the best little lonely housewife

just lonely housewifing around.
except then yulie came home so I enlisted her help to take all the photos of me. timer portraits of oneself are a lot of work.
a lot of arrogant, self-absorbed work.




"so I've learned from the internet that all you do is drink every day and make out with everyone"
no.
"and you take a lot of pictures of yourself"
mmhmm.
sigh. it's funny how I would think twice about having a crush on anyone who was known as someone who makes out with the world, and yet I think it's very funny to continue to make it seem as though all I do is take down babes forever.



so much of the time I am not making out with babes. Like there are about 8 hours of the night where all I do is sleep.






leaving leaving leaving.

there's something about winter coming that's making me want to fall in love.
luckily I'll go ahead and continue to spend time with people who are unavailable or leaving or distant.




I'd be good at falling in love because I'm perfecting my forlorn face.


remember high-school dating? remember incubate-and-bonding? I miss that.
these days I'm too afraid to even say I'm interested in someone I've already kissed on the mouth. I don't know how to compliment or open up or ask for anything.


I remember leaving a highschool boyfriend's house one night and almost getting to the truck and then running back to kiss him again.
that.

It didn't matter that we only dated for two weeks. while we dated for two weeks we fucking threw ourselves into it.
I want to throw myself into something again.

all I know how to do now is hold back and hold back and be careful never to be the first to admit anything.






I walked into the living room the other day and announced, "Okay, fine, I admit it. I want to fall in love. I want a relationship."
and yulie didn't look up.

It's bizarre how I feel like deciding I'd like to openly seek love makes me feel like a failure somehow. Well, I'm nothing if not insane.
I stand by the idea that looking for love should be very fun, however. If you can figure out how to make it fun (ie, kissing people on the mouth or making jokes about wanting everyone) then that's the best time.












This all only started because I bought this dress in Saskatoon in the summertime at Value Village (naturally) I never wore it all summer, I don't know why. Even though I took the time to hem it with a ruffle (and get rid of about 6 inches of length).
So now I'm wearing it at least.

come over for boardgames

 

Hey, here's something neat; I haven't been a push-things-too-far-asshole in about a year and half according to my calculations!
RIGHT ON.



Remember when I was the kind of person who would push every crush to see what I could get and even when I knew I didn't want to keep hanging out with them I did so that I could continue getting attention? So classy.
Remember two-weekers? I've pretty much gotten that pattern out of my system, I think. Now I know how to get out before it gets like that.
Remember when my mother told me after I'd been dating a dude for over a month that she'd known from the beginning he had no chance?
I have made an actual concerted effort for the past while now to specifically not push things just to see what I can get. Or to pretend I want to be in something I don't. Or to date for the sake of dating.
Oh, man I mean, I'm still not the best.
For instance, I have a crush on everyone I see at first and will push to see if it's reciprocated. But once I realize I'm not actually interested, I back right off.  Sure there are people I should not have kissed and probably should have texted back, but at least I didn't pretend like I wanted to hang out forever like I have in the past.  And I don't actually think I've hurt anyone's feelings particularly in quite sometime.

Hmm. maybe by saying how I'm a better person now, I'm just pointing out how awful I've been in the past. But it's not like most people I know aren't like that sometimes.


Although, you know this means I've been on the other side of it a bit more in the past while. And since before I was arrogantly yelling around about how I deserved a good heart-break, then I guess yeah, it makes sense.

Despite things not particularly going "my way" lately, I'm pretty happy with how I am.
I'm being a kind sort of person, care-taking. A bit too giving, yeah, but sometimes people come into your life and kind of need to be taken care of for a minute.
About one situation I remember saying, 'Well, at least it's me, because I can deal with this'. obnoxiously martyring, yeah. I'll be glad when this stage is done, too.

Another thing I'm pleased I've held onto is how naieve and open I am still. You tell me something, I'll pretty much believe it. Why would you lie to me? I don't want to hang out with liars. 
I still think that people are generally out for the greater good, and not just manipulating everyone and everything to get what they want.
I just can't be that cynical. I think that would be more heart-breaking than actual heart-break in some ways.
And I'm still not going to try to manipulate situations or people or play at things. I just can't. The only thing I value is honesty. And I've actually gotten quite a bit of that this summer. which saved me a lot of distress, and saved friendships.




Went out last night with Dollface to some clubs that I never really go to. We were with some finance guys for a minute but didn't really stay with them, ran into some other random people DF knew. 
Ended up being pretty fun. Some men bought us some drinks. Yep, still feel mildly uncomfortable with being boughten things.
Actually, the dudes we randomly ended up partying with were very lovely. And they were drinking champagne which looked so good but I fiercely stuck to my 6 drink limit and yet still have a headache today.
I did have some awesome dance moves for Dollface for a bit there against a railing. Oh who even lets me out in public?








Finally a new living room set-up! Am I pleased? why yes, yes I am.

the shelving unit is just fruit crates I found in the road and I really couldn't be more pleased about it.
I'm going to turn the table legs around so they bow inwards I think, they stick out a bit much for my liking, but at least we finally have a table! this has been on my wishlist for months! Finally a little place for crafts or games or computer-working. Anything, really!
The living room had been the one room I hadn't touched and hadn't put effort into and therefore was my enemy for this whole summer and now it's too cold to be out on the decks we really need a lovely, warm, cozy, welcoming living room. So glad.




If you haven't watched my video about hockey from the previous post, I suggest you do. Come on now.

Also, improv is totally taking over my life in every way still. And I still love it. If only instead of sucking all my money out of me it would give me money that'd be the best ever.

take off your stay at home shoes

 

Do you ever want to punch your own self in the face?
Yeah! Welcome to my life!

Sorry for that whiny, repetitive blog entry I spat out at 4 in the morning last night.
I have this weird theory sometimes that I am hard done by, which is pretty much opposite of the truth.
OBVIOUSLY!



today I such a nice walk in the park with Kaya, now I'm at home with a cat on lap, eating pasta with sundried-tomato pesto and extra-old cheddar on top.
I'm cleaing up a bit and canceling my internet service.. thinking about how I'm going to pack and move my entire adult life.

Yep, the extreme fear and stress and nerves about moving are starting to set in!
That good thing is that I'm still super excited for my new apartment and for living with Firehorse and for all our new neighbours and being beside my favourite bars and
being able to have dinner parties!!




oooohhhh lordy, lordy.

I'd like to please get a new computer soon. Anyone?




I like the part in making out where I sort of start to forget everything about who I am kissing and it becomes more about just the sensations and the physicality of them and I don't remember that they hate ketchup or love horses or write boring emails.
All the good and the bad things and all the emotions wrapped up sort of drift away and there's just an interaction of bodies.

so if I ever ask your name, I'm not an asshole, just romantic. (?)




ohhhh neverrrr mind

please break this spell you have me under. every heart is a lonesome hunter

I used to go into relationships with guns blazing.
All-out, all-in, open-armed, open-hearted, confident in the possibility that this could be wonderful.



This is mostly why the two-weekers that I was so good at in the past. Or even the couple of intense month-long involvements. Not because I was bad at caring about people, but because I was too good at it -- for a brief moment.

I took the interest that I had in potential dreamboats very seriously and would give in to my inclination to give any slightly-possible situation a chance. I was open to involvements with people that were so obviously unsuited to me, and I was ready to throw myself into being with someone all-the-time and forever, I fully believed in the possibility of love.

I would spend hours with them, I would tell them anything, I would try my hardest to know everything about them, I would do anything for them, take them anywhere, make the biggest plans, make cookies, write poems, trace lines on the palms of their hands, hold on to their hipbones, adore the pimples on their necks, imagine our lives together.

I would fall in love with them, all at once, given any opportunity.




The shitty thing about two-weekers is that when it didn't work (ever) out I looked like a liar or felt like they were a liar.
Was I a liar? Probably. Not on purpose, not by choice. But I would lie to myself to further the situation, to go on pretending that this could be the big love I'd been looking for. I used to be much better at ignoring obvious problems or conflicts.

And they were liars only in the same way, yes.




These days what would have been two-weekers are now either situations I know to avoid or they are much briefer of involvements, with a thousand times less intensity. With no intensity, no actual possibility. There are still fun elements, but it's much less of an experience than I have been used to.
I would never give in to it as much. 



Things lately with men are different. I'm not sure why. Probably because of realizing I could still have small crushes on people I know I am ill-suited to. And that making out with people you are ill-suited to is still fun.
Though much less exciting. Romantically exciting, I mean. 

And probably because I'm not sure I'm looking for a relationship. Mostly because maybe I don't believe in them for me. And why would I?



I don't know, I mean, I also used to hold candles.
I still have people who I hold in my mind as people I could have loved at some point. But I don't have loose ends the way I've had in the past. I don't have people who I think I will someday marry. There is no one I know who I believe I could still fall in love with.

I have kept a list in an old notebook which is titled:
"people I still secretly think I'm in love with sometimes"
an impressive list, actually, and with some of the best men I've ever met on it, obviously. And with some really terrible men on it, of course.
But these days there's no one I'm still holding a candle for. All the names are crossed off.




I think my close friends are somewhat confused and annoyed at the huge crushes I get on people who are obviously not quite interested in me.  Maybe minorly interested, at least in keeping me around a bit, those work the best.
The problem is, I feel too uncomfortable without a good, big #1 crush.

If I have a #1 crush who I don't know well enough to dislike, who is handsome and (especially) talented, and hopefully funny, and who is not around much, and who maybe could possibly at some point fall in love with me like I think he should, then the other things matter less. Minor crushes are minor, being alone is not lonely. A make-out that was annoying really doesn't matter. 
Can I live on crushes? If you think not, then you've never met me. And I'm not actually that sure it's that unhealthy.



When I fall asleep at night I like to think about crushes. I find it reassuring and pleasant to imagine our future interactions and words we might say.
Having no crushes is a bit lonely, I think, not having at least one person in this world that you could see wanting to be with? Slightly upsetting.
That's why I like to have a good, solid fall-back crush. In an odd way, it really has nothing to do with them.
It's the hope and optimism behind it.



I don't know that I believe anymore that I'll ever fall in love. Or maybe just not in the next few years.
Which is not the worst since I think being alone is pretty alright lately. And is just as valid as being half of a couple. And it's nice since I'm very good at lust and crushes and meeting babes, even if they aren't men I'm falling in love with.

Part of it is maybe that I'm not the person I want to be yet.
All just things I'm thinking about. None of this is definitive and I change my mind every few minutes. We all know this.




(these photos are from Saskatoon this August, I am still homesick lately, and trying to get into posting stuff I haven't yet, but still like.)
(also, I'm streaming the new Timber Timbre album here: music.aol.com/new-releases-full-cds/spinner#/11. Gorgeous.)

I need a boss!

It's funny how quickly time can slip away like I feel like I just updated this but of course I didn't.



A friend of mine was saying how she was following my blog and twitter and was jealous of how little I seem to do. Jealous? Ha! I am jealous of people with projects they actually feel like working on, of people who get to go to awesome jobs, of people with good work ethic and stick-to-ive-ness.
I have not given up on myself, but WOW (just a capitalized wow, not World-Of-Warcraft in case you're wondering), should I ever do more with my days.

Take today for example. I got up at noon and it is now coming up on 4 o'clock. WHERE DID THOSE FOUR HOURS GO?

I mean, I did spend a lot of time lying around in the bath.
And I did eat a hand-polished apple from the Dollface Fam (man, so many treats at their Thanksgiving!).
I did make and then eat some egg salad (sandwiches! with cucumbers and peppers and carrots on the side!)
I did watch Gossip Girl (whyyyy do I still do that?) and paint my nails bright red.



Let's get serious, though. What the fuck did I do for those four hours? Farted around on the internet, I guess. The internet is the WORST. Also, best.

I know there have been times in my life where I worked 60+ hour weeks but right now I just can't fathom the idea of doing such a thing!
Oh, unless it was on something I love. Then SIGN ME UP.



ughgughguh I need dealines! I need producers and collaborators in my life to boss me around and demand things from me.
Do you even know the piles of ideas I'm sitting on?
They are stupidly good. (I'm not even kidding really)
I just need to be pushed to do them. I need more people on my team to make things happen. I am the boss of not-getting-around-to-things.
I am the dean of making up excuses as to why I can't do things right now. 

Maybe I should have done more post-secondary? Maybe I should have taken harder classes in high-school? I honestly have no self-start ability which is ABSURD given the fact that I fancy myself a writer and a creator and a crafter.
So silly!


Oh Noodle is just looking so lovely.

I got more drunk than I meant to last night and Mrs and I both very much wanted to go to sleep on the couches at Sweaty Betty's. Mrs actually did for a minute there. I approved.It was our friend's photo art opening at 107 Shaw Gallery before that and it was super packed filled with hipsters and people I've made out with (only made out with about 50%, not that bad leave me alone. have you ever been single in Toronto?) but I have to say, for someone whose life should be filled with awkward.. it's really not that bad.
Actually everyone I know is in the same boat so we're all kind of evensteven around here.



Maybe been a bit more nutso than usual lately.
Luckily I'm in the mood for calming down. I'm just not sure when I'm going to get around to it.




Hey guess what?
I'm getting Cougar Boots!
I don't for sure yet which ones I will actually be getting but these are my top picks so hopefully I get them!

I am for sure going to have the warmest feet this winter. So pleased!
I actually fully need these as I generally walk both ways to ACC all winter and I walk Kaya all the time in the snowbanks and I do have several pairs of boots but none are pleasant to look at as well as being totally functional.
I will be letting you know how they are holding up, etc. Yeah Huh.

Time to clean out the fridge a bit and do the dishes. How's that for accomplishment??