wasting the day on thinking how things have been

I highly recommend keeping private diaries on the internet and then rereading them. Goldmine.
If it weren't for diaryland I would have completely forgotten about how this one (pretty crazy) dude said to me:

"On a scale of attachable to unattachable, you're on a whole other level"

so many other lovely little quotes and ridiculousnesses. 

"it confuses me when people don't want to make out with me, I mean, what the hell?"
instant classic. also, a valid point given that situation.

Parts are so heartbreaking. And how things got clarified later on and now, years later I wish I could tell little-i how things actually were. And I wish I could tell little-i how things would end up.

"i have such greedy eyes. i am a greedy-self. i think i need everything. everyone. and if more than one person would want to be involved with me then i should, because when will i have another chance? what if someday there is no one? i will have regretted all the missed opportunities.
maybe this could be somewhat attributed to never having this much attention. if i were always attractive and sought-after then maybe i'd have a better understanding of how to act. 
of how to have actual relationships.
but judging from beautiful friends. no.
i would not."

Here, these are some photos I took of Miss Lindeman's band, The Weather Station.



Sometimes there are more people in this band but frequently it is just these two, or even just Miss Lindeman.

Love The Weather Station. If you haven't heard her sing or play the banjo or other instruments, you are missing out. Missing out on life.
Heart-breakingly good. The kind of good that makes you angry not to be able to sing like that.


These next few are ones that Miss Lindeman edited herself. Very nice.

Hung out with Russ last night, remember, he had some sweet dance moves last time we hung out.
SIX YEARS I've known him. Six years ago around this time I was stalking his band and visiting him at work (a CD store in Eaton Centre? I bought a Who CD and something else but I don't know what..).
Six years ago around his (now ex)band was opening for Matthew Good and we were in a fight of some sort so I didn't go and when I saw him next (this was before the internet and cellphones, remember) he asked as to why I didn't go.
I've never been that good at being a band girlfriend (or a gf in generally, let's acknowledge). I wouldn't assume I was on the guestlist or was even welcome since we were tiffing a bit the moment.
Relationships are so fucking strange.

And I find it odd that people feel owed things right away, or get super involved in each others' lives and act like they will be life-partners right off the bat.
Oh, not that that is not my extreme inclination at times. Oh, it definitely is. I just lack follow-through. And I like space, even though I don't know how to go about making it sometimes.

This isn't cohesive.

Anyway. Funny how Russ and I are exactly the same people these days. Only now instead of being 20 and 21 were are 26 and 27.
We make the same jokes and have new ones, we are more successful and less successful, we are thicker around our middles, and have calmed down in a bunch of ways.

I just find all of this fascinating. Interacting, growing-up, friendships, and how it all goes over the years.
I'm funny about nostalgia and familiarity.
I've spent too long reading old diarylands this afternoon.

What is this, write-whatever-I-want day?

ha, my rap partner and I are writing a new hit called "Terrible At Interacting"
perfect.

pagan poetry

My friend took these photos of me near the end of summer of 2001.. I think? We spent a whole lot of that summer together, taking pictures and planning adventures and partying in the bushes of the riverbank.


It was right after I finished high-school but I didn't get around to getting a job until the December of that year.


This was also the summer I was stalking* a dude with the last name of Morton and my friend had a crush on Edward Norton and we referred to each other as Mrs. Morton and Mrs. Norton (more like Mrs. MORTIFYING) and once we even baked a cake and then wrote our married names across it in cursive and it was beautiful.
This was the summer we also hung out on her rooftop while her parents were at work, and listened to more Bjork than I thought possible, and even practiced speaking like her (I still can, too, I'll do it for you sometime, maybe)


*I have stalked exactly three babes in my life (not including celebrities) and I made out with all three of them! Even dated two of them for a while. And the third is still one of my favourite friends.
(So Eugene Mirman is right when he says "there has to be some percentage of stalking that works, like, 'I hung around outside of her apartment for three weeks and then we just Clicked'")



It occurs to me that that is maybe my natural haircolour in these photos. I would've been growing it out from when I accidentally cut it to about 4 inches the summer before (not pretty)...