on whether to look for my donor father...

(you guys all know I was born of donor insemination, yeah? that information is crucial for the rest of this entry. haa, obvi!)

So, on Friday (I think), I received an email from another woman who was born of donor insemination in Saskatoon in the same time period as I was. Actually, both her and her sister were.
She found me through my post on this website, which is intended to match donor-siblings and offspring to donors.

HA, OFFSPRING. what a detached thing to be called!

I'd actually completely forgotten about that website, and had stopped paying to access the other donor sibling registry, and had not even ever responded to the email from the one donor (probably not my bio-dad) who had contacted me years ago.

If you know me, you know that one of my main priorities is not worrying. I don't like worrying and I don't like being upset about stuff. And there's no point in worrying about things you can't control, like if you don't have a father.
Instead, I would generally prefer to embrace the differences in my life. My mum is my ultimate favourite person in the world that I've ever heard of. No denying. I would give anything to have her in my life forever and ever and ever. I can't imagine having a better parent than her and I say that in all sincerity. I would choose this situation again above any other option.
So, no dad? I guess that's shitty. I for sure have issues with not quite understanding men and the like because of it. But I'm also still awesome. I was loved beyond loved and couldn't have asked for a better supportive extended family...
There just isn't any point being upset about it! I'd rather make jokes!



But, today I'm upset. I'm upset like I was when I was an angsty 12 year old angry at my mother and furious at not having a father.
Actually, I can't even remember when was an actual time I was super upset about this situation. As a child, I guess. Mostly when I was mad at my mum, I guess? When I needed something to be upset about?
It's a good fall-back if you feel like feeling sad about something, that's for sure.

I guess it's lucky that my brother and I both just look like we belong to our family. Like there was never any doubt we were my mother's kids and never any doubt that we were wanted.
And I think it's completely different having no dad at all with a top-notch mum, instead of a dad who you know isn't related to you. I have zero concept of what that situation would be like.
But then, all families are different. No family dynamic is the same. Ever.

I've never felt like I'm missing anything. I mean, it's fun to think about my bio-dad, on account of I imagine him being the super-coolest and a right-on rad dude who is adorable. But it's just a fantasy. A cool fantasy that makes me feel nice.

Now because of all this I'm having shitty dreams about driving down to Buffalo to track down my donor who turns out to be an awful shumshy-faced drunk with watery eyes!
UGH.

But this woman has a few good points. We are almost 30. Who knows how old our donors are now. Or if they are even alive. Who knows their medical history or if we're accidentally marrying extended family members....

My bio-dad could be dead at this point!
The fact is that I will probably never meet him.
Which should be fine. I mean, I don't know him, he's nothing to me. Except I just always assumed at some point things would work themselves out so that I would meet him. And I expected that at some point I would meet all my bio-siblings...

I don't really think about this all that much, but, it's FUCKING BANANAS that I almost certainly have half-siblings out there who could be my buds RIGHT NOW if only I knew who they were.

Is this the time I go on an actual hunt? Is this the moment I assumed would come at some point? Do I now place ads in newspapers, try to get interviews on news programs, organize a BBQ for all donors and offspring from that time period?
(considering it.)

If my bio-dad or her bio-dad (they could be the same one, of course, though probably unlikely) want to be found then it would be easy. If he does not then it will be impossible. Literally. We are powerless in this situation. And I guess, yeah, she's in her full rights to be mad about that.

She's right to be mad that the records with the only indication of who HALF OF OUR GENETICS are from were destroyed.
She's right to be mad that at the very least offspring from the same donors who are looking for each other shouldn't have access to that information. We could all be looking for each other.

We, the offspring, signed no papers saying we wouldn't look for our donors. We signed no papers saying we didn't need to know who are siblings are.
I strongly believe we are entitled to ask whatever questions we want to. And maybe this woman's reaction to the situation is different than mine, but she's entitled to do any digging she sees fit because we had no say in the situation. And because they weren't just making offspring, they were making humans who grow up and feel they have a right to know about themselves...

I still feel very, very lucky to be alive. And I wouldn't be here without this process. But, yeah, I guess I would like to know who my bio-dad is. And even more so I would like to know who my other siblings are.

Ha, I would like to have money too so I could DNA test everyone I could possibly be related to!


(haaaha baby me at the window. over-dramatic illustration for this post!)


I guess bottom-line, I'd like to either meet my bio-dad or know that he has no interest in meeting me. I think I could stomach that. It seems almost fair. At least then I'd know he's not the sort of person I need to know!

So I guess that means I'll have to look at some point. And the sooner the better if I actually want success... I don't know if it's right now. But it probably should be.

The worst part is, I've always known I wanted to look, but I also don't want to look because once I've exhausted the few avenues, then I will have failed.
And failing at finding family seems like a hard place to be in.

might as well jump

ever just hang out with your fam and put your hands on your faces? We do!
there was almost certainly a lot of bossing going on before this photo was taken.

bet my mum wishes she didn't have such blurry children. haahaaa ugh, sorry. terrible joke.
My bro's been bugging me to post these photos for awhile and since I'm SUCH A GOOD SISTER I'm finally getting around to it. You're welcome, brother mistletoe.


People really like my mum. I don't know why. Except she's probably the kindest. Oh, we've been over this before? Well neverrrr mind, then.

E and I both kind of look like her and like each other. We have different biodads, though so it's okay if we're not like twinners or something. I'd like to see E's biodad, that'd be a trip.
Also, my biodad, obvi.


No, really, guys. Menu time.
Sorry for not photographing other people at this table. Well, at least we got some family portraits done.

I like Las Palapas. I miss Saskatoon. Always this time of year I miss Saskatoon. I kind of think I will only be able to afford to once this year. Via has last minute fares that are only like $150 right now. I wish.


ready?

yeeeah

fucking nailed the landing.
hahaha gremlin face on me, hey!

I've had a fucking craving and a half for that weird do-it-yourself soup I get at Las Palapas. Anyone know what that shit's called? I tried to make something like it... it was just alright.


Goddamn, I am one fine specimen. Where did they find the sperm donor to make such a lovely and delicate flower of a lady?
Haa, E looks rather handsome here, too bad about me ruining this photo.

Yeah so I'm home again. Alone. Again.
Not spending money, not socializing. I spent noooo money today. Beat that. Not even a coffee or anything.

I get busy starting this weekend basically, start having a lot more shifts and making money money money.
Remind me that I need to not go out as much, still. And that I need to start using my dollars to pay my bills and act like an adult and shit.
No, don't remind me. I'll only want to punch you.

Clothing swap at  Russet & Empire tomorrow! I am excited for new clothes and wine and new buds. All of that!
And clothing swaps have definitely been saving me in these frugal times. I think half my wardrobe now is swapped. Amazing.
Let me know if you want to come along, obviously.


In other news:

Mini-flask necklaces!



I've had questions on where/how to get these and for how much, etc.
The young ladies pulling cans of PBR out of their bags in the bar washroom were very impressed by them! Plus, it's the one gift I've gotten Dollface that she has truly appreciated. Hahaaa.



I was considering making an etsy page but I don't really want to give them a percentage. How about if you just tell me if you want one and I'll make it happen?



$15/each
$25/two (great gifts!)
$5/shipping (Canada and U.S.)
less if you need, 20 if you're rich. (I don't know anyone rich now that I think of it.)
plus if you're a bud, it'll come pre-filled. haahaaa so handy. and if you live/work anywhere within a reasonable distance of me, I'll deliver it. I mean, I don't have anything else to do, really.


The blue one in the middle there, that's my favourite. I can't deal with how much I like that pattern. I made two. One for me, one for you. 



Okay. So buy one. I can do special requests in terms of the paper that covers them, also. If you have ideas, let me know.

BYE NOW.

getting past being bad without giving up

I love the internet!
Okay so a cool vague-friend of mine (and fellow blogger), Nicole on FB today posted a link to this video:

Ira Glass (of This American Life) on the creative process.

MAN THIS HAS HIT HOME.

Okay so what he's saying is that for artists they get into making art because they have good taste. They admire the art form that they are trying to make. TV, film, comedy, theatre, etc etc and so they know what's good and have discerning tastes but when you start to make art there's a gap period where the art you make cannot live up to your discerning tastes and during that gap a lot of people quit. (or make shitty stuff and pretend it's high-brow?????? jk?)
So much sense!

I always feel (like the deservist entitled young person that I am) that I should magically be able to do everything perfect right off the bat. If I have to actually work at something and produce shitty stuff before it's good then I"m obviously not naturally talented and it's obviously not worth it.

I'm going to ahead and blame my mother partially at least on this one because my mother is a genius and was older when she had me so had a lot of time to get good at a lot of different things and so she makes arts and crafts and photography and sewing and even building look effortless. Okay okay not effortless, just not as ridiculously hard as I find them.
Ha, she is still probably 50% more talented than I am except at acting probably and maybe being funny. Except she's funny in a different way. Like more puns. hahaaaa

BUT
the only reason why I'm able to be as good at things as I am now (nowhere near where I'd like to be but still pretty okok) is because she's backed me up on pretty much everything. And is the ultimate best at complimenting my achievements. Plus I'm pretty sure she actually believes in me.

Ugh, why don't I explain why I love my mum some more, eh? grosssssssss
hahaaa my little cousin asked my mum if she were vegetarian and she said something along the lines of
"I'm 95% vegetarian and the rest of the time I'm just a hypocrite"

ahahahaaaaa classic.

ANYWAY
I read this pilot yesterday written by a woman a couple of years younger than me which is TOPNOTCH and it made me want to punch myself in the eyes.
Just kidding it inspired me. I have never been able to take myself seriously like I could never create to the degree which I would be satisfied with so there's no point in trying. But these days I'm reexamining it... I think I maybe do have excellent ideas and I have to stop psyching myself out about it.

YEAH.

Also I reread the first 15 pages I wrote awhile ago of a feature I have in mind and it was surprisingly good. So There.
Now I just need to write another 75 pages and we'll be good to go.

Stole these photes from my SubRosa friend! Ammmmaaazing. I love almost-cute.
Aw man imagine if I met biodad and he looked like this? Adorable. 

Hmm well now I've avoided doing any real work for long enough maybe I'll get to it. Or maybe I'll just make some soup. We'll see!

okay okay sun, I see you, I'll go to bed now!

I owe you something for your monday morning.

I'm going to sleep in as late as possible.
I can't believe I kept up this party-attitude throughout this weekend.  All my interiors hurt right now.

Sometimes I think about having a boyfriend and I get the creeps. Occasionally it's something I think I want, and then when I consider it further, it seems like the worst idea ever.
The shit people put up with! hahaaaa jk I'm stable and nice and could possibly settle down at some point.



Happy Fathers Day!

I am not a dad and I do not have a dad, but I suppose some people have them! I've even met some dads and some people who have dads!

I'd like to wish an extra-special thanks and well-wishes to my bio-dad (Meredad, as I like to call him), for donating sperm and making me!

There's a bit more of a detailed entry here about my bio-dad...   Ha, it's funny how quickly one can feel embarrassed by past writings.

Okay this entry obviously isn't about anything.

I made gluten-free cookies tonight and now I'm eating them all to bits!!

HAPPY FATHERS DAY BIODAD (and mostly to my mum)

"I thought today was father's day, but it is apparently not. Good thing. Still got a whole nother week to search him, find him, get to know him, buy him a gift and then give it to him (no generic golf-themed gifts for this girl's dad).
Not to mention then have some sort of buffet brunch! "
- Me a week before fathers day last year

not so much of a secret.

Here's an interesting Post Secret


I just want to make sure that it's clear that I don't feel that way at all. Not even a little bit, not even at all.
And maybe it's the (maybe made-up) information that my donor dad was a really kind human who wanted to help make families. Or maybe it's that I turned out alright.
But probably it's the fact that I feel like if anyone deserved the chance to be a mum, it's my mum. Because she is the best and smartest person that I know of, and (un-biasedly) she is so good with little ones.
And even better with her own little (and now not-so-little) ones.





[Merry Christmas Mumma, that's all you're getting!]

snot true

Here's an email I received today. It is a response to a listing I posted on a donor insemination registry website.


Dear Meredith:

Last night I listened to the Ideas programme on CBC Radio. It was about artificial insemination and the search by offspring for donor fathers and siblings. After listening to the programme it prompted me to look on the internet for sites to list contact information. I found your listing and I thought I should contact you. I was a donor in the programme in Saskatoon at the time you were conceived, however, I doubt that I am the one. The donor is described as very funny and I don't think I am very funny. Congenial, perhaps. I am 6 feet tall with dark brown hair, eye colour is blue, actually sort of blue-green. I do have freckles. The most recent of my ancestors arrived in Canada from northern England in 1835. If you are interested to ask any questions, please feel free to send me an e-mail and I will give you a telephone number.

Best wishes,

****

Hmm.

While nothing discounts him completely from being that Biodad of mine, it does seem pretty unlikely.

I think I'm still interested in contacting him (maybe even more so, knowing he isn't my relation) and seeing what it's like being in the other side of my boat. Especially from the same situation. Same doctors, same procedure. Similar experience to that of Biodad.

.

Set was amazing today. I did good work I think (or at least was told continuously). The best compliment I received was from the product client who sought me out afterwards to say
"I hope that this spot serves you as well as it will serve us, because it is very funny and people should be lined up to use you"

Then we, of course, made jokes about how "using" me maybe wasn't the classiest way of putting it and so on and so forth.

The boy acting opposite me was really great. Very confident and calm. And funny, of course.
But he reminded me so much of my old BFF/one time BF (twice involved, off and on best friend). And so my heart ached gently all day looking at him.
I'm constantly missing people.

I love being the star of the show. I gotta say, when things revolve around me, I am way more happier. Also, making jokes with the crew and getting them all on my side is also my favourite. One camera guy and I called each other every derogatory/cutesy name we could think of. Then I topped it off with "dinkus" and that really seemed to stick.

I've never eaten so many pieces of gum in my life. It's pretty good gum though. But I didn't get a lifetime supply.
.

I'm sick as a dog again. I can't seem to kick this. It's sort of ridiculous. I left improv early yesterday (and I never miss improv! or the drinking afterwards!) but luckily not before my most insane/beyond over-the-top strange classmate rhymed "chin" with "nipple". Maybe she just doesn't understand rhyming?

I'm gooing out every facial orifice. I'm disgusting. And so sick of being sick. I'm glad I held it together on set and kept my voice even through the countless blood-curdling screams I produced.

But I have two auditions tomorrow. One for Best Buy. I've been called back for two different Best Buy commercials and have not landed one yet and so I refuse to take them seriously.
But I still have to get it together. Maybe not snot all over the casting peeps.
Or maybe I will.