it's just always playing catch-up around here

(this is maybe my favourite picture I've taken recently)

I didn't have internet for a few days there!! it was the worst! I hated it so much and now I'm so behind on all my stories but maybe I'll quit watching my stories until after Christmas because I have SO MUCH to do and so many work shifts and SO many crafts to make and we have netflix on our TV now and there must be some Christmas movies on there? Right? Which ones? Any?


Look, Prune and I accidentally dressed like twins! we hadn't seen each other in a couple of months, even. And that's what happens. Classic.
We went to see Metric the other night at the ACC. I never get to go there as a guest so it was a pretty big treat. We also got to drink after the show with everyone in the upstairs club on account of I kind of know a couple of the dudes from that band from when we went to the cottage years and years ago and I ran into them last week and got pulled into partying forever with them:


I got carried around for awhile, I think? I also had the worst hangover of this year the whole next day and I'm pretty sure I announced to them that it was okay to party forever but I'd just QUIT MY JOB THE NEXT DAY DON'T WORRY LET'S GO TO AN AFTERPARTY.
Luckily I did not after party. Luckily. And I went to work, like a semi-responsible adult.

Also my outfit was beyond dumb (those earrings with that sweatshirt!), so big congrats to them for still being nice to me!



I love Cpt. Heh so, so much still. Which is good. Yesterday I made him go to the Christmas tree lot with me and carry home a tree!
(actually it was his idea, more. Which is great!)

I was very, very pleased. I've never had a tree this early, actually this is my VERY FIRST CHRISTMAS TREE, really! We decorated last year but we didn't have an actual tree, but this year Turkey Bird and I are both so into Christmas it would be dumb not to have one!
I was very handy last night and widened the cheap new tree-stand's holes with a drill all by myself and also sawed off the bottom branches of the tree with a bread knife! I wanted it to be all nice when Turkey Bird came home!
I forgot she was getting in late and I got a text in the middle of the night that said:
"OMG that tree is amazing"
and then:
"Our tree. <3 nbsp="nbsp" p="p">hahaahaahahaaaa awww so beautiful I could weep.

I don't know when we're going to decorate it but we're going to do lots of craft ornaments like strung popcorn and cranberries which my mother NEVER lets me put on her tree. And orange slices and hopefully salt dough and gingerbread ornaments as well. I'm very, very interested in that!

Liiiike, maybe I lay under the tree for a bit last night.

my roommate, Turkey Bird, on her birthday wearing a party hat that Cheespie knitted for her! So cute!

Love a good Dirty Thirty!


this is what I look like most days at my office job when I'm sitting at my desk.

I got new glasses. They're alright but now that I'm devoted full-time to being good-looking (hahaaaaa) I hate hate wearing glasses. None of them are my favourite. I feel like a frump no matter what.


Look at this face I hang out with lots.



A big, big problem I'm having these days is that now when I don't feel like wearing make-up or doing my hair or putting on nice clothes I feel waaay worse than I ever did before.
Oh god, life is tough, I know.
Does that medium make sense, though?


This hat has changed my life. I think my life will become divided into two parts: Before Hat and After Hat.
Just kidding?
But it is a strange hat that has powers maybe, but I'm not sure how good those powers are?
I actually have way more to say about this but not right this minute because I don't have the time.





Wow, okay, good. You're updated a little bit then. I wear heels now sometimes. That's also a thing. A weird thing.
I like it for now. 

I'm already standing on the ground

been staying at Dollface's the past few nights while she's out of town on "business". I like Kaya.

Kaya does not understand about timer photography. She thinks I'm running back and forth to play with her. You wish, dog. 

I was grumpy but I already took pictures of these boats and I thought if I got in the picture too then it would be more interesting.
I have a couple of shifts at work this weekend like a real employed person.

These kittens are in a window by Norman's house and there were six of them all asleep in a cuddle-puddle in the cage. did my heart pretty much melt out of my chest? yep.
GIMME.

 I tried to take a picture of how witchy it was out last night but you can't really get the whole picture. I was a bit in love with it though.
Now I'm listening to the Eagles because I obviously have had that witchy woman song stuck in my head all day and it's just gone from there...


Went to a fashion launch event thing with Norman last night. I was feeling too tired for proper party and he was a bit POed that I went home real early. I know, I'm lame.
Actually I haven't been out past call at all really this week... hey maybe I am calming down! that'd be so weird. (also, I wouldn't count on it!) 


the view from the roof at this party last night was wonderful, though. and the company was good and the fashion was super-neat. I'm just tired.
I'm still tired. tired, tired, tired.
I did have a lovely brunch today at Aunties and Uncles with Carlos who is in town for the weekend. Nice to see her! And nice to go to Aunties, I hadn't been in forever and it's still sooooo good. I always feel a bit sad when I've eaten it all and the soup was something like pumpkin squash apple cider.... uh huh.

this is for wimps

I am v disappointed in this snowstorm!

oh, except there's lots of good jokes about it on twitter, so that's good.

Hey, Sarahb has a new video!

Sarah Burton - How Good You Are from Flatline Pictures on Vimeo.

yo, ducks!

I went on such a nice walk today with my bestdogfriend, Kaya. Usually I walk Kaya in the evenings but now Dollface has started a Bay Street office job (WHAT?) and so I'm going to take Kaya out the days sometimes. Dogwalking in the day seems different than at night.
But I'm pretty happy to have the excuse to have a time to be up by and a reason to get out of the house. It's way easier to keep momentum than to build it, for me.
So hopefully now I'll be out of the house sometimes and get more stuff done? Seems slightly likely.



I still love walking. I like bike riding, but I love walking. I look forward to walks in a way that's different from most other things. It totally clears out my mind and relaxes me.
Although my shins hurt a lot right now.




I bought the This American Life radio show app and now I can listen to episodes while walking but then I just laugh out loud in the street like a crazy person. It's kind of the best. I guess I'll just have to choose only serious episodes to listen to.
Or only listen to the funny ones at night. I found that my scarf last night was good for hiding my laughing behind. I just had to be a bit quieter and no one would notice...



Kaya and I went down to the lake shore today and it was really gorgeous out. Kind of chilly, especially by the water, and kind of grey but still super nice. I barely ever hang out by the lake. It's huge!



There was a huge flock of geese and a huge flock of ducks and I wanted them to fight but they seemed like buds. Kaya likes ducks! And Kaya seemed to find it amusing when I made duck sounds. Though who the fuck can tell what dogs are about?!
Not me.

Her life is a cliché.


Niki is in town and staying with me for a bit. So I went out with her and Noodle last night to Ronnie's. Ronnie's is pretty much a joke, hey?



Guess how much I feel like being on babe break? NOT AT ALL.
I haven't officially announced or decided that it's begun.. I'm still thinking on it. And flirting with babes. Obviously.
When I was thinking about babe break while in Saskatoon it was easier because it was Saskatoon. But have you been to Toronto? THERE ARE SO MANY BABES. I see all of them! And it's winter time and they are so cute in their tuques and beards and plaids! Aii.




Oh yeah also went out with Dollface, Violet and NN on Sunday night and scoped some babes and mostly drank a lot of gin and tonics. So delicious. Not to point out the obvious here but man, I love going out with ladies. Especially funny and fun ladies. I'm kind of glad we didn't get in to Dakota. I liked our own bar crawl and running into other buds.



I love Toronto. I think this might be the first time where I was excited to come back here after Saskatoon. I love Saskatoon but it was feeling a little small this time around. I think it'd be the best place to be with a partner and best friends, but I'd hate to be single in Saskatoon right now. Plus there's so much petty shit in certain circles and nowhere to go to escape it. I loved staying in and hanging with my family and I loved driving around, but I found the social aspect to be a bit wearing this time.
Still want to live there at some point again. At least for a bit or part time or maybe film stuff there or have a cottage out there. 



I do miss my mother though. And my whole family.

From my cousin's blog:
Also, one of the most beautiful Christmas trees I have ever decorated. (Tragically scarring my children by 1, involving them only minimally in the decorating process and 2, not being interested in showcasing school crafts on the tree. Refrigerators, walls, windows - fine. But not my tree.)

Well, actually, Rachel snuck a penguin ornament with a picture of herself onto the tree in a wall-facing corner and I have left it there because I enjoy the touching symbolism of my little waif sneaking representations of herself into my austere Christmas - like a glimpse of a seventeenth century orphan through your frosted window panes.

haaaaa classic.

passion is passion

On Breanna's blog a few weeks ago she was addressing how sometimes her over-excitement about babes causes them to not like her anymore and how she needs to hold back sometimes and learn how to cool it and take it slow.

I think this is a valid standpoint and a valid worry. And I think a lot of us have this fear and concern.

But I also think it's not that simple.

(my voice teacher in college was super, super against "you" statements but I'm not sure how to phrase some of this otherwise, I'm just stating my opinion.. plus it's about time I took my voice teacher off that pedestal and stop having a long-lost crush on him still, gosh.)



So, okay:

Smothering someone and contacting them every few minutes in a way that you wouldn't even do to your best call-me-every-five-minutes friend is irrational and obviously a bad idea. Being upset at someone because they have other friends and other commitments and are legitimately busy, is also crazy (though if you suspect that they are not being as forthcoming about possible other involvements or how they maybe don't like you enough, then you're probably right. instincts = right so much of the time.)
Expecting someone to make you their #1 priority right off the bat is also pretty ridiculous (this is what I do).

If you are panicking about whether or not they like you then take a breather. Back off and figure out what you actually feel.
(classic meredith)

If you feel like you are trying to force them into something or they are just not interested in the same way then you're probably right (again something I need to be told from time to time. also everyone I know).

Violet's favourite thing to say to me is "That guy sounds like he sucks!" and she's usually ridiculously right.
If this person is already being bad news and you barely know them, then what's the point!?

This goes back to my theory that you actually know inside what's going on.
You can run it past as many friends as you'd like (15 friends if you are me) but you still know what's going on. I mean, if your instincts are still intact and haven't been completely mangled by this life/shitty involvements/dating books/bad advice.

You cannot trick someone into actually liking you. Also cannot trick someone into actually dating you.

We can, however, delay the part where we have to admit that it's not going to work out.

Useful tactics include:

1. playing games

2. being rude and standoffish (aloof to put it classily) 
(hahaa classssssic. also, this is just a form of game-playing, obviously)

3. offering sex without commitment
(in hopes that since we are having sex that means we are actually about to fall in love. This is the most common thing that seems to happens in my circle. Are we really this naive? Yes.)



Purposefully playing games and monitoring your actions and getting advice on every sentence you say / every text you send is also a bit nutso.
I mean, yeah, take things slow if that's what you need right now and how you actually feel like going about things. Or if you feel like that is what the other person actually needs (for whatever valid reason).
But I feel like drawing things out and hiding what you feel and pretending you don't care only delays the inevitable realization that you are not meant to be together.

Or, WORSE, you could end up in a situation like one of my best friends where in retrospect they realized that they both thought it was the other person who wasn't interested, the other person who was only about the physical interaction.

Honesty, man, it's too bad that we couldn't be honest more often. Stings more maybe, but way less drawn-out-heartache.

Virtually every single time that someone says they are not looking for a relationship they mean they are not looking for that specific relationship. With that specific partner.

One time a co-worker-friend of mine made me promise to read a book entitled "Why Men Love Bitches". Despite that promise, I have managed to completely avoid any such book and the idea of such book makes me want to barf onto my own face.
(ha, although, you may think I've read this on account of how goddamn rude I am so much of the time)

**I will, of course, need to mention at this juncture that I am not generally successful at relationships (to put it lightly) and I'm pretty nutso in all sorts of ways. I also do not follow the advice in this post but I am trying.. so leave me alone for a minute. **

Though... I do not regret ending any relationship. I do not regret relationships that the other person ended. They were for sure right.
I do not regret ways in which I've acted which were maybe a bit much for someone. Because that's what I'm like!
I am a bit much sometimes and I'm stupid and open and whole-hearted about things and I think that's fine.
I have a bunch of awesome to back it up. And a nice set.

If someone is easily put off by one thing I've said, or one text I've sent, or one email that happened too soon, then clearly (clearly!) they are not the one for me!

I think a big thing that happens so much in dating (Toronto dating especially, ugh) is that we forget we're dealing with actual human beings.
Each person is different and so specific -- they are not defined by your first impression of them or what you want them to be or the fact that they text you 3 times in a row, or the annoying thing they said once, they are so much more than that.
I know that I make that mistake, and also I like people too often based on talent or looks or what someone else thinks of them and that isn't particularly valid either.

Also, in Toronto especially, everyone is looking for the next best thing. People (particularly us women?) are looking for someone who is cooler than them, sexier than them, more successful, with more talent, etc., etc.
But then what can happen is we spend the whole time feeling not-quite-good-enough. And the insecurities degrade the interactions.

Or we get caught in situations where the physical overpowers the emotional. Using someone for sex is still not that cool. Not to point out the obvious here, but I feel like acting like you're in a relationship with someone (or leading them to believe it's a possibility) because you enjoy having sex with them can be a bit wearing emotionally. On all parties. (when I read that back I definitely read that as "On all panties" haaha)

This goes back to the whole best friend thing I was talking about awhile ago. People are forgetting what they actually want in a partner and are pursuing people who obviously they will never feel equal to or worthy of, even when they ARE obviously equal and worthy, but once the power imbalance is that vast it's terribly hard to right.
Does that make sense?
I wish this were clearer. Hmm.

I am the CEO of being hung up on people who just aren't interested in me, and the Captain of thinking I can win it.
I'm not saying this behaviour will change overnight, but I'm saying that, in the end, I don't want to spend time with someone who doesn't get why I'm the best.
I want to spend time with someone who gets why I'm the best and gets why they themselves are the best. And how we'd be best together.


Wow, I did not mean to write this much on the subject, but there you go.
This life is hard and dating is stupid and even if you like being single it's still stupid and the pressure and the possibilities and the crushing disappointment of when things don't work out...

And it is crushing when it doesn't work out. I know, I know.
But for whatever reason that doesn't make me less eager to go out and get my hopes up every five minutes.



Now Listening To: Wamp Wamp (What It Do) by Clipse
Mood: Need a drink

life job

I have to tell you, since I have taken a bit of a step back from my party-all-the-time lifestyle I have a bit of a fear of being seen as a loser.
Does this stem from high-school when I had no friends? Probably.




Anyway, I want you all to know right now that I have PLENTY of opportunities to go out on the town and do billions of wonderful fanciful things and chat up 100 hunks/night but I am CHOOSING to be a bit more calm about things these days.



It has just occurred to me (yes, I am a bit slow, thank you) that I am not taking full advantage of my current situation.
What I mean is, when again in my life am I going to have jobs that take up so little of my time? When will there be another time when I have such few responsibilities?
Right now I work so few hours that I could be working another full time job on top of the jobs I already have. In fact, most people that I work with do have regular day jobs.




So, I'm trying to treat my life a bit more like a job. Use this opportunity to hopefully become more of a "regular man" (see also tworegularmen.blogspot.com for more on being a regular man from Accost and her bff). An upstanding citizen of society (haahahaaaa).
I may even do my taxes.



This summer was stupidly fun and fairly ridiculous but there's only so long that type of lifestyle can go on (no, actually it can go on forever, I've realized. It just probably shouldn't).
I'm not saying that I won't be right back to my party-all-the-time lifestyle 2 months from now (especially if some babe comes along and breaks my heart or something, that's always a good excuse for ridiculous behaviour) but I'm saying that today I'm giving something new a try.

The good news thus far is: I haven't been to a bar since Tuesday and I haven't had a cigarette since Monday. I've spent significantly less money and am feeling less bloated and sick from partying every night. I've completed one major craft project, several little ones, sewn 2 items, and I've been working quite hard on some (really wonderful) writing projects.



If I want to be a writer, and I think I'm concluding more and more that I do (since no one will just write my damn ideas out for me already), then I need to start actually writing. Treating writing like a job. I have to learn how to write even when I don't feel like it. I need to figure out how to keep going and how to work through things.
Right now I expect that I can just sit down and write something and it'll just come out genius. This is probably not true (and definitely not proven) so I need to do some actual work.




I'm 100% certain (yes, actually, technically 100%) that I have some genius ideas. But I bet most people do. It's only the ones who follow through on them, who are willing to keep going when it stops being fun that get anywhere.



And, MAN, do I ever stop when it stops being fun.
WORST CHARACTER TRAIT
along with laziness, of course.


I never go out onto the balcony on the 2nd floor. Though I could, in theory, the exit is off the hallway and my neighbour is never home, anyway.




It's a good thing it's lovely out these days and that Christmas is coming (two months until my birthday!) because it makes it way more possible for me to feel positive and hopeful.
Also, I really think keeping up with my vitamins is the best plan.