here's an honest bit

(I'm going to try not to backtrack and pre-apologize for my own self and my own thoughts in this entry. Try.)



I'm only interested in honesty these days. I have a big, big interest in honesty. I mean, I always have but lately, man. It's all I care about.

sometimes I don't think I get enough credit.

I don't get enough credit for being a rational human.
In the past I have certainly been less than rational. But then, who hasn't? I've been impulsive and interested in pushing situations and seeing what I can get away with. It goes along with being a young person. Everyone handles being young differently.
I'm still so, so young. And so selfish. I know that is very true.

I do have patterns. I have two-week involvements and I have few-month involvements. I've never been in a serious long-term relationship. I don't do this on purpose, it's how things work themselves out.
And there's been times in recent years where when something happens (or doesn't happen or fails to be realized) that I'll have people say things like "Oh, Meredith, when are you going to learn how to have a relationship?"

I love liking people. I am full-hearted and cocks-on-the-table in terms of my levels of affection for people I like. In friendships I pursue and rope in and befriend like there is no tomorrow. I tenderly whisper my love to my pals, or tell them in awkward loud yell-laughs, or write it in lots of letters if I feel too awkward around them. I like people so, so much! I love loving people and caring for them and looking out for them and being involved in their lives.
Want to know how I somehow wrangled the best people in the world to be my best friends? THAT'S HOW.
By caring about them until I could just burst into one thousand pieces.



I'm so proud to be with each and every one of my good pals. Just so pleased to have them on my arm and introduce them to people and take them out on the town. What a fucking lucky gremlin, I am!

So, naturally, it follows based on this being my personality, that I like babes. I like babes so much. And I have a real cool skill of being able to have a crush on such a wide variety of people. Sort of like how I have such a wide variety of friends in different circles who I like for very different reasons. If there's an element of kindness, honesty, and good humour in a human, I want them around me.
I see potential and interesting things in so many people, and I want to push that and pursue it.
I think humans are so intricate and detailed, and there is such, such beauty in everyone.

With friends, it goes so much more unnoticed if I quickly befriend someone and then they don't end up being close in my life. When it turns out we aren't that compatible, it's not revolutionary.
It's harder with babes.
It's especially harder with babes because society has set up relationships to be the be-all and end-all. They're everyone's ultimate goal.

I find this SO SILLY and also completely valid.


You want to build a relationship with someone and have them join your family and make a new family with them and share your whole future?
OF COURSE THAT'S IMPORTANT.
but.  if that's not what happens, then you're fine! I'm fine! It's fine to be alone! It's actually sometimes the most wonderful, coolest time. Partnership is not necessary. IT JUST ISN'T. (okay, maybe it is for you and I fully understand that and support it.)

Short involvements with babes are harder in my life because I get so involved and wrapped up in things and enjoy talking about it and dissecting it and dreaming about it. Which is natural, I believe.

The most simple reason why my relationships are short is because I know what I know when I know it. Maybe that sounds ridiculous, but I've never regretted ending anything. I've never looked back and been like "holy shit, how did I let that get away from me".
I know who I am, and I like who I am, and I know what I like.
And as soon as I get it into my head that the relationship would not last forever then I get out. I can't pretend, I can't stick around working on things that I know are not true enough. I think it does me and my partner a disservice by keeping us in something that's not good enough.

And I don't regret being dumped. By anyone. I don't regret having crushes that weren't reciprocated. All of this is just true things that happened, I'm who I am because of what has happened. If someone doesn't want to date me then lord knows I don't want to be involved with them either!
I've been involved with some brats, but for the most part I still really respect/admire/like the men I've been involved with. I've been lucky to know a lot of great people.

I know I'm remarkably un-choosy in my vast array of vague crushes, that's just a fun that I have!
I'm slightly more choosy in terms of who I kiss or date, and then ridiculously, horrendously choosy about who I will have a proper relationship with.
BECAUSE I SHOULD BE.

I don't have patience for people who stay in things that are not-great. Especially because it's usually out of fear, or out of the desire to fight for someone's love. To be validated.

Cool, I can validate myself at home, alone. if you know what I'm saying.

I'm so happy on my own. I'm me being me. It's easiest to be honest and the nice kind of person I want to be when I'm on my own.

If I'm going to be in a relationship it's going to be because it is as good, or better than being by myself. And if, in the first few months, it's not as good, then I'm right to get out.

And, guys, I have the best possible friends in the universe that I can't wait to see and can't wait to hang out with and until it happens that I can sustain that feeling with a man I'm dating, then I have no interest in that situation!
Until I feel like the luckiest person to be with him, and him with me. Then, no no no that's not a cool venue for me. Nope nope.



If there's a person who's going to be a priority in my life then they need to be the best person for me. So many men I know are the best people, but they are not the best people for me. And I'm not the best me with them.
I just can't be in that right now.

This is not about how relationships take work and how there are ups and downs. I see that, I agree with that, big loves are not simple and easy and always straight-forward, but that's not what I'm on about right now.

Relatedly, I think it's unfair to judge me for having a lot of crushes and for kissing people I feel like kissing since:
a) those things are very fun
and
b) how do I know what I want unless I find it?

And the thing is, when I'm in something, I'm in it. I'm just in it. I'm not crazy and looking at other babes, I'm good at being with one person. When I'm in something good I can't imagine being anywhere else. I'm loyal, and I'm a care-taker.

I just have no intention of living a chaste and restrained life, waiting for a husband to come and find me. I'm interested in being the most honest, having the most fun, and having big adventures.
Those are my priorities right now.

If a big TRUE LOVE never ever happens for me I'll be quite surprised, but I'm GD happy these days. So GodDamned happy these days.
And if you meet me when I'm 82 and I say, "I should have listened, it was my patterns that screwed me up, I did never get anyone a proper chance, I did only want what I couldn't have"
then you can go ahead and say I told you so!
Until then, I'm going to go ahead with crushes, and loving who I can, and trying to be the most kind and the most honest and see where that takes me.


I apologize for sounding self-righteous. I will hopefully be growing out of that soon.

(Photos of Carla Ghee, Prune, and Cheespie. For just a few examples of some of the best people in the universe who I am too lucky to be loved by.)

the best little lonely housewife

just lonely housewifing around.
except then yulie came home so I enlisted her help to take all the photos of me. timer portraits of oneself are a lot of work.
a lot of arrogant, self-absorbed work.




"so I've learned from the internet that all you do is drink every day and make out with everyone"
no.
"and you take a lot of pictures of yourself"
mmhmm.
sigh. it's funny how I would think twice about having a crush on anyone who was known as someone who makes out with the world, and yet I think it's very funny to continue to make it seem as though all I do is take down babes forever.



so much of the time I am not making out with babes. Like there are about 8 hours of the night where all I do is sleep.






leaving leaving leaving.

there's something about winter coming that's making me want to fall in love.
luckily I'll go ahead and continue to spend time with people who are unavailable or leaving or distant.




I'd be good at falling in love because I'm perfecting my forlorn face.


remember high-school dating? remember incubate-and-bonding? I miss that.
these days I'm too afraid to even say I'm interested in someone I've already kissed on the mouth. I don't know how to compliment or open up or ask for anything.


I remember leaving a highschool boyfriend's house one night and almost getting to the truck and then running back to kiss him again.
that.

It didn't matter that we only dated for two weeks. while we dated for two weeks we fucking threw ourselves into it.
I want to throw myself into something again.

all I know how to do now is hold back and hold back and be careful never to be the first to admit anything.






I walked into the living room the other day and announced, "Okay, fine, I admit it. I want to fall in love. I want a relationship."
and yulie didn't look up.

It's bizarre how I feel like deciding I'd like to openly seek love makes me feel like a failure somehow. Well, I'm nothing if not insane.
I stand by the idea that looking for love should be very fun, however. If you can figure out how to make it fun (ie, kissing people on the mouth or making jokes about wanting everyone) then that's the best time.












This all only started because I bought this dress in Saskatoon in the summertime at Value Village (naturally) I never wore it all summer, I don't know why. Even though I took the time to hem it with a ruffle (and get rid of about 6 inches of length).
So now I'm wearing it at least.

yep, time just keeps slipping out from under me these days.


sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorryblog.



also have not been keeping up with private blog AT ALL sorry long-distance family you don't know every minute detail of what's going on with me, my bad.

I've been very, very busy doing pretty much nothing at all, which seems to take a lot of time, effort, and money. classic.


(this wig has been hanging out at my house and I keep putting it on and forgetting about it. It makes me kind of miss having dark hair! also, in this pictures I am being a "comedian". funny, yeah?)

I do swear, though, that at any moment I'm about to settle the eff down.

Maybe now that my slate is actually clear of babes this will become true. Especially since because of the pact I cannot go out looking for buffers.



Maybe you're wondering what a buffer is!

In terms of babes, I am very, very into buffering. When I'm in a situation where I'm not getting what I want/I think I'm about to get hurt/it's not enough, etc, etc, then I will specifically look for new involvement in order to make me feel better.
Pretty cool move! 
If you get enough babes to have crushes/possibilities with/get to kiss on the mouth, then you can pretty much just rotate through them and never actually stop to think about any of it. There's always something exciting on the horizon, ya know?

Part of the pact I've made with my friend specifically involves not doing that. Because mostly buffering a situation just ends up in a bigger mess. And more stress to deal with.
(Ha, sometimes you just gotta yell BUFFER THAT SHIT and go out on the town, though...) 



I've been thinking a great deal lately about trying to figure out what I actually feel about situations. Because there's:
A) What I should feel (as per society's standards/friends' reactions/etc)
B) What I do feel (at that moment, but it changes so quickly, too)
C) What I want to feel

Sometimes I think it's possible to just decide to feel something. Maybe occasionally.



I went on a date last week. It was very specifically a date, partially because I was lamenting how I never go on dates, and partially because this dude particularly owed me a whole evening. For various reasons. Mostly to do with how I have been a really terrific friend/person to him (for the most part, and also if I were really I probably wouldn't write this in the blog.. but I don't care right now, this is part of how I sort things).
And now he's no longer going to be around in my life. For reasons which I always knew.
So there's been the constant back and forth of trying to figure out what I feel.
Do I always only want what I can't have? Do I specifically seek out people who are unavailable in order for it to fail before it's even begun? maybe I want the false romance of that unavailability...
Also this dude may or may not have said that I'm not interested in accepting love, which I found a bit rich at that moment.



It's funny how uncomfortable I was with the idea of an actual date, though, I'll tell ya that for free. Too much pressure. It ended up being a lovely evening-- dinner, movie, pub, and then we even started a dance party at the bar later. And drank on a deck with another of our very favourite people until 4:30 in the morning.
My life is very fun and interesting, even if it is a big messy most days.

So... now I'm in pact mode in earnest and the only thing that is saving me right now is that CRUSHES ARE STILL ALLOWED. even though that's a bit of buffering it's not real-time buffering, it's just make-believe.

oh god, crushes are my ultimate favourite thing.
(along with christmas)


I also went as dollface's date to her family's Thanksgiving. 3rd time in the past 4 years I've been and it's always very fun.


classy ladies...



I'm a good date, I am friendly and make awkward jokes with your grandmother about her stealing out of my purse "I know how much money I have in there, so watch yourself"
(hopefully I wasn't actually offensive!) 


Yeah yeah we (Dollface, mostly) were in charge of the centre-pieces. Awww so nice.


I also am good at hitting on you. Invite me as your date to everywhere, everyone!

Okay gotta go now!

But I will tell you that my improv teacher last night told me that I'm naturally very charming.
haaaa, bear in mind that I've been nothing but rude to that guy since meeting him because I find him  intimidating. 
Not always the complete little gremlin I imagine myself to be, I guess. 
(just most times!) 

this is a good snapshot of what my life is like these days

ew, my landlord called me at 9 a.m. this morning. RUDE.
and so I've been up since then. A bit dumb, considering how I went to bed at 4ish.
A BIT TIRED NOW.

hahaaaa I was trying to describe to someone why I don't like certain blogs and how they are all boring like: "today I did this and then this person came and then this happened and went here and bought something and then drank"
aaaaaand then I realized, HEY, that's my blog!!!!

RIGHT ON.

entertaining!!!!!


Prune and I went to Bellwoods last week with kaya. Kaya loves Prune more than me. I can deal with that, I just don't want to have to. so now Prune is not invited to hang out with the dog anymore.

(ugh, fuck guys, just kidding)


Prune and I have a big love and Yes, she is that pretty. I knowwwww.


also, this outfit was killing me. I love the hiked-up tights, that's how I wear my tights all daylong. as Prune says "now my belly won't get cold!"

aaaaawwwwwwwww

Kaya doesn't care at all if I throw a stick or run around. But if Prune does it it's like magic.





remember when it was a sunny spring there for a minute? where'd that go? all rain all week. all rainy and grey.
it's okay okay I guess. I'm taking a mini-break for party-all-the-time for the next couple of days.

actually, planning on toning it down. I know I keep saying that. but... well, there's nowhere to go but maybe relaxasaurus things a bit. ya know?

plus I have 1 billion good ideas in my brains that keep slipping away because I never write them down. Nice, hey??
plus I have some good ideas still that need writing down.







I showed my apartment a lot this afternoon. It was bizarre. I WANT TO STAY HERE FOREVER. no. no, I'm ready to move. It's just hard.
I think it is not going to get easier over the next couple of weeks when I go through everything and clear everything out and pack up stuff...
Luckily I am keeping myself occupied by planning for the new place. I've got a notebook on the go that's just for ideas of what I want to try in the new apartment.

I'm also thinking about theme-parties and funtimes we can have there. Obviously.

KEEP BEING EXCITED. that's what I'm telling myself.

Flash Gordon and I were talking last night about how we both have lived in the same places and worked the same jobs (together) for the past 5 years. I feel like moving is setting things in motion in some ways. It's learning how to go through changes and get used to new things.
I'm going to hopefully stop being set-in-my-ways, and more open to people and learning how to take care of a home and respect spaces.

Just another part in my self-training for becoming the best mum ever.
what you're not supposed to tell people all the time that you want kids someday?
fuck that. you know what I hate? when people go on about how they don't want kids because they think it makes them somehow cooler than people who do.
Wanting to be a good parent is a totally cool goal and I'm the coolest guy I know of.
Or will be in a few years at least.

Also, at some point I'm pretty sure I'm going to be the best partner ever. IN CASE YOU WANTED TO APPLY.


Responsible parents drink double-sized bottles of Corona, right?

Me and Carla Ghee should probably just have babies now. We're so calm, collected, settled in our lives.  And goddammit are we responsible!



Uncle Norman won't be allowed to hold the babies. hahaaa. just kidding, Norman, you can.
Actually, I really like Norman's new blog post. All of his blogs, actually.



Oh yeah also, last night we were at Hoops:


and Ellefry (favourite bartender, obvi) insisted I should blog this perfect caesar she made for Flash Gordon:





hahahaaaaa Flash Gordon face.

Also then one of our friends from the comedy shows we go to was in this commercial that kept playing and Flash Gordon insisted it wasn't him and I insisted that it was and then I emailed him saying something like  "PROVE ME RIGHT" (paraphrase) and he happened to be at his friend's place across the street and came by and told Flash Gordon that I was right.
Haaaa, great timing!
I need more people to just show up and say I'm right. for sure! 

Then he stayed for some beers and we chatted away. awwww funtimes with friends!


I wore my Canucks colours and then we won!!

I ended off my evening by going up to dot for a bit with the gang, which is always nice. Especially if I'm going to take it easy a bit this week (and by easy I mean, not be at the bar until last call every single night).

Wish me luck!

Also, someone come over soon and start packing for me. Yeah?
Or at least come eat cookies with me.