on whether to look for my donor father...

(you guys all know I was born of donor insemination, yeah? that information is crucial for the rest of this entry. haa, obvi!)

So, on Friday (I think), I received an email from another woman who was born of donor insemination in Saskatoon in the same time period as I was. Actually, both her and her sister were.
She found me through my post on this website, which is intended to match donor-siblings and offspring to donors.

HA, OFFSPRING. what a detached thing to be called!

I'd actually completely forgotten about that website, and had stopped paying to access the other donor sibling registry, and had not even ever responded to the email from the one donor (probably not my bio-dad) who had contacted me years ago.

If you know me, you know that one of my main priorities is not worrying. I don't like worrying and I don't like being upset about stuff. And there's no point in worrying about things you can't control, like if you don't have a father.
Instead, I would generally prefer to embrace the differences in my life. My mum is my ultimate favourite person in the world that I've ever heard of. No denying. I would give anything to have her in my life forever and ever and ever. I can't imagine having a better parent than her and I say that in all sincerity. I would choose this situation again above any other option.
So, no dad? I guess that's shitty. I for sure have issues with not quite understanding men and the like because of it. But I'm also still awesome. I was loved beyond loved and couldn't have asked for a better supportive extended family...
There just isn't any point being upset about it! I'd rather make jokes!



But, today I'm upset. I'm upset like I was when I was an angsty 12 year old angry at my mother and furious at not having a father.
Actually, I can't even remember when was an actual time I was super upset about this situation. As a child, I guess. Mostly when I was mad at my mum, I guess? When I needed something to be upset about?
It's a good fall-back if you feel like feeling sad about something, that's for sure.

I guess it's lucky that my brother and I both just look like we belong to our family. Like there was never any doubt we were my mother's kids and never any doubt that we were wanted.
And I think it's completely different having no dad at all with a top-notch mum, instead of a dad who you know isn't related to you. I have zero concept of what that situation would be like.
But then, all families are different. No family dynamic is the same. Ever.

I've never felt like I'm missing anything. I mean, it's fun to think about my bio-dad, on account of I imagine him being the super-coolest and a right-on rad dude who is adorable. But it's just a fantasy. A cool fantasy that makes me feel nice.

Now because of all this I'm having shitty dreams about driving down to Buffalo to track down my donor who turns out to be an awful shumshy-faced drunk with watery eyes!
UGH.

But this woman has a few good points. We are almost 30. Who knows how old our donors are now. Or if they are even alive. Who knows their medical history or if we're accidentally marrying extended family members....

My bio-dad could be dead at this point!
The fact is that I will probably never meet him.
Which should be fine. I mean, I don't know him, he's nothing to me. Except I just always assumed at some point things would work themselves out so that I would meet him. And I expected that at some point I would meet all my bio-siblings...

I don't really think about this all that much, but, it's FUCKING BANANAS that I almost certainly have half-siblings out there who could be my buds RIGHT NOW if only I knew who they were.

Is this the time I go on an actual hunt? Is this the moment I assumed would come at some point? Do I now place ads in newspapers, try to get interviews on news programs, organize a BBQ for all donors and offspring from that time period?
(considering it.)

If my bio-dad or her bio-dad (they could be the same one, of course, though probably unlikely) want to be found then it would be easy. If he does not then it will be impossible. Literally. We are powerless in this situation. And I guess, yeah, she's in her full rights to be mad about that.

She's right to be mad that the records with the only indication of who HALF OF OUR GENETICS are from were destroyed.
She's right to be mad that at the very least offspring from the same donors who are looking for each other shouldn't have access to that information. We could all be looking for each other.

We, the offspring, signed no papers saying we wouldn't look for our donors. We signed no papers saying we didn't need to know who are siblings are.
I strongly believe we are entitled to ask whatever questions we want to. And maybe this woman's reaction to the situation is different than mine, but she's entitled to do any digging she sees fit because we had no say in the situation. And because they weren't just making offspring, they were making humans who grow up and feel they have a right to know about themselves...

I still feel very, very lucky to be alive. And I wouldn't be here without this process. But, yeah, I guess I would like to know who my bio-dad is. And even more so I would like to know who my other siblings are.

Ha, I would like to have money too so I could DNA test everyone I could possibly be related to!


(haaaha baby me at the window. over-dramatic illustration for this post!)


I guess bottom-line, I'd like to either meet my bio-dad or know that he has no interest in meeting me. I think I could stomach that. It seems almost fair. At least then I'd know he's not the sort of person I need to know!

So I guess that means I'll have to look at some point. And the sooner the better if I actually want success... I don't know if it's right now. But it probably should be.

The worst part is, I've always known I wanted to look, but I also don't want to look because once I've exhausted the few avenues, then I will have failed.
And failing at finding family seems like a hard place to be in.

ordinator

I just spent a lot of time looking for photos to put in this entry but then I gave up, sorry I know entries that are photo-less are hard to get through.

So my friend Bee and I have been talking about writing a TV show.
This started as an elaborate joke where we were planning on making a parody of The Hills called The 'Woods and it would be centered around Trinity Bellwoods and it would just have extreme hipsters in as dumb/pointless/awkward situations.
(still a hilarious idea that I think we should maybe still do)

But then it's been turning and shifting more and more in my brain and becoming more like an actual TV series and I'm always wanting to write a series and I'm really pleased with some of what's come up.
But I'm having a hard time sitting down to properly write it (though I've done far more work on it than I'd expect) because I don't quite know what it is exactly that I want to write.

Most of the work I (with Bee's brainstorming, other friends' influence, etc.) have been doing is just funny bits and words and sentences and situations and scenes.
I'm having trouble with what I want the actual concept to be.

I'm also having trouble with my involvement in ACTRA (still at the Apprentice stage so I could still opt out..) and how it's limiting me in working, but also how it's limiting what I write and create. It limits who I can work with and there are both union and non-union people I'm wanting to collaborate with.
But that's another whole rant.

Being creative and nutso is hard work. Sometimes I imagine being the type of person who is happiest working a couple of jobs to make enough money to go to Mexico for an all-inclusive in February.

I'm not even meaning that in a patronizing way, it sounds rather nice.
And you wouldn't have to worry about being extraordinary.

HA. NOT THAT I'M SUCCEEDING (yet.)


Cleaning out the fridge is extremely satisfying, but even better is buying the awesome food to fill up a newly cleaned-out fridge.

I finally got around to buying some rice bread and it's actually quite delicious, dense and sweetened with fruit juices, apparently, and it's kind of chewy and nice.
I've been having grilled cheese sandwiches with -Swiss -Extra old white cheddar -Apple Slices

So good. I can't believe I went so many years eating my grilled cheeses without apple slices.
Although tomatoes are good, too.

for dinner, after groceries, I had:
rice-almond crackers
fancy garlic hummus
carrots
apples
cheeses
olives

and a virgin bloody mary... complete with horseradish. Yes.


Ha, see? Pure ordinary, all the time.

Tomorrow I'm working the day game, then meeting about making a short, then going to see Babies, the documentary about babies.
I'm a little nervous to see it, for obvious reasons.
Love babies.

allez vous en

Tonight I watched Up in the Air (Recommend) and The Lovely Bones (Recommend if you like waaaaaaay too much CGI all over the place at ineffectual times and stuff, but man I do like that girl, also parts were good).

Yesterday I watched Precious (Recommend, not as horrifying in some way as I expected and then yeah still totally horrifying. Also, Mariah Carey is so neat-looking and great in this, no?) and then my dreams were all fucked up.

I dreamt I couldn't have children and this made me pretty upset and I woke up all annoyed at the whole dream and night of sleep.

Was having (drunken) conversations with Cpt. Heh and Miss Lindeman last week about having kids and being parents and so on. Did I say that already? I said that already, but,
I think that people who want kids:

a) LOVE THEIR PARENTS SO MUCH (or love themselves, maybe)
b) are lonely/have low self-esteem/want to live vicariously through their children/want someone to love them unconditionally.


Is that rude?

Probably. It's 3:49a.m. and I just cried for a long time in a hysterical kind of way because it was late and I was sad and nothing is going right for me these days and I didn't want to call and wake my mum who normally calms me down.
Can't call my friends because they turn the subject back to themselves (ha, like I do when I talk to my mum).

Youth is about being selfish.
It's getting a little old though, yeah?


The worst thing happened to me recently where I thought I was being giving and unselfish and kind and care-taking and a good friend (all those things I want to be) and I thought that it was fully understood that that's what I was doing.
And then it turned out it just seemed like I was a push-over or overly-invested or worthless because I cared too much.

It's awful to feel like an ugly little troll, who is just waiting around for someone to care about them. It's strange to be so misinterpreted. 

I've been waiting for the sadness to kick in and I guess it finally has but mostly it's about everything these days. Work is awful (meaning there is none), no auditions, huge body image issues, slightly stressful health issues, friend annoyances, and I'm so ridiculously badly in debt that it's embarrassing (to me, I'm sure there's worse-off people).
And Christmas is gone and nothing fun is happening forever and a half!!

Yes.   and the worst part is realizing that someone who you thought understood you a little bit, someone you thought knew how important you are, how wonderful, how worthwhile.... just didn't. Just didn't understand at all.

It's depressing.

For the most part I'm just annoyed and also relieved. I don't have to care anymore.
I don't have to be misinterpreted.
I'm free and in the clear. 

And I feel like I've gained so much and learned so much and grown so much and I have calmed down so much in the past year

(though I'm not sure that is evidenced by this blog entry. or maybe. I don't know.)


I know this is part private blog entry. It's hard to wrangle what should go where and what limits to abide by. One blog friend recently said
"I want to capitalize on being single"
and the thing is, all of these interpersonal relationships are the hardest to write about on any sort of public forum because everything we do with others is half theirs and they maybe get half control of it. Or at least are owed some space/respect.
Unless they make you mad enough! Or are selfish and stupid enough.
No, even then I've backed off of things I wanted to say.

Everything was easier in the diaryland days, yeah?

One of my first boyfriends was very into Tom Robbins and he told me once that I could say anything to anyone about what went on between us because he never wanted to be embarrassed of anything he did/said (something like that, anyway).
I really like that sentiment.


It's tough to make a really interesting, real-time, honest-to-life blog without the best parts. Ya know?

One cannot help but envy Tony who says everything in his blog is not true (even when it is, I think).

Oh, January, why you gotta be like this?

when the first cup of coffee tastes like washing up

I am the worst at visiting with people this visit. I keep expecting to get better at it/feel like it but then more days pass and I still feel like hibernating at my mum's house.



One of my mum's best friends (a woman I've known since I was born, basically) died just before Christmas and so Mum's been feeling pretty sad and tired. I've been holding back tears since I got off the plane for various reasons (none of them particularly big, just a combination of things) and instead of crying it out I've been bottling it all up, turning it into bad moods. I'm a bit nervous of the memorial service tomorrow as I will probably either cry inappropriate amounts or I will be in the worst mood ever.
Good, supportive daughter that I am!



It's strange being acutely aware of one's shortcomings. One day I will be a good friend and family member, with proper listening abilities and loving advice (but only when actually needed)...



You know what's awesome? When you try to explain to someone that you don't want any advice and then they just keep giving you advice.
Not giving advice is probably almost as good of a skill as giving good advice.



I know a lot of people who think they are good at giving advice, but I disagree. I frequently wonder if I am one of those people. Sometimes I certainly am.




My friend and her baby were pretty beautiful on her wedding day. Perfect, really.



Man, I love that girl. I'm so pleased to be able to be in town for her wedding. Her twin sister got married last year and I wasn't in town for it. I was in Toronto because I had a short film in TIFF and it felt like I needed to be there. When I saw the photos from the wedding I felt a bit devastated. It didn't make sense at all that I'd missed it. I mean, I'd been in this girl's life - her family, almost - since we were in kindergarten...



Anyhow. I was very, very pleased to make it to this wedding. It was small and lovely and I knew most people and never see them.
And I held that baby for so, so long while it slept in my arms. Then she woke up and I held her with her back to me so she could calmly watch all the going ons. Lovely tiny thing, that.

Only cried a tiny bit and I don't think anyone noticed. I probably don't always come off as the biggest sap in person, but I always, always am.

lot of tags

wowwww. I am not doing a good job on keeping you updated.

still in Saskatoon. Still on holidays. Still mostly in bad moods (I'm sure that's going to let up soon though).

I made pumpkin cheesecakes for my birthday and so I'm having some of the leftovers of that for breakfast this morning. It is one of the best cheesecakes I've ever had - not too dense or thick or too-much, it's a bit lighter. I would put more spices in next time.

I've been cooking a bit, actually. I should've taken pictures to prove my kitchen prowess. I made burritos for my birthday dinner (which even the kids liked), and I made all of Christmas dinner because at the last minute my aunt really didn't feel like going home after a big morning of brunch and gifts to go home and slave over a turkey.
Fair enough.

I made pasta baked with cheese and also a big salad and also yellow beans and spinach and mushrooms in pesto. Preeeetty good.

Part of my bad moods I think has to do with not having enough time by myself -- too much family togetherness (gross) and then also I feel kind of trapped/subject to everyone's plans because of not having access to a car.
I WANT TO GO FOR A DRIVE!!!
by myself.

I'm used to being able to go places like the mall or value village or even out on the town without it being a big pain.

Saskatoon is for driving. It's actually kind of bad how much people depend on cars here. Definitely drive two blocks sometimes.


I spent the first few days hibernating. I still feel that inclination. There's fewer people around that I need to see. And at first it's hard to get back to good with certain people. Obviously.

It's been six years since I moved away. All of my twenties have been in Toronto. It seems like it's only been a couple of years, really. But, nope, it's been quite, quite awhile.

I miss some Toronto people, too. I wish they were all here, that'd be the best.
At Amigos the other night I mostly talked with people who don't live in Saskatoon anymore. And also to a couple people from Toronto who were there with their Saskatoon babes. Kind of funny.



I want a home. That's what I think about these days when I'm hanging around my friends with husbands and babies and my family with their beautiful homes.
I want my own place to decorate and design. I want a place to put all the beautiful china and glassware I got for Christmas. I want to build up a home that's really me and for me.
I love my apartment and I've loved my apartment for almost six years now.. but at some point I would really like to own a closet. Is that a lot to ask?


My life is great. I am very lucky.
I feel pretty certain that this next year is going to be pretty awesome. I like the promise and possibility that it's holding.
I know that even though I want a home and a cottage and tiny babies right now, it's not anywhere near the proper time for them, and that it will all be even better after I've gotten some creative stuff done and on the go. After I've worked more as an actor and written in the way that I know that I'm capable of (and yet never do).

This is a lot of text, blogs aren't really about text anymore. How things have changed since diaryland.

party-some-of-the-time

Tilda and I have been chilling out. All she seems interested in is sleeping and sleeping. Oh, and cuddling. And waking me up in the night so that I will pet her. And then sleeping some more.



She is such a kitten. And so dear and beyond affectionate. She spends all her time with me. But at the same time, she never seems upset to be left alone for awhile. Always sleeping when I get back.
Probably stocking up on sleep because soon there's going to be tiny beasts who will never leave her alone...





And now, for a myspace-angle...


I was my own valentine... I totally got dressed to go out last night, I took this picture to prove it. But then I realized that I did not feel like dancing or drinking and certainly should not be scoping babes (I'm trying to take this babe-break seriously) so what would be the point of going and spending money... So I just cuddled with Tilda Swinton instead.

Haven't been going out much at all. Spending less money and less time thinking about babes.
Probably going out tonight though especially since it's Dollface's night off...
I haven't decided when babe-break will end.
Ugh, just the thought of drama makes me want to barf. But man when babes are good...


I worked the leaf game last night and I brought some chocolate hearts which made it much better. And I also dressed in various shades of pink. And other coworkers gave out candies too... I love holidays that involve sugar (aka every holiday).
Oh yeah, and I ate pizza with one of my co-workers on my break. Then when we were done I told him "thanks for sharing this Valentines Day dinner with me..."
V romantic.

Can't wait to have kids to make Valentines with and bake heart-shaped cookies for!!!

on crafting for babies and being crafty with babes...

Do you feel like barfing onto your own face????
Then you should google search some crafts to make for babies and baby showers!

This is the worst thing I've found yet. I don't even have the words for it...

Uploaded with plasq's Skitch!

(click through to see full size)
wow. sexy timez.


yes, so I have a sort of baby shower to go to tonight. And I haven't gotten a gift. Maybe owing to how flippin broke I am. Maybe also owing to laziness.
Second college pal to have a little one. I'm hoping there will be lots of babies there because I like them and I like to touch their little hands.

Creeeper.

.
Had a big day yesterday, many social engagements, even worked for a while. It was kind of big deal for a shut-in like me.

Brunch and then coffee with Cpt. at Ella's Uncle (I hadn't been there before, but always walked by it and it is very, very lovely and the woman working was great and I had apple-berry cider which was cheap and delicious. Recommend for sures.)

Then working at Skydome for AC/DC. Wasn't as terrible as the last one (where I cried twice and screamed profanities once) but it was annoying in a few different ways. I need money too badly to even complain though. Wait. No, I'm not.

After work I seriously considered heading home to shut myself in some more, but ended up going out on the town with Sass. Hit up her friend's going away party at some big pub I'd never heard of because I'm too much of a hipster.
It was fun though, had nice girl talk with girls I didn't know. Talked a lot about babes and power-balances and how fun it was in elementary school/high school/camp to have a crush. Crushes at our age are less easy to come by.

There are so many factors that contribute to having the perfect crush. And the biggest one is that the babe should be one who you have to continually see (and hopefully interact with) pretty regularly.
At my age that gets limited mostly to workplaces. And that ends in DISASTERS. Pretty fun-for-awhile disasters though, sometimes.
My problem is that I can't just let crushes be crushes. I am always pushing things and needing to see what I can get... and I always just like to know people. I get excited about the newnesses. Obviously.

This is also probably why so many actors and crew members hook up on sets. IDEAL CRUSH ENVIRONMENT. Especially because there are the different groups and you interact but not really but you can find excuses if necessary... I LOVE CRUSHES.
I really didn't end up having any crushes when I worked on the Manson family movie this summer, but we ladies did tour around the set to ogle the crew and scope babes, and there were definitely crushes being had. And there's something appealing about the crew. And by something I mean SO MANY THINGS. Crew are hot. Admit it. Even Devon Sawa married his make-up artist for Christsakes.

Actually, there was one dude who I thought was kind of dreamy on the crew of that movie... but I don't think I ever even got introduced to him.

Maybe I should go back to college. Just for crushes.

This is maybe also why high-school and college based shows are still very popular with women in their 20s and 30s - we are all just interested in crushes. That initial first spark or interest or attention or energy.

I love it.

In conclusion I bring you one of my all-time favourite quotes from someone I've very much had a crush on
"I thought I wanted to make out with her, but it turned out I just needed to pee."

it's really really really here!

Christmas Day! For Real! It's here! It arrived!



(you can't even see my aunt's stocking for the gifts!)

It goes so fast we don't have time to look at one another.

Kind of a perfect Christmas 'round here, but, hey, that's no surprise to us. Also in text message format the other day I was told "I hope your Christmas is as good as you always make it out to be". And it really has been!

Oh, don't worry, I have over a hundred photos to sort through and so you'll have tonnes of supportive evidence to my cause. Holy hell are we good at food and stuff in this household, that's why Christmas with us is the best.

I have to say though, Christmas breakfast is the holiest of the holidays for my immediates, it's the time when we do it up and play it right and spend a whole lot of time ooooo-ing and ahhhh-ing over all the pretty gifts and delicious treats.

We're off to dinner (of Veggie Pot Pies! My favourite!) now but it's really just an after-treat to all the festivities we've already indulged in.

Oh, in good Blog-News - Mum's getting me a new digital camera so I can continue making videos and taking dumb pictures of myself (yeah like my dslr wasn't enough, right)!

Oh yeah, by the way, I painted this:

there is a very very pink round baby in my living room

One tradition that has been upheld since I moved away from Saskatoon is going for Grilled Cheese Platters (aka GCPs) with Constantine (and also SteveDave when she is around).

Const is usually a babe but you wouldn't be able to tell from these pictures. He is also ridiculously funny and fun. When you hang out with him you can just laugh and laugh and laugh and he'll probably throw things at you (if you're lucky).


Steve is very pretty and she and I used to work at Jerry's together and she was a grump and I found that very funny. And we are best friends since then. Now all of our friends are friends but back then we were from sort of different circles and I remember one time I ran into her in the mall before we were friends and she stopped to talk to me and I thought "why is the prissy girl talking to me" haha but then at work I noticed that she was always reading fat books on her lunch breaks, bigger books than I even read. Like Rohinton Minstry and she seemed to even to finish them!

I told her to smile with her eyes.

Grilled Cheese Platter invariably get messy, especially the ice cream course. For sure. But this time I was for sure the worst. And I had them both dabbing at me with napkins which was very sweet and since Const is usually the biggest embarrassment, I didn't feel very badly.



For some awful reason Constantine has decided that he'll have longer hair and it looks pretty bad. But it is also funny. Especially when he puts it in a ponytail with a bandana on (barf!).

Even if he moves it around it still doesn't look good


No, really, I swear he's good-looking.. I think. Hmm, now I'm uncertain...

You guys want to know a secret? My brother is very nice. He is part giant for sure (must have been his donor-father because it sure didn't come from mum's side of the fam) and he likes guns and violence and war movies and crime novels and he goes to Mennonite house church (no one in my family is religious at all). But he's one of the nicest people I know (moreso now that he's 17 and bit calmer and we fight less and he is not quite as irritating). For my Christmas/birthday presents he is driving me home from parties this holiday season. This means staying up until three or so when I've decided I've had enough babe-chasing and then coming to fetch me (in the 40 below weathers). This was my gift last year and I have to say it is the best gift ever. Especially since I have a tendency to pile my girlfriends in and make him ferry them all around. All my girlfriends are so impressed by what a genuinely nice guy he is. I think they like my present as well.
Also he is very good with our little cousins. Today and yesterday he is looking after the baby Pteranodon who is one and he is so good with her. He plays beautifully with her and carts her around and doesn't even expect me to do anything even though I'm sitting in the same room with them.
And you can tell he really loves her. And doesn't resent baby-sitting or anything. Kind of neat.

(Edit: He just walked in and said indignantly "HOW CAN YOU EVEN SERIOUSLY LISTEN TO THIS SONG" which was Mercy by Duffy and I said "what do you mean?" and he said "IT'S SO BAD HOW CAN YOU EVEN LISTEN TO IT?" so, you know, still a teenage boy.)

KITTEN FESTIVAL::




oh lordy Adventure Cat is so pretty and little and soft and would make greeat moccasins.. just saying.

Oh yeah, for Christmas everyone is getting:

A Bag O' Lolcat!!



omg these two are so cute they are twins in different colours

the only two kittens in their litter and they were both breech and I pulled them out by their hind-legs! I know, right?


Home is nice. I've mostly been going shopping with my aunt(s). Got a sweet plaid flannel shirt yesterday that is totally something that my mum would wear and then I got told I was "very hip" at the show last night. It wasn't even buffalo plaid!
But yeah, hit up Value Village, the malls, the new Indigo store and McNally Robinson. Kind of fun. But also getting to be too much shopping! (And too much family!)



classic Mistletoe-household little eggie on toast


Hitting up the town a lot with Carlos and Magpie and co. Partying down, etc. So many people who don't live in Saskatoon anymore, back for the holidays. I'm getting very worn out by small-talk. I just can't even deal with it. Especially last night because I wasn't drinking because I was driving (Brother had to be up early to look after the baby so he couldn't come to pick me up). Sober small-talk with people I don't even really care about very much isn't very fun. Too many people I vaguely know.
No it is fun. I had a nice time driving around late at night last night also. Dropping off some drunk girls and then the city was so quiet.
And, guys, this city is so stupidly beautiful these days. I can't even explain. Frost coating all the trees along the riverbank... It is also remarkably cold. Even for Saskatoon. I felt like my nose froze and got frost bite in the 2 minutes it took to clear off the windows of the car last night.
Minus 40 about with the windchill! Biting, biting cold.




Party parties scheduled upcoming. Kind of exciting, get to see lots of people I've been missing and needing to catch up with..