I'm drinking hot almond milk with a mint tea bag and some sugar. It's amazing. It might be better if it were soy milk instead, but either way it's pretty damn nice.
For a bit here I was just feeling so so sad. I made my mum talk me down a bit though.
It's mostly just that I hadn't spend time alone in so long, I think. I wasn't in a bad mood at all about it, and I had a super good time in Ottawa with Dayna that's for sure.
I know that I need to make sure to have alone time and if I don't I get stressed. And so I'm just a bit stressed. Got home from Ottawa then went straight to work then went out after work, slept, worked again and then went up to a fun Christmas movie-watching binge-eating party.
All of these things are super fun and great, it's just a bit overwhelming sometimes. I really do need to recharge at some point. Like right now. I'm glad I didn't decide to go out tonight.
Although maybe I shouldn't have watched The Family Stone, I was warned that it was sad, but man, it's pretty sad. I liked it, though. Not the best ever but parts I liked a lot. I liked that the characters weren't all easy and obvious, and I didn't like how it wound up being a pretty formulaic romantic comedy in the end.
Also I've never heard "Meredith" used so many times in a film! they say it so much!
I should write a Christmas movie. Obviously.
I asked my mother to tell me straight if I sound like a crazy person (bear in mind that she reads my private blog plus I talk to her more than I talk to most people) and she said that I didn't really. She also pointed out that everyone sounds crazy, and that if I weren't sounding crazy then I wasn't influenced by society enough.
Too true, too true.
Society is not on the side of sanity.
I caught part of an episode of something along the lines of Bulging Brides (I think?) on TV the other day and it made me more furious than I've been in awhile. It was basically brides trying to fit into dresses, exactly like what it sounds like. Awful. Except, also, the woman in this particular episode happened to be pretty much my same size and weight.
WOW. wowwww. What kind of shitshow culture do we live in where someone who is a size 4/6 can't be happy with themselves?
I have definite body image issues and have been "trying" to lose weight for years now, but that is pretty much only because I'm an actor and am held to different standards. Standards which I do not agree with but have a hard time not worrying about.
I think I have a good regular woman body. It is not the ultimate beach body but it is kind of appealing and curvy and it works well and it's mine. And if I weren't an actor I would hope that I would be happy with it.
I mean, I am happy with it for the most part. I want to be happier.
It's hard when there's stuff like that shit reality tv show coming at you from every direction.
Same thing with love and relationships. I would be kind of crazy if I weren't boy-crazy. Society tells me I have to be. It's not really an option in our culture to be single and happy. That's never shown, there are no ads with single people who are happy and carefree. There's no leads in TV shows who are happiest alone or calm about being single (no women at least?). That's never portrayed, so obviously I have my issues with it.
I think this is partly contributing to feeling lately like I am a sane, rational person stuck inside a crazy brain. I feel sometimes like my brain is broken it goes around and around and around the same subject, just wears me out about things. I cannot seem to take any of my own good advice or rationally decide courses of action or wrangle my feelings.
And I feel like my instincts get more and more messed.
No, I'm still mostly alright. And I mostly know what's what, I just maybe pretend not to sometimes. It's easier that way.
If only every little thing weren't such a big overwhelming deal to me. I need to learn to take it easy sometimes. At least I'm also having a billion of fun most days.
New boots from Value Village. I'm not sure if I'm sold on them. Except I already bought them.
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