chia chia chia chic

GUYSES, it looks like I'm getting free glasses from clearly contacts! they were having a give-away! I mean, I couldn't try them on so who even knows how they'll look on me but I am still V excited! I love glasses! glassesglassesglasses
Plus my old dark plastic framed ones are broken and my clear plastic ones are less appealing ever since a babe said they looked like science goggles. HAHAHAHA not that much of a babe, apparently. I'm good at experimenting. No I'm not.
And my olden-timey ones aren't the most comfortable and sometimes they feel like they're a bit much.



okok these are the ones I chose. Good? Yeah.

Anyway, I just have the pay the $15 shippping. Not too shabby. I've ordered my contacts from them before and always had super good service and they're into being really great and friendly and easy to use. Like it.



Oh man, it's funny how easy it is to go from being like "my career's bad, nothing good will ever happen" to being with it again, positive.
Turns out it just takes two auditions in two days that go well and you look good for and having good hair.


Man, good hair is hard to have. If you're me and have the thinnest, finest hairs ever which don't hold red dye for anything. But lately I've been doing an okay job of coming close to having the long luxurious hairs I've always dreamed of. and it's mostly kind of soft. When it's not dreadlocking itself rubbing on my shirt collars.


Also good hair is kind of the only thing that matters in terms of being a pretty girl. No? Close though?
I wish I had natural curls and I wish my hair would grow longer and longer and be the shiniest ever. Pipe dreams.
Oh you don't care that much? 


Today I had an audition for a TV show and I only had 1.5 lines and there was no character description to speak of. Those are kind of hard! Not much to go on. I felt okay about it and the guy said "great fucking read" which is nice and makes me feel better about it. Plus I felt like I had a good outfit on. I am THE WORST at dressing for auditions. I find it so painfully stressful.
I mean, I can normally outfit myself in real life but jeeeeezus all the restrictions on what you're supposed to wear and also how to keep a bit of personality plus cover up things you want covered (fat arms, etc.) plus no tears plus professionalish. Ughhghg. I honestly wish I had a stylist who would just decide for me in times like these.


I'm working today tomorrow, right through Wednesday, actually. Too much! Of course I deserve it since I was on vacation for two weeks there. But still.

Oh, also I have an embarrassing story for ya real quick.
I was on a date the other night. I rarely go out on dates. I mean, I hang out with dudes sometimes but rarely it is a date with someone I barely know. Bizarre sport, that. I resisted doing tequila shots and I resisted canceling I don't know how people do this on the regular.
ANYWAY, on the date I open up Facebook on my phone and of course the first thing that comes up is a picture of him. Which he saw. Obviously. Ughhh the last thing I'd been looking at (I was showing Dayna, actually, the night before) was his profile.

Emmmmmbarrassing. But also funny.



Today I bought some chia seeds because apparently they are a super food. I will eat them and get tough. I will get my omegas and my iron. They were very expensive. Most healthy things are. sshitty buzz, eh.
I forgot to pick up more quinoa. Speaking of expensive healthy things.



Okok rambly entry I haven't even had coffee today although I did have so much coffee last night and beer at the same time and it was a sweet combination, I'll tell ya that.

my little bud from Saskatoon is in town and I'm going to Auntiesss with her in a few minutes here. I know I've knicknamed her on her but good lord knows what it is. She's cute, anyway.

I wish my new glasses were here now!
I wish I would have a billion more auditions and book everything!

red, beet red

Anyone who is a blusher knows about blushing and how it's one of the most annoying things ever. It's terrible, really! It's completely involuntary and obvious and frustrating.

The best part about my blushing is that it only happens for strange reasons:

1. I'm speaking French (I cannot speak French without blushing, I don't know why.. maybe I feel like I'm trying to do something I have no business doing and I'm about to be called out on it? Also, how am I going to live in Montreal?)

2. I'm recognized by someone while at work who knows me from somewhere else. Like if I run into past co-workers who I barely know while I'm working at ACC, I just blush forever. Or if it's someone I went to high-school with or met through friends or something, blush-city.

3. I lift my arms above my head. My mum laughed at me so hard when she first noticed this phenomenon (I was doing my hair). Thanks, mum.

4. I think someone thinks that I have a crush on them.
Notice how that is different than "I have a crush on them" no, it's only when I think that someone thinks that I am checking them out/have a crush on them. I almost never blush when I actually think someone's attractive (I'm far more likely to be rude/mean/over-friendly/standoffish). But say I'm serving a customer at work and it occurs to me that they think they are good looking (usually I don't agree) then I start to blush thinking that they assume that I also think they're good looking.
How weird is that?
I'm insane.

Anyway, so number 4 on that list has totally got me in an awkward fix at work right now. And I honestly don't know how to get out of it.

Okay I'll go through it for you:

Tim (not his real name) is a beer porter that I've worked with in a peripheral sort of way for however many years. I have never once even considered Tim. Why? Because he's just not my type. He's very nice and fairly good-looking but I've never heard him say anything particularly interesting/funny... he's great, I'm sure, just not my type.

So my friend at a stand beside mine is talking to Tim one day and she says something about me and I look up and Tim's like "oh I never really talk to her" and I'm like "yeah I guess that's true" and so he sort of wanders over to my stand and then my friend is like "aww you two would look so cute together".
Cue the blushing.
I have no interest in Tim, but being put on the spot like that is super awkward.
So then Tim hangs around for a bit after that, definitely notices that I'm blushing. Now he thinks I like him. I avoid him.

Next shift I go to check the time left on the clock and have to go a bit into the arena to see. Guess who else is on the steps, peeking in on the game? Tim!
Now it looks like I've specifically gone over there to be near him!
I excuse myself quickly and head back to the stand. I start to tell my co-workers this story and then they ask which porter (I didn't even know his name at this point, that's how little interest I've had in him) and so we're sort of looking about trying to find him, then my co-worker finds him and is like, oh is that him? and I confirm and I go back to telling my story. I neglected to notice that, of course, it looks to him like I've gone back to my stand to confide in my co-workers about how in love with him I am!!

Later I go to get food and bring my food to eat close to my stand and who happens to be nearby? TIM. Oh for christsakes, so he comes sauntering over to ask what I'm having for dinner and of course because the whole thing is so awkward i start blushing!
Classic!
I excuse myself pretty quickly and head back to my stand. Awhile later he comes by again to say something else about nothing to me and I blush again!
What the hell is wrong with me??
I'm so dumb!
I also ran into him on my way out of the building, twice! I haven't been this good at creeping on guys I actually liked!  Ugh!

Now this guy for sure thinks I'm in love with him and is on the verge of asking me out (I can tell) and how the hell do I get out of this situation?
I'm thinking I'll just try to avoid him? I don't know...
Asked advice from my co-workers but they fully will not believe that I do not have any interest in this guy. The resounding answer to my problem was to go out on a date with him!

Good thing I'm still in junior high, hey?
Thanks a lot, blush-face.

At least it's keeping me amused, I guess.

Man, I hate blushing, though. I hate it. I also hate it when people point out that you're blushing (any time you blush). Like you can't tell your own damn self.


Oh, on the note about embarrassing, awkward situations, I keep meaning to re-mention The Bitter End, I know a bunch of you have watched and love it, but if you haven't seen all of it, you really should:

The Bitter End - EPISODE 6: Business Trip from The Bitter End on Vimeo.
This is the end episode, but visit their site for the rest of them if you need to see the early ones (you do).
Poppy emailed me just to tell me how he was having a hard time watching this show because of the awkwardness. But in a good way? That sort of makes sense.
Apparently the Montreal Gazette called in the funniest Canadian sitcom of the year.
I can't think of a better one.
Also, I just can't get over how great it is that they made it all themselves and created their own work and fucking stepped up to the motherfucking plate and got 'er done. ya know?
Oh yeah, and there's babes in the show!
Reason enough, right?

I stayed up real late writing last night. I am a good worker (this once. and I had to disconnect myself from the internet in order to get anything done).

naked from the waist...everywhere

I don't know why I watched all of picnicface's videos at some point or another but don't seem to have posted them on here to share. Did I already and I just can't find it in the search? Maaaybe!

Also, who introduced me to these videos? JL and I watched them all the other night and I realized I'd seen a lot of them before. It's weird that I'd forgotten though. Usually I'm unnaturally obsessive about anything/anyone I like and want to know everything about it/them forever. Hmm. 

Watch these videos! They are so funny! 

Yeeeeah.. this one's my favourite maybe. I love the girl in it. Oh, and the guy. Oh, also I love how the guy's moustache is pretty much the same as my hallowe'en moustache. 

Yaaaarg such simple premises so genius though.

Also,

Hahaaaa Ruth Buzzi.

Brunch today at Aunties with Mrs., and I told McGruff  that I have a slight crush on a person that we both know (except I don't even know him at all, really) and then I told him not to say anything (obviously he will forever because he sucks) and then he was like "ohhhhh, meredith, look who's here! That's so crazy we were just talking about him!" and I couldn't see the door and I was like "fuck you, McGruff, don't even" but then luckily it turned out to be another one of our mutual acquaintances and he was just trying to fuck with me. Aww man I turned so red though and everyone was looking at me in the restaurant and I felt very silly. 

That story makes less sense then if you had been there...

Then Mrs. and I were making terrible jokes and I kept squeal-laughing and once again annoying the neighbouring tables. Sorry, guys!!

I had so much coffee.

I'm going out looking for rich husbands tonight! Just kidding, just rich boyfriends to buy me things! Just kidding! 

I have never had a boyfriend who bought me things and I have to say that is is low on my list of priorities. Sense of humour, on the other hand........

Also, I have a crush on every dude right now and it gives me a bit of satisfaction like "all is right with the world once again" 

ohh okay, not really, but it's a fine phase to be in. And I kind of doubt that I'll ever be as interested in drama and ridiculousness as I have been in the past, but it's alright to have fun looking around. mmmhmmmmmmmmm.

Alright, then, I'm going back to taking pictures of myself all day. Only hobby. I probably need to get some more passtimes. Or at least a new face.

allez vous en

Tonight I watched Up in the Air (Recommend) and The Lovely Bones (Recommend if you like waaaaaaay too much CGI all over the place at ineffectual times and stuff, but man I do like that girl, also parts were good).

Yesterday I watched Precious (Recommend, not as horrifying in some way as I expected and then yeah still totally horrifying. Also, Mariah Carey is so neat-looking and great in this, no?) and then my dreams were all fucked up.

I dreamt I couldn't have children and this made me pretty upset and I woke up all annoyed at the whole dream and night of sleep.

Was having (drunken) conversations with Cpt. Heh and Miss Lindeman last week about having kids and being parents and so on. Did I say that already? I said that already, but,
I think that people who want kids:

a) LOVE THEIR PARENTS SO MUCH (or love themselves, maybe)
b) are lonely/have low self-esteem/want to live vicariously through their children/want someone to love them unconditionally.


Is that rude?

Probably. It's 3:49a.m. and I just cried for a long time in a hysterical kind of way because it was late and I was sad and nothing is going right for me these days and I didn't want to call and wake my mum who normally calms me down.
Can't call my friends because they turn the subject back to themselves (ha, like I do when I talk to my mum).

Youth is about being selfish.
It's getting a little old though, yeah?


The worst thing happened to me recently where I thought I was being giving and unselfish and kind and care-taking and a good friend (all those things I want to be) and I thought that it was fully understood that that's what I was doing.
And then it turned out it just seemed like I was a push-over or overly-invested or worthless because I cared too much.

It's awful to feel like an ugly little troll, who is just waiting around for someone to care about them. It's strange to be so misinterpreted. 

I've been waiting for the sadness to kick in and I guess it finally has but mostly it's about everything these days. Work is awful (meaning there is none), no auditions, huge body image issues, slightly stressful health issues, friend annoyances, and I'm so ridiculously badly in debt that it's embarrassing (to me, I'm sure there's worse-off people).
And Christmas is gone and nothing fun is happening forever and a half!!

Yes.   and the worst part is realizing that someone who you thought understood you a little bit, someone you thought knew how important you are, how wonderful, how worthwhile.... just didn't. Just didn't understand at all.

It's depressing.

For the most part I'm just annoyed and also relieved. I don't have to care anymore.
I don't have to be misinterpreted.
I'm free and in the clear. 

And I feel like I've gained so much and learned so much and grown so much and I have calmed down so much in the past year

(though I'm not sure that is evidenced by this blog entry. or maybe. I don't know.)


I know this is part private blog entry. It's hard to wrangle what should go where and what limits to abide by. One blog friend recently said
"I want to capitalize on being single"
and the thing is, all of these interpersonal relationships are the hardest to write about on any sort of public forum because everything we do with others is half theirs and they maybe get half control of it. Or at least are owed some space/respect.
Unless they make you mad enough! Or are selfish and stupid enough.
No, even then I've backed off of things I wanted to say.

Everything was easier in the diaryland days, yeah?

One of my first boyfriends was very into Tom Robbins and he told me once that I could say anything to anyone about what went on between us because he never wanted to be embarrassed of anything he did/said (something like that, anyway).
I really like that sentiment.


It's tough to make a really interesting, real-time, honest-to-life blog without the best parts. Ya know?

One cannot help but envy Tony who says everything in his blog is not true (even when it is, I think).

Oh, January, why you gotta be like this?

Aw man I really loved that little dude

I found some things (mostly photos) around here that I'm going to start scanning in.
Lucky for you!