sickish

Been feeling kind of sickish this weekend and took the opportunity to huddle-down with Netflix and cats.

Yep, both of them slept beside my legs. I wasn't allowed to touch Béa of course or she'd nip at me. But still!

It's nice to have a bit to sit around and feel sorry for myself and wallow in melancholy and all that. Sometimes even when I know things are for the best, it's still sad for a minute. That's okay, that's okay.

So, I just watch TV forever.
Movies movies movies.
I watched The Other Woman and Fish Tank on Saturday while feeling whiny. Cool moves. Both are good! Cried all evening. So cool!

The Other Woman

Don't watch this trailer unless you like knowing everything about movies. I don't like knowing anything about movies before I watch them.
I feel like the name of this one is misleading. This is more than about being the other woman, it's a study of greif and family and desires versus realities and how hard love in all forms can be.
I cried through all of it, basically, obviously.

Fish Tank

this trailer is good, doesn't give it all away.
This one is at times slightly hard to watch, kind of disturbing. But beautiful and honest in a way that I really like. Strong performances and quite heartbreaking.

Saturday night after watching those I concluded that comedy is pointless and all I'd ever want to create is beautiful, difficult, art. I only want to play sad characters and make heartbreaking movies for you to cry over.
Ha!
No, I do feel like that sometimes and I have an irrationally strong fear (irrational because this would require even mild success on my behalf) of being pigeonholed in comedy and not taken seriously as a dramatic actor.
hahahahaahahaaaaaaaaa
HAAHAHAHA
HAHAAH
ohhhh lordy, Meredith. What cool moves you have, being worried about things that will never happen because you never do any work.

Have I said anything about Tiny Furniture?

I've been wanting to see this for awhile (ever since I hear about this woman born in 1986 getting her own new drama for HBO based on this one feature, basically) and now it's on Netflix!
This film is so good. so good.
I mean, I knew that this film was basically designed for me exactly, but still. So much about it. Particularly the body image/appearance stuff and the young creative class stuff and the stuff about dating these days, etc, etc, etc.



I've heard some funny resolutions this year and one of my favourites has been Violet's resolution to become a good gift-giver. As long as I've known her, Violet has not been interested in the sport of gift-giving, in any capacity. But she's starting to get good!
Anyhow, I sort of forced her into buying me some awesome metal snowflakes, and she also got me this pearl necklace.

Pretty!
Extra useful since I've been looking to become a more classy of lady and I've pretty much exclusively been wearing pearl studs.

(as an aside, Nic didn't know what a pearl necklace meant, in sex-terms, until yesterday. she thought it meant "oral sex, in general". I love her.)


(also Killary got me this Merry Mistletoe lip gloss for Christmas and it is more than fitting and makes me smile to look at it.)

It turns out, for me, 28 is the year that I start being mildly nervous of aging. It all starts to go so quick!
They say your perception of time speeds up the older you get and so each year seems quicker than the last and I would say that that is true, true, true!

What did I yell at a bar the other day? "IT'S GETTING TOO LATE FOR ME TO PRETEND TO ANYONE I DON'T WANT A MILLION BABIES"
classsssssssssssic, beyond classic.



Soooo. I think I'm in love with Odette.
Look how stoic and patient she is with me! What a sweet, soft darling. Like a baby seal pup.
She is just so, so lovely. What did I do with my time before I had cats to chase around all day?
My roommate is out of town so the cats are forced to be friends with me. I went to sleep with both (!) of them sleeping on my bed and I woke up with both (!) of them still there. Miracles of miracles. I bet they had a billion adventures galloping around in the night, though.
I wonder how many hours and hours of my life I've wasted away spending time trying to make cats pay attention to me...

We had our first meeting with our new improv team and coach last night but beforehand we may or may not have passed a bottle of $6.95 wine and talked about our feelings. I loved it. We loved it.
Then the meeting/work went really well. I've missed improv! (we've been doing premise work and writing more with my con class these days, getting away from regular improv and long-form)
So I reversed my position on doing only sad, sad, big, important art and went back to thinking that in order for me to have the best, most funtime ever that improv and comedy as a whole are going to continue being 100 billion times important to me.
Obviously, obviously.
Aaand I love my team. Serious, fierce love right now for them. So excited for getting to work and play with them.


(this cranberry jalapeno jelly from my friend is so, so, so good! jfyi.)

she didn't put out, though

guess for how long I generally hit the snooze button?
an hour!
I always have such good intentions for the mornings or even early afternoons and then I just snooze-button through them.
it's not the worst. I am not the worst these days. I'm still getting things done. A lot of work this weekend and a lot a lot of the best kind of socializing.




I'm better at having fun these days. I keep thinking I was always good at having fun but I'm pretty sure that's not the case.
Partially now it's because I have systematically friended all of the most wonderful people in the universe to be my bffs and hang out with me.
These days I can generally find someone I quite, quite like to accompany me to shows I want to go to or hang out with me until 4 a.m. or have coffee in the middle of the afternoon with me.
this is a big contribution to my overall well-being and general happiness these days.
Also, possibly a factor, is my continued commitment to being in charge of my own fun, and my constant resolutions to avoid unnecessary stress. I'm not the boss of these yet, but hopefully some day.
And with that I hope to (somehow) marry being a good worker with being the happiest.
It's all in the works (by 50 I will have figured it out, maybe... but, hey, nothing really actually matters, so that's alright!).




The other night I came home after a long shift and told Norman that I'd probably stay in for the evening. Of course that meant that he came over and we stayed up until something like 4 or 4:30 drinking whiskey and talking about love and art. We were joined by Yulie and her bf and even by our other bud around 3 in the morning.




Norman and I curled up under the Christmas duvet on the couch and reveled in our heart-breaks and our big future plans, and mulled over our current life situations.
Kind of a perfect way to spend an evening.
even the sadnesses sometimes are lovely if you can detach enough to get perspective. Sadness is reassuring because it can be proof of good-hearts and investment in things.





Last night Flash Gordon took me out on the town for a big date to celebrate my birthday and Christmas!



She knows about my current interest in dates and how I never go on them and took the opportunity to take me out on the town and show me a good time!


She got me flowers and gifts! whatthehell! the gifts were the best because they were re-gifts and found things which makes me so much less uncomfortable! Plus they were awesome.

Also, this may be obvious already but it can't hurt to tell you again, I love Flash Gordon.
Haaaa, we went to comedy bar on Sunday and in the bathroom I asked her about if she loves me. She does.
It's funny how some friendships are quick and strong right away and some sneak up on you until you turn around and realize that you're accidentally the best at being friends.
Flash Gordon and I worked together at the stadiums for years now and did a Fringe play that she wrote maybe three summers ago (four? two?) and even after that it took us quite awhile to realize how we should spend more time together.
I think it started when we started going for sushi after work together. So it was nice that we did that again for our special date!




sushi dinner and white wine!

hhaaahaa. so fun. I felt awkward about it being our big date. that's my classic move, feeling awkward on dates.



We went to see Hugo in 3D after dinner. I'd never been to a 3D movie before! I like Hugo well enough. I wasn't blown away by it, but it was nice. 3D is weird. I got a little bored of it after awhile, I found it harder to concentrate on the story because the 3D was distracting me.


on our way out I told Flash Gordon that she wasn't being a good date because she wasn't spooning me on the escalators down like the other couple there, so she happily obliged.


hahaha :) awwww
Flash Gordon and I think each other are the funniest and we fall over laughing at our own selves mostly every few minutes. THAT IS THE ULTIMATE FUN.

We thought about kissing at the end of the date, but... I'm a lady, so...

what a lucky lady I am most days these days, guys.

Aw man, nothing like counting your blessings and thinking about how much you love your friends to get you in a good mood. Now I feel fantastic.

Gotta get to crafting and then shopping and then working tonight!
So, so much to do and it's about to get crrrrazy busy for here on in!

Friday night is my birthday Christmas get-together, Sophiyka and Mike's Christmas party is Saturday and then I'm hosting the Christmas edition of Mixtape Club on Sunday and then I work Monday and then home on Tuesday. JESUS! yikes! wonderful!
so much to do!

I want to see everyone before I go, and I want to see everyone in Saskatoon so bad!
it's finally starting to feel like the holidays!
it comes so slow and goes too fast!

this new life

I still have little interest in the internet. I'd rather be decorating, arranging, considering, planning.
Setting up house!

It's still fun around here, in case you were concerned (haaaa, anyone who's on my fb or twitter feed has no worries about my state of mind these days) (Mrs. came over last evening and she was like "you're so happy right now" yeeeeeeahhh).

Last night Onesie and I had wine/cider on my front balcony and talked about babes forever and ever and about how happy we are to be living together and it's nice in a way that she's only here for two months because I'm not too worried about getting sick of her. But it's bad because so far she's a great roommate and how are we going to replace her?

I don't have time to upload pictures because I'm considering getting started on clothes mountain.
But, look, that zombie short I'm in is online now!


Now you can watch it, Mother, since you don't love me and didn't get around to it at Christmastime.
Also, I'm not really in it much, but if you only want to see me then fast forward towards the end!

I ate Saturday

Does my face look a bit tan? Kind of, hey?
It's mostly just red all the time because that's how it is. Natural! But I've been out in the sun way more now that I take the dog out in the daytime. It's nice. I have been remembering my 45 spf sunscreen but maybe I will need to bump it up even more. Or get a hat. Yeeeaaahhhat.


Big game tonight for the Canucks.... If we win this one then we're in the final two.
See what I did there? I made like I was a Canuck. Which is weird since I've never even played hockey.
I downloaded the Canuck app for my phone.
So dumb!
I'm excited that I don't have to work tonight so that I can get prime real estate at the bar with Norman and Carla Ghee and we can get super intense and oooo and ahhh all we want.
Yeah huh.
I have to find some Canucks colours to wear!

I went to see Bridesmaids last night with a bunch of nice ladies.

Honestly,  it's fine to watch the trailers for this movie because so much of the stuff in the trailers isn't in the movie!
I hate knowing anything about films before I watch them because I don't like expectations, but also I like watching trailers. Weird conflict of desires I have. It's best if I can see a trailer far enough in advance that I forget everything that happens in it!

I really loved this movie!
It's a specific type of humour I guess, and I can see why people wouldn't love it like I did... but... I generally think that Kristen Wiig is a bit of a genius so I was obviously on her team from the get-go.

Also, I think they really nailed the relationships between the women. Sometimes you're friends by convenience and sometimes you're still friends even when maybe it doesn't make sense anymore.
And sometimes it's worth it to keep fighting for a friend who actually fully gets you. 
In it Kristen Wiig's character feels a bit left behind when her bff's life gets perfect and her life is falling apart.
I definitely know about that a bit. Both Violet and Dollface are working on Bay street these days and I just drink every night. Not that my life isn't the funnest, but I don't own any suits, and will almost certainly never belong to any country clubs... it's easy to let yourself feel awkward about not being the successful one, even in a friendship.
I have a pretty good handle on not getting worried about those kinds of things. And I'm a pretty big deservist who feels entitled to all the good things in life without ever wanting to work for them, so at least I never feel like I'm less-than Violet and all her law friends, and Dollface and all her financial peeps.
Mostly.

Although, I do find it mystifying that people can figure out how to have relationships with others, how to move in, how to get married, how to have babies.....
We all know it's the babies I'm after, but all that before stuff? How does anyone even do that!?
Do not comprehend! Cannot fathom!



Anyway, I recommend this movie. And I will say that I think that Melissa McCarthy who played "Megan" really stole quite a few scenes and was just really genius in a way that I never would have expected knowing her only from Gilmore Girls..

I'm pleased as well that there are virtually no male characters. Not that I think we necessarily need to go swinging the entire opposite way but I am fucking tired of seeing all men all the time only interacting with men and even every supporting character is a man. Boring!
Women! All women all the time!

Apparently this is the first feature that Kristen Wiig and Annie Mumolo wrote? I want to know how much mentoring they got on this? It's pretty well structured. And funny!
I'm betting lots of improving (which I am all for) and letting people run with things.
Goddamn this is the type of movie I want to work on.



When I got home last night I worked a bit on a project I've had in the beginning stages forever.
The character I'd been working on for myself wasn't funny at all, I realized. I'm not sure how that happened.
I think I was think if it were a romantic comedy the protagonist had to be appealing and sweet, and wouldn't be allowed to be super funny.
changed that now. Writing her way more funny and obnoxious now (hopefully).

It's becoming clearer that I could benefit from sort of screen-writing workshop. I always assume I can do anything if I would only get around to it.
I need help on structure, though. And I need help keeping things going.



My ears aren't particularly small. I was full-term. Is that why? When I was a baby the light shone through them. Maybe it still does a little bit.
You'd  think I'd wash or brush my hair before taking several pictures of myself but you would be wrong wrong wrong.




All floral-prints all the time this summer, yeah?


I bet I'll be blogging a lot more this week as I fully procrastinate having to back up my entire life....
I'm having a bad stress day about having to leave this home. It'll be fine. Everything will all be fine. I get along with everyone and am very easy-going. (or will be... maybe sometime...)


cool I have a pimple that looks like a bindi. Beat that.

complainte pour ste. catherine

Wrapping up my trip to Montreal now.

I'm at Santropol eating this salad:


It is very good. It's like nachos but also a salad with chili. Why not? I'm not going to eat the croutons so if you are in the neighbourhood you have half an hour to get over here and eat them.

We didn't really party to the moon too badly, which is kind of alright. I'd say this trip has been more relaxing than partying. Oh, and eating.
I slept a lot. Lettie had an extra double bed for Carlos and I to share and goddamn it was comfortable. Suuuper soft but not too soft and big and I just slept forever and ever.
Also my attic is super bright and so I'm used to feeling a bit guilty about sleeping past noon because I can forsure tell what time it is the moment I even begin to wake up. Not this room, though, quite dark and easy to sleep your life away in. In a good way.



I'm glad I slept in today though because I'm taking the bus back basically overnight. I felt like since I always sleep in transit it might as well be at regular sleeping hours. But it probably won't be suuuper relaxing..

I feel like being a good sleeper is a good skill and valuable. I plan on continuing to hone this skill and value it.
I find thinking about nice things and having a tiny self-satisfied smug smile on my face always helps me fall asleep.
Also just catching on to any images that are floating around in my head and following them where, not letting my rational thoughts get in the way of the images becoming events which become dreams. Ya know?



I have nothing exciting to write in private blog from this weekend. Ya know, I didn't even see that many sweet beardy-longhairs. And all the ones I did see were with beautiful ladies.
Ladies with natural-coloured hairs and messy ponytails and effortless outfits and slouchy boots and lazily-slung backpacks.
Confidence, man, confidence is the number one sexiest thing.
Oh, and being good-looking.

and then humour.
We went to see some Sunday night improv last night on Ste. Catherine and there was one guy who was sooo appealing because of how much energy he had and how strong and funny he was. Sigh.

I should probably start doing improv again, hey? OBVIOUSLY.



Carlos is gone back to Saskatoon now and Lettie has her final final tomorrow and so I'm on my own this evening, which is rather nice.

I'm going to hang out for a bit here and finish internetting and then I'm thinking I'll wander around then maybe go see Daydream Nation.
Anyone seen this? It sounds like nothing if not up-my-alley and I'll look to like and hopefully have fun.
I'm not that hard to please (lies).



I'm missing all my Toronto buds. Does that sound nutso? Probably. I got a series of texts at around 4 a.m. the other night (luckily they didn't wake Carlos!) from Norman, Carla Ghee, and Firehorse who were all partying to the moon forever without me. (one included the phrase "suck a dick" which I'm not sure if that was intended to be rude or not...)
Whatever, guys, I party with you every day alright.

But I will be glad to be getting back to Hoops for the playoffs. hahaha who am I!

Hey look, my Bud at the Chinatown dinner we were at late last night was a Canucks fan:

right on.

Oh, I've also seen a buttload of hot dads (or DILFs as Lettie won't stop saying haaaa gross). Do I have to move here to find hot babes to have babies with me? hmmmm? 

sometimes we're up sometimes we're down!

"next time you see me, give me a glass of water and a punch in the chin" - friend who went out drinking more without me last night at 2:45

YIKES



I'm going to call that friend Firehorse. Why? because.
He is one of the band of pals who are being the ultimate worst influences on me these days. And me on them. the problem is that at least one of us will want to go out. which means we convince the others. It's bad. it's pretty bad.

okay we're going to cool it. soon.

Next week I have no work so maybe I will cocoon and work hard by myself? That seems likely!

more random photos from recently:


looks like toys! little tiny fun toys!


Archie face! Sooooo cute. Am I a dog person now? (not really.)



hooooooooooooooooops (hoops is ruining our lives. we love it there. We seriously cannot get enough of that shit.)


coffee with sarahb. guess what we talked about?
(babes.)


it's light out all the time now.
Actually I'm going to go out right now, and it's getting sunnier and sunnier and weathernetwork is promising me +9 at 5 p.m! sprrrrrrring ssspring!
Going over to bdwf's to organize his tax shit. Hahahahaaaaa! I'll do anything for money. Well not quite. HJs only. ahahaaha when has an hj not been awkward?
uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh sorry family.

maybe bdwf will be down for going outside at 5 p.m. to check if it's +9 or not.


HERE ARE SOME FUNNY VIDEOS FOR YOU:

this actually kills me. it's amazing. his face is amazing.


Sara Hennessy has a new webseries!

"Sara Gets Spontaneous and Mysterious" from Sara Hennessey on Vimeo.
So good! And featuring some of the funniest babes/babettes around!
Obviously now I am called to action even moreso for making my own damn webseries. Actually watch this though because I like it. And go to the website for the next episodes.

THIS IS AMAZING:

What the fud? from Philipp G. Berg on Vimeo.
sorry, but it is.
I found this so funny that even though I watched it very drunk at 3 a.m. when someone posted it on facebook I still woke up laughing about it.
Beat that.

dudes, guys, wish me luck on staying in tonight, hey?

And anyone who wants to come see New Year tomorrow with us, hit me up. Supporting local films made by our buds! hurrah!

sick days are almost like treats

today I helped out on Arrow and Mrs.'s short film for a bit, as expected, and then I was so tired and ill-feeling (sigh) that I came home and watched movies and napped. the bright side is that I had nothing I had to do. and it's kind of a treat to be feeling sad and ill when you have the time and space to do it.
is it weird that sick days are almost one of my favourite things?

I watched Love and Other Drugs first before my nap. I used to quite like Anne Hathaway in some things but more and more lately I find her rather insufferable. she isn't vulnerable or open (which this role needed so badly), she's rather smug and over-confident.
I did want to like this movie because I was in the mood for something easy and plus it was directed by Ed Zwick, who is one of the executive producers of My So-Called Life, and therefore has almost won my affections forever.
I didn't like it, though. It's obvious and pointless and sets up ideals for relationships that are ridiculous. It's terribly clichéd and not even particularly visually appealing. It's fine. it was a fine movie, I guess.
Though, bear in mind that I like most things and I didn't really like this. 

Actually, I think I liked that movie better before my nap and especially before I watched Never Let Me Go.
I'm not sure that Never Let Me Go is as good as I'm thinking it is or if it was just too perfect for my mood this evening.
I'm pretty sure it's great. I'm jealous of Carey Mulligan, not just because of how I do think she's really wonderful but also because of the roles she gets. I need these roles. If I were 20% prettier and 40% more trained and got these roles I feel like I could be almost as good.
Should I go back to school? Ha, like I could ever afford it. It's nights like these, though, where I feel that familiar desperate need to be a successful/famous actor (it's like grade 8 again, when I would wake my mum up at 1 in the morning to cry to her in desperation of all I wanted to do. How heartbreaking that I'm not trying in the ways that I should be anymore. when it's been so close and is still so possible.).
The performances in this movie were so engaging and honest, Andrew Garfield and Keira Knightley, as well.. so solid and strong. Ah, man, I wish I wish.
By which I mean, I'll work and work.
Right?

I did some screen-grabs because I found it so visually pleasing. 
I want to live there. Not kidding. Or in the boarding school also featured in this movie. I want to move to England. I want to travel the world. So restless these days. someone sponsor me. Someone send me to theatre school in England.

 Carey Mulligan, I hope you are as lovely in real life as you seem on screen because I dream of being buds with you some day except I also couldn't handle how jealous I'd be I don't think.  Hopefully you're nice though.

 Obviously this makes me homesick for Saskatchewan and the close-ups of the barbwire fence of course of course. But it's very beautiful no matter how you look at it.

 this screen-grab doesn't do this scene justice, but you can kind of get an idea. great cinematography is kind of the best. two hours of beautiful pictures.

I love love the stain glass windows on these doors. Just perfect.
The costumes, too in this movie were so specific and the colours and it all just fit together for me.
Also, it's a heart-breaking little film.
Just what I was in the mood for.

I was going to post the trailer, too. But I hate trailers, and having just viewed this one I think it gives way too much away. So, I suppose, you could just watch that instead of seeing the actual movie. But probably watch the movie instead.

I'll just write my own part, okay. Never mind, I'll get around to it soon here. Don't worry.

Is it strange that serious acting and comedy seem very separate to me these days? I've been thinking lately about making a sketch show (it's been in my mind for quite some time, but I'm starting to organize ideas again), I'm writing a mockumentary based on my life and obsessive tendencies towards babes, and I ruined a take today by being too funny (haaaa more just ridiculous), but that seems to have little to do with getting into the serious, huge, intensive roles I dream of.
I dream of it all. If I dream of it all that means I don't have to take any of it seriously.
I think sometimes of "devoting myself to comedy" (as Ruckus hilariously put it recently) but sometimes I find comedians wearing and too-much. And comedians have tendencies towards self-destruction, depression, and drinking.
Sometimes I don't like the over-the-top nature of comedians, I don't like examining everything all the time for what is funny and what is not funny and why so.
and I do think it's easier for men to do both. women have a hard time being allowed to switch between true comedy and drama.

Or this is all just excuses why not to try for anything. Story of my life.

But, hey, congratulations to me for not going out tonight, I did want to see everyone after the shoot (basically you make movies in order to go for beers afterward, right?) but I am also sick and whiny and need alone time like whoa. 

Maybe I'll stay in for the next little bit, recoup lost time from the binge of party-time I've been having these past couple weeks. We'll see, we'll see.

I feel old, incapable, strong, and strangely hopeful tonight. Not the worst mix, actually.

Plus one glass of white wine, swiss cheese, and some dark chocolate with raspberries. It'll do.