On
Breanna's blog a few weeks ago she was addressing how sometimes her over-excitement about babes causes them to not like her anymore and how she needs to hold back sometimes and learn how to cool it and take it slow.
I think this is a valid standpoint and a valid worry. And I think a lot of us have this fear and concern.
But I also think it's not that simple.
(my voice teacher in college was super, super against "you" statements but I'm not sure how to phrase some of this otherwise, I'm just stating my opinion.. plus it's about time I took my voice teacher off that pedestal and stop having a long-lost crush on him still, gosh.)
So, okay:
Smothering someone and contacting them every few minutes in a way that you wouldn't even do to your best call-me-every-five-minutes friend is irrational and obviously a bad idea. Being upset at someone because they have other friends and other commitments and are legitimately busy, is also crazy (though if you suspect that they are not being as forthcoming about possible other involvements or how they maybe don't like you enough, then you're probably right. instincts = right so much of the time.)
Expecting someone to make you their #1 priority right off the bat is also pretty ridiculous (this is what I do).
If you are panicking about whether or not they like you then take a breather. Back off and figure out what you actually feel.
(classic meredith)
If you feel like you are trying to force them into something or they are just not interested in the same way then you're probably right (again something I need to be told from time to time. also everyone I know).
Violet's favourite thing to say to me is "That guy sounds like he sucks!" and she's usually ridiculously right.
If this person is already being bad news and you barely know them, then what's the point!?
This goes back to my theory that you actually know inside what's going on.
You can run it past as many friends as you'd like (15 friends if you are me) but you still
know what's going on. I mean, if your instincts are still intact and haven't been completely mangled by this life/shitty involvements/dating books/bad advice.
You cannot trick someone into actually liking you. Also cannot trick someone into actually dating you.
We can, however, delay the part where we have to admit that it's not going to work out.
Useful tactics include:
1. playing games
2. being rude and standoffish (
aloof to put it classily)
(hahaa classssssic. also, this is just a form of game-playing, obviously)
3. offering sex without commitment
(in hopes that since we are having sex that means we are actually about to fall in love. This is the most common thing that seems to happens in my circle. Are we really this naive? Yes.)
Purposefully playing games and monitoring your actions and getting advice on every sentence you say / every text you send is also a bit nutso.
I mean, yeah, take things slow if that's what you need right now and how you actually feel like going about things. Or if you feel like that is what the other person actually needs (for whatever valid reason).
But I feel like drawing things out and hiding what you feel and pretending you don't care only delays the inevitable realization that you are not meant to be together.
Or, WORSE, you could end up in a situation like one of my best friends where in retrospect they realized that they both thought it was the other person who wasn't interested, the other person who was only about the physical interaction.
Honesty, man, it's too bad that we couldn't be honest more often. Stings more maybe, but way less drawn-out-heartache.
Virtually every single time that someone says they are not looking for a relationship they mean they are not looking for that specific relationship. With that specific partner.
One time a co-worker-friend of mine made me promise to read a book entitled "Why Men Love Bitches". Despite that promise, I have managed to completely avoid any such book and the idea of such book makes me want to barf onto my own face.
(ha, although, you may think I've read this on account of how goddamn rude I am so much of the time)
**I will, of course, need to mention at this juncture that I am not generally successful at relationships (to put it lightly) and I'm pretty nutso in all sorts of ways. I also do not follow the advice in this post but I am trying.. so leave me alone for a minute. **
Though... I do not regret ending any relationship. I do not regret relationships that the other person ended. They were for sure right.
I do not regret ways in which I've acted which were maybe a bit much for someone. Because that's what I'm like!
I am a bit much sometimes and I'm stupid and open and whole-hearted about things and I think that's fine.
I have a bunch of awesome to back it up. And a nice set.
If someone is easily put off by one thing I've said, or one text I've sent, or one email that happened too soon, then clearly (clearly!) they are not the one for me!
I think a big thing that happens so much in dating (Toronto dating especially, ugh) is that we forget we're dealing with actual human beings.
Each person is different and so specific -- they are not defined by your first impression of them or what you want them to be or the fact that they text you 3 times in a row, or the annoying thing they said once, they are so much more than that.
I know that I make that mistake, and also I like people too often based on talent or looks or what someone else thinks of them and that isn't particularly valid either.
Also, in Toronto especially, everyone is looking for the next best thing. People (particularly us women?) are looking for someone who is cooler than them, sexier than them, more successful, with more talent, etc., etc.
But then what can happen is we spend the whole time feeling not-quite-good-enough. And the insecurities degrade the interactions.
Or we get caught in situations where the physical overpowers the emotional. Using someone for sex is still not that cool. Not to point out the obvious here, but I feel like acting like you're in a relationship with someone (or leading them to believe it's a possibility) because you enjoy having sex with them can be a bit wearing emotionally. On all parties. (when I read that back I definitely read that as "On all panties" haaha)
This goes back to the whole best friend thing I was talking about awhile ago. People are forgetting what they actually want in a partner and are pursuing people who obviously they will never feel equal to or worthy of, even when they ARE obviously equal and worthy, but once the power imbalance is that vast it's terribly hard to right.
Does that make sense?
I wish this were clearer. Hmm.
I am the CEO of being hung up on people who just aren't interested in me, and the Captain of thinking I can win it.
I'm not saying this behaviour will change overnight, but I'm saying that, in the end, I don't want to spend time with someone who doesn't get why I'm the best.
I want to spend time with someone who gets why I'm the best and gets why they themselves are the best. And how we'd be best together.
Wow, I did not mean to write this much on the subject, but there you go.
This life is hard and dating is stupid and even if you like being single it's still stupid and the pressure and the possibilities and the crushing disappointment of when things don't work out...
And it is crushing when it doesn't work out. I know, I know.
But for whatever reason that doesn't make me less eager to go out and get my hopes up every five minutes.
Now Listening To: Wamp Wamp (What It Do) by Clipse
Mood: Need a drink
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