young hearts, be free

this little angel came in and fell asleep beside me while I worked on the computer in the afternoon yesterday.

I've been trying to compose a blog entry here on promiscuity and the idea of being slutty and my jealousy of people who feel completely at ease with their sexuality.
But it's a difficult thing to write about.
(Mum, you don't have to read this one if you don't want to!) 
I don't know why I worry so much about what other people think of me, especially since I yell around about how much I don't care.

I'm constantly single. We're all clear on that one, yeah?
(oh, meredith, we never would have guessed.) 

Why am I?
I don't know. I don't like anyone enough? I like musicians too much? I like people who don't like me?

I'm the Groucho Marx of relationships, I don't want to belong to any relationship that would have me as a member.
that is half-joke. 

I love babes. I love the idea of love. I love being in love (in theory). I've been happy dating people.
At some point I'd like to be in a relationship, but I refuse to make that my priority or act like it's holding me back in some way.

So what do you do when you are single but not dying to marry the next man you meet?

Casual sex!

I have several women friends these days who are just out of long-term relationships and are back to being single for the first time in forever. They are almost high on the possibilities and sowing their wild oats like there's no tomorrow.

These newly single friends have such a different take on things. An openness to sex being less of a big deal, to it being more of a fun activity.

I'd like to be like that, too!

I think one of the big things about me is that I've never been in anything particularly long-term.
And few months here and there, spread out over years, is not enough time to get fully comfortable with all things and with one person and with myself, even.
I'm sad to never have had a long-term relationship for a couple of valid reasons, but that one takes the cake.

Anyhow, I'm always mostly single. And always have crushes. And lately I've been wishing I were the type of person for whom casual sex were really casual and easy.
And it isn't.

There are people I know for whom it's the obvious answer to go home with strangers and have sex with them. They can have a huge crush on one person and still go home with another, just for fun.
I'm jealous of that attitude!
They don't take their crushes seriously, they know that nothing is certain, that a crush doesn't mean love, that you can be with someone for a minute and everything will still be fine and you can even still hang out with them later.  

I have a hard time separating emotion or attachment out of the equation. I find there are few people I'd like to spend that concentrated amount of time with, and those I do, well.. why wouldn't I want it to be something more? And those I don't like enough, I get worried about their feelings or what they expect of me, or I get irritated with them and never want them near me.

Also, I have a hard time sleeping with people who I like too much. Ha! Too much thinking. 

For someone who has a billion crushes at all times, I definitely take things too seriously. I worry about messing things up, making situations complex, about feelings.
I tend to feel like people I'm with reflect back on me, and so I'm pretty choosy about who I'd like to make out with, even. 

These days I've been wishing I were easier.
More open to situations, more willing to take risks (not STI risks). It seems rather fun.
Goes along with my plan to become more of a yes-man. I'd like to be the kind of guy who's up for party. For seeing what comes next.  For being more relaxed about life. And not making everything such a damn Big Deal.

You know, though, I say this, but there have been times where I was more open to things, involved with more than one person, trying to let things happen, and I found it hard on my heart.

It's the stress of the rise and fall of hope.
And the stress of taking care of people and making sure I'm being kind to myself and to them.

It's hard not to take things seriously.

Also, I'm frequently not comfortable with other humans in my space. I'm still influenced by things in the past and it affects how open I am, and what my boundaries are. 
Also, I have romantic eyes.
And I have a tendency to feel lonely when I'm with a person who I'm not actually enamored with.
(I know I've said that before.)

At some point (probably when I'm 40, I bet), I'll have the sort of abandon and cock-sure-attitude I  desire.
Something to work on.

 

All of a sudden while writing this I started to realize how silly all of this is. I bet Niki is laughing at me.
Goddamn first world problems. And I keep bursting out of my room to run topspeed down the hallway to drink more greentea because sitting in this room is driving me nuts but I did want to finish this entry!



Also, BABES BABES BABES BABES BABES

Also, I think people who judge people for promiscuity are ridiculous.
And I think we should be able to do whatever we want. Just so long as no one gets hurt (which, of course, people do. see, I can't stop thinking).

Okay. Good. This is nowhere near what I wanted to write. But TOO BAD for me. 


I would venture to say that I almost have a tan this summer. Weird, hey?

just put it in the wash and it'll be dandy

So I watched Leap Year last night.
Oh god, I just don't know what's wrong with me these days it's like I have no taste at all. No, that's always, actually.
I'm always down to watch some fluff if it is at least half-decent.

It's so easy to watch!

Anyway, Leap Year is a bit like Harry Met Sally (except, of course, not nearly as good) but it is set mostly in rural Ireland and is rather cute and also:

Who's been hiding this guy from me??

Uh oh!!

Matthew Goode and guess what his nickname is?

Goody!

We will hyphenate our last names.

But to be quite honest I preferred him in the movie:

Yep.   SIGH.
I don't like it when people are too good-looking. Not that this guy isn't too-good-looking because he definitely is. But still I prefer them a bit awkward at least and charming. Yeah awkward-good-looking. Favourite.

Ah, a love a good beardy, gotta say.
Also beardy-long-hairs are rather nice, though this short-haired one is passable.

I keep wishing that I could repost from private blog onto here but I can't maybe I'll post from private blogs of years past because now it's so long ago it won't matter. hmm.

Also, I do kinda like Amy Adams. Did you see SNL where her and Kristen Wiig played really unidentical twins? Classic.  They are similar in some ways.
I liked Junebug. Obviously. I mean, it's so the kind of movie I would like.
Amy Adams is about a decade older than me and has only been making movies and stuff for about a decade and so that's good. I'm going to star in rom-coms too.
Haha wait, my college teachers told me I'd never be a leading lady! I forgot!

But anyway, when do I get to go to Ireland??

In other news, Shambers is an asshat and he constantly makes fun of everyone especially on google reader/buzz and it's kind of funny sometimes sort of
From his buzz comments on my blog: "Can we make photo requests? I'd like to see more longing gazes."

Lucky for him that's my number one finishing move. 

classy-ass christmas party round-up

Bitchshit I meant to get stuff done this afternoon and I meant to get stuff done this evening.
Didn't do anything. At all!

Ohhh well. Here are some photos from Mrs.'s Christmas party last weekend!


I don't know why I don't own this Christmas apron. Seems unfair, doesn't it?


canon photographs canon. who will win? canon!


holy shit, is that cranberry-vodka punch? Yes, please.


how come my apartment is decorated this nicely? ughhhh


I realized I hadn't been taking photos most of the evening and that I should start. Good place, I guess.


ooo, looking good.


no, wait. who is this sexy beast?


mid-sentence party-time


why, why does everyone need to congregate in the hallway? it always happens.


the blurrier the pictures, the better the party... right??


people wearing white and holding cranberry punch/red wine/etc make me very nervous.


I picked up so many babes, you have NO IDEA.


least favourite photo of myself from the evening.


Jonathan Tip-Top Taylor Chirovsky!! (hiding in the bathroom because it was all too much to take. Also the Mrs. terrorized him by making him wear a bow-tie. So cute!)


uh huh. that's what I'm talking about.


This was before most people left. Also before some random couple had sexy times on all our coats on the mrs.'s bed.


One friend when in to get her coat and interrupted them and explained that everyone would be needing their coats (tried to politely suggest they should get out, basically). They just went at it again. We had to wait for them to be done to retrieve our things. AWWWWAKWARD.


Then when I was in there getting my stuff a guy asked the sexy-time-guy if they'd just done it on our coats and then he was bashful like "yeahh..." and I was like "EW SHUT-UP" but I guess that's what I get for staying until almost dawn. What the fuck time did I leave there? Like 5, maybe?
I liked that dance party that started up around 3 a.m. Pretty fun.

Does it seem to anyone else that there are waaaay more Christmas parties this year than ever before?
Lucky me!

the sort of mood where everything goes wrong

Holy Heck! I'm so irritable! I can't even describe!
And maybe if I could think of a good reason then I'd be able to talk myself out of it. But there is no good reason! Oh, maybe I've not taken cold medicine in awhile and I'm coming down off of it.

I was very hungry and no one has bought groceries in about a billion years (good for the calorie counts, I guess) and so all there was was porridge and so I went to make porridge in the microwave and this house is a disaster and no one has done the dishes in about a billion years and so I tried to make it in a mug and of course it boiled over and then there was porridge all over the microwave and none left in the mug and I threw it all out and refused to try again because all the bowls are dirty and they had porridge in the them and so they're way too dirty to just quickly wash.
AHAHAHHHHHHHHAHAHAHHAHA.
Holy Nutso.
Things you should never admit to.

Though, I gotta tell you, my messiness of late still has absolutely nothing on my messiness of a couple of years ago.
(on several levels)

Guys Guys Guys Guys Guys, what I like in blogs are posts about babes. Mostly hopeful nice things about babes, but babe-hunting in general, that's what I like to hear about. I'm constantly struggling with how to write about things on here.

So mostly I just don't, but man...
I don't know.

In a related story, I think that my body is trying to trick me into getting into a relationship, it's all like BABESBABESBABESBABES even when I know for serious that I am in no state to actually be involved with anyone. Shitty biological urges.
The TimesOnline are reporting that Wealthy men give women more orgasms. So my goal of a rich husband is even further set.
The best is the comments after the article.
The one is my favourite:
"Rather concerned about the throw-away comment at the end implying that women who orgasm with their partners are more loyal. I would think orgasmic women enjoy sex to a greater degree and therefore would be more likely to look for it more often - probably with different partners."
That's right, men! If your partner thinks she can't orgasm and is very used to mediocre sex, then she is totally going to stay with you forever!!!!
I also love referring to women as "orgasmic"!


I can't find my dayplanner and I need it! and I can't imagine where I would've left it.
I need it!
I did, however, finally find my blank book which has the list of every babe I've ever made out with (not counting jokes and other sport). It has been missing for months and I only had one new update? That seems dumb, seems like I hang with more babes than that. Then I remembered, I just recycle way too often.

Hey, you know what is a good idea when you're in a bad mood? Dealing with technology!
Aw, man, best plan ever.

God I'm hungry.
And irritable.



I give up, I'm taking more cough medicine, I can't function right now.
I'm going to dig up something to eat as well, this can't be helping.
I'm also going to go smile. I hear that is good for me. Right now it's looking suspiciously like a grimace though.

and poop!

I know that I've been talking about this episode to at least a couple of people lately so I thought I'd just go ahead and post it.


More episodes at midwestteensexshow.com

Man, I hope I didn't already post this episode... Oh well. Whatevers.



I have 100% nothing that I have to do today. Which is kind of great and also annoying because I know I'm just gonna fritter it away. Ah man, I want fritters.

urban legend new gen #2

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

shoppers sex toys!

I feel like this video is worth watching for you:


I guess today is where I talk about sex.
Well, not really. Well, except we went to Shoppers and I decided to buy condoms (responsibility!!!!). Then we got distracted by all the other things we could buy to do with sex.

Not to be a 10 year old or anything but that product is called ASTROGLIDE!!!
How awesome is that? I want to have sex all the time if it's anything like the name ASTROGLIDE implies. That sounds fun! That sounds like space! That sounds like adventure!
Does AstroBoy use Astroglide??
And even better is the Life version, Easy Glide ... way, way less fun. Sounds like a windshield wiper or something.

I spent about 27 minutes trying to figure out if there was a difference between these two types of condoms

I concluded that one had a heat-ray-photo of hot passion and one did not. Therefore I bought the one that did not because I am into safe ordinary things, like the missionary position and not too many colours.


Speaking of terrifying things: Why are there so, so many different kinds of warming lube? There were SO MANY. In case you were wondering, I do not like warming lube I do not want it anywhere near me, just bear that in mind if you're ever trying to have sex with me (oh when are you not?).

These gadgets are strange, too:

If you just can't commit to going and buying an actual sex tox/vibrator/etc, you can just hit up Shoppers and get a disposable one.

20 minutes? Like having deadlines? I know I work better that way. If you come very quickly you might even be able to use it twice! Three times??!?
GO FOR IT I BELIEVE IN YOU.

We tried to figure out the differences. All made me feel weird, weird nub one, werid pointing one, weird ring one that made me think of RingPops (fav candy mmm candy)...

ohhh the pointing one is for use alone OR with a partner.

Bet my mum is glad she tuned in for today's entry!!!

Oh my good lord I have two really funny ideas of what to go as for Hallowe'en. V V V funny. I think since I have different parties to go to on different night (soooo pop) that I might go as both and I'm not going to tell you what they are. Even though I want to SO badly.
Oh so, so badly.
But I think with pictures will be even better. Right?

oh yeah, the show last night was fun. I sang and danced and no one told me about how bad I was so, Success!
Now I have all the songs stuck in my head. But that's okay. Especially since I want to sing with them again sometime. There were so, so many people onstage. I don't even know how many. Around a tonne probably.


I looked pretty. These tights are so hot, they are thigh-highs with a tiny bit of red at the top - matched my outfit. clothes sigh.
I WANT TO BE A ROCKSTAR STILL.
No denying.

More pictures later maybe, though there was no light, so they're all kind of pointless.
Just like this blog!

real updatey

I hate this time of year, where I audition for a bunch of Christmas commercials. I want to do one!
Actually, I'm torn.
On one hand, I like all things related to Christmas in any way.
On the other hand, I understand that the consumerism of the holidays is very annoying.

But still.

Love my new computer!

Ran into my friend Jadam, who I never see anymore, on Yonge Street today (we were going to/coming from various auditions) and I was very pleased to see him. Which is funny because of how obnoxious/irritating/annoying I've found him. And how many times I've wanted to punch him in the face. And how he wears socks and sandals.
But I also really like him.
I'm funny in my opinions of people. I go through phases, I think.
Like when I told AK when I was home that I love him and he said "you haven't always though" and he made a good point. Most times.
Anyhow, Jadam told me to go look at his sketch videos - FAUXHEMIANS.COM.
And I was skeptical. But I went. And there's a picture of the boys wearing Christmas sweaters. So you know I was won over.
And these videos are very good.
Here's my favourite:
The Weeping One

The Weeping One from The Fauxhemians on Vimeo.

I think they need more girls for their videos. Girls like me.

Guess who's a big old Depresso today? This guy.
I just had a four hour nap, on account of being until 5 a.m. last night for no good reason. I'm feeling a bit better. Sort of.
Also feeling better credited to beer mixed with orange juice, and to apple crisp with way too much flax in it.
Mmhmm.

I feel a compulsive need to tell people my hair colour isn't real. Everyone expects blondes to be fake. And everyone expects red-heads to be real.

Here's some pictures from the other day.
Had lunch in Yorkville at True, with my friend from the Manson film.
Tried to secretly videotape Mark Ruffalo (holy sexy bitch) and Amanda Peet through the window put didn't succeed. Did have organic mimosas and minestrone and delicious spelt-crust pizza. Terrible service though. My friend had to go in search of where our food was.

I put in all three of the pairs of "freshwater pearl" earrings I bought at dollarama. My friend made me take two pairs out. Spoilsport.

Then I saw this car held up only by four wedgwood teacups.

I like to say that I'm a Wedgwood descendant.
For fun.


Went to my film fest film screening - you can view the trailer for our film: GirlBoyProductions.com, if you'd like.
It was very fun. All the directors of the shorts did a Q&A afterwards and they asked my director about the casting of ours and he told them about how he saw me in another short and then wrote this part for me. Awww. And then he pointed me out and everyone applauded. Awwwww.
We went out for drinks briefly afterwards. I mostly gossiped with my director's boyfriend who is very cute. They kind of look alike, which is why they like each other, I bet.


I have a weird crush on one of the other directors. Considering fb stalking him. Obviously.
Stupid facebook. Makes everything stupid.

After drinks with my peeps I went to meet up with my favourite improv friend at the Control Alt Delete premiere after party. Which was held at Wicked, the sex club on Queen West. Yikes. Pretty fun.


This was maybe the weirdest thing in the club:




Ran into SheDoesTheCity.com, she remembered me from a weird little play I did last summer and how we met after it. And I remembered her from how I read She Does the City every day.

After Wicked party, I went to Sneaky Dee's to be way over-dressed with a group of dirty skateboarders. My friend did make sure to tell me that I was dressed like a witch. Several times. He mentioned several times that I needed a black pointy hat to really make the outfit. I didn't tell him I almost wore a beret. He's classy.
One of the skateboarders, fully out of the blue, told me: "your hair looks like it would feel like what a baby duckling feels like" then later he explained that if he were dating me that he'd play with my hair all the time. He proceeded to give specific examples of when those times would be, for instance; when we were watching a movie then he could play with it and put it in braids and stuff.
V funny.
Laughed for quite awhile.








Domestic bottles are $2.75 at Sneaky Dee's on Wednesdays, JFYI.
But I did the math and pints are about the same value. I'm very value oriented.

Yay! A real post for you! And for me.

Elliott Smith seems to be coming back into my life. For the first time since his untimely passing, maybe. His songs keep showing up in my random itunes play (thank you iPod Disk for making me be able to get all my music on my new computer!) and I'm liking it more and more.
And I listened to Say Yes about 10 times the other night. So remarkably beautiful.
Sighs all around.

Oh yeah, also, the first photos of my best friend's wedding are showing up on fb and I had a big old cry about missing it. I am pretty upset though. I'm not sure (at all) that I made the right decision coming back here to party down instead of seeing my friend (since I was 4) get married.
I don't know what I'm going to do this spring/summer when everyone else I know thinks they're getting hitched. Killary has set her date for May 9th, so if you all could get married around then too then maybe I'd be able to go to every one.

More sighs all around.

Going to go see my BFF's friend's new liquor cabinet.