this is a good snapshot of what my life is like these days

ew, my landlord called me at 9 a.m. this morning. RUDE.
and so I've been up since then. A bit dumb, considering how I went to bed at 4ish.
A BIT TIRED NOW.

hahaaaa I was trying to describe to someone why I don't like certain blogs and how they are all boring like: "today I did this and then this person came and then this happened and went here and bought something and then drank"
aaaaaand then I realized, HEY, that's my blog!!!!

RIGHT ON.

entertaining!!!!!


Prune and I went to Bellwoods last week with kaya. Kaya loves Prune more than me. I can deal with that, I just don't want to have to. so now Prune is not invited to hang out with the dog anymore.

(ugh, fuck guys, just kidding)


Prune and I have a big love and Yes, she is that pretty. I knowwwww.


also, this outfit was killing me. I love the hiked-up tights, that's how I wear my tights all daylong. as Prune says "now my belly won't get cold!"

aaaaawwwwwwwww

Kaya doesn't care at all if I throw a stick or run around. But if Prune does it it's like magic.





remember when it was a sunny spring there for a minute? where'd that go? all rain all week. all rainy and grey.
it's okay okay I guess. I'm taking a mini-break for party-all-the-time for the next couple of days.

actually, planning on toning it down. I know I keep saying that. but... well, there's nowhere to go but maybe relaxasaurus things a bit. ya know?

plus I have 1 billion good ideas in my brains that keep slipping away because I never write them down. Nice, hey??
plus I have some good ideas still that need writing down.







I showed my apartment a lot this afternoon. It was bizarre. I WANT TO STAY HERE FOREVER. no. no, I'm ready to move. It's just hard.
I think it is not going to get easier over the next couple of weeks when I go through everything and clear everything out and pack up stuff...
Luckily I am keeping myself occupied by planning for the new place. I've got a notebook on the go that's just for ideas of what I want to try in the new apartment.

I'm also thinking about theme-parties and funtimes we can have there. Obviously.

KEEP BEING EXCITED. that's what I'm telling myself.

Flash Gordon and I were talking last night about how we both have lived in the same places and worked the same jobs (together) for the past 5 years. I feel like moving is setting things in motion in some ways. It's learning how to go through changes and get used to new things.
I'm going to hopefully stop being set-in-my-ways, and more open to people and learning how to take care of a home and respect spaces.

Just another part in my self-training for becoming the best mum ever.
what you're not supposed to tell people all the time that you want kids someday?
fuck that. you know what I hate? when people go on about how they don't want kids because they think it makes them somehow cooler than people who do.
Wanting to be a good parent is a totally cool goal and I'm the coolest guy I know of.
Or will be in a few years at least.

Also, at some point I'm pretty sure I'm going to be the best partner ever. IN CASE YOU WANTED TO APPLY.


Responsible parents drink double-sized bottles of Corona, right?

Me and Carla Ghee should probably just have babies now. We're so calm, collected, settled in our lives.  And goddammit are we responsible!



Uncle Norman won't be allowed to hold the babies. hahaaa. just kidding, Norman, you can.
Actually, I really like Norman's new blog post. All of his blogs, actually.



Oh yeah also, last night we were at Hoops:


and Ellefry (favourite bartender, obvi) insisted I should blog this perfect caesar she made for Flash Gordon:





hahahaaaaa Flash Gordon face.

Also then one of our friends from the comedy shows we go to was in this commercial that kept playing and Flash Gordon insisted it wasn't him and I insisted that it was and then I emailed him saying something like  "PROVE ME RIGHT" (paraphrase) and he happened to be at his friend's place across the street and came by and told Flash Gordon that I was right.
Haaaa, great timing!
I need more people to just show up and say I'm right. for sure! 

Then he stayed for some beers and we chatted away. awwww funtimes with friends!


I wore my Canucks colours and then we won!!

I ended off my evening by going up to dot for a bit with the gang, which is always nice. Especially if I'm going to take it easy a bit this week (and by easy I mean, not be at the bar until last call every single night).

Wish me luck!

Also, someone come over soon and start packing for me. Yeah?
Or at least come eat cookies with me.

bonjour roncies

A string of babies all in snowsuits! I died.

wow.
I definitely only slept for about 4 hours last night. I cannot believe how soon 9:30 came. I woke up about 10 minutes before Mrs. came to pick me up. classic. I still managed to pack cookies and an apple. Thank god. I actually cannot handle having an empty stomach. Especially if I am also still a bit drunk.



I got the magic 8 ball app for my iphone and it's basically my favourite. It's the funnest game! I also feel like I can influence its answers with my tone of voice. Imagine if the makers made that possible?!
Magic 8 ball said I should go out and meet babes but not make out with anyone. Mission accomplished, magic 8 ball!



We went to the Harbord Room for their 3 year anniversary party. Lots of men! And bourbon manhattens! Man, everyone is on a bourbon kick, hey?
You know why? Delicious.

There were some major insane douchebag types there (I can't confirm that they were awful humans on all counts but my suspicions are very high) and some drunk babes. It was fun. I wasn't terribly rude to everyone, so.. it was a win, I suppose.



Then we hit up Dakota but we missed Peter Elkas's whole set. I did run into some people I love to make fun of, though.
Then we wandered over to my favourite place to drink after-hours and wienered our way into staying for more drinks...
Smooth moves. Ai.

I move smoothly in stupid directions. 


Yeah so then this morning Mrs. and I went to help our friend move for a bit on Roncesvalles (I'm the WORST person to ask to help move stuff, jfyi. I mean, I'll show up.. but.. no, I actually did an alright job. sort of. hahahaa).

Then we went to Easy for brunch

Easy has so many gluten-free sub-in options! And vegetarian and vegan options! Nice work, gotta say. I had a herb omelet which was really quite lovely.

and hit up my favourite shop in the city, Coriander Girl.


My old pal from college who I will always loves owns this little shop and it's easily one of the most tasteful places I've been in. I don't go visit enough!
For shame.
She gave us little gifts and things and I got some lover's tea and a tiny rosemary plant! Amazing.
Mrs. got a posy and some wildflower honey. Good goddamn.

Parkdale vacation! I love Parkdale. I mean, I lovelove my neighbourhood now but I could def see myself in Parkdale at some point in the future. Especially when Mrs. and I open our shop there.
Right by coriander and we'll be bessst buds.

then on the drive home we talked about weddings.
Everyone is getting married and shit. Or breaking up.

I'm just busy being single for life so if you want a wingman, I'm pretty solid gold at it. Just saying. Coriander was saying that I should start a business being a wingman. 
So true, I mean, I'm pretty into being single (off and on. on lately, in a nice way.) and so I feel like maybe I could convince people that people single is fun. Hmm. no, probably not. People are against singledom.
MARRIAGE IS THE ANSWER TO ALL YOUR HAPPINESS PROBLEMS.



Someday I'd like to be part of a couple so I could get invited to more dinner parties. Just kidding there's no food I can eat, really.
UGH.

I want to start a veg dinner party club. Who's in? 



haaaanyway. Now I have to go to work and I want to sleep for 100 years instead. After work, I suppose. I'm only partly delirious!

she's oooooooooooooookay, I guess, if you like cousins. which I don't.

since it's only the end of the day when you go to bed (RIGHT?), I thought I would take the opportunity which is my favourite cousin's birthday to tell you why I like her.

1. She's my closest cousin (therefore I can say she's my favourite all I like because all the other cousins have better things to worry about)

2. She's very smart (I would be that she's smarter than you. No but really.)

3. She has stupid-cute offspring. Ughhh why does everyone get to have babies and I don't?

4. When I was little she would sleep over sometimes (oh yeah, she's 7 years my senior so I always looked up to her in a big big big way) and she taught me how to change without ever getting fully naked. Useful Skills (for gym class in 9th grade)

5. She's the reason I'm vegetarian (just kidding, it's JTT's fault for sure, but she's also to blame as I joined her bandwagon when she decided to go veg... I believe hers lasted about a month and mine is going on 13 years... you have beef (aaaaaaaahahah) with my vegetarianism and slight combativeness surrounding such issues, talk to my cousin!



6. She thinks I'm really funny. Now, of course, I think she's very funny as well, but I do appreciate that she fully appreciates my sense of humour and goes with it. I'm not that easy to understand sometimes and also she could have chosen to see me as her annoying little cousin forever more, and instead she seems to have realized how SPECTACULAR I am. Good work, team.

7. The world of ZIGN (how would you even spell that, cuz?) -- we played forever in my backyard and in the magical world that she made up that we got to by swinging a special swinging way on my jungle gym in the backyard (I can't tell you exactly cause I don't want you to go to there) and we were the princesses there! BEING THE PRINCESSES IS THE BEST.
Also, good work cousin on not making yourself the queen and me a lowly princess cousin sort. You are great.

8. We both don't have dads. Growing up for awhile there it was the five of us - mum, me, cousin, aunt and other aunt. FIVE BEST FRIENDS WHO LOVE EACH OTHER MORE THAN ANYTHING.
And to be honest, it's still a bit like that (I'm the luckiest girl) just with more people involved and a bit more distance and such.
But my cousin and I were both kids of single mums and smart and with big imaginations and the ability to play by ourselves and not rely on everyone for everything. Kinda makes sense.

9. When she babysat me she let me talk on the phone with her boyfriends. She did spend the entire time on the phone so it was only fair. Haha, no but she always had so many boyfriends!!

10. I taught her how to drive a bit at the gravel pit (holy shit son I miss going to the gravel pit with my family so fun like sliding down the gravel hills and climbing up and collecting the best tiny stones and making up stories, you don't even know. sometimes I fully forget how fucking great my whole family is. okay, not really, but sometimes I forget some of the specifics.) and she didn't know at all and wasn't a pain about it at all and we drove round and round. So fun.

11. She loved the Micra almost as much (more?) as I did. If only her bf hadn't totaled it!!!  just kidding still like him I guess. Christ, I loved that Micra, it was my first car, so tiny and compact and made of freedom and speed and mostly freeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeedome. Anyway, she understood that as well. She really did.

12. She's still the kind of person I look up to but also allows me to become a person that she'll admire in some ways too, I think.  She has let me become her peer in a really lovely way and I loved having her come hang with me in Toronto and yeah.....    you know.

13. This isn't really one, but one year a freight train overturned right beside our land (we own land by a lake that is also along a railroad track) and we played on the overturned cars and climbed on them and looked inside and I remember loving my cousin so much at that point, and her being such a moody teenager... haaa so lovely, ya know?

(there we are sitting on top of one of them, she's slightly apart from brother and I... perfect.)


Okay that's enough for now. There's a trillion more but now I'm crying and I don't feel like crying I feel like going to bed and it's very late! and so that's enough. Haaaaaaa, ridiculous.

Love you forevers, obviously, gosh.

allez vous en

Tonight I watched Up in the Air (Recommend) and The Lovely Bones (Recommend if you like waaaaaaay too much CGI all over the place at ineffectual times and stuff, but man I do like that girl, also parts were good).

Yesterday I watched Precious (Recommend, not as horrifying in some way as I expected and then yeah still totally horrifying. Also, Mariah Carey is so neat-looking and great in this, no?) and then my dreams were all fucked up.

I dreamt I couldn't have children and this made me pretty upset and I woke up all annoyed at the whole dream and night of sleep.

Was having (drunken) conversations with Cpt. Heh and Miss Lindeman last week about having kids and being parents and so on. Did I say that already? I said that already, but,
I think that people who want kids:

a) LOVE THEIR PARENTS SO MUCH (or love themselves, maybe)
b) are lonely/have low self-esteem/want to live vicariously through their children/want someone to love them unconditionally.


Is that rude?

Probably. It's 3:49a.m. and I just cried for a long time in a hysterical kind of way because it was late and I was sad and nothing is going right for me these days and I didn't want to call and wake my mum who normally calms me down.
Can't call my friends because they turn the subject back to themselves (ha, like I do when I talk to my mum).

Youth is about being selfish.
It's getting a little old though, yeah?


The worst thing happened to me recently where I thought I was being giving and unselfish and kind and care-taking and a good friend (all those things I want to be) and I thought that it was fully understood that that's what I was doing.
And then it turned out it just seemed like I was a push-over or overly-invested or worthless because I cared too much.

It's awful to feel like an ugly little troll, who is just waiting around for someone to care about them. It's strange to be so misinterpreted. 

I've been waiting for the sadness to kick in and I guess it finally has but mostly it's about everything these days. Work is awful (meaning there is none), no auditions, huge body image issues, slightly stressful health issues, friend annoyances, and I'm so ridiculously badly in debt that it's embarrassing (to me, I'm sure there's worse-off people).
And Christmas is gone and nothing fun is happening forever and a half!!

Yes.   and the worst part is realizing that someone who you thought understood you a little bit, someone you thought knew how important you are, how wonderful, how worthwhile.... just didn't. Just didn't understand at all.

It's depressing.

For the most part I'm just annoyed and also relieved. I don't have to care anymore.
I don't have to be misinterpreted.
I'm free and in the clear. 

And I feel like I've gained so much and learned so much and grown so much and I have calmed down so much in the past year

(though I'm not sure that is evidenced by this blog entry. or maybe. I don't know.)


I know this is part private blog entry. It's hard to wrangle what should go where and what limits to abide by. One blog friend recently said
"I want to capitalize on being single"
and the thing is, all of these interpersonal relationships are the hardest to write about on any sort of public forum because everything we do with others is half theirs and they maybe get half control of it. Or at least are owed some space/respect.
Unless they make you mad enough! Or are selfish and stupid enough.
No, even then I've backed off of things I wanted to say.

Everything was easier in the diaryland days, yeah?

One of my first boyfriends was very into Tom Robbins and he told me once that I could say anything to anyone about what went on between us because he never wanted to be embarrassed of anything he did/said (something like that, anyway).
I really like that sentiment.


It's tough to make a really interesting, real-time, honest-to-life blog without the best parts. Ya know?

One cannot help but envy Tony who says everything in his blog is not true (even when it is, I think).

Oh, January, why you gotta be like this?

it's really really really here!

Christmas Day! For Real! It's here! It arrived!



(you can't even see my aunt's stocking for the gifts!)

It goes so fast we don't have time to look at one another.

Kind of a perfect Christmas 'round here, but, hey, that's no surprise to us. Also in text message format the other day I was told "I hope your Christmas is as good as you always make it out to be". And it really has been!

Oh, don't worry, I have over a hundred photos to sort through and so you'll have tonnes of supportive evidence to my cause. Holy hell are we good at food and stuff in this household, that's why Christmas with us is the best.

I have to say though, Christmas breakfast is the holiest of the holidays for my immediates, it's the time when we do it up and play it right and spend a whole lot of time ooooo-ing and ahhhh-ing over all the pretty gifts and delicious treats.

We're off to dinner (of Veggie Pot Pies! My favourite!) now but it's really just an after-treat to all the festivities we've already indulged in.

Oh, in good Blog-News - Mum's getting me a new digital camera so I can continue making videos and taking dumb pictures of myself (yeah like my dslr wasn't enough, right)!

Oh yeah, by the way, I painted this:

though this is theraputic, I'm not sure it's going to cut the mustard

That tiny baby shat alllll the way up his backside, soaking through multiple layers of clothing and luckily when he was wearing a onesie that only lifted up over his head (gives new meaning to the term poopy- head), and luckily while we were at the community centre and without a tub to just dunk him into. There was shit everywhere!!!
Then that small girl bit me. Hard enough that I still have marks!

And I'm still in a good mood.

Something's wrong with me, life feels pretty great these days.
And I love those kids that I look after. Even when they are being tiny terrors. Such terrors. That baby is so good tempered, if he hadn't of been then that would have been hell, but really it was fine. And that girl panicked so badly when she saw my face after being bitten that I almost laughed out loud. And the she weeped when I sent her to her room. And even though she is rude and a bit of pain she's sweet and pretty funny. If you like that sort of thing.
Which I don't.
I don't want kids.
Or, I have to keep telling myself that, at least.

One time she did something that got to me and I could feel my eyes "flash in anger" as they say and she looked at me and said "I don't like your eyes..."
Best reaction.

They've gotten them into a daycare program though, so I won't be needed in the same capacity anymore. Which is good and bad. I don't like getting up early and it cuts into my writing days and my partying nights. But bad because I was just getting into being a neighbourhood parent and chilling out at my favourite centres and cuddling babies for hours... Man that baby is so cuddly. And so active these days. Mostly he just talks and laughs. I can't believe he's four months now.

I really like seeing all the dads bringing the little ones to junior kindergarten.
I've never had any sort of dad (although in grade 1 they made me make a father's day card for my uncle [who I wasn't even close to, WTF?]) and so I sort of consider them nice but unnecessary. Like a bellybutton. You feel sort of strange without one, but you still function normally...

[My friend, D, showed me vacation pictures of her friend who has four nipples and no bellybutton. ALIEN. Also, awesome.]

Well. I don't know if I function normally. Ever. And I do seem to have some issues. To put it mildly.

One of my work friends told me yesterday that I was, quote, "so pimp".

BWAAHAHAHAHAAH

Now, she did not mean, so much, that I have a stable of prostitutes (I don't think), but more that I always have new babes on the go. This is, of course, #1: not entirely true, #2: blown out of proportion as babes are pretty much the only thing we talk about and, #3: hilarious.

You know what my problem is?
There's so many, but specifically, in terms of being such a trainwreck?
I don't know how to differentiate my feelings towards babes. I do not think of the other ways to interact with babes besides wanting to date them and then being together forever (which is a little odd considering it is not something that has ever been in my repertoire. At all. Ever).

I need to realize that:

a) There are babes I just think are funny. That doesn't mean anything beyond that, it doesn't even mean that I should make out with them, necessarily.

b) Sometimes I just want to do it with a babe but this also doesn't mean that I should think that we should date. Sometimes sex and love have nothing to do with each other. Not that I want them to be separate forever... but, you know.

c) Making out is fun and doesn't need to happen ever again. But also then to be careful of everyone's hearts.

d) Just because a boy has a crush on me does not make him a babe-of-life and it doesn't mean that I should try it out when I know it won't work (by which I mean the relationship, not his parts, necessarily). I still operate on the basis of being unattractive (thank-you high-school) and I think that every babe will be the last.

e) I should fucking stop fucking pushing everything. I have no patience.

f) I need therapy.

Seriously. I'm in such a good mood.
Even though place is disgusting, the cookies are stale, I'm totally broke, I'm avoiding things I need to get done, and my ipod is acting very funny.

I've decided though. Next month is the month for an eye exam and new glasses. I'm very, very excited. I'm going to look very, very pretty. In a sexy librarian kind of a way.

YEAH HUH.

Oh, also, I can't shake the feeling that I'm forgetting something or that something's not quite right. I think that everything is probably about to fall apart in a really hardcore way when I'm least expecting it....
But I'm not a pessimist.