playing cute and not settling

I went and visited my agent last week and picked photos.
We got it down to these two:

and

We decided on number 2 in the end. But now I think I'm changing my vote back to number 1. Hmm. Weigh in!
Please? 


This one for casting workbook as well because I have a giant grin on my face and there's nothing more charming than that, no?

I find it stressful dissect what I look like.
I think for someone of medium-good-looks I think I have a healthy handle on what I look like, why it's good and why it's bad, but it's still hard to feel awkward about certain features.
Like one's weight. Ugh! What a trite subject, something that I find offensive to have to worry about.
I'm healthy, I walk everywhere, I eat alright mostly. I don't know. 
I find hanging out with my agent, knowing that he knows that I am a bit too fat for real success in film and tv, to be a bit stressful.

As a regular human, as a staunch feminist, I don't agree with it only being skinny skinny women on our screens. I don't think that 30 pounds should be the difference between character actress and lead. I'm such a nice size for being a normal human being and yet I hate my body so much of the day. And I hate myself for not working harder to tone-up or not being able to say no to beer and fries.

How upsetting!

I'm super lucky! I'm well-made and attractive, it's such a shitty buzz that I constantly feel like I'll never be good enough. It's a shitty buzz that if you are not-quite-skinny it's almost a more awkward place to be for acting than fat.

ANYWAY.
I know I've said all this before, just stressed out about it again. How fun!


Soooo serious!

srsly.


on facebook I captioned this one: "you know that awkward stage kids go through where the have to start playing at being cute because they are not actually cute anymore? yeah."
I stick by that caption.


In this one I look like someone I'd want to be friends with. ha, in case you were wondering.



Do I feel embarrassed having this for a face? Oh god, obviously!
My teeth look good here, though. That's good! I still want to get them fixed.
The other day I made a rough list of things I would purchase if I had money. It was thousands and thousands of dollars worth of things.

I would like to learn how to fix cars. I'm not sure if I'm joking about this or no.


I'm pretty fucking pale, hey?
I'm pretty into it. I could do without the constant blushing but I will not complain about my skin. I've been lucky, thusfar.


Nice colours in these photos. Arrow did a real good job, my agent was impressed. Also relieved that I finally got new photos done. Ha.


What I like a lot about these shots is that I think I look like me. I have no desire for photos where I look way better than in real life or where I look a bit put-on.
That's what Arrow and Mrs. and I talked about, too, and aimed for. That I wanted a super honest shot. I think I can have an openness about me in my performances which is my best asset, no contest.
So I need a photo that conveys that as much as possible.


THIS IS EXACTLY HOW I FEEL HALF THE TIME

THIS IS EXACTLY HOW I FEEL THE OTHER HALF OF THE TIME.

haa, but I do mean that. I feel like those faces are beyond classic in terms of honest conveyance of what I'm about.



Speaking of partying, for some godforsaken reason I ended up at Cheval (a nightclub in the nightclub district which is kind of the worst place on earth) on Saturday night pouring Grey Goose (suuuuuper awkwardly) into my mouth.
Ha! I will do anything, go anywhere for the experience. Except maybe no more clubs?
It was actually super funny, me tagging along with two of my favourite Sweet Thingers (it's funny how every member of SweetThing has been my favourite in different moments, I like that) and I turned to mwaters and said, "we're at a club!"
hahaaha.
Dayna managed to get me a ticket to hang out with her at their show on Saturday where they opened for Down With Webster at Massey Hall, so that's why we ended up at said club, for the after-party.

Haaa the door guy worked at Aunties forever before and I was so happy/surprised to see him but I think he was double-shocked to see me in his line-up. In fact I believe his words were "I never thought I'd see you here". hahahaahaa you and me both, sister.

Oh yeah and before that we hung around while Sweet Thing signed autographs for all these girls after the show and I was laughing so hard. Man, I'm the rudest, I know. But, really, I did think it was the best. So great. I want to say adorable but I know that sounds condescending.
Swag swore never to sign autographs in front of me anymore. Awwww. They love Swag like nothing else. He is pretty babely.
For some godforsaken reason mwaters has decided to wear a poncho this tour. A yellow one with no shirt on under. I don't know why. But overhearing the girls talk about it was amazing. "I just want to know why".
I just felt like I was watching myself 10 years ago hanging around waiting for Treble Charger to come out and sign my converse-released single (still own, jfyi).



We did a good job on partying at the club, stayed til the end almost. I looked for babes but I found them severely lacking, except the ones I came with of course (chortle chortle sigh).
and I had a bit of a heart-to-heart with mwaters, who has long been on my passive-crush list and is someone I think highly of but don't always know how to communicate with.
mwaters inquired as to why pretty girls are mostly awful humans. I offered that it's because they're always looking for the next best thing.
I'd say that's pretty accurate.
You get an idea of how good you are in your head and look for a date accordingly, the more inflated your sense of self becomes, the more you can't "settle", even if "settling" would maybe land you someone who you'd actually be even and well-matched with.


(haaaaa I like the juxtaposition of my face in the middle of this story)

Not just for pretty people, but for people with bits of money or fame or talent or genius, too. The fear of settling and the desire to land the ultimate best we can get makes us all into assholes.
Totally flawed logic and probably not always done on purpose, but I still think that's what's going on a lot.

If you add on my determination to find people who are a bit insane, romantic, huge-loving, then you can understand why I feel the idea of a sustainable relationship is a bit out of my league and scope of understanding at this juncture.
Although still something I aspire to be able to get to at some point?
Who knows!

In case you were wondering, I find it annoying when people express upset on my behalf of my singledom.

And I feel that I'd get less of that if I were male. Just saying. Busy sowing my wild oats over here these days guy.



Hey, also, have you found that blogs these days are getting really, really awesome? About real things and getting into actual issues? I'm very pleased with this trend. Especially when it's as well executed as it has been lately. 
Today I'm specifically looking at:
Accost and Jones' blog about their attempts at being more reg: two regular men
and
Cpt. Heh's sobriety blog (heartbreaking and necessary): sober in the city

100% more than worth a full read, both of those links.

it's violet's birthday!

Hey, guess what?
it's Violet(the BFF, remember?)'s birthday today! I can think of no better excuse than this to post some pretty photos of her.


Niagara Falls! That's one of my best friends from childhood there with us, she was in town for a vacation and so we went to Niagara Falls and it was very fun. I love trips. Who wants to take me on trips??

hahaa nice.

aaaaahhhhhhahahaha. If you know me you'll know that I like to make my friends who don't know each other be friends with each other. I don't really have a specific friend group, I have lots of friends from different groups/circles/jobs/arts and I like to make them all interact. Sometimes it's awkward but not always. Anyway, look the Mrs. and Violet are being friends! Friends who just love talking about their periods!

These are from when I was still shooting on film. Remember film? That was hard work.

oh good, digital



Hey I have those exact same earrings I don't remember us both having them.

Violet like pink and purple and pearls but in a good way.  so if you're going to  buy her a birthday gift I would recommend something along those lines.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, VIOLET!

Okay enough about her!

I worked the Jays home-opener last night just like I said I was going to and it was way less terrible than I had feared. Success!
I mean, sure, everything was a disaster and disorganized and the company and its employees were pitted against each other and we didn't have anywhere near enough supplies for the amount of sales we were doing. And I worked with one co-worker who we are all certain steals tips! (TIP STEALING?? ULTIMATE LOW)
But it was still way less awful that I thought it would be.
The dome used to be my absolute favourite job. But now that's it's run by a new company and after working at the other stadium and seeing how it could be properly.. well, it's hard not to get frustrated with how poorly things are run.
Am I going to get fired for bad-mouthing them?
Luckily we are unionized now so they'll have a tougher time.
Plus the union seems to be doing fuck-all for us except a TINY pay raise which just barely covers our union dues. 

Anyway, I have a sort of affection for the dome and kind of a lot of secret affection for the Jays like they are all my buds and we should hang out more because I know all their songs and stuff. haaha, I'm not good at sports.

Everyone I knew was at the game having a paaarty time without me and I was kind of jealous. I've been jonesing to go to a sports game lately. WHO'S GOING TO TAKE ME??

Wow, I'm being needy today, hey?

Okay okay, here's a photo of Violet and I in a pool at night. I got it off facebook. Obviously.

Oh yeah, speaking of facebook:

This whole thread is very funny because commenter #1 is someone who gave me his email address while I was working at the stadium and he told me that I looked very cute in my glasses. Which is a funny way of putting things because I assure you, I look cute frequently, glasses or no.

Yes, I did end up FB friends with someone who tried to pick me up at work, leave me alone.

PLUS, he had no follow-through. So we never hung out, now we're just awkwardly facebook friends. I hope he reads this just because it would add to the amazing amount of awkward.

Also it's funny because I frequently wear contact lenses, I just hadn't had any new ones in awhile. Sometimes you just don't feel like wearing glasses. Especially if you want to wear sunglasses. Or when it's rainy. Or when your nose is tired of supporting them.

Also I was being sarcastic! Obviously! Okay, they get that probably, I know. But still.

Fucking blogger post editing is getting to me, quit formatting things I don't need formatted!

WISHLIST 2K9

READY TO FULFILL MY BIRTHDAY/CHRISTMAS DREAMS??

I know this is too late, mostly. But still!

**Big saucepan
(I bought one for kind of a lot of money and then all the teflon coating started coming off in chunks and I don't really want to use it anymore.. at all..)


**Alcohol
(pretty much any variety.)

**Small cast iron pan
(I have a big one but I need a small one, too!)


**Big trunk
(I need one of these so badly. I have a big tupperware covered in fabric right now instead of the trunk I so desperately desire...)



**Antique fixtures and hardware
(like above - prettinesses)

**Sharp knives
(no reason)


**Antique broaches
(though I'm not sure why you'd get me ones because I lost two broaches in the past couple of weeks. backpacks + broaches on coats = disaster. don't worry, little aunt, I didn't lose the one you got me last Christmas)

**Something that fastens broaches to me better
(to prevent losing them. Should I sew them on?)


**Fancy tights
(I like the stay-ups best, but all pretty ones. Oh, also thick ones)

**Socks

**Scarves, Tuques, and Mittens
(other things I continuously lose)


**Big fancy ring
(maybe in real silver so that it doesn't disintegrate so quickly?)

**Tiny shelves/tiny sets of drawers


**Blue and white and gold/silver china
(with some other colours is okay too, I guess...)


Yeah.

**Frilly drawers
(you know what I mean...)


**Fix my bike
(the brakes are sort of messed and I have a broken spoke. Am I going to die?)

**Lemon Vanilla perfume/soap/anything that smells like that
(favourite. sigh.)

**Lip balm

**Blank books

**Wooden ladle, nice kitchen utensils

**Pretty pie plate

**Pens
(regular and drawing)

**Computer Speakers
(hey I forgot that I need these)

**Fancy papers for crafting
(I NEED these. I'm running a bit low. I also need stamps and stamp-pads and embossing supplies and everything for crafts!!!)

**Beautiful Christmas ornaments and Christmas household things
(you might think I would have an overload of these already, but I do not! How odd!)


Well that was fun for me.

Also, I do not expect anyone to get me anything. Obviously. Unless you are in my family in which case you have to get me everything on this list. NO JOKE.


Okay I have to go clean up this apartment because I am going to MAKE CRAFTS all night. I invited some people over but it'll probably just be a couple of us, cutting and gluing to our hearts' content.
SIGH.

not my kitten and housekeeping

I clicked randomly on this video after watching my own about my kittens (see previous entry):



Speaking of too cute and kittens who look like robots!\




Also:
Matchstick is looking for feedback from anyone who may have seen my posting regardind L’Oreal Beauty Tubes. If you click on the link below and complete the survey, you will be helping them by donating $2.00 to Shelternet, so please Click Here to take their short feedback survey.
For every survey that is completed, Matchstick will make a $2 donation to Shelternet (shelternet.ca), which is a Web-based Women and Children’s Crisis Support Center that provides aid and financial support to locally based women’s shelters across Canada.
Your time and feedback is greatly appreciated!

Also, don't forget:

what a stupid career idea

Aw, man.
I really want to be an actor. I so badly want to be an actor and get to act and be in things and go to set and learn new skills and develop actual characters and have input and and and and and

I kind of wish I were just in this for the fame, then I could take another avenue, push anything to get fame. But what I really really want and dream of and plan for and expect is to be a working actor. To get to go and work on film sets.
To create and to story-tell.


I feel a pretty big disconnect between who I feel I am and what I look like on film and in pictures. I really don't relate that well to images of me. I know that girl, but I don't really believe it's me.
I feel kind of protective if her more than anything. And a bit judgemental of her. No, mostly protective.
Aw that girl has such a funny gremlin face, aw it's that girl's fat arms again, cute... That girl's high-pitched squeal and bum-chin. I guess I'm familiar to myself and therefore endeared...
Hard to explain. But I guess that's one of the reasons why I'm fine with watching myself and why I am comfortable with my body and looks, because I do not believe it's really me.


You know what else I'd like? I'd like to go to Paris in the fall.
BFF is going to do a semester of school there (luckylucky) and imagine if I could go and visit??
I've never even been out of Canada! Ever!
And I even speak French. Perfect.
I should probably go.
Aaand I should go to England, too. I have relatives over there. My grandparents immigrated from there, it's almost like I have a bit of culture if I think about it.
And I speak English, so, you know.
Makes sense.

I have to make a lot of money starting now, go!

Such, such a busy weekend, I'm a busy bee. Lots of ideas for projects that I want to do. Lots of stress and lots of fun. And now I kind of want to sleep for a few days. Or at least 11 hours...

Also, if you haven't seen A Small Thing and you'd like to see the trailer, it's here: http://www.girlboyproductions.com/trailer.html. In case you were wondering.

Valentine, valentine, please say that you'll be mine

Still no signs of any baby kittens, but Tilda Swinton is pretty into eating my Valentines Boquet.
Thanks a lot, Tilton.







That last picture reminds me, remember when I got L'Oreal's Beauty Tubes mascara? Well I'm still pretty into it, and I've been sent this coupon for you, just click on it and it'll take you to their website where you enter in that code number you see (C498) and they'll send you a coupon for $5 off.

Pretty nice.

Oh yeah, also, one time at work a couple of weeks ago some random customer lady said "wow you can't buy lashes like that" and I said "actually you can..."
Haha I am not even kidding or making that up.
Also I feel like sometimes they look so long that it's kind of weird. Especially since sometimes I don't wear any mascara at all and then I look like a blonde rabbit.
Yeah, I don't even know what that means, either.

new version (not interesting except to me)

Weird, dudes, my friend found this alternate version of the gum commercial, one I'd never seen!



Aaaand I think it's funnier.
I'm glad they made a version with that last line in it.
Also, I wish I hadn't have been death-ill losing voice on that day, my voice is kind of annoying. Oh yeah, and I should also get a nose job.




That guy is pretty insistent on it...
Who wants to fund one??

The shitty thing about being an actor/public personality of any sort is that people think they should be able to tell you about how you are ugly.
I assure you, everyone knows how they are ugly. And yet ya still gotta live.

Beauty Tubes Mascara

So L'Oreal sent me some stuff to try out their new Double Extension Beauty Tubes mascara. And I like free stuff! So much!
Especially because I needed new mascara.

Anyway. So, I was predisposed to not liking this mascara on account of I bought and tried another similar product which I hated.
But I was pleasantly surprised. It's one of these double-coat things, with a white layer first and then the black over top. It's bad if you don't quite get the tops of your eyelashes with the black and then there's white bits. So do it carefully.
What I liked was the definition. It's almost a bit much. In a good way. And also, it doesn't smudge or smear. I have a tendency to not bathe for a couple of days but it didn't make dark circles under my eyes, which has happened to me sooo much (Party All The Time).
Also, it comes off really easily (which was my beef with the other similar mascara, I could not get it off me). They say 30 seconds in hot water and yep it all came off in the shower. Almost in like little tubes, no lying. Shitty buzz though there were a few of the black mascara bits left in the tub afterward. Probably don't go swimming with this on your face.

I have pretty eyelashes, they are long and very pale.


First coat, white = creepy. and kind of dreamy like an angel of the lord


Second coat, black and pointy. I would not try putting a second coat of the black. It seems pretty set and into doing what it's doing I'm not going to mess with it.


Aaaanyway. I have a headache on account of I drank too much hier soir, (surprise, surprise) and all my stories are online because it's the day after Thursday. And I'm going to go lie around and not think too hard.
Strain the brains, etc.

morning photo shoot!

I just dyed my hair the same as I did last time nothing exciting, I have to get my stupid pictures stupid done and stupid printed and stupid sent out and stuff. It's been too long. My friend is annoying me and we keep putting off when we will have time to take them but soon. Soon!!!





haha this one is obviously the best:


yes I just woke up in these v pretty

I think I might have been yelling about how pretty I am last night... ahhh yikes.