ohhh good here is all about my weight loss plan! How fun! wonderful!

Hopefully this is the only entry that I write that is really only about dieting.

But first some points about this!
a) For a regular woman, I have a solid body. I know that, I don't really have super body-image issues, I like a good curve more than most people, I'd say.
b) I don't think everyone should be skinny. Especially skinny-skinny. Especially not unhealthy.
c) being an actor is different. The main thing you have is your appearance.
d) I will almost certainly fall off this bandwagon and pretend this never happened!

HI GUYS WANT TO KNOW ABOUT MY DIET?

the worst thing about people who are on diets is that all they talk about is their diets! Because they're huuuuungry. Just kidding I'm not very hungry right now. (medium hungry)
But the shitty, shitty thing about keeping track of a diet is that it's always on your mind.

Okay so basically I've just been using My Fitness Pal (cool name! ughhh) to track my calories and exercise.
It seems like MFP is a bit like Weight Watchers but I've never done WW or know anything about it so maybe I'm wrong?

What I like about the idea of tracking calories and exercise is that it's just math. Man, you can eat whatever you want whenever you want and you can not exercise if you don't want to, but the math will tell you why you are or are not losing weight.
MATH DOESN'T LIE.

Know what I'm saying? You can't eat a billion calories of all proteins and not do any activity and then be surprised that you aren't losing weight. And you can't eat twice as much just because you worked out.

I like that there's no tricks or rules, it's just math! So straightforward! Calories in versus calories out!


(I've been eating an ungodly amount of apples. Apples settle my stomach and calm me and I love them.)

Okay, so with this app (available for iphone, bb, android, and online), you enter in your age, height, weight, and goal and it does the math for you and lets you know what your daily "goal" is for calories.
Then in your daily diary you also enter in your cardiovascular activities and it lets you know how many calories you've burned.
I've been walking so, so much lately and feeling wonderful for it (thanks, winter).


I like the game of having a certain amount of calories to spend or earn. It's like being on a budget or having an allowance.
This may sound weird but I'm enjoying food more. I'm taking more care to think about what I'm eating and its nutritional value and taste value and how much of it I'm eating and whether I'm savouring it.

(Also I'm doing remarkably shitty and unhealthy things like saving up all of my calories for beer and nachos. Classssssic.)

For entering things in you can search it in the app and it will remember things you've chosen but you can also scan the barcodes of things you're eating! Fun! It's like an activity game!
Also you can enter your own recipes and it does all the math for you. That is basically genius, in my humble opinion.

I like that the app has a summary of what you've eaten and its nutritional value. Because I'm eating very few calories I need to be more careful that I'm getting what I need.

Obviously not!
Today I've only had some tea and some yogurt and frozen berries and I'm already over what my sugar should be. (I'm pretty much always over on sugars... sigh.)
I'm forsure taking my multivitamin again because this made me realize what maybe I wasn't getting.
I've been into vegetables and fruits in a big, big way, and also homemade soups (obviously!) because they are so simple and delicious and healthy and low-calorie.


Summary! I was maybe a bit silly about this last week. Win some, lose some.


A good thing is that when you're under your calorie goal it gives you this little message, which I think is nice and kind of effective.
I do like that when you complete an entry it tells you what you'd weigh in 5 weeks if every day was like that day. It's just true, it's not a lofty goal, it's just what will really happen if you really eat/exercise that way.

So, in summary, I hate people who talk about their diets but this video-game electronic-tracker-game actor-diet has become one of my favourite jokes and I find it weirdly enjoyable.
Also, tracking progress is rewarding. It just is.
I've lost around 7 pounds so far in the past 4 or 5 weeks. I kind of wish I owned a more accurate scale as I am fascinated/inspired by the progress!  I feel oddly powerful like a knight!
I know people swear against owning scales but I think it's a very individual thing.
Plus I'm not a competitive person, except against myself in silly ways. So I like challenging myself in fun games like this. Just to see.


Oh hey guys, you can keep track of all your "snacks"!


Also, yes, I am very, very worried about losing all my boobs. In case you guys were wondering.

OKAY SOME QUICK THINGS ON MY MIND ABOUT DIETS:

1) Water. So much water all the time.
         If I'm hungry I have a glass of water to assess if I'm actually hungry. Water before food. Helps me realize if I'm full.

2) Virtually every skinny person is more careful about food than you would realize/they would let on.

3) It's okay to be hungry for a minute.
       Somewhere along the line I got a weird panic about food/being hungry. I think it's that I am able to eat so few things that food seems scarce in my life. Ha!
       I'm kind of into the anticipation of most things in life so food is becoming like that. I like being hungry while I put together a wonderful lunch. So delicious in a minute!

4) Alcohol is just calories. Sooooo many calories. You cannot drink all the beers every day and be a skinny guy. My mother will be pleased to hear that I'm drinking less because of this weird game. You're welcome, mother.

okay this is an embarrassing entry to have written for a bunch of reasons! Cool! Great! I hate diets!

playing cute and not settling

I went and visited my agent last week and picked photos.
We got it down to these two:

and

We decided on number 2 in the end. But now I think I'm changing my vote back to number 1. Hmm. Weigh in!
Please? 


This one for casting workbook as well because I have a giant grin on my face and there's nothing more charming than that, no?

I find it stressful dissect what I look like.
I think for someone of medium-good-looks I think I have a healthy handle on what I look like, why it's good and why it's bad, but it's still hard to feel awkward about certain features.
Like one's weight. Ugh! What a trite subject, something that I find offensive to have to worry about.
I'm healthy, I walk everywhere, I eat alright mostly. I don't know. 
I find hanging out with my agent, knowing that he knows that I am a bit too fat for real success in film and tv, to be a bit stressful.

As a regular human, as a staunch feminist, I don't agree with it only being skinny skinny women on our screens. I don't think that 30 pounds should be the difference between character actress and lead. I'm such a nice size for being a normal human being and yet I hate my body so much of the day. And I hate myself for not working harder to tone-up or not being able to say no to beer and fries.

How upsetting!

I'm super lucky! I'm well-made and attractive, it's such a shitty buzz that I constantly feel like I'll never be good enough. It's a shitty buzz that if you are not-quite-skinny it's almost a more awkward place to be for acting than fat.

ANYWAY.
I know I've said all this before, just stressed out about it again. How fun!


Soooo serious!

srsly.


on facebook I captioned this one: "you know that awkward stage kids go through where the have to start playing at being cute because they are not actually cute anymore? yeah."
I stick by that caption.


In this one I look like someone I'd want to be friends with. ha, in case you were wondering.



Do I feel embarrassed having this for a face? Oh god, obviously!
My teeth look good here, though. That's good! I still want to get them fixed.
The other day I made a rough list of things I would purchase if I had money. It was thousands and thousands of dollars worth of things.

I would like to learn how to fix cars. I'm not sure if I'm joking about this or no.


I'm pretty fucking pale, hey?
I'm pretty into it. I could do without the constant blushing but I will not complain about my skin. I've been lucky, thusfar.


Nice colours in these photos. Arrow did a real good job, my agent was impressed. Also relieved that I finally got new photos done. Ha.


What I like a lot about these shots is that I think I look like me. I have no desire for photos where I look way better than in real life or where I look a bit put-on.
That's what Arrow and Mrs. and I talked about, too, and aimed for. That I wanted a super honest shot. I think I can have an openness about me in my performances which is my best asset, no contest.
So I need a photo that conveys that as much as possible.


THIS IS EXACTLY HOW I FEEL HALF THE TIME

THIS IS EXACTLY HOW I FEEL THE OTHER HALF OF THE TIME.

haa, but I do mean that. I feel like those faces are beyond classic in terms of honest conveyance of what I'm about.



Speaking of partying, for some godforsaken reason I ended up at Cheval (a nightclub in the nightclub district which is kind of the worst place on earth) on Saturday night pouring Grey Goose (suuuuuper awkwardly) into my mouth.
Ha! I will do anything, go anywhere for the experience. Except maybe no more clubs?
It was actually super funny, me tagging along with two of my favourite Sweet Thingers (it's funny how every member of SweetThing has been my favourite in different moments, I like that) and I turned to mwaters and said, "we're at a club!"
hahaaha.
Dayna managed to get me a ticket to hang out with her at their show on Saturday where they opened for Down With Webster at Massey Hall, so that's why we ended up at said club, for the after-party.

Haaa the door guy worked at Aunties forever before and I was so happy/surprised to see him but I think he was double-shocked to see me in his line-up. In fact I believe his words were "I never thought I'd see you here". hahahaahaa you and me both, sister.

Oh yeah and before that we hung around while Sweet Thing signed autographs for all these girls after the show and I was laughing so hard. Man, I'm the rudest, I know. But, really, I did think it was the best. So great. I want to say adorable but I know that sounds condescending.
Swag swore never to sign autographs in front of me anymore. Awwww. They love Swag like nothing else. He is pretty babely.
For some godforsaken reason mwaters has decided to wear a poncho this tour. A yellow one with no shirt on under. I don't know why. But overhearing the girls talk about it was amazing. "I just want to know why".
I just felt like I was watching myself 10 years ago hanging around waiting for Treble Charger to come out and sign my converse-released single (still own, jfyi).



We did a good job on partying at the club, stayed til the end almost. I looked for babes but I found them severely lacking, except the ones I came with of course (chortle chortle sigh).
and I had a bit of a heart-to-heart with mwaters, who has long been on my passive-crush list and is someone I think highly of but don't always know how to communicate with.
mwaters inquired as to why pretty girls are mostly awful humans. I offered that it's because they're always looking for the next best thing.
I'd say that's pretty accurate.
You get an idea of how good you are in your head and look for a date accordingly, the more inflated your sense of self becomes, the more you can't "settle", even if "settling" would maybe land you someone who you'd actually be even and well-matched with.


(haaaaa I like the juxtaposition of my face in the middle of this story)

Not just for pretty people, but for people with bits of money or fame or talent or genius, too. The fear of settling and the desire to land the ultimate best we can get makes us all into assholes.
Totally flawed logic and probably not always done on purpose, but I still think that's what's going on a lot.

If you add on my determination to find people who are a bit insane, romantic, huge-loving, then you can understand why I feel the idea of a sustainable relationship is a bit out of my league and scope of understanding at this juncture.
Although still something I aspire to be able to get to at some point?
Who knows!

In case you were wondering, I find it annoying when people express upset on my behalf of my singledom.

And I feel that I'd get less of that if I were male. Just saying. Busy sowing my wild oats over here these days guy.



Hey, also, have you found that blogs these days are getting really, really awesome? About real things and getting into actual issues? I'm very pleased with this trend. Especially when it's as well executed as it has been lately. 
Today I'm specifically looking at:
Accost and Jones' blog about their attempts at being more reg: two regular men
and
Cpt. Heh's sobriety blog (heartbreaking and necessary): sober in the city

100% more than worth a full read, both of those links.

walking down the line

Here's the only video I've made with my new little camera, I took it a couple of weeks ago and only just now got around to uploading it, pretty boring, fun times:



Oh hi I'm all of a sudden busy too much. Oh right, because I'm working. And working takes way too much effort.

I went out the other night with my BFF and her law school friends to Bier Markt (I worked there ever so briefly once upon a time and I hadn't been back since). It was pretty fun. I should go out with them more often so that I can meet a rich husband.
Bff is good at partying (thank god).



haha BFF and I have weirdly similar bottom faces in this photo



I worked out a again on Friday with Dollface. Good for me. I'm hurting still. Yay. But I'm already using my body differently and being more aware of things.
As for calorie counting, it seems to be fine. I'm just keeping track of what I'm eating better and cutting down on my food intake in general. It seems to be working out.
I'm feeling pretty good actually.

Dollface bought tomatoes that look like pears! I lined them up on her window sill. And then I ate them. Yumhum.


My downstairs neighbours were having a garage sale when I got home from skydome today and I bought a new kitchen table (I had a teeny tiny one before, 24 inches square) from them, it's formica-topped and folds and is fine. And I bought this dresser/vanity:

Pretty sweet really. That picture is not representative of what a mess my place is. Sigh. Working and partying too much means I just come home and make messes and never stop to clean them up.

I should do a bit right now before I go out (if I do end up leaving the house..)

OH yeah also, The Paper Place was having a big renovation sale and man did I get some sweet things. Especially supplies for Christmas card making and especially some nice little gifts.
Oh yeah and The Book of Shrigley (for myself) for only $5!!!
What good fortune that I stopped in there the other day just as the sale was beginning.

P.S. - OMG CHRISTMAS SO SOON

running out of loafing time

Damn I'm sore.
Never want to work out again. Too bad for you. Want to gain ten more pounds and be a character actor.

I found a twenty dollar bill on the ground at Skydome last night as I was going down to the money room. It was all crumpled up. I used it to buy drinks at Hideout for my castmate (she needs a nickname... we'll call her Gypsy) and her sister. Because it was good karma for all!
We hung out there for a bit and these guys pretty much forced us to let them sit with us. They were drunk and lame. And they really thought we were into them. Fully tried to convince them that we should go back and party with them. Or at least give them all of our numbers.
We ditched them in favour of pizza and then Sweaty Betty's. We didn't really see any babes.
Gypsy is on hold for a show that my other friend is a writer on! It's funny how famous me and everyone I know is going to be soon. I BET.
Gyps and I sat around tooting our own horns for a silly amount of time. We think we're great.
It's nice to feel that way sometimes.


Went for brunchies with BFF and Dollface. Sad to think that soon the season for patio-ing will be done. SIGH. But it will also mean the return of the poached pears to accompany the waffles and pancakes at aunties. And I'm excited for sweater weather. For realz.

I had an awesome and mostly healthy meal:
egg-white omelette with roasted garlic and mushrooms and swiss and stuff
with
potato corn chowder
YEAH HUM

I was going home but I ran into my unemployed lawyer friend who decided to grow a beard since he's pretty much a hobo anyhow. Apparently a girl came up to him in a coffee shop this morning to tell him that he's beautiful. hahahahahaaah. Bet he didn't want me to blog that.
We went to Manic Coffee. And I had tea. They have a coffee machine that cost $11000 there. That a lot of money. My tea was good and also good looking.

Hobo-Lawyer asked me many questions about my life, I would not be surprised if a news article appears with all of my daily activities and life preferences.

I told him about my healthy-ish bunch and he said "Mmm carby"
HELPFUL.

Now I'm running out of loafing about time and have to go work again. Booo.
Stupid Baltimorioles never draw any sort of crowd.
But it's Boston and New York over the next week which should mean money but this year they over-staff us so freaking badly that it's almost worse than a normal game.
I ID-ed a guy from Saskatoon last night and he lived right by my old highschool. It's funny how they put addresses on licenses. I always check for where people live. Because I'm a creep.
Actually, I'm such, such a creep. In ways that I can't even begin to tell the internet about.

I GOT MY JOB BACK

At the ACC. My mum will be pleased. She says she has enough to lie awake worrying about without worrying about me. But she still will, I bet. Because if she stops then who will do it?
They had already decided to hire me back, I'm sure. It was just a chance to hear me apologize and say I would be a much better employee now. I am sorry, I guess. So it was fine. And I did want my job back.
I actually like working there. More than any other job.

Goddamn I'm a deservist, hey?

I've decided to keep track of calories. I will let you know how I feel about this and whether I think it leads to weight loss.
3500 calories = 1 pound (either way)
So. It makes sense. Makes sense why programs like Weight Watchers are still around. I guess.
I hate the whole idea of dieting, etc.
I'm such a downer.

Hmm.
Gross.
I have no arms. They are like weights at my sides. Dollface made me go work out with her today. BOOOO.
I'm so suspicious of people who say they enjoy working out.
I did enjoy watching awful rap videos while working out and I do enjoy spending time with Df, but still.
It was a good work-out though. Really worked us. And it wasn't that bad, really. I need to develop a specific good workout for myself and specifically to get the best, strongest actor body.

I most certainly do not want to go and pour beers tonight. But there's no way I can wiener out of it considering how I have not worked in over a week. Yike! I bet the blue jays have been missing me.

I mostly have a good kind of life.

I went to aquafit!

And now I have a headache. I can only assume that aquafit gave me this headache as proof that working out is for stupid people.
JUST KIDDING.
I do like aquafit. I don't like it by 45 minutes in, but the first bit is fun. It fucking works the arms. Srsly. They dumbbells don't look like much, but holy. I made some lady friends there as I was waiting for the class to start. Then they all recognized me as being off TV. Awkward. At least one of them went on about how great I am. Better then when people just recognize me and don't follow it up with anything, which makes me sure that I'm awful...
I like the dancing part of aquafit. I wish that this instructor had better music. Music is what makes it.
Then only reason I can stand aquafit is that when you sweat you don't even notice because you're already in the water. And the water cools you down. I really like swimming, actually.

INTERESTING STUFF I BET YOU'RE GLAD YOU TUNED IN.

PJ party at Sass's last night. Pretty fun times. I had the best outfit there (OBVIOUSLY) oh maybe not actually because our friend had a full head of curlers which was way awesome. But I didn't have my camera so you're going to have to wait for Sass to upload photes and then I will show you how adorable and pretty in pink I was.
I also made rad guacamole which we all ate up way too quickly. If only there were 10 avocados then maybe it would've been enough. SIGH.
I wish I had some guacamole right now.








I went to do bg on a Broken Social Scene/Brendan Canning music video but it turned out that they had enough people and didn't end up using me (I also got bored and left so they couldn't have.. I was hungry and also shouldn't have been there because I'm some union who thinks they own my soul). I don't have any shots of the shoot so I can't prove it to you. But I don't even care. But I did get to hang out with my friend who I haven't seen at all lately. See above for how cuteson he is. Aw.
And Brendan Canning told me he liked my hair and I said "I grew it myself!"
Also hung with some of the peeps from Foxfire. They are fun and I always want to say Firefox like my browser instead and I have to take a pause before I say their band name so that I get it right. Also my friend took a tonne of pictures of me because he was doing the stills and I want him to send them to me and to you.
There were a lot of babies on set. It's BABY FEVER.
And I want in on the action. One baby looked very much like a tiny elf or wood sprite. V cute with sticky-up hair and pointy features. V, v cute.
GIVE ME ONE.

That one friend in the pictures said he saw me the other day when he was bike riding and so he stopped and stared and starting dinging his bell loudly and whistling at me but then realized that it wasn't actually me at all.
Then real me biked past him but he couldn't get my attention for fear that it wasn't me again.
Haha.

Here is a picture of Dollface's purple jeans for my bff because she loves purple. Not very interest! Oh except that DF didn't notice that I took this picture. And now we can all stare at her craw together!

We went to a bun place in Baldwin Village which was cheapcheap and delicious. I should spend more time in Baldwin Village. I bet every store and restaurant there is worthwhile. Maybe I will have a Baldwin Village week sometime.
But most likely not.

there's still apple crisp in the fridge

Got a bit of a pit of sadness in my lower belly. I'm disappointed in myself again.
Trying to make things into something they're not and pretending things.
Again.
Etc.

It blows my mind that people find each other, fall in love, and then stay together. This has never happened to me. I do not believe it happens. Except I guess I see it all the time. But I never quite believe it.
Just like I don't quite believe in fathers or their usefulness or relevance.

Looks like we can blame it all on my mother!

Hurrah, pressure's off me!

I was wienering on today about a past involvement and how I think he should be in love with me still, etc, etc. And then I was reminded about how last time I messed about with him he licked my face.
Fully.
Srsly?
And it wasn't once either, it was like his move. Weird little lizard licks with his darty little tongue. Ugh. I'm going to barf.

Hmm. I feel a bit better. Now I remember why I used to share everything with the internet all the time.

I was thinking about making a list of boys who I'm still in love with for you, but it wouldn't mean anything. And it's pointless.
I only want people who don't want me. I think I've actually, technically proven that. Time and again.
But how come recognizing the pattern doesn't make it better?

...

Last Friday (not this past Friday but the Friday before that even)


Went to the eTalk party downtown. Where there was way too much free booze. Which I love.

Me and my date, the producer of the short that we had in the fest

my glamour shot of the eve

and my date's




Samantha Ronson DJing: best picture ever. Also Lindsay is being shuffled away at this point by security. And every person is trying to take a billion photographs. It was kind of wild, actually.

But luckily Kardinal was there

and Rick Mercer, who seems fine about me have demon eyes


My date headed home early but that was alright because I ran into my castmate from the Manson film

She was there promoting her new show for Comedy Network called House Party. Which is good because she's good at partying. With me.
We got to play on some of the red carpet for a bit:

v srsly fun.







(I'm making such weird expressions in those last two - don't look like me at all really.. well, maybe my face on drugs)
Sisters! This sister films a show in Saskatoon.

I wish I filmed a show in Saskatoon. For realz.

A guy asked us if we want to know what Dave is a big creep and we gave a unanimous NO. never ever tell me anything bad about Kids in the Hall. Ever. Thanks. And he was so nice to us.

This is not the best possible picture of my outfit, but too bad for you.

I designed and made the dress and the gold jellies were $1.99 at Ardene. Earring $5 in Kensington. Clutch was a gift from my cousin.

The wrap party for the Manson Family film was going on at the same time and I srsly love the cast and crew for that film. As I've well said, I'm sure. So at about 1, I decided to boot it over there and see if anyone was still around. Of course, as soon as I left it started POURING and I was on my bicycle heading way into the east end and with no jacket and my beautiful silk dress got soaked. But it was also fine.
Got there alright and a lot of people were still partying. And I had the good sense not to keep drinking. Smart!
This is where I'm soaked:


Oh yeah I was also eating a ringpop that I got from godknowswhere so my mouth is a funny colour. Looks like I was chewing on my dress or something.










And then it became time to leave. Sigh.


High School Musical



And then I biked home in the rain, a ridiculous distance. I considered giving up a few times. But I needed my bike for work the next day. So I couldn't. I persevered!
I'm an idiot.

...

Guys, I watched some of the new 90210 last night. I've never really seen any of the original series, so I had little nostalgia-based interest. But I do have an on-going fascination with teen drama.
And then I saw that it was produced by the guys who did Freaks and Geeks and by Rob Thomas, of Veronica Mars fame. Wild.
While it did not come close to living up to the standards that those two fantastic shows have set, I have to say, it wasn't terrible.
Okay. Maybe it was terrible. But in an appropriate way.
I feel like it has potential at least. It's kind of boring and predictable. It's obvious and there's way too many good looking people on it. But that's the point. It is doing what has set out to do. I wish it were deeper and I wish that it were cleverer. But.
You can't really fault a show for being what it's supposed to be.
Also, the teacher is a babe. I'm glad I have a bit more of a crush on the teacher than I do on the students (well, the one is hot. The Canadian one, who I actually met at one point when he was filming a show in Toronto).
My one MAJOR BEEF with the show is how extremely skinny everyone is. It's disappointing. I realize that it's set in Beverly HIlls, where everyone would get plastic surgery if they looked bad. BUT STILL. Shenae Grimes is almost painfully thin. She's very beautiful and is quite good on this show (better than her role on Degrassi would have lead me to believe), but she's soooo skinny. I am obviously jealous and considering joining Weight Watchers. . And if the size of these girls is able to get to me, as a semi-healthy adult, I can't imagine what it's doing to teenagers and pre-teens.
Cast a couple of real sized females. Plus sizes would be great, but so would NORMAL sizes.
Goddamn this industry is fucked.

...

And maybe part of my depression as of late is affected by it. I'm fatter than I've been in quite some time, apparently. So I hope that when my agent suggested that I tone up, what he meant was, gain 10 pounds.
Depression will do that to you I guess. And being out sick with a cold and being on vacation and by getting an extreme deservist attitude where you think you deserve and are entitled to every single treat you think of.
This is making me want to eat.
Time for breakfast!!!