homesick all the time no matter where I am

Saskatoon gets harder to navigate the longer you're away.

These days I feel like I'm made of awkward, like I don't know how to make the small talk necessary to get to the big talk.
Wouldn't even know how to start.

There's people that have sort of faded out from my life and I'm not sure who's fault that is (at all). I'm losing interest in being the friend initiator while I'm in town. Too much work. I'm bad at dialing numbers and writing emails.

Usually I'm good at friending. I'll push people who aren't even that sure of me into being my bff. Which is fine and great and a skill I've honed to serve me and that I'm pleased with. But there's only so many years of distance that it can stretch through.
My fault for moving away.



Frequently I wonder who I'd be if I had stayed in Saskatoon.
I can almost guarantee I wouldn't be as strong or as self-confident.
I love Saskatoon so ridiculous much and I love the people here but there's something about it like you agree to be a certain way, like you agreed to have a certain personality (I think that's a My So-Called Life quote) and you're not allowed to grow out of it.
Not that I'm some great comedian, but it never occurred to me until college (second year) that I was funny, that I was able to do improv or sketch. In Saskatoon I left that up to the boys I was friends with. God knows why.
I'm not sure of how I would have found the confidence to really pursue arts and writing and especially acting in Saskatoon. It's like I needed a blank slate to assert myself on.

I think for sure I'd have been in a long-term relationship by now if I'd stayed in Saskatoon.
Can't really date around in Saskatoon. There's only so many babes. Although every time I come home I still love home-babes.
Is it just me or do Saskatoon folk seem more well-rounded? More solid or three-dimensional? Complete?

Do I sound nuts?
Probably. I just got home from the bar and I'm stressed about leaving again and got an annoying bit of homesickness for a massive city that's not really home.

it had something to do with the rain

Maybe it's the rain, I don't know. I'm feeling sort of sad, worn-out around the edges.
I don't feel like getting into anything I don't feel up to arguments or effort.
Yeah, maybe it's the rain.

I do not feel like getting my hopes up or trying for something/someone.
Tomorrow will be better, I'm deciding.

It's actually really lovely out right now. The fog. The lights through the fog.
Palmerston Boulevard looked to me just like that scene in MSCL with Brian and Angela after she almost got arrested but instead talked about Anne Frank with the police officer and stuff.
Wow that whole episode.
When Angela comes out of the shower and is in a towel and is on the way to her room and she runs into her dad and he's so awkward that she's in a towel ("my breasts have come between us")
Graham: How's school?
Angela: Well.. I'm beginning to like Anne Frank
Graham: Oh, yeah? Is she a girl in your class?
Angela: No, she's dead.
Graham: Ohh...
Angela: Anne Frank, Dad. Anne Frank!

I wrote that out from memory.

My friend got her wisdom teeth out (all four!) and she's at Dollface's recuperating and I brought her some soup and chocolate pudding when I went to walk Kaya and the friend was all bundled up, sad-like and in pain and I felt bad for her
but then also a bit like I wanted to be bundled up and taken care of.
Without the pain part maybe though.

How is it Friday already? I meant to get more done this week!





(I can't remember the sound that you found for me)

we did. we had a time

I was looking for so long for this clip to show you!!!

(And then I got distracted watching all my favourite scenes from this damn show. Gaddamn so good.)

Anyway, I kind of felt like Angela and Rayanne this morning, thinking about last night.
I was being ridiculous and was so annoyed and rude and yet still in retrospect it was more funny/awesome then anything.


Hmm.
I have to go party some more now, apparently.

I worked outside all day and it rained and it was sooo cold and now I'm warm and cozy and quite exhausted and I want to have a nap, but apparently that's not going to happen. No sir, gotta power through.

Where's my flask?
I kind of think I'm going to be home early tonight.

Man, I still need to clean and pack and stuff... Yike!
What if I have to miss Dakota tomorrow?
My life is so hard.

McGruff serves it up

Happy Birthday!



(she's such a creeper)


BFF looks self-satisfied, probably knows I'll decide her Hallowe'en costume for her in a little bit.



light bulb moment?



You know what, guys?
I like my eggwhite omelets. I really do. I think they are tasty.


(He really needs a pseudonym since I'm at Aunties so often, he's pretty much my closest confidant, okay:) McGruff is about to say "NO MORE HOT WATER FOR YOUR OVER-USED TEABAG" (Not a euphemism)


I asked McGruff to bring pancakes with candles for Dollface when we were done eating, but he was already planning to do it!!! I know, right?

I forgot to take pictures of it all nice.
The hot pancakes melted all the candles and the wax ran through all the layers. It got stuck in our teeth! Delicious!


Another good thing about McGruff is that if you're undecided about what you'd like to eat, he'll decide for you - and he's usually right.

After breakfast I went with BFF and Deer to Kensington to look for costumes.
I still have not decided on my costume.
I just don't really know what I'd really like to be. I'm pretty annoyed that I'm working both tomorrow and Saturday nights. Want to just PARTY-ALL-THE-TIME.
I have not done nearly enough of that recent. Not NEARLY enough.

Deer and I watched the Hallowe'en episode of My So-Called Life last night and it got us in the spirit a bit.
We also watched the Strangers in the House episode and I haven't seen that one very many times (it was missed on the original tapes that my loving aunt who changed my life by giving me this series taped) and it made me cry. So lovely.
Man that show is so good.


Ha! Did anyone else see how the weather network (mostly liars, but still) are predicting warmth again next week? Highs of 16!! I can get behind that. For sure.
Although I have to say, I've been enjoying tuques and mittens. And tights. But there will be more than enough time for all of that all long, dreary, relentless winter.

I'm scared the Christmastime season will go too quickly, yet again. I need to make the most of it!

Really!

Don't worry, I have srsly gotten started.



the best part is obviously my sparkly sequined headband.

pls fix my computer going on the internet

I have the biggest bruises right now. On my bum. From falling out of the hot tub.
No really. They are big.


See? That's not even all three of them. Fun timez!


Ugh. Went and worked out with Dollface today, for this first time this week. (I worked out a bit at my house but I don't push myself like I should when I'm on my own) Was not feeling it today. No sir. But even not fully committing is better than not doing it at all. Or something.
Now I'm eating soup and rice crackers and brie and getting mad at the internet not working like I'd like it to. Mother effer.


I just about blew a gasket at work yesterday. So, so very close. And very close to quitting.
The whole system there is effed and this year is worse than any other.
And my one co-worker was bossing and complaining to the nth and not being a good worker on top of that (I don't mind bossing so much if you're also a great worker).
And then when I objected to her bossing and whining she repeatedly told me what a bad mood I was in. Went so far as to ask me if I was getting my period. Nice!
On top of that I made $130 and since we had to split all of our tips at the stand I ended up leaving with about $75. Yikes.
Then on top of that my co-worked tried to get us to leave our stand fully unlocked and not signed off on in the interest of leaving early. When I refused, she flipped out.
Then on top of that my co-worker blamed having to do re-counts on me when if fact she had inverted numbers I had counted.
I know that complaining about people, especially co-workers, makes people wonder if it's actually me that is the problem.... but I can't help it! I wanted to punch her in the face! So badly! So so so so badly!
And I'm pretty sure I'm a good worker.
The dome used to be my favourite job ever. But the system has gotten so badly screwed up, it's pitting everyone against each other.. I'm really not sure if I'm going back next season. Luckily there's only a few more games and then a big big break.



In other, better, news - I had a pretty fun hang the other night that involved Cool Lager (favourite too bad I lovesit) and watching My So-Called Life with a babe.
I know.
You are so jealous of my lifestyle.

OMG My So-Called Life.
Nothing I write could ever even compare. The subtleties and warmth and love and kindness and heartache and cleverness that show has.
I'm not even joking a little bit. I think it's wonderful and painful and beyond true. I'm still in awe of it and I've seen it all about a billion times.
I think I should just pull an "Office" and just remake MSCL in Canada. Obvious best idea.

I do not want to go to work today! Or tomorrow. Or Saturday. I don't know how people work five-day weeks. It seems very silly to me.
I blame my mother for a lack of interest in work.

OMG THREE MONTHS UNTIL CHRISTMAS I'M NOT EVEN JOKING!

I had the most intense stress dream about Christmas last night. It was painful. It was my birthday (Christmas eve) but I hadn't bought anyone any gifts so I had to go the mall to go shopping but I kept accidentally leaving the mall and driving away and then realizing I hadn't bought anything. And I couldn't go to my own birthday party because I had to go shopping! So frustrating. The worst was that I woke up at one point and was all "thank god that was just a dream" but then I went right back into it!
Which is unfair because that never happens with good dreams.

**********


I wrote this yesterday before work and tried to post it but the internet was being dumb. Speaking of which:
So this laptop seems to only want to connect to the internet via airport, and completely ignores when I plug the internet directly into it. So I steal internet from whoever in my building hasn't password-protected their internet, but it's very touchy.
I know that my internet works because I plugged it into my old computer to check. And I even think that when I first brought this comp home I plugged my internet into it and it just worked...
So WTF? Why won't it work now? Is there something I don't know????
(Pls help me on this if you can? Thnx??)

Also, guess who I ended up working with again last night?!?
Yep, same co-worker! Holy fun times. It wasn't as bad as the night before but still annoying. I made something ridiculous like $215 in tips (completely unheard of for this season. Like off the heeze) but ended up leaving with $185 on account of she didn't make nearly as much as me. But it was still GOOD and I still needed that money like you would not believe.

come on ride me ride me ride me doublies

Surprisingly fun: Dance Cave.
Yeah, I know, filled with 20 year olds. But good dance party last night, gotta admit. Can't front.

Went to Lee's with Dollface and co. to meet up with some skater dreamboats for some skate party but it wasn't as fun as originally hoped and all the skaters ended up upstairs for some reason (less screaming bands, maybe? more young tail maybe?) so we hung there. Got drunked and danced. Pretty good music, some kind of funny bits. Mostly liked Blister in the Sun such a classic I don't even care I am so Angela Chase dancing over being over Jordan Catalano. Even though no one is ever really over Jordan Catalano. I mean he's Jordan Catalano for frig's sake.
Everyone was drunker than me (for once in my life) and belligerent in funny ways.
We saw a skunk on the way home! I wanted to keep it for a pet, but instead I was made to cross the street to walk as far away from it as possible.
What the hell is a skunk doing in downtown toronto.
Aw geez, I should've gotten a picture of the skunk. Could've made some sweet LOLskunks.

Had dinner at Victory with Sass today. Victory is the king of delicious wheat-involved foods but I got veggie chilli and cheese on fries because I'm very health conscious and a good eater.

Tonight I am tired. Despite my 4 hour nap all afternoon. I guess because I walked to work last night, worked, walked all the way from the dome up to Lee's, danced like a maniac (why are my arms so sore, seriously, was I doing chin-ups??), then walked home.
Everything is a bit achy.
But Dollface is covering a bar shift in my hood and so it's pretty much my duty to go and visit her. And there is Hip Hop Karaoke, guaranteed party time. Except my bike is a wienery baby and Gladstone is so far. How come no one wants to come and ride me doublies?

Funniest email of the week is from my friend in Saskatoon:

hey there buddy,
hows it hanging?
nice new picture(s).
well well you'd better get some new party shoes because i will be playing at the dakota tavern on halloween. Friday night party down. MAybe you'll get to make out with a zombie, a cowboy or somebody wrapped in aluminum foil? Doesnt that sound nice? Mark your calendar. talk to you soon buddy

wurd life,
Burke

The best is if you know this dude and you can read it in his slow drawl of a Prince Albert (Sask.) hick accent.
That does sound nice.

mondays don't feel like mondays if you don't have a proper job

Having auditions in the later afternoon is preferable because then I can stay up until four in the morning, writing. And then I can sleep in and lie around and hit the snooze button about 20 times. (Speaking of which, I'm pretty sure the 680 news weather guy is losing it. Seriously, he is so, so bored of his job. I can tell.)
And then I can have an overly-long bath and then primp and take forever deciding on my outfit (still haven't decided that part yet. Currently sporting just footless tights and a shrunken bright pink angora sweater).

I'm wearing a full face of make-up, and holy jesus, make-up takes so much time to apply and perfect and stuff. I'm never being and everyday wearer.

I lost a contact in my war on drinking (by which I mean I put the contact beside the case instead of in the case and then it dried out, while I was too drunk to function).
I'm on my last pair of contacts. I'm actually going to have to get rich soon. I haven't had new glasses in four years or so and I wear my contacts for far longer than advised.
WHATEVERS.

I'm feeling so lucky these days. I don't know if I'm just feeling thankful for my life, lifestyle, friends, talents, or if I feel like there's something big around the corner. Maybe a bit of both.

When I'm making all the riches I'm also going to buy my mum new glasses. Her eyes are much worse than mine own and she also never gets new glasses.
Being poor is strange.
I'm having to think about it more and dissect it for this show I'm theoretically writing.

I'm a good writer. I'm working on being a good writer, with good work habits. Last night was movie night at Sophia's, I went but refused to watch the movie. I did bring cookies (OMG so good, chocolate with while chocolate chips uh huh huh huh), and I did socialize for a bit. But then I went home to memorize sides and Get Shit Done. Even when the possibility of babes arose, I still held firm to my working.
WOAH.
I'm growing up.

I spent a lot of time yesterday reading articles about My So-Called Life and about Marshall Herskovitz. He said that when they went in to do the commentary for the new DVD bonus features that they were all just crying, they had a hard time talking about it. Aw...
A bunch of new reviews of the show came out recently with the re-release of the DVD set and it's funny what love and devotion that tiny piece of television has. I mean, it only ran for 19 episodes. No one watched it at the time and still people have a hard time categorizing it. ABC just didn't know what to do with it, where to slot it, how to pitch it, even who it was aimed it.
But that's the thing, it's aimed at everyone.
Pre-teens coming into that age, teenagers in the thick of it, parents of teenagers, and anyone who remembers being an adolescent.

Okay. Seriously. Getting dressed. Hopefully.

So excited for improv tonight! No but really!