playing cute and not settling

I went and visited my agent last week and picked photos.
We got it down to these two:

and

We decided on number 2 in the end. But now I think I'm changing my vote back to number 1. Hmm. Weigh in!
Please? 


This one for casting workbook as well because I have a giant grin on my face and there's nothing more charming than that, no?

I find it stressful dissect what I look like.
I think for someone of medium-good-looks I think I have a healthy handle on what I look like, why it's good and why it's bad, but it's still hard to feel awkward about certain features.
Like one's weight. Ugh! What a trite subject, something that I find offensive to have to worry about.
I'm healthy, I walk everywhere, I eat alright mostly. I don't know. 
I find hanging out with my agent, knowing that he knows that I am a bit too fat for real success in film and tv, to be a bit stressful.

As a regular human, as a staunch feminist, I don't agree with it only being skinny skinny women on our screens. I don't think that 30 pounds should be the difference between character actress and lead. I'm such a nice size for being a normal human being and yet I hate my body so much of the day. And I hate myself for not working harder to tone-up or not being able to say no to beer and fries.

How upsetting!

I'm super lucky! I'm well-made and attractive, it's such a shitty buzz that I constantly feel like I'll never be good enough. It's a shitty buzz that if you are not-quite-skinny it's almost a more awkward place to be for acting than fat.

ANYWAY.
I know I've said all this before, just stressed out about it again. How fun!


Soooo serious!

srsly.


on facebook I captioned this one: "you know that awkward stage kids go through where the have to start playing at being cute because they are not actually cute anymore? yeah."
I stick by that caption.


In this one I look like someone I'd want to be friends with. ha, in case you were wondering.



Do I feel embarrassed having this for a face? Oh god, obviously!
My teeth look good here, though. That's good! I still want to get them fixed.
The other day I made a rough list of things I would purchase if I had money. It was thousands and thousands of dollars worth of things.

I would like to learn how to fix cars. I'm not sure if I'm joking about this or no.


I'm pretty fucking pale, hey?
I'm pretty into it. I could do without the constant blushing but I will not complain about my skin. I've been lucky, thusfar.


Nice colours in these photos. Arrow did a real good job, my agent was impressed. Also relieved that I finally got new photos done. Ha.


What I like a lot about these shots is that I think I look like me. I have no desire for photos where I look way better than in real life or where I look a bit put-on.
That's what Arrow and Mrs. and I talked about, too, and aimed for. That I wanted a super honest shot. I think I can have an openness about me in my performances which is my best asset, no contest.
So I need a photo that conveys that as much as possible.


THIS IS EXACTLY HOW I FEEL HALF THE TIME

THIS IS EXACTLY HOW I FEEL THE OTHER HALF OF THE TIME.

haa, but I do mean that. I feel like those faces are beyond classic in terms of honest conveyance of what I'm about.



Speaking of partying, for some godforsaken reason I ended up at Cheval (a nightclub in the nightclub district which is kind of the worst place on earth) on Saturday night pouring Grey Goose (suuuuuper awkwardly) into my mouth.
Ha! I will do anything, go anywhere for the experience. Except maybe no more clubs?
It was actually super funny, me tagging along with two of my favourite Sweet Thingers (it's funny how every member of SweetThing has been my favourite in different moments, I like that) and I turned to mwaters and said, "we're at a club!"
hahaaha.
Dayna managed to get me a ticket to hang out with her at their show on Saturday where they opened for Down With Webster at Massey Hall, so that's why we ended up at said club, for the after-party.

Haaa the door guy worked at Aunties forever before and I was so happy/surprised to see him but I think he was double-shocked to see me in his line-up. In fact I believe his words were "I never thought I'd see you here". hahahaahaa you and me both, sister.

Oh yeah and before that we hung around while Sweet Thing signed autographs for all these girls after the show and I was laughing so hard. Man, I'm the rudest, I know. But, really, I did think it was the best. So great. I want to say adorable but I know that sounds condescending.
Swag swore never to sign autographs in front of me anymore. Awwww. They love Swag like nothing else. He is pretty babely.
For some godforsaken reason mwaters has decided to wear a poncho this tour. A yellow one with no shirt on under. I don't know why. But overhearing the girls talk about it was amazing. "I just want to know why".
I just felt like I was watching myself 10 years ago hanging around waiting for Treble Charger to come out and sign my converse-released single (still own, jfyi).



We did a good job on partying at the club, stayed til the end almost. I looked for babes but I found them severely lacking, except the ones I came with of course (chortle chortle sigh).
and I had a bit of a heart-to-heart with mwaters, who has long been on my passive-crush list and is someone I think highly of but don't always know how to communicate with.
mwaters inquired as to why pretty girls are mostly awful humans. I offered that it's because they're always looking for the next best thing.
I'd say that's pretty accurate.
You get an idea of how good you are in your head and look for a date accordingly, the more inflated your sense of self becomes, the more you can't "settle", even if "settling" would maybe land you someone who you'd actually be even and well-matched with.


(haaaaa I like the juxtaposition of my face in the middle of this story)

Not just for pretty people, but for people with bits of money or fame or talent or genius, too. The fear of settling and the desire to land the ultimate best we can get makes us all into assholes.
Totally flawed logic and probably not always done on purpose, but I still think that's what's going on a lot.

If you add on my determination to find people who are a bit insane, romantic, huge-loving, then you can understand why I feel the idea of a sustainable relationship is a bit out of my league and scope of understanding at this juncture.
Although still something I aspire to be able to get to at some point?
Who knows!

In case you were wondering, I find it annoying when people express upset on my behalf of my singledom.

And I feel that I'd get less of that if I were male. Just saying. Busy sowing my wild oats over here these days guy.



Hey, also, have you found that blogs these days are getting really, really awesome? About real things and getting into actual issues? I'm very pleased with this trend. Especially when it's as well executed as it has been lately. 
Today I'm specifically looking at:
Accost and Jones' blog about their attempts at being more reg: two regular men
and
Cpt. Heh's sobriety blog (heartbreaking and necessary): sober in the city

100% more than worth a full read, both of those links.

it's true, I just love a good meme

ohhhh hiiii
I keep thinking I've updated and apparently I haven't at all. howww awwwwful.

If you think I don't want to use this as my #1 headshot, you are very wrong.



haaha same face.
That upper picture is from around the time I was finishing college so about six years ago I guess... 21? I don't look much different these days. A bit fatter-faced maybe, a bit older.
Should I cut off all my hair?

But yeah, so Arrow did my headshots for me this weekend. He's like a one-stop shop for doing stuff for me. Awww, no but really I do owe him a lot.

I'm not going to post them all in this one entry. I'll just put the best of the red-shirts? I guess so, yeah.


hahahaa I'm a serious loser. So sweet and tender.

I would like to file a serious application with someone to get a new face. A face which matches my personality.
"aw you look so young, no wonder I can never take you seriously" -MY MOTHER
man, if that's what my mother thinks... no wonder people always think I'm a child, or that I'm a sweet human, or that I'm trying to date them, or that I'm trustworthy, or that I'm not talking about them behind their backs.

Luckily in motion my face has a few more gremlin-like qualities I enjoy and feel are more fair.
haaa

You know that hipster disney character meme that is everywhere lately with the dark glasses added onto them?
Yeah, that's my life.

I REALLY ONLY LIKE DRINKING AFTER HOURS


I USED TO RIDE A FIXIE BUT NOW I'VE LOST INTEREST

HIPSTER MEMES? SO PLAYED OUT.

CHOOSE BETWEEN WES ANDERSON AND THE COHEN BROTHERS?
I COULD NEVER.


ughgughguhhh my face, man. my face! so stupid.

Let's do a couple where I look "cute". hahaaha gross.

I stand by my "serious loser" theory.


In this one I am a wife. Doesn't anyone want to marry me these days? I don't get it.

cannot take my face seriously.


Okay, almost decent.

Mrs. was helping out (thank you both verrry much) and she kept making me crack up so bad. but in a good way. I like Mrs. and Arrow a lot both are funny and both are my friends and they are a couple. weird to find that sometimes. Lucky me.

I still have more photos for you later, or you can click through to see them in my flickr stream.

God, I am so tired. Luckily it's snowing/raining and I don't have anything I really have to do tonight... except apply for jobs.
Why don't you give me a job, yeah?

Look how fun and pretentious I am!

on how I'm a know-it-all with no tact

These latest headshots are of this lovely lady. I'm happy with the shoot. And she's happy with the shoot.
I like being happy with shoots.
Still frustrated with my equipment. Still have to sort out what my plans are.



My cousin pointed out how in previous entry where I said I did not mean to be patronizing that that's exactly what I was doing.

This is a fair point. And I feel like I should say something about it on here, in case anyone else noticed me being a dickweed.



The problem with me is that I've always been a know-it-all and a holier-than-thou.
I'm not even sure how I kept this up, especially given how hated I've been and how everyone is constantly pointing out that I'm wrong and annoying.

I'm also so easily swayed and have problems having real opinions on things.

ANYWAY

When I said,

Being creative and nutso is hard work. Sometimes I imagine being the type of person who is happiest working a couple of jobs to make enough money to go to Mexico for an all-inclusive in February.

I'm not even meaning that in a patronizing way, it sounds rather nice.
And you wouldn't have to worry about being extraordinary.

I knew that I was being an asshole. But I should have clarified more.

One of my stadium co-workers who has a full-time job was talking about why she wanted to work multiple jobs and she said
"When I'm at home I think, I'm not doing anything... I might as well be at work making money"

This is such a foreign idea to me!
To not want to spend time at home because of having nothing to do?

Don't you feel the crushing guilt of not doing every creative project you've been thinking of?

So, I am jealous of people who have no interest in being a creative type. Not jealous enough to wish that I weren't creative, because I'm pleased with creating (when I get around to it) and have big plans to become amazing at several different art forms in the future.
But jealous in that I wish I could just be at home watching TV and not feel guilty for all the things I should be doing. I wish that at the end of each week I wasn't horribly sad at how little I've gotten done.

If I had a job that I went to and then came home and made dinner and went out for a glass of wine with my friends, and was happy, that would be great.
Then my leisure time would actually be leisure time, not feeling-guilty-for-not-creating time.

Though, I will say that accomplishing and getting stuff done and making things gives me a high which is pretty much unbeatable (possibly slightly above a great new crush, even!).

My cousin was concerned that I was attacking people like her who work 9-to-5 jobs.
I did not mean to attack anyone, really.
Plus, my cousin is one of the most creative people that I know (and is better than me at most things). And she has her life way more together and has kids and a super-great partner and a well-paying job.
I HAVE NONE OF THOSE THINGS.
I have debt and never go to work and babes who think I'm dumb and big plans that I have yet to follow through on.

I feel like she probably has it the hardest -- kids, partner, job, plus creativity that needs to be dealt with.
Where would you even have the time?
Plus she is good at her kind of job and is lucky to have found something that is a good job and is interesting.

I'm jealous of her. And not in a patronizing way. For serious.

yessum

yes.

yes, I should get my teeth completely fixed and whitened. I'm jealous of other people's perfect mouths.




I want to get new headshots done. No, wait, I need to get new headshots done. I wish I could shoot my own but I can't quite. Who will do it?






the best is when I was going through these photos of this lady and editing them, a commercial that she's in happened to come on. Kind of lovely. She used to be a brunette. Looks great either way.





Tomorrow, tomorrow (well, today I guess since it's past midnight) is the start of my holidays! How fun is my life!?

Also tomorrow is my clothing swap and I'm kind of excited and I bought a box of wine to make sangria and I have three garbage bags of stuff to get rid of and hopefully everyone I think is awesome will come here and swap with me but I won't get too much new shit only great shit and then we'll eat guacamole forever. Or until it's gone, at least.

it's easy when the subject is easy

 Hey, I did my friend's headshots on Sunday! Despite some technical stupidity on my behalf (ughghghghhh) I'm pretty pleased with how they've turned out. And She seems pleased as well!


(this outfit that she's wearing is actually a jumper thing with pants! Amazing.)


This friend is also the proprietor of Sub Rosa Vintagein Kensington market. I wish I had a vintage store. I'm jealous of everyone in the world most of the time.


This shoot was really fun and pretty easy because this friend is super good at posing so I didn't have to do too much, she knew what she wanted I think and what faces to make. Probably photographing actors is always easier than non-performers who feel awkward with attention/posing. 



You can feel free to compliment her in my comments if you want to. Also you can tell me which one is your favourite. For fun! It'll be just like a drinking game only instead of a drinking game you'll just pick one. 



I'm not sure this red or the background is the ideal choice for a headshot, but there's something really lovely and warm about this photo, I think, like she looks like a really loving little mum.. anyone with me on this one?

I wish I had money for a new fancy lens! Does anyone want to buy it for me?
Also, a HUGE thank-you to Dollface for letting us use her condo for this shoot-- it's pretty much ideal and my apartment is completely not ideal at all. Does anyone want to buy me a studio? I'll let you!

Huge pile of clean laundry on my bed right now and when I got back from brunch with the BFF I could tell Ruth Buzzi had been sleeping on it because she smelled lovely and fresh. I love Ruth Buzzi. Just saying. I also love brunch, clean clothes, the BFF, and coffee (for putting me in this great mood right now).

This blog looks really good right now like I am a fantastic partytimer. imho.