playing cute and not settling

I went and visited my agent last week and picked photos.
We got it down to these two:

and

We decided on number 2 in the end. But now I think I'm changing my vote back to number 1. Hmm. Weigh in!
Please? 


This one for casting workbook as well because I have a giant grin on my face and there's nothing more charming than that, no?

I find it stressful dissect what I look like.
I think for someone of medium-good-looks I think I have a healthy handle on what I look like, why it's good and why it's bad, but it's still hard to feel awkward about certain features.
Like one's weight. Ugh! What a trite subject, something that I find offensive to have to worry about.
I'm healthy, I walk everywhere, I eat alright mostly. I don't know. 
I find hanging out with my agent, knowing that he knows that I am a bit too fat for real success in film and tv, to be a bit stressful.

As a regular human, as a staunch feminist, I don't agree with it only being skinny skinny women on our screens. I don't think that 30 pounds should be the difference between character actress and lead. I'm such a nice size for being a normal human being and yet I hate my body so much of the day. And I hate myself for not working harder to tone-up or not being able to say no to beer and fries.

How upsetting!

I'm super lucky! I'm well-made and attractive, it's such a shitty buzz that I constantly feel like I'll never be good enough. It's a shitty buzz that if you are not-quite-skinny it's almost a more awkward place to be for acting than fat.

ANYWAY.
I know I've said all this before, just stressed out about it again. How fun!


Soooo serious!

srsly.


on facebook I captioned this one: "you know that awkward stage kids go through where the have to start playing at being cute because they are not actually cute anymore? yeah."
I stick by that caption.


In this one I look like someone I'd want to be friends with. ha, in case you were wondering.



Do I feel embarrassed having this for a face? Oh god, obviously!
My teeth look good here, though. That's good! I still want to get them fixed.
The other day I made a rough list of things I would purchase if I had money. It was thousands and thousands of dollars worth of things.

I would like to learn how to fix cars. I'm not sure if I'm joking about this or no.


I'm pretty fucking pale, hey?
I'm pretty into it. I could do without the constant blushing but I will not complain about my skin. I've been lucky, thusfar.


Nice colours in these photos. Arrow did a real good job, my agent was impressed. Also relieved that I finally got new photos done. Ha.


What I like a lot about these shots is that I think I look like me. I have no desire for photos where I look way better than in real life or where I look a bit put-on.
That's what Arrow and Mrs. and I talked about, too, and aimed for. That I wanted a super honest shot. I think I can have an openness about me in my performances which is my best asset, no contest.
So I need a photo that conveys that as much as possible.


THIS IS EXACTLY HOW I FEEL HALF THE TIME

THIS IS EXACTLY HOW I FEEL THE OTHER HALF OF THE TIME.

haa, but I do mean that. I feel like those faces are beyond classic in terms of honest conveyance of what I'm about.



Speaking of partying, for some godforsaken reason I ended up at Cheval (a nightclub in the nightclub district which is kind of the worst place on earth) on Saturday night pouring Grey Goose (suuuuuper awkwardly) into my mouth.
Ha! I will do anything, go anywhere for the experience. Except maybe no more clubs?
It was actually super funny, me tagging along with two of my favourite Sweet Thingers (it's funny how every member of SweetThing has been my favourite in different moments, I like that) and I turned to mwaters and said, "we're at a club!"
hahaaha.
Dayna managed to get me a ticket to hang out with her at their show on Saturday where they opened for Down With Webster at Massey Hall, so that's why we ended up at said club, for the after-party.

Haaa the door guy worked at Aunties forever before and I was so happy/surprised to see him but I think he was double-shocked to see me in his line-up. In fact I believe his words were "I never thought I'd see you here". hahahaahaa you and me both, sister.

Oh yeah and before that we hung around while Sweet Thing signed autographs for all these girls after the show and I was laughing so hard. Man, I'm the rudest, I know. But, really, I did think it was the best. So great. I want to say adorable but I know that sounds condescending.
Swag swore never to sign autographs in front of me anymore. Awwww. They love Swag like nothing else. He is pretty babely.
For some godforsaken reason mwaters has decided to wear a poncho this tour. A yellow one with no shirt on under. I don't know why. But overhearing the girls talk about it was amazing. "I just want to know why".
I just felt like I was watching myself 10 years ago hanging around waiting for Treble Charger to come out and sign my converse-released single (still own, jfyi).



We did a good job on partying at the club, stayed til the end almost. I looked for babes but I found them severely lacking, except the ones I came with of course (chortle chortle sigh).
and I had a bit of a heart-to-heart with mwaters, who has long been on my passive-crush list and is someone I think highly of but don't always know how to communicate with.
mwaters inquired as to why pretty girls are mostly awful humans. I offered that it's because they're always looking for the next best thing.
I'd say that's pretty accurate.
You get an idea of how good you are in your head and look for a date accordingly, the more inflated your sense of self becomes, the more you can't "settle", even if "settling" would maybe land you someone who you'd actually be even and well-matched with.


(haaaaa I like the juxtaposition of my face in the middle of this story)

Not just for pretty people, but for people with bits of money or fame or talent or genius, too. The fear of settling and the desire to land the ultimate best we can get makes us all into assholes.
Totally flawed logic and probably not always done on purpose, but I still think that's what's going on a lot.

If you add on my determination to find people who are a bit insane, romantic, huge-loving, then you can understand why I feel the idea of a sustainable relationship is a bit out of my league and scope of understanding at this juncture.
Although still something I aspire to be able to get to at some point?
Who knows!

In case you were wondering, I find it annoying when people express upset on my behalf of my singledom.

And I feel that I'd get less of that if I were male. Just saying. Busy sowing my wild oats over here these days guy.



Hey, also, have you found that blogs these days are getting really, really awesome? About real things and getting into actual issues? I'm very pleased with this trend. Especially when it's as well executed as it has been lately. 
Today I'm specifically looking at:
Accost and Jones' blog about their attempts at being more reg: two regular men
and
Cpt. Heh's sobriety blog (heartbreaking and necessary): sober in the city

100% more than worth a full read, both of those links.

sick days are almost like treats

today I helped out on Arrow and Mrs.'s short film for a bit, as expected, and then I was so tired and ill-feeling (sigh) that I came home and watched movies and napped. the bright side is that I had nothing I had to do. and it's kind of a treat to be feeling sad and ill when you have the time and space to do it.
is it weird that sick days are almost one of my favourite things?

I watched Love and Other Drugs first before my nap. I used to quite like Anne Hathaway in some things but more and more lately I find her rather insufferable. she isn't vulnerable or open (which this role needed so badly), she's rather smug and over-confident.
I did want to like this movie because I was in the mood for something easy and plus it was directed by Ed Zwick, who is one of the executive producers of My So-Called Life, and therefore has almost won my affections forever.
I didn't like it, though. It's obvious and pointless and sets up ideals for relationships that are ridiculous. It's terribly clichéd and not even particularly visually appealing. It's fine. it was a fine movie, I guess.
Though, bear in mind that I like most things and I didn't really like this. 

Actually, I think I liked that movie better before my nap and especially before I watched Never Let Me Go.
I'm not sure that Never Let Me Go is as good as I'm thinking it is or if it was just too perfect for my mood this evening.
I'm pretty sure it's great. I'm jealous of Carey Mulligan, not just because of how I do think she's really wonderful but also because of the roles she gets. I need these roles. If I were 20% prettier and 40% more trained and got these roles I feel like I could be almost as good.
Should I go back to school? Ha, like I could ever afford it. It's nights like these, though, where I feel that familiar desperate need to be a successful/famous actor (it's like grade 8 again, when I would wake my mum up at 1 in the morning to cry to her in desperation of all I wanted to do. How heartbreaking that I'm not trying in the ways that I should be anymore. when it's been so close and is still so possible.).
The performances in this movie were so engaging and honest, Andrew Garfield and Keira Knightley, as well.. so solid and strong. Ah, man, I wish I wish.
By which I mean, I'll work and work.
Right?

I did some screen-grabs because I found it so visually pleasing. 
I want to live there. Not kidding. Or in the boarding school also featured in this movie. I want to move to England. I want to travel the world. So restless these days. someone sponsor me. Someone send me to theatre school in England.

 Carey Mulligan, I hope you are as lovely in real life as you seem on screen because I dream of being buds with you some day except I also couldn't handle how jealous I'd be I don't think.  Hopefully you're nice though.

 Obviously this makes me homesick for Saskatchewan and the close-ups of the barbwire fence of course of course. But it's very beautiful no matter how you look at it.

 this screen-grab doesn't do this scene justice, but you can kind of get an idea. great cinematography is kind of the best. two hours of beautiful pictures.

I love love the stain glass windows on these doors. Just perfect.
The costumes, too in this movie were so specific and the colours and it all just fit together for me.
Also, it's a heart-breaking little film.
Just what I was in the mood for.

I was going to post the trailer, too. But I hate trailers, and having just viewed this one I think it gives way too much away. So, I suppose, you could just watch that instead of seeing the actual movie. But probably watch the movie instead.

I'll just write my own part, okay. Never mind, I'll get around to it soon here. Don't worry.

Is it strange that serious acting and comedy seem very separate to me these days? I've been thinking lately about making a sketch show (it's been in my mind for quite some time, but I'm starting to organize ideas again), I'm writing a mockumentary based on my life and obsessive tendencies towards babes, and I ruined a take today by being too funny (haaaa more just ridiculous), but that seems to have little to do with getting into the serious, huge, intensive roles I dream of.
I dream of it all. If I dream of it all that means I don't have to take any of it seriously.
I think sometimes of "devoting myself to comedy" (as Ruckus hilariously put it recently) but sometimes I find comedians wearing and too-much. And comedians have tendencies towards self-destruction, depression, and drinking.
Sometimes I don't like the over-the-top nature of comedians, I don't like examining everything all the time for what is funny and what is not funny and why so.
and I do think it's easier for men to do both. women have a hard time being allowed to switch between true comedy and drama.

Or this is all just excuses why not to try for anything. Story of my life.

But, hey, congratulations to me for not going out tonight, I did want to see everyone after the shoot (basically you make movies in order to go for beers afterward, right?) but I am also sick and whiny and need alone time like whoa. 

Maybe I'll stay in for the next little bit, recoup lost time from the binge of party-time I've been having these past couple weeks. We'll see, we'll see.

I feel old, incapable, strong, and strangely hopeful tonight. Not the worst mix, actually.

Plus one glass of white wine, swiss cheese, and some dark chocolate with raspberries. It'll do.

ready reddy

It takes so little to set me off sometimes but, yeah, I'm reactive. In good and bad ways.

I just got this email sent through my acting site with a fake reply email address:

"A Small Thing was just on CBC. You broke my heart. Fantastic performance."

Why the fake email address? I want to be best friends. Or at least have you know that that made my night and make me choke up a bit because it was kind of what I needed to hear. Even though it choked me up.

THEN right after posting that to facebook I checked facebook-mail and got this:

"Hello there. I just watched "A Small Thing" on CBC. I was just about to turn the television off for the night, and then the film came on. I am glad, because I thought it was good, and I thought you were especially good. So I totally creeped the director's name, found the name of the film, found out who you were, and am now creeping to tell you all of this. Anyway, have a pleasant night, keep up the good work, and any other cliche that conveys positive energy towards your acting :) "

Why can't I be on TV every day and have people email me all the time? It hurts my heart and fills me up at the same time.
These dudes are my new favourites.
I'm ready to be a working actor. I'm ready to be really, really good. And successful.


Here's the trailer for Hey, George, which is screening at Worldwide Shorts in June (I'll post the dates/times don't worry).

The director and I are talking next moves, more shorts..
I'm ready to film something.

.

This weekend I worked a concert that was Them Crooked Vultures and opening up for them was Arkells. It was maybe the first time that people I know have played a venue I'm working, and I felt a bit strange about it.
Embarrassed to be working.

Service industry is hard.
In a non-service job you have a boss, maybe a couple of bosses. In service every single customer feels like they are your boss. It's hard not to feel like you're beneath people. Like you're a lower class of person.

I make a stupid amount of money for how much (little) work I do and yet I have to wear an ugly bowling shirt and a name tag and get called "sweetheart" and try to fix everyone's bad moods and cater and pander to asshats.

You know all that.

It was good to see the little buds on stage, though. I was up on 300 so it was a good vantage to see all the people watching them. So funny (and lovely) to watch them singing and playing and leading clap-alongs.
Especially since I don't know if I'd ever even seen them live before, or if I just assumed that I had.

Ha, then I ended up running into both the dudes I (vaguely) know from Arkells as I was leaving (we always close up way before the concert is over). Both just wandering the concourse, wait, no, one was getting his photo taken with fans(!).
Funny because I rarely see co-workers I'm looking for in that giant place, let alone band members who were playing.

It was great, though. I love seeing buds be successful. I assume that's going to be all of us sooner and later, so I'm just getting acclimatised to it...

I ended up at an after-party that wasn't overly-exciting and I didn't see Dave Grohl at all, not once.
But one time (at Edge Fest, remember Edge Fest?) many years ago we sat at the fence and yelled through to the musicians on the other side and Dave Grohl came over and hung with us for a bit.
This was also the day I made bestfriends with Niki, so that means it was the summer before grade 12. Also that day we saw Trevor MacGregor from Treble Charger wandering in the crowd and we were so awestruck that he was there among us and we approached him and at first he denied that it was him but we knew. Pretty funny.
Man, I used to love Treble Charger so hard back then. Before they got shitty.
I still have my signed converse-release Treble Charger single.
Beat that.

had two dolls one named Polly and one named Pollyanna they were twins but one was smaller

My kitchen has never been this clean. I have multiple projects I'm avoiding by cleaning. Amazing. 
I like singing along to french songs more than english ones. except I don't know the words properly. but when I do it's extra rewarding. Plus I think my voice is more tolerable in french. maybe I will make a video about it for you sometime.





Tomorrow (Thursday) I will be telling a story at the Cloak and Dagger. Not just any story but a story to the whole room. this is the event page. Come to it!!! 
I didn't invite that many people on FB because, well, I don't know. But you should come and hear me tell a story that's probably from my life and probably true. 
To be entirely honest I have not decided which story I will tell. But it will probably be super-interesting and possibly embarrassing. 
You will also get to see Cpt. Heh tell a story and also some music! Good music! 
I'm bad at plugging things. 





I thought I felt like going to CMW this week but  I guess I don't really feel like going after all. Which is better on the pocketbook and better on the trying-to-party-less front. But if I were going to go to CMW, these are the people I would see: 


WEDNESDAY

10:  Jason Collett (it doesn't actually say what time exactly but around then) -- Lee's Palace

11: Will Currie and the Country French - Gladstone Ballroom 

Zeus (again don't have an exact time I would bet it'd be closer to midnight or 1 actually) -- Lee's Palace 

12: Gentlemen Husbands (I have never heard of this band but I love that name also apparently they like to party? I'm in.) - Gladstone Ballroom 

1: Fucked Up - El Mocambo 

THURSDAY:

8:30: Magneta Lane - Horseshoe

10: Forest City Lovers - Drake Underground 

The Rhythm Method - Rancho Relaxo 

10:15 Woodhands - Opera House 

11: Timbre Timbre - The Great Hall 

11:30 K-OS - Opera House 

12: Will Currie - Mitzi's Sister

The Sheepdogs (Saskatoon) - Central (could visit Raymi) 

Wordburglar - Rancho Relaxo 

Cadence Weapon - The Garrison 

12:10 Besnard Lakes - Horseshoe

1: The Ghost is Dancing - Silver Dollar 

Flash Lightnin' - Tattoo Rock Parlour 

1:20 Great Bloomers - Horseshoe 

FRIDAY

8ish: CATL (I still think this name is not-great but they're pretty fun) - Comfort Zone

8: Isla Craig and the Continental Drift - Comfort Zone

9: Huron (I just like this name and if you were at Comfort Zone you might as well stay) - Comfort Zone 

10: The D'Ubervilles - The Garrison 

11: Flash Lightnin' - The Supermarket 

12: The Schomberg Fair - Sneaky Dee's

12:10 Hot Hot Heat (leave me alone they are so fun kind of even though they are annoying, I know) - Horseshoe

1:

2: Hmmm there's nothing I'm that into for later eve that I already know about

SATURDAY

9:45: Rural Alberta Advantage - Royal York Indie Awards thing (HOW DO YOU GET ME INTO THIS?oh I see, by buying a $20 ticket. hmm. )

Great Lake Swimmers -  Royal York Indie Awards thing (buy me a ticket?)

10:10 The Beauties - Horeshoe 

11: Grand Analog - Drake Underground 

Sweet Thing - Lee's Palace 

Meligrove Band - The Garrison 

11:30 The Long Haul (I think JVT's in this band but he's in every band) - Mitzi's Sister 

11:45 Constantines -  Royal York Indie Awards thing (come one, who's going to buy me a ticket?)

12: Maylee and Pegwee Power - Bread and Circus 

12:10 Two Hours Traffic - Horeshoe

1: Gentlemen Husbands (still just like that name) - Hideout (is serving until 4 or something!) 

2: Give Us the Daggers (this is a fun band) - Silver Dollar (also serving so late!) 

3: The Darcys - Sneaky Dee's 

I may be in for a show here or there, though. And I may be down for drinking until 4. But that's nothing new. 





Didn't really mean to go out last night but Dollface was out and about and so I went and met up with her at Union and then we went to Sweaty Betty's for beers (Sopporooooooo). Sweaty Betty's had a couple of babes and a lot of awkwardness! Actually, I think that's the story of my life. 
Doll is way better at being nice to people than (then?) I am and humoring people and she can engage pretty much anyone in conversation. I constantly do not realize she wants out of a situation because she seems so relaxed. 
I, on the other hand, am the most consistently rude and and stand-off-ish person I know of. 
I need to hone the skill of being friendly and nice and talking to people I don't have any interest in. I've met people who thought I was the snottiest rudest person and then it turned out that we became best friends. 
Part of it (in my minimal defense) is that I'm quite shy and I also assume that no one really likes me. 
But the (bigger) part of it is that I don't like a lot of people and I have a fear of getting trapped in pointless conversation with people who annoy me. 





I'm going to have to learn to suck it up in order to network properly and become a BIG BIG STAR. Or maybe I'll just be recognized for my excellent talent and people will be so reverent of me that my bad manners won't matter at all! 


Ha, I've noticed that I've started yawning when I'm feeling too awkward. Just the biggest yawns. I think I forget to breathe properly when I'm feeling too stressed by a situation or want to appear aloof. 





My friend one time did a movie with Susan Sarandon and Susan took my friend out to lunch but when my friend gets nervous she just gets super tired and shuts down a bit. So through lunch she just yawned a lot and acting uninterested and standoffish, when really she was quite admiring of Susan Sarandon.





Sorry if I wasn't supposed to blog that story! Tell me if you want me to take it down. Also, when you get to go on Jimmy Kimmel you should definitely tell that story. 

Speaking of Jimmy Kimmel, just in case you haven't seen this: 

I had a dream that I was going on Jimmy Kimmel but I couldn't remember which project I was promoting but then I realized that he wasn't even expecting me as a guest, my mum just wrangled it so that I could sneak on at the last minute.

This is especially funny if you know my mum as she has approximately zero interest in pop culture let alone being a stage mum.

Don't worry, the story I tell tomorrow night will be much more fascinating than that one.

Aaaanyway, holy tangent. At Sweaty Betty's I saw my one Ossington crush (minimal crush, this one). I see him everywhere I go and he's always with a different lady. Pretty awesome! 

Although, to be fair, you could say the same thing about me. I am frequently out with different dudes and different ladies and that's just because I'm the friendliest person. 

A guy bought me and Doll some tequila and we danced around with him and his friends. 

We ate three bags of chips and a pickle. Maybe it'd be best if bars didn't sell chips. Also Dollface had mini-eggs in her bag and the mini-eggs had pop rocks in their shells! What! I ate so many of them. 

As we were leaving a little acquaintance of mine was dancing on the bar. It was just that time of night, I guess. 

Then we went to Lakeview Lunch (because the chips and pickles and mini-eggs weren't enough) and I saw that crush again and he smiled at me but I didn't smile back because I'm too awkward I just yaaawned instead.  

Plus I think that crush is wearing off, I have a bigger one on the mind. mmmmmmmmmmm.

Nothing like a good crush. No, really though. 

A crush, in the good beginning stages, is hard to beat. 

Though I'm wary (in my old age) of things going downhill fast and of being disillusioned and realizing that I don't even really like said babe. (or, worse, that he doesn't like me.) 

I like smug cats. 

ACTRA awards 2010 round-up part 2!

Here's some more pictures!!!



More fun with my Manson co-stars.
This is also around the time where my dress started to not stay up at all! Awesome.



my signature pose.



I love that this woman obviously had no idea of what she was walking through!



I'm really not sure why I feel the need to ruin every picture. It's easier than trying to look pretty, I guess.






See what happens when I try to give you a smile? Gross!



That's better.
Yeah, I think we're getting to the end of the night. Poor google-searchers who link over here looking for lots of pictures of the ACTRA awards, you only get toooo many pictures of me and my friends.



I find it a little hard to believe that I don't have a boyfriend.






I'm lovely and calm and delightful.



Who the fuck is Norman Yeung?



Oh, great, because I wasn't already the shortest of all my friends (especially given that I was wearing cowboy boots, not stilettos)!



Awww, see, there, we both look dreamy. Perfect.



Terrifying.



Ugh, who puts writing on mirrors? Way harder to take pictures in.



Hey look it's this guy again!



He gives thumbs up! I'm not sure to what, but he's giving it.
I just friended him on FB and now I know that he is a model. Whoaaa fancy.



Sure.



Thank god, someone has joined me in my stupid faces campaign.



I have no explanation for this one.



Or this one.
This is around the time when Norman was like "Let's go!"



So he got on his phone and made the plans.
And for some reason he held his hand like that. I don't know why!


Anyway, we headed out around 1, they said it was over then anyway, though there were still a bunch of people around. But we headed to the Embassy in Kensington to meet up with some people. And that was okay.
The best was that I got pizza on my way home from Massimo's because I'm dumb but I felt fine after. So There.


I think that just about rounds-up that evening.


Now I have to figure out what to do with today. It's snowing (finally) so I don't think I'll get around to doing that laundry I promised myself I would do today. Too bad for me!
I did make rice pudding, though. And I do have annoying hormones, so I will probably just go ahead and take this opportunity to do nothing (which is not unusual in any way).


I have NO shifts at work right now and it's so stupid. I need to get another job, I know I keep saying that.
Anyway, in the meantime I have to not spend any money ever.
So, who wants to do free things with me?
And who wants to take me out on the town??