Went with Miss Lindeman to her show on Saturday night. We didn't stay late at all. I love Miss Lindeman very much and she has a new album coming out which I would be will be wonderful and I've heard some of the songs off it..mmhmm.
Everyone is sad these days, it seems.
Myself included, though I have to say, I feel like how much I've been going out has not been a bad thing, necessarily. Sort of like I'm beating off the winter blues by refusing to acknowledge that I should be hibernating. Like we're grouping together and drinking beer and laughing until we fall over because otherwise we'll freeze in place.
I know I've said it before, but, if throughout my life I manage to have even half the amount of wonderful perfect friends I have now then I will count myself over-lucky.
Ha, the other night one of my buds (who is older and committed) was like 'I can't believe you don't have a boyfriend, why don't you have a boyfriend?' and then he said, 'you gotta settle down, it's the best'
This is pretty much bullshit, and pretty rude and condescending under the guise of being compassionate and helpful. He's sort of like that, wants to give advice and tell you what to do. Which is funny because he has his own spotty record in terms of relationships. He's still lovely and everything, but stuff like that gets to me.
Like society doesn't do enough on its own for making anyone single feel nuts and panicked.
And feeling nuts and panicked seems to me like the ultimate way to get yourself into a shitty situation. It's the best way to consider people you know aren't right. It also leads to breaking your own heart by getting worked up about all possibilities and pinning your hopes on idiots.
Actually, pinning anything on anyone.
And I'm still of the opinion that being with the wrong person would be way lonelier than being alone.
And, also, it's silly to make it seem like being single was all up to me. Hmmm.
I'm not officially off BabeBreak, which I guess means by default that I'm on it still.
But I'm feeling very differently about it than I did right after Christmas. Or even before Christmas.
(reasons whyfor BabeBreak this time around are here)
I think Christmas (and then this awful part of the year right after Christmas) can be very hard. Christmas is stressful and overwhelming and it's an awkward time to be alone. Even if you are normally not lonely, or not even currently lonely. The time of year and other people can trick you into thinking it's lonely. Especially if your 19 year old brother is bringing his girlfriend to Christmas and at 26 you've still never had a relationship anywhere near that serious.
I wish I hadn't gotten it into my head that maybe I am holding myself back from finding true love. That by not admitting to wanting a relationship, by not actively seeking one, then of course I wasn't going to fall in love, ever.
So then I said I officially wanted a relationship.
Ugh. I'm sensitive to phrasing things.
I don't want a relationship for the sake of having a relationship. If something comes along that makes my already funtimes more fun, then we can talk. But I don't want that to be a priority in my life-- seeking something out, always looking for what's possible and not enjoying what I have.
I'd like to fall in love someday, but if it's not right away then I can't really care. I'm not going to stop being good at being single in hopes that it makes me more able to fall in love or some other bullshit.
Obviously, I go back and forth on this a lot. Don't we all?
My BabeBreak slip-up a couple of weeks ago was actually purely an accident, not planned at all I mean. I ended up making out with this dude I vaguely know in the back of the bar in kind of an obnoxious way.
But it doesn't matter, that's the best part!
It was so fun and it doesn't matter. I have no interest in said dude and he for sure feels the same, and it's just dumb and fun and rather lovely to make out for no reason.
The problem is that you can rarely find a situation where both people just think it's fun. Usually someone is taking it seriously.
And I find myself taking it seriously when I really shouldn't. And I also find that I have a harder time separating sex from emotion, and ideally I guess I'd like for them to go together. Which is why I really don't sleep with that many people (TMI? probably, but it's honesty which I appreciate most in other people's writings).
I do think that I have not acted properly in the past. I think I do need to be more careful. And it does sometimes get to the point where I feel like any dude is a possibility that should be thought about.
And so taking a minute away from babes to clear my head about things is not a bad idea.
"I forget how to be sweet to people and how to stop being defensive and rude."
I think that is still true and I think I accept less than I deserve sometimes.
But in terms of people getting warned that I'm too much drama, or thinking that themselves... Ha, that's just kind of pointless. They're probably right, then.
And maybe my idea that maybe women frequently are thought of by men in two categories (people they would date and people they would have sex with) is maybe a bit true, but also bullshit in terms of a person to person basis.
Fucking fight for me.
You know?
So in terms of whether or not I'll keep on break? I'm just hoping to stop pushing to see what I can get and what I can get away with. And I'm hoping to stop wishing for what I don't even really want.
Haaaaaa, yes, let's end with a weird-eyed picture of me waiting in Aunties? Perfect.
Also, the pictures above of the puppy and Prune are at Prune's place where there was a remarkable amount of wine and cake on Saturday night. Exactly the type of place I like to be.
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