sickish

Been feeling kind of sickish this weekend and took the opportunity to huddle-down with Netflix and cats.

Yep, both of them slept beside my legs. I wasn't allowed to touch Béa of course or she'd nip at me. But still!

It's nice to have a bit to sit around and feel sorry for myself and wallow in melancholy and all that. Sometimes even when I know things are for the best, it's still sad for a minute. That's okay, that's okay.

So, I just watch TV forever.
Movies movies movies.
I watched The Other Woman and Fish Tank on Saturday while feeling whiny. Cool moves. Both are good! Cried all evening. So cool!

The Other Woman

Don't watch this trailer unless you like knowing everything about movies. I don't like knowing anything about movies before I watch them.
I feel like the name of this one is misleading. This is more than about being the other woman, it's a study of greif and family and desires versus realities and how hard love in all forms can be.
I cried through all of it, basically, obviously.

Fish Tank

this trailer is good, doesn't give it all away.
This one is at times slightly hard to watch, kind of disturbing. But beautiful and honest in a way that I really like. Strong performances and quite heartbreaking.

Saturday night after watching those I concluded that comedy is pointless and all I'd ever want to create is beautiful, difficult, art. I only want to play sad characters and make heartbreaking movies for you to cry over.
Ha!
No, I do feel like that sometimes and I have an irrationally strong fear (irrational because this would require even mild success on my behalf) of being pigeonholed in comedy and not taken seriously as a dramatic actor.
hahahahaahahaaaaaaaaa
HAAHAHAHA
HAHAAH
ohhhh lordy, Meredith. What cool moves you have, being worried about things that will never happen because you never do any work.

Have I said anything about Tiny Furniture?

I've been wanting to see this for awhile (ever since I hear about this woman born in 1986 getting her own new drama for HBO based on this one feature, basically) and now it's on Netflix!
This film is so good. so good.
I mean, I knew that this film was basically designed for me exactly, but still. So much about it. Particularly the body image/appearance stuff and the young creative class stuff and the stuff about dating these days, etc, etc, etc.



I've heard some funny resolutions this year and one of my favourites has been Violet's resolution to become a good gift-giver. As long as I've known her, Violet has not been interested in the sport of gift-giving, in any capacity. But she's starting to get good!
Anyhow, I sort of forced her into buying me some awesome metal snowflakes, and she also got me this pearl necklace.

Pretty!
Extra useful since I've been looking to become a more classy of lady and I've pretty much exclusively been wearing pearl studs.

(as an aside, Nic didn't know what a pearl necklace meant, in sex-terms, until yesterday. she thought it meant "oral sex, in general". I love her.)


(also Killary got me this Merry Mistletoe lip gloss for Christmas and it is more than fitting and makes me smile to look at it.)

It turns out, for me, 28 is the year that I start being mildly nervous of aging. It all starts to go so quick!
They say your perception of time speeds up the older you get and so each year seems quicker than the last and I would say that that is true, true, true!

What did I yell at a bar the other day? "IT'S GETTING TOO LATE FOR ME TO PRETEND TO ANYONE I DON'T WANT A MILLION BABIES"
classsssssssssssic, beyond classic.



Soooo. I think I'm in love with Odette.
Look how stoic and patient she is with me! What a sweet, soft darling. Like a baby seal pup.
She is just so, so lovely. What did I do with my time before I had cats to chase around all day?
My roommate is out of town so the cats are forced to be friends with me. I went to sleep with both (!) of them sleeping on my bed and I woke up with both (!) of them still there. Miracles of miracles. I bet they had a billion adventures galloping around in the night, though.
I wonder how many hours and hours of my life I've wasted away spending time trying to make cats pay attention to me...

We had our first meeting with our new improv team and coach last night but beforehand we may or may not have passed a bottle of $6.95 wine and talked about our feelings. I loved it. We loved it.
Then the meeting/work went really well. I've missed improv! (we've been doing premise work and writing more with my con class these days, getting away from regular improv and long-form)
So I reversed my position on doing only sad, sad, big, important art and went back to thinking that in order for me to have the best, most funtime ever that improv and comedy as a whole are going to continue being 100 billion times important to me.
Obviously, obviously.
Aaand I love my team. Serious, fierce love right now for them. So excited for getting to work and play with them.


(this cranberry jalapeno jelly from my friend is so, so, so good! jfyi.)

she didn't put out, though

guess for how long I generally hit the snooze button?
an hour!
I always have such good intentions for the mornings or even early afternoons and then I just snooze-button through them.
it's not the worst. I am not the worst these days. I'm still getting things done. A lot of work this weekend and a lot a lot of the best kind of socializing.




I'm better at having fun these days. I keep thinking I was always good at having fun but I'm pretty sure that's not the case.
Partially now it's because I have systematically friended all of the most wonderful people in the universe to be my bffs and hang out with me.
These days I can generally find someone I quite, quite like to accompany me to shows I want to go to or hang out with me until 4 a.m. or have coffee in the middle of the afternoon with me.
this is a big contribution to my overall well-being and general happiness these days.
Also, possibly a factor, is my continued commitment to being in charge of my own fun, and my constant resolutions to avoid unnecessary stress. I'm not the boss of these yet, but hopefully some day.
And with that I hope to (somehow) marry being a good worker with being the happiest.
It's all in the works (by 50 I will have figured it out, maybe... but, hey, nothing really actually matters, so that's alright!).




The other night I came home after a long shift and told Norman that I'd probably stay in for the evening. Of course that meant that he came over and we stayed up until something like 4 or 4:30 drinking whiskey and talking about love and art. We were joined by Yulie and her bf and even by our other bud around 3 in the morning.




Norman and I curled up under the Christmas duvet on the couch and reveled in our heart-breaks and our big future plans, and mulled over our current life situations.
Kind of a perfect way to spend an evening.
even the sadnesses sometimes are lovely if you can detach enough to get perspective. Sadness is reassuring because it can be proof of good-hearts and investment in things.





Last night Flash Gordon took me out on the town for a big date to celebrate my birthday and Christmas!



She knows about my current interest in dates and how I never go on them and took the opportunity to take me out on the town and show me a good time!


She got me flowers and gifts! whatthehell! the gifts were the best because they were re-gifts and found things which makes me so much less uncomfortable! Plus they were awesome.

Also, this may be obvious already but it can't hurt to tell you again, I love Flash Gordon.
Haaaa, we went to comedy bar on Sunday and in the bathroom I asked her about if she loves me. She does.
It's funny how some friendships are quick and strong right away and some sneak up on you until you turn around and realize that you're accidentally the best at being friends.
Flash Gordon and I worked together at the stadiums for years now and did a Fringe play that she wrote maybe three summers ago (four? two?) and even after that it took us quite awhile to realize how we should spend more time together.
I think it started when we started going for sushi after work together. So it was nice that we did that again for our special date!




sushi dinner and white wine!

hhaaahaa. so fun. I felt awkward about it being our big date. that's my classic move, feeling awkward on dates.



We went to see Hugo in 3D after dinner. I'd never been to a 3D movie before! I like Hugo well enough. I wasn't blown away by it, but it was nice. 3D is weird. I got a little bored of it after awhile, I found it harder to concentrate on the story because the 3D was distracting me.


on our way out I told Flash Gordon that she wasn't being a good date because she wasn't spooning me on the escalators down like the other couple there, so she happily obliged.


hahaha :) awwww
Flash Gordon and I think each other are the funniest and we fall over laughing at our own selves mostly every few minutes. THAT IS THE ULTIMATE FUN.

We thought about kissing at the end of the date, but... I'm a lady, so...

what a lucky lady I am most days these days, guys.

Aw man, nothing like counting your blessings and thinking about how much you love your friends to get you in a good mood. Now I feel fantastic.

Gotta get to crafting and then shopping and then working tonight!
So, so much to do and it's about to get crrrrazy busy for here on in!

Friday night is my birthday Christmas get-together, Sophiyka and Mike's Christmas party is Saturday and then I'm hosting the Christmas edition of Mixtape Club on Sunday and then I work Monday and then home on Tuesday. JESUS! yikes! wonderful!
so much to do!

I want to see everyone before I go, and I want to see everyone in Saskatoon so bad!
it's finally starting to feel like the holidays!
it comes so slow and goes too fast!

yep, time just keeps slipping out from under me these days.


sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorryblog.



also have not been keeping up with private blog AT ALL sorry long-distance family you don't know every minute detail of what's going on with me, my bad.

I've been very, very busy doing pretty much nothing at all, which seems to take a lot of time, effort, and money. classic.


(this wig has been hanging out at my house and I keep putting it on and forgetting about it. It makes me kind of miss having dark hair! also, in this pictures I am being a "comedian". funny, yeah?)

I do swear, though, that at any moment I'm about to settle the eff down.

Maybe now that my slate is actually clear of babes this will become true. Especially since because of the pact I cannot go out looking for buffers.



Maybe you're wondering what a buffer is!

In terms of babes, I am very, very into buffering. When I'm in a situation where I'm not getting what I want/I think I'm about to get hurt/it's not enough, etc, etc, then I will specifically look for new involvement in order to make me feel better.
Pretty cool move! 
If you get enough babes to have crushes/possibilities with/get to kiss on the mouth, then you can pretty much just rotate through them and never actually stop to think about any of it. There's always something exciting on the horizon, ya know?

Part of the pact I've made with my friend specifically involves not doing that. Because mostly buffering a situation just ends up in a bigger mess. And more stress to deal with.
(Ha, sometimes you just gotta yell BUFFER THAT SHIT and go out on the town, though...) 



I've been thinking a great deal lately about trying to figure out what I actually feel about situations. Because there's:
A) What I should feel (as per society's standards/friends' reactions/etc)
B) What I do feel (at that moment, but it changes so quickly, too)
C) What I want to feel

Sometimes I think it's possible to just decide to feel something. Maybe occasionally.



I went on a date last week. It was very specifically a date, partially because I was lamenting how I never go on dates, and partially because this dude particularly owed me a whole evening. For various reasons. Mostly to do with how I have been a really terrific friend/person to him (for the most part, and also if I were really I probably wouldn't write this in the blog.. but I don't care right now, this is part of how I sort things).
And now he's no longer going to be around in my life. For reasons which I always knew.
So there's been the constant back and forth of trying to figure out what I feel.
Do I always only want what I can't have? Do I specifically seek out people who are unavailable in order for it to fail before it's even begun? maybe I want the false romance of that unavailability...
Also this dude may or may not have said that I'm not interested in accepting love, which I found a bit rich at that moment.



It's funny how uncomfortable I was with the idea of an actual date, though, I'll tell ya that for free. Too much pressure. It ended up being a lovely evening-- dinner, movie, pub, and then we even started a dance party at the bar later. And drank on a deck with another of our very favourite people until 4:30 in the morning.
My life is very fun and interesting, even if it is a big messy most days.

So... now I'm in pact mode in earnest and the only thing that is saving me right now is that CRUSHES ARE STILL ALLOWED. even though that's a bit of buffering it's not real-time buffering, it's just make-believe.

oh god, crushes are my ultimate favourite thing.
(along with christmas)


I also went as dollface's date to her family's Thanksgiving. 3rd time in the past 4 years I've been and it's always very fun.


classy ladies...



I'm a good date, I am friendly and make awkward jokes with your grandmother about her stealing out of my purse "I know how much money I have in there, so watch yourself"
(hopefully I wasn't actually offensive!) 


Yeah yeah we (Dollface, mostly) were in charge of the centre-pieces. Awww so nice.


I also am good at hitting on you. Invite me as your date to everywhere, everyone!

Okay gotta go now!

But I will tell you that my improv teacher last night told me that I'm naturally very charming.
haaaa, bear in mind that I've been nothing but rude to that guy since meeting him because I find him  intimidating. 
Not always the complete little gremlin I imagine myself to be, I guess. 
(just most times!) 

crown and anchor me

HI HI HI HI HI HI HI HI HI HI HI HI HI HI HI HI



everyone around here is in a pissass mood! not too terrible or anything, but bits of sadness and big decisions and not being treated properly or trying to figure out what we're doing with our lives.

I was just absent-mindedly staring at my bedroom door wishing someone would come in and Yulie came in and lay down beside me.
It's not so bad having roommates.



Went to the Ex with Dollface and we ate a tonne of shit and bought things. I bought sculpey and a dress and some sandals. We walked around a lot. Next time I'm finding a ride buddy for sure. Though I'm pretty sure I'd be way worse at rides than I used to be. My stomach is now a little bitch.





Not to point out the obvious here, but, man everyone is so self-centered these days, hey?
It seems actually unreasonable.

I don't know guy, it seems like the more selfish, messed-up, deservist you are, then the more good things come your way.
Should I start? Probably.





A lot of shitty things have been going on for me lately, in all aspects. I feel mildly fine, though.
Like maybe I just have to keep on like I'm going, keep being the kindest person I know how to be and hopefully at some point it will come back to me?



I did just about blow a gasket when Yulie and Onesie came back from the cottage on Sunday night and I was bundled up in the big chair feeling sorry for myself and watching a movie and Onesie said "oohhh looks like somebody didn't get rid of their grumpies"
UGH.



Life just 100% is not fair. It is not fair in every way. Like why did Jack Layton die? That's not cool!
Especially since Harper is in fine health and spirits. Not not not fair.




I'm not really ever into gambling but Dollface and I were walking through the Ex and I saw a game called "Crown and Anchor" and since all I ever do is listen to Joni Mitchell I wanted to play it. It was a wheel one, who knows what it's called and we had to put money on a symbol. First round Dollface lost a dollar and then the second round I put a dollar and got two back. Took my three dollars and left.
Pretty funny. Not a bad way of gambling.




christmas ornaments I started yesterday! So fucking tasteful. Onesie said they are maybe too pretty. They are much more delicate and delicious in real life. I will try to take better photos later.




I am the kind of genius who thinks to mix nutella with plain yogurt and put it on fruit salad. FUCK YEAH.
mango kiwi melon salad


rain on the living room window.
It's cooling down a bit these days. I'd just barely noticed it was summer and now it's slipping away.

I can't wait to get to Saskatoon.