a tisket a tasket please no babes with baskets

I love this khaki onesie that I bought at the Village Green thrift store (aka Mennonite Clothes Closet) in Saskatoon. I didn't try it on and I thought "GEEZ SEVEN DOLLARS IS A LOT TO PAY FOR THIS ONESIE" because I had just bought a bunch of sweet ones at Honest Ed's here for fifty cents but I still got it and maaaan do I like it. I apologize to you if you see me a lot and every time you see me I am wearing this khaki onesie and talking about safari-ing all the time.



I took these photos a few weeks ago. There's a good possibility I was drunk at the time. Dollface was saying that she read that women who are ovulating dress more seductively than otherwise.
You know who else dresses "seductively"? Drunk people.
Haaa, sometimes I make the best outfits while pre-drinking. I swear I'm just getting this phase out of my system, I am just partying into space while I can and using up my desire to socialize and dance and cause shit so that when I'm older and settled and have a million babies (fine one at least) then I can feel like I never missed out on anything!



Speaking of ovulating. Bodies are wild! imagine none of us had hormones and then we could just decide if we liked each other based on logic or something closer to logic at least...
I said something about that the other night and one guy said something about hormones not being a problem for guys. Classssssssssssic.

Apparently women who are on the pill are more likely to be in long-term relationships. This is also probably because if you're having sex all the time you probably want to use something other than condoms if at all possible. Which is funny because the pill can also be pretty detrimental to a a woman's sex drive!
I do wonder though.. if I were on the pill if I'd be more into a proper relationship.

This may be TMI (I'm not sure why I even worry at all about too much information since bluntness and openness are things I value very much in blog and in IRL friends) but I've not been on the pill since I was 18 or maybe younger, and now they won't even prescribe it to me because I get bad migraines (very rarely but usually with an "aura" which precedes them and can be very frightening - remember when I lost the ability to remember words?? fun!) and this increases the risk of stroke blah blah, etc.
Anyway, it's interesting to note exactly how my body exactly works at different points and what/who I'm interested in and how I approach people.

Sometimes while I'm at the dome I see some guys who are totally bros and I don't even like bros at all but my brain/body is like BRO BABES BRO BABES BRO BABES TOUGH TOUGH MINE MINE MINE MINE caveman fucking brain, don't judge me.

Kind of neat, though! Neat to keep track of trends and interests. But then I also get super defensive of other people blaming things on my hormones and not being realistic. But no one is ever completely realistic!
Jesus, we're all carrying so much baggage and have been through so many different things and got our own patterns and built-in expectations that nothing is realistic!

ha, though I decided years ago I would never begin any type of involvement when I had PMS because it would undoubtedly be a two-weeker. terrible!


I do usually wear it more buttoned up, in case you were wondering.

Also, while we're on the subject of ways I am insane, my obsession with familiarity is too extreme. I realized that a dude I made out with reminded me of someone and that's probably why I made out with him. But then I realized that I don't even particularly like the person he reminded me of!
AMAZING.

"I don't want any babes with baskets"
"oh yeah?"
"Yeah! No babes with any baskets! Too much work"
"Wait. Do you mean baggage?"

Noodle is the best.

I'm okay with babes with baskets, especially if it means they'll carry my groceries home for me.

before I grow up here you go

Sleeping next to someone is difficult. You never really do. It begins to feel like a timed game with too many variables. Obligatory, almost. And you can’t sleep with a giant pea wedged in your consciousness. Unless you’re really drunk.

Sass has relocated (internetly and IRL) is now at joeyng.com. that bit, in particular, from one of her blog posts got to me a bit.



I am bad at sleeping beside people sometimes. Except when I'm not. But the slightest hint of strange or of things left unsaid...



I very much miss having Sass around. I like that she's always awake late on the internet milesandmiles away, though. So I can run things by her and ask if things are too-much.



Ha, guess which I asked were too much? I think I may have asked the wrong person. 
These days I am always second-guessing around here and feeling awkward about what I want to post/how it will look/what it means about me.



I am not embarrassed of these pictures. I am embarrassed to go about my daily life and not be this confident and attractive and calmed down (does that make sense?).



I am mostly made up of awkwardness, obnoxiousness, and bravado.
I am nothing like these photos in real-time. That's why I like them. That's why it's fair to post them. They are still almost-honest.



I have no interest in getting in anyone's way.
I have in the past. I've been a terrible friend and I've been a kid. I've put myself in situations I shouldn't have. I have pushed things that needed to be left alone. I've blamed other people.


Mrs thinks that this blog (the photos I post) are a bit asking-for-it.
Longing gazes are not for taking-seriously.



I liked how Raymi the other day was saying very blunt online how she is in relationships. How she is super affectionate, and just listing all these characteristics that she has in relationships. Refreshing, when people are upfront and honest about how they think they are/what they like.
I would never put any of that on here because I am a different sort, plus who knows what I am like, really.





I have a hard time properly kissing anyone who I'm actually interested in.
I thought this post would read stronger but instead it is uncomfortably weak. 

Where's the love? it's not enough! makes the world go round and round

Guys remember when we all used to like Hanson so much?? REMEMBER?
I so into that record, I'll admit. Not MmmBop, I have more class than that, but the ones like Lucy and I Will Come To You the ones that were so fun to sing along to.
I was mostly into Jonathan Taylor Thomas (obvi) but I had a side-interest in Taylor Hanson. Yeah, I taped them when they were on Oprah.

It's kind of weird how I got so ridiculously into pop culture and celebrities, my mum hates all that kind of shit. I've always had a soft spot for crushes and cute boys though. An interest I've carefully cultivated for many years and has served me quite well....

ANYWAY:

Thinking 'Bout Somethin'

HANSON | MySpace Music Videos
Yeah, this is pretty fun. No, it is, though.
Also, it has Weird Al in it, in case that was more your bag.

looks warm out but it definitely isn't

I totally had insomnia for the first time in forever last night. Usually I am the best at sleeping. Oh, except when I'm at someone else's house and I wake up at 7 or 8 and can't get back to sleep. That's annoying.

Anyway, none of my regular tricks were working and so I ended up being awake until 4 a.m. reading, which was a bit annoying since I meant to go to sleep by 2 so that I could get up at a reasonable time today and get something accomplished. WHATEVER.

I did go to visit Sub Rosa to visit my friend and have my picture taken in some awesome outfits (pictures to follow, I hope!) and I did get groceries (even catfood, you're welcome, Ruth Buzzi) and I did make mushroom soup (a little too salty, lesson learned).

So leave me alone. I'm productive!

Last night was the welcome back/refresher training thing for the dome. Man those are always a party, eh? We mostly made a billion jokes in the back row sort of and that made it okay.
Also they gave us food which I couldn't eat except for the chips. I had some fat yogurt raisins with me so I ate those loudly during the session.

Also the police guys from the 52 division were so nice. I just wanted them to be my best friends and hang out forever. They were so confident and calm and nice. I find it reassuring when police are so lovely.

My best joke of the night when our presenter was talking about upselling and she was like "what do people usually order together?"
me: "pizza dough with toppings and cheese on the top"

I have this unfortunate habit of laughing at my own jokes forever but, even worse, I tend to quietly make a joke and try not to laugh and then take a sip or a bite of something and then snort it right out my nose when I realize that I can't hold back about how funny I am.

Honestly, no one even thinks I'm funny the way I do.

Also, my know-it-all-ism was in full effect last night. I'm still waiting on growing out of that one!

Three more days of working (counting today) and then one day off!
My life would be hard if my shifts weren't only four hours long.

NO PICTURES TODAY.

the romance and the horror in it

It kind of makes me feel better to take lots of photos of myself where I look nice and better than in real life like who cares if your insides are rotting and your heart is faulty, your outsides are still alright! 

I realize that this is ridiculous but, you know. 

I'm not a big fan of people making assumptions of me. Which, of course, happens a lot to all of us. 

I wonder how much of personality is directly formed by our looks and people reacting to what we look like. 

Maybe it's the number 26 but lately I have been feeling old. Okay, not old, exactly. More like an "adult" for the first time. 

I feel like I'm maybe getting to the point where I could be a trustworthy upstanding grown-up. 

I could at some point be trusted with a real relationship, work responsibilities, house-keeping, care-taking, childrens, and plants. 

Haha that paragraph did not convince you. 

I'm also feeling tired of old patterns and so on. 

One of my favourite Saskatoon friends was in town this week very briefly I don't think I have a name for her here? Do I? How would I be able to tell? Anyway, she is very lovely and very smart and I hung out with her but first I hung out with her friend who got into town earlier than her. 

These two women are two of the only three people I know who went through anything remotely similar to what I went through when Toad (who was my first boyfriend and also the subject of my story-telling last week, conversationally) was going crazy and was eventually hospitalized. 

We've been tossing around the idea of putting together a book of some sort dealing with this sort of subject matter. We have found that there's not a lot out there for young people whose boyfriend/girlfriend is suffering from a mental illness. 

And it's kind of needed. 

I remember feeling a bit abandoned in a bunch of ways while Toad was getting really sick. 

His friends had all abandoned him and it was hard to tell what was actual mental illness, what was his natural manipulative personality, what was him wanting to seem like a crazy hippie, and what was his drug use. Not that they're not all tied up in the same, but still. 

And there's a stigma to dating someone who is going insane. Obviously. I think a lot of people thought I was just ridiculous for hanging out with him at all. 

And I was such a kid. I was so, so young. And I've always been (and still am) easily swayed. I was so easily pulled into all of it. 

And it's hard because frequently a bit of crazy is one of the most attractive things. Especially to young, impressionable, intelligent girls. It's almost like magic, I mean, he's technically a genius, he thinks so differently than me, he's so clever and has huge ideas and big plans and has a sense of purpose and confidence. 

And there's also how sexuality is generally all tied up in mental illness. Which is bad news. 

I think that's part of why I loved Francesca Lia Block's YA novels so much, she seemed to know about crazy and borderline crazy. And the romance and horror in that. If that makes sense. 

My friend's friend is doing her phd in clinical psychology (?I think, I'm terrible with remembering which is which. ugh.) and so she has even more of an interest in all of this and so she wanted to ask me basically everything about everything that happened between Toad and I. And in some ways it was easier to be upfront with her (even though she was a complete stranger) because I knew that she had gone through a very similar experience. 

I'm not in any sort of headspace to write about this properly today. I don't know why I'm trying. 

I'm going to attempt to blog the story of what all happened with Toad at some point. I'm a bit nervous that he'll link over from FB and read this. But not really. I think he might be in the hospital again, actually. 

It's still really hard hashing through all of it, even this many years later. 

I've been feeling rather raw from it all week. 

I'm not rude just because you have stuff in your beard

Today I made JL take me out to brunch because he OWES me big time because I went over last week and made his whole resume and cover letter and you know what? making resumes isn't the funnest.

He still owes me but this is a start.

me: you have something in your beard
jl: what is it?
me: I don't know probably toothpaste... or jizz. which have you had in your mouth lately, a toothbrush or a cock?
jl: what's the difference?
me: bit of a girth difference
jl: what kind of toothbrush are you using?


I feel like I'm getting more sensitive to/cautious of rude/offensive things as I get older. I never thought this would happen! Young-me is terribly disappointed in rapidly-aging-me.
 Learn how to take a joke, old lady!

all I wanted was to be your housewife

I had a dream the other night that I found a new apartment right on Queen West and I could walk out my front door and be right on Queen. This new apartment was more like a motel room, all white walls and a big white bed and white dresser and it didn't have much stuff in it. And it had a closet (I cannot even express how often I dream of having a closet after living without one for 6 years).

And so I happily moved right into this new apartment, forgetting that I would have to give notice on my old place or find someone to move in... then I had the brilliant idea that I would sublet my current bachelor apartment on a weekly or monthly basis in a furnished fashion, sort of like a B&B, for much more than I currently pay for it. And I would hire my friend to clean it for me and my new apartment only cost $400 so I would be making so much money!!! 

Dream-me is so clever. Except I'm pretty sure I'm not allowed to do that, given that I don't own this place and it isn't in my rental agreement.

I constantly have dreams of moving and sometimes the dreams are great and sometimes they are panicky. I love this apartment -- obviously, I've lived here for 6 years -- but it's definitely not forever and it's definitely annoying in some ways (CLOSET. CAN'T I PLEASE HAVE A CLOSET?)

Plus it's small and sloped and there is way too much stuff in here (oh god so much stuff) and I can't start collecting all the things I'm going to need to make my actual home a proper home while living here. Not that I have anywhere else I want to live...

This also still feels a bit like a kid's place. The mini-fridge is especially getting to me (well, now that I broke all the shelves in it) -- I made a batch of vegetable stock to freeze and cut up some vegetables that needed to be used up to freeze all ready to make stuff with and now my tiny freezer is completely full.

Last night I made fudge, then crocheted for awhile (while watching the first season of Lost, what the hell am I getting myself into?), then I cleaned up a bit and I broke my favourite corningware dish and was super upset about it.

Today I'm listening to Cocorosie and eating stew and half-heartedly applying to jobs and mulling things over.

when the first cup of coffee tastes like washing up

I am the worst at visiting with people this visit. I keep expecting to get better at it/feel like it but then more days pass and I still feel like hibernating at my mum's house.



One of my mum's best friends (a woman I've known since I was born, basically) died just before Christmas and so Mum's been feeling pretty sad and tired. I've been holding back tears since I got off the plane for various reasons (none of them particularly big, just a combination of things) and instead of crying it out I've been bottling it all up, turning it into bad moods. I'm a bit nervous of the memorial service tomorrow as I will probably either cry inappropriate amounts or I will be in the worst mood ever.
Good, supportive daughter that I am!



It's strange being acutely aware of one's shortcomings. One day I will be a good friend and family member, with proper listening abilities and loving advice (but only when actually needed)...



You know what's awesome? When you try to explain to someone that you don't want any advice and then they just keep giving you advice.
Not giving advice is probably almost as good of a skill as giving good advice.



I know a lot of people who think they are good at giving advice, but I disagree. I frequently wonder if I am one of those people. Sometimes I certainly am.




My friend and her baby were pretty beautiful on her wedding day. Perfect, really.



Man, I love that girl. I'm so pleased to be able to be in town for her wedding. Her twin sister got married last year and I wasn't in town for it. I was in Toronto because I had a short film in TIFF and it felt like I needed to be there. When I saw the photos from the wedding I felt a bit devastated. It didn't make sense at all that I'd missed it. I mean, I'd been in this girl's life - her family, almost - since we were in kindergarten...



Anyhow. I was very, very pleased to make it to this wedding. It was small and lovely and I knew most people and never see them.
And I held that baby for so, so long while it slept in my arms. Then she woke up and I held her with her back to me so she could calmly watch all the going ons. Lovely tiny thing, that.

Only cried a tiny bit and I don't think anyone noticed. I probably don't always come off as the biggest sap in person, but I always, always am.

if you propose, I'll probably say yes...

So.
Two of my all-time best friends are now engaged (and I think it will soon be three, when a bf gets home from fighting in the war [wtf]).
I'm trying to plan my end of summer trip home to be able to go to my friend's wedding.
Yike.

I don't even have a date!!! Who would I bring?

Somehow the invitation coming in the mail and my friend's blog post about getting engaged.. whoaly. I am old.
Everyone I know is involved in weddings and babies.

And it's fine that I'm not. It's better for me. I'm doing well and I'm happy and most days I'm not concerned that I haven't ever had a long term relationship.

Sort of.

But who would I even be if I was busy dating someone? Would I still want to party all the time? Would I still be allowed to ogle dudes and blog about them?
Nope. Relationships are probably just not for me.

According to Facebook, pretty much everyone my age from school now has kids. I didn't really need to know. I find it too bizarre.
Not to be judgy mcjudgerson but it seems like they all just have babies instead of doing things with their lives.
I'm not having kids until I'm the type of woman kids would be proud to have as their mother. I don't want to be a mum until I would never have to live vicariously through my offspring. I want to have done and still be doing all the things I dream of and not have to push my kids into things I wish I'd done.

I also want to have kids when they can be my top priority. When I'm finished being this ridiculously self-absorbed (when is that time coming??).

But. At the same time, if my life had played out so that it wasn't completely irrational to have kids right now, I probably would.
No, I totally would.

GIVE ME ALL YOUR BABIES