die, thanks.)

dockdockdock, hammock

Do not invite me over to watch tv with you. I have things to do! All I want is a little bit of romance or excitement in my life. Preferably both.
You want to watch tv?
Then make it good. And indicate that that's your plan for the eve.
a) pick one tv show/movie -- a good one that I am also interested in, for instance
b) get me some snacks (do not get snacks for yourself and not give me any)
c) cuddle me up
d) make good jokes

cuddled up around the candles in the screened-in den

I'm working all weekend! Which is a bit thank god because I need some money like whoaaa.
And also I'm drinking less and partying less so maybe working all weekend will help. Dollface is going up to the cottage without me. BRUTAL.
hahaaaa white whine.

Life's great. It sucks that my blog is sucking because of it. September is soon, then winter, then probably I will have much more time for sitting down and writing it all out...

I ate Saturday

Does my face look a bit tan? Kind of, hey?
It's mostly just red all the time because that's how it is. Natural! But I've been out in the sun way more now that I take the dog out in the daytime. It's nice. I have been remembering my 45 spf sunscreen but maybe I will need to bump it up even more. Or get a hat. Yeeeaaahhhat.


Big game tonight for the Canucks.... If we win this one then we're in the final two.
See what I did there? I made like I was a Canuck. Which is weird since I've never even played hockey.
I downloaded the Canuck app for my phone.
So dumb!
I'm excited that I don't have to work tonight so that I can get prime real estate at the bar with Norman and Carla Ghee and we can get super intense and oooo and ahhh all we want.
Yeah huh.
I have to find some Canucks colours to wear!

I went to see Bridesmaids last night with a bunch of nice ladies.

Honestly,  it's fine to watch the trailers for this movie because so much of the stuff in the trailers isn't in the movie!
I hate knowing anything about films before I watch them because I don't like expectations, but also I like watching trailers. Weird conflict of desires I have. It's best if I can see a trailer far enough in advance that I forget everything that happens in it!

I really loved this movie!
It's a specific type of humour I guess, and I can see why people wouldn't love it like I did... but... I generally think that Kristen Wiig is a bit of a genius so I was obviously on her team from the get-go.

Also, I think they really nailed the relationships between the women. Sometimes you're friends by convenience and sometimes you're still friends even when maybe it doesn't make sense anymore.
And sometimes it's worth it to keep fighting for a friend who actually fully gets you. 
In it Kristen Wiig's character feels a bit left behind when her bff's life gets perfect and her life is falling apart.
I definitely know about that a bit. Both Violet and Dollface are working on Bay street these days and I just drink every night. Not that my life isn't the funnest, but I don't own any suits, and will almost certainly never belong to any country clubs... it's easy to let yourself feel awkward about not being the successful one, even in a friendship.
I have a pretty good handle on not getting worried about those kinds of things. And I'm a pretty big deservist who feels entitled to all the good things in life without ever wanting to work for them, so at least I never feel like I'm less-than Violet and all her law friends, and Dollface and all her financial peeps.
Mostly.

Although, I do find it mystifying that people can figure out how to have relationships with others, how to move in, how to get married, how to have babies.....
We all know it's the babies I'm after, but all that before stuff? How does anyone even do that!?
Do not comprehend! Cannot fathom!



Anyway, I recommend this movie. And I will say that I think that Melissa McCarthy who played "Megan" really stole quite a few scenes and was just really genius in a way that I never would have expected knowing her only from Gilmore Girls..

I'm pleased as well that there are virtually no male characters. Not that I think we necessarily need to go swinging the entire opposite way but I am fucking tired of seeing all men all the time only interacting with men and even every supporting character is a man. Boring!
Women! All women all the time!

Apparently this is the first feature that Kristen Wiig and Annie Mumolo wrote? I want to know how much mentoring they got on this? It's pretty well structured. And funny!
I'm betting lots of improving (which I am all for) and letting people run with things.
Goddamn this is the type of movie I want to work on.



When I got home last night I worked a bit on a project I've had in the beginning stages forever.
The character I'd been working on for myself wasn't funny at all, I realized. I'm not sure how that happened.
I think I was think if it were a romantic comedy the protagonist had to be appealing and sweet, and wouldn't be allowed to be super funny.
changed that now. Writing her way more funny and obnoxious now (hopefully).

It's becoming clearer that I could benefit from sort of screen-writing workshop. I always assume I can do anything if I would only get around to it.
I need help on structure, though. And I need help keeping things going.



My ears aren't particularly small. I was full-term. Is that why? When I was a baby the light shone through them. Maybe it still does a little bit.
You'd  think I'd wash or brush my hair before taking several pictures of myself but you would be wrong wrong wrong.




All floral-prints all the time this summer, yeah?


I bet I'll be blogging a lot more this week as I fully procrastinate having to back up my entire life....
I'm having a bad stress day about having to leave this home. It'll be fine. Everything will all be fine. I get along with everyone and am very easy-going. (or will be... maybe sometime...)


cool I have a pimple that looks like a bindi. Beat that.

sick days are almost like treats

today I helped out on Arrow and Mrs.'s short film for a bit, as expected, and then I was so tired and ill-feeling (sigh) that I came home and watched movies and napped. the bright side is that I had nothing I had to do. and it's kind of a treat to be feeling sad and ill when you have the time and space to do it.
is it weird that sick days are almost one of my favourite things?

I watched Love and Other Drugs first before my nap. I used to quite like Anne Hathaway in some things but more and more lately I find her rather insufferable. she isn't vulnerable or open (which this role needed so badly), she's rather smug and over-confident.
I did want to like this movie because I was in the mood for something easy and plus it was directed by Ed Zwick, who is one of the executive producers of My So-Called Life, and therefore has almost won my affections forever.
I didn't like it, though. It's obvious and pointless and sets up ideals for relationships that are ridiculous. It's terribly clichéd and not even particularly visually appealing. It's fine. it was a fine movie, I guess.
Though, bear in mind that I like most things and I didn't really like this. 

Actually, I think I liked that movie better before my nap and especially before I watched Never Let Me Go.
I'm not sure that Never Let Me Go is as good as I'm thinking it is or if it was just too perfect for my mood this evening.
I'm pretty sure it's great. I'm jealous of Carey Mulligan, not just because of how I do think she's really wonderful but also because of the roles she gets. I need these roles. If I were 20% prettier and 40% more trained and got these roles I feel like I could be almost as good.
Should I go back to school? Ha, like I could ever afford it. It's nights like these, though, where I feel that familiar desperate need to be a successful/famous actor (it's like grade 8 again, when I would wake my mum up at 1 in the morning to cry to her in desperation of all I wanted to do. How heartbreaking that I'm not trying in the ways that I should be anymore. when it's been so close and is still so possible.).
The performances in this movie were so engaging and honest, Andrew Garfield and Keira Knightley, as well.. so solid and strong. Ah, man, I wish I wish.
By which I mean, I'll work and work.
Right?

I did some screen-grabs because I found it so visually pleasing. 
I want to live there. Not kidding. Or in the boarding school also featured in this movie. I want to move to England. I want to travel the world. So restless these days. someone sponsor me. Someone send me to theatre school in England.

 Carey Mulligan, I hope you are as lovely in real life as you seem on screen because I dream of being buds with you some day except I also couldn't handle how jealous I'd be I don't think.  Hopefully you're nice though.

 Obviously this makes me homesick for Saskatchewan and the close-ups of the barbwire fence of course of course. But it's very beautiful no matter how you look at it.

 this screen-grab doesn't do this scene justice, but you can kind of get an idea. great cinematography is kind of the best. two hours of beautiful pictures.

I love love the stain glass windows on these doors. Just perfect.
The costumes, too in this movie were so specific and the colours and it all just fit together for me.
Also, it's a heart-breaking little film.
Just what I was in the mood for.

I was going to post the trailer, too. But I hate trailers, and having just viewed this one I think it gives way too much away. So, I suppose, you could just watch that instead of seeing the actual movie. But probably watch the movie instead.

I'll just write my own part, okay. Never mind, I'll get around to it soon here. Don't worry.

Is it strange that serious acting and comedy seem very separate to me these days? I've been thinking lately about making a sketch show (it's been in my mind for quite some time, but I'm starting to organize ideas again), I'm writing a mockumentary based on my life and obsessive tendencies towards babes, and I ruined a take today by being too funny (haaaa more just ridiculous), but that seems to have little to do with getting into the serious, huge, intensive roles I dream of.
I dream of it all. If I dream of it all that means I don't have to take any of it seriously.
I think sometimes of "devoting myself to comedy" (as Ruckus hilariously put it recently) but sometimes I find comedians wearing and too-much. And comedians have tendencies towards self-destruction, depression, and drinking.
Sometimes I don't like the over-the-top nature of comedians, I don't like examining everything all the time for what is funny and what is not funny and why so.
and I do think it's easier for men to do both. women have a hard time being allowed to switch between true comedy and drama.

Or this is all just excuses why not to try for anything. Story of my life.

But, hey, congratulations to me for not going out tonight, I did want to see everyone after the shoot (basically you make movies in order to go for beers afterward, right?) but I am also sick and whiny and need alone time like whoa. 

Maybe I'll stay in for the next little bit, recoup lost time from the binge of party-time I've been having these past couple weeks. We'll see, we'll see.

I feel old, incapable, strong, and strangely hopeful tonight. Not the worst mix, actually.

Plus one glass of white wine, swiss cheese, and some dark chocolate with raspberries. It'll do.

The MRI goes 24/7 and when we get to the hospital at night, everything is so quiet. Except the baby who is crying and crying when we check in at emerg. The baby's parents must be younger than us, they both look nervous. I wonder how many babies I'd have by now if I'd never left my small city.

Your town is completely unfamiliar to me, how funny that it's always been home to you. We have opposite eyes on the place.
I'm not one to feel strange in hospitals, I don't mind the smell, I don't mind the sterile look and feel - that's just how it is. But this emptiness at night is unnerving. I'm really glad to have come with you. I wonder if you feel better having me here.
I get the impression that you don't care either way, but I've never been able to read you properly.

I don't like being in hospitals alone, it seems like basically the loneliest. But waiting for you in the small room outside the magnets and machines is not lonely. Because I'm not here for me, I'm just busy being your sidekick, it's rare I get a real chance to be there for you.
I'm relieved when it's done though, I'm relieved we get back to your parents' place and hide out in the room I'm staying in, laughing and making fun of each other.

Yeah, I did love you, you know. Even if I never knew how to go about it properly.

then my mum got a leech on her toe

In 1993, on the beach at Lac Eau Clair, my uncle digs out pits in the sand for me and my cousins to lay our towels in. We feel luxurious in these personalized beach chairs.  My cousins are all girls and are all older than me, and when we wade into the salty water slowly we agree not to splash each other or push each other over. The water is never close to warm, we go in a bit, come back out, try it again, bobbing deeper trying to get accustomed to the numbing cold. My uncle runs at top speed (jean shorts instead of swim trunks) straight in and as soon as possible he dives all the way under. I wonder if his SPF 8 sunscreen does anything at all. He has the reddest neck, which seems more than fitting, and his face is so similar to my mother's (don't tell her that).
I try to refuse sunscreen altogether because I think maybe this year I'll finally get a tan (it's not).
When we come, shivering, out of the lake, we wrap up in at least two towels, covering everything, even our eyes and let the sun heat us through the layers. I use my mother's lypsyl and get sand in the lid.

I wish I learned when I was small how much easier it is to just run right in, fully immerse instead of edging my way into the cold.