office lady

I guess now I am not the kind of person who needs alone time. That, of course, is not totally true. I am spending way less time alone these days, though. Way less. I'm working so much and have so many friendships to tend to and babes to look at with my hands.


I'm working at the theatre a lot. I work in the office sometimes during the day and in the evenings I work front of house. It is different than working at the stadiums. What a treat to be able to wear ones' own clothing! I'm not kidding around at all.
I like the desk I sit at because it's in the middle of all the action and everyone socializes with me and everyone gets entertained by me and I give opinions on things no one even asked me about! So far no one seems to mind. My boss introduces me to everyone as a comedian and is constantly urging me to say funny things. Today he was very impressed with my outfit, thought it was just hysterical. "the hair!", he said. We discussed whether or not I looked like Jo Anne Worley.

(basically twins)

He came back at one point and I had removed the glasses and he was pretty incensed and demanded a reason. "I was interacting with patrons" I said and he said, "No leave them on, that's how they'll know we make art here."
So amazing.


I have a pretty good hangover going on today which I attempted to cure with lattes and mushroom poutine.




I borrowed that bracelet from my mother and I'm wearing it all the time lately. It's just so nice. I care about fashion now, guy. (not really only kind of.) I feel like clothes are a treat and picking clothes is a treat and I like putting different kinds of things on my body!!!!
Yes, I did take these photos at work, which is bad. Buuuut I did stay way late today dealing with a customer problem, soooo....



We had our first house party as this incarnation of roommates.
 Apparently Turkey Bird wandered around telling everyone how much she likes living here. Awww aww aww. It's a nice set up now, I'll tell you that for zero cost.


I cleaned my room up real good and everyone was shocked. I got rid of 3 giant garbage bags of shit recently so it was a bit easier. My room is so beautiful and romantic and I'll keep having parties if only to show it off.
I have three dressers. that's a true fact about me.
No undressers, though.
(terrible habit of making the worst dad jokes lately. am I compensating for not having a dad???)

I have a tendency to forget that I don't even like hosting parties! It was good, actually, it's just funny that you pressure all your favourite people to come over and then there's lots of other people and then you don't really have time to talk to anyone because you're hosting and you have to talk to people you don't even like thaaat much because you're a good host.
I hid in my room a lot with my good buds. And I drank, oh how I drank. Why were we drinking flavoured vodka out of the bottle while all sitting in my bed? I just don't know.


(brilliant screening choices)



Celebrated Nic's birth a little bit, though apparently I'm going to do more of that this evening. Lucky two birthday parties!


I duct-taped the cupboards shut and we got disposable cups. Good call! Easy breezy clean-up! (not that it's done yet, of course.)



I bought those prize ribbons to issue but no one was really worthy. I kept 'em all and everyone was pretty jealous I assume.

I love everyone so much these days. This is due in part to how happy I am, of course. But man, do I like people! So intricate and wonderful and awful!
I think people like me more these days because of how happy I am. I'm hopeful that it's not an arrogant sort of happy, or an obnoxiousness. I'm just glad to have this life and glad to be this guy.


yeah, so I bought these prescription sunglasses online and they came yesterday and I love them. Totally worth $20. mmhmm mmhmm. They are very silly but lightly tinted which means I can wear them inside all the time which means I'm now the best at being pretentious all day.

lurk & bang

Some days.


Turkey Bird and I cleaned the kitchen and reorganized that shelf so don't worry. Turkey Bird claims to like cleaning. Maybe I should try liking cleaning. It's all just a matter of deciding things, maybe. (it's not.)


During film fest Carla Ghee and I went ouuuuttt on the town. That's when I bloodied my shins. Low-lying stages are hazards. Shots are hazards. Carla Ghee and I are very much in love. She's a treat.




Also, we went to the sxsw party at tiff. Nic, Norman and I.
Norman and Nic are probably the most heavily influential people in my life these days. They know everything about me and are huge guiding lights and they have both (separately) watched me lie around on the floor in pure emotional agony (or I'm dramatic) in the past few weeks. I owe them both.
They are both geniuses. I liiiiiiike that about them.


hahaa I look dumb in all of these. I look dumb 80% of the time, so it's good that it gets represented in here occasionally!




Ron lives in his studio down the street now, instead of here with us, and they have a trampoline in their living room. I don't know why but I'll never object!


I need unlimited moneys. I wonder what I'd be like if I'd grown up with money, if I had funding for any project I felt like doing.
It's going to be interesting to see if I actually do get better at working, get better at taking myself seriously, etc.

hot air

 My lovely family arranged to get my mum a hot air balloon ride for her birthday. We were all supposed to be there when it went up in late August but that day the flight got cancelled. She rebooked and got to go up yesterday. That top photo is my very favourite. I love, love, love, love the bit of the basket in the frame.

 I stole all these photos from my mother's facebook. Thanks, facebook!

 Now I want to go up in one. My goodness, Saskatoon is pretty.

 Almost done at the theatre today, and then working two plays tomorrow and then I have Monday off! A whole day off! I'm going to have a massive nap when I go home soon here. And I'm going to like it. Then I will go to a house party and if there aren't babes there I will pitch a fit and win the hearts of millions. Oh man, I don't know. My eyes are broken I'm so tired.

I've been thinking a lot about writing. I've been hanging out full time with nic and she's a good influence about working because she's ambitious and takes herself seriously and takes me seriously and thinks I'm a genius too. So yeah, that's nice. We have BIG IDEAS so get ready for that.

This is basically the cutest picture I've ever seen, it's my mother on the right and my aunt on the right. Cute cute cute!

I'm very interested in my mum writing guest posts for this blog. Like bits from her life or whatever she'd like really but she is resisting my good idea. She says, "why wouldn't I just have my own blog?" but of course she isn't going to get around to it. And I know that she's a shy kind of a lady but I also know for a fact that she's a good writer and very funny and I feel like she owes me her memories (haa she will 100% disagree with me here and say that I'm being selfish which I am. I mean, of course.).
Also you don't have to be shy about writing little things that happened to you a hundred years ago that aren't terribly private or anything.

Also, I would like to point out the obvious here and tell you, if you're a shy kind of a lady you made a big mistake by having me for a kid.
I used to embarrass the hell out of her in line at the grocery store telling every cashier my entire life story (and hers along with it). I'm sure she regrets every single day that she ever told me I was born of donor insemination. Aw, I like my mum a lot.

floor-bed

Norman's out on the town and I'm not out with him, which is pretty bizarre! Although one time earlier this week we were out and he stayed in. Even stevens we are.



Speaking of-- Norman recently wrote a really remarkable blog about his long-time love of rap. Norman's blog is actually always worth the read. I'm not just saying that because our love springs eternal.
Oh, I just looked at his site just now and the newest one about his great-grandmother is just so, so lovely.


I bought clogs. I don't remember ever even thinking about wanting to buy clogs. These were very cheap. I'm into them. Weird decision, certainly.

(a ghost came and the ghost was like "heeeeyyyyyyyyyyyyy")



Comedy is hard. Do I talk about comedy enough? It still feels very foreign to me that I'm a comedy performer. A "comedian". There's only so long I'm going to be allowed to feel new about it.
I used to think I'd hate the part where I'm constantly examining why something is funny and how and so on. I don't hate it. I find it interesting. I can't imagine feeling more sure and unsure at the same time about something.


(birthmark back)


I would pay all the money I could find/borrow/steal to just buy a shitload of confidence to use at my convenience. I'd pay it no problem because I'm certain that's the only thing keeping me from doing all the things I should be doing.
Getting there, getting there.

I've always been a late bloomer, in pretty much every way. I lost my last baby tooth just before entering 9th grade. It takes me awhile to get to things, sometimes. Most times.
So it's okay that now I'm a comedian. It's okay that I'm still scared of it and nervous about it and figuring it out. It'll be okay if I finally really do stand-up at 40 (or in a week or two, whichever).
It's hard to remember that youth is just the tiniest section of my life and everything that happens enriches and adds to what I already know and can make me better.

Not having dealines isn't a good excuse not to work, Meredith.

It is strange, also, to go from being an avid comedy watcher and enjoyer and supporter to being a performer and working with people I've admired. Going from being a fan to a peer, basically. And it's hard to imagine talking them into working with me, because of course I'm just the person who goes to shows, not the person who does them. Not now, though.
Oh, I'm so jealous of the easy, sturdy confidence so many people seem to ooze. So remarkably jealous.

But also, while we're on the subject, being a "comedian" isn't making me less bratty, I'll tell you that for free. It's (embarrassingly) making me much worse about pointing out what I don't like about other people's jokes. It's making me far more annoyed with how people go about humour sometimes. It's making it impossible to think about falling in love with anyone because they would have to be the funniest but then also that probably somehow wouldn't be enough or I'd just feel furious about not being as funny.
I'm not satisfied with my own level of comedy and so I'm remarkably hard on everyone else. COOL MOVE.



I'm still revelling in loving the jokes I love, though.  Lately I've been working a lot with one of my bffs, Flash Gordon, and we frequently fall over laughing. And the jokes aren't ones I can relay, I can just guarantee that to us they are pure magic. I wouldn't know how to bottle our interactions, explain them, or write them in a screenplay, but I wish I could because it's very nice.

Anyway.
Second Cottage Friendship Retreat Weekend this weekend. Where is time going? Looks like it'll be at least 12 (!) people up there at some point and I'm just so excited because we're going up for several days and lots of people are coming at different times and mannnnn do I like socializing.


(such a young-looking one, still. I wonder if I'll become a creepy old-young faced guy soon.)

I put my bed on the floor. Sometimes you just lose patience. This was one of those times. I have bigger plans for this set-up and I need my tablecloths back from Mrs (ohh yeah, Mrs is now ACTUALLY a MRS now. so bizarre) that she used at her wedding. Mrs and Arrow's weddings was one of the most lovely, tasteful, perfect parties I've ever been to. Aaaaaand I love them.

Also, guys, I'm taking the train back to Saskatoon real soon and I'm actually ridiculously excited for that adventure, and on the train I'd really like for there to be:
a) a mystery I get to solve
b) sweet babes
c) secret booze I don't get caught with
d) fun surprises

here's an honest bit

(I'm going to try not to backtrack and pre-apologize for my own self and my own thoughts in this entry. Try.)



I'm only interested in honesty these days. I have a big, big interest in honesty. I mean, I always have but lately, man. It's all I care about.

sometimes I don't think I get enough credit.

I don't get enough credit for being a rational human.
In the past I have certainly been less than rational. But then, who hasn't? I've been impulsive and interested in pushing situations and seeing what I can get away with. It goes along with being a young person. Everyone handles being young differently.
I'm still so, so young. And so selfish. I know that is very true.

I do have patterns. I have two-week involvements and I have few-month involvements. I've never been in a serious long-term relationship. I don't do this on purpose, it's how things work themselves out.
And there's been times in recent years where when something happens (or doesn't happen or fails to be realized) that I'll have people say things like "Oh, Meredith, when are you going to learn how to have a relationship?"

I love liking people. I am full-hearted and cocks-on-the-table in terms of my levels of affection for people I like. In friendships I pursue and rope in and befriend like there is no tomorrow. I tenderly whisper my love to my pals, or tell them in awkward loud yell-laughs, or write it in lots of letters if I feel too awkward around them. I like people so, so much! I love loving people and caring for them and looking out for them and being involved in their lives.
Want to know how I somehow wrangled the best people in the world to be my best friends? THAT'S HOW.
By caring about them until I could just burst into one thousand pieces.



I'm so proud to be with each and every one of my good pals. Just so pleased to have them on my arm and introduce them to people and take them out on the town. What a fucking lucky gremlin, I am!

So, naturally, it follows based on this being my personality, that I like babes. I like babes so much. And I have a real cool skill of being able to have a crush on such a wide variety of people. Sort of like how I have such a wide variety of friends in different circles who I like for very different reasons. If there's an element of kindness, honesty, and good humour in a human, I want them around me.
I see potential and interesting things in so many people, and I want to push that and pursue it.
I think humans are so intricate and detailed, and there is such, such beauty in everyone.

With friends, it goes so much more unnoticed if I quickly befriend someone and then they don't end up being close in my life. When it turns out we aren't that compatible, it's not revolutionary.
It's harder with babes.
It's especially harder with babes because society has set up relationships to be the be-all and end-all. They're everyone's ultimate goal.

I find this SO SILLY and also completely valid.


You want to build a relationship with someone and have them join your family and make a new family with them and share your whole future?
OF COURSE THAT'S IMPORTANT.
but.  if that's not what happens, then you're fine! I'm fine! It's fine to be alone! It's actually sometimes the most wonderful, coolest time. Partnership is not necessary. IT JUST ISN'T. (okay, maybe it is for you and I fully understand that and support it.)

Short involvements with babes are harder in my life because I get so involved and wrapped up in things and enjoy talking about it and dissecting it and dreaming about it. Which is natural, I believe.

The most simple reason why my relationships are short is because I know what I know when I know it. Maybe that sounds ridiculous, but I've never regretted ending anything. I've never looked back and been like "holy shit, how did I let that get away from me".
I know who I am, and I like who I am, and I know what I like.
And as soon as I get it into my head that the relationship would not last forever then I get out. I can't pretend, I can't stick around working on things that I know are not true enough. I think it does me and my partner a disservice by keeping us in something that's not good enough.

And I don't regret being dumped. By anyone. I don't regret having crushes that weren't reciprocated. All of this is just true things that happened, I'm who I am because of what has happened. If someone doesn't want to date me then lord knows I don't want to be involved with them either!
I've been involved with some brats, but for the most part I still really respect/admire/like the men I've been involved with. I've been lucky to know a lot of great people.

I know I'm remarkably un-choosy in my vast array of vague crushes, that's just a fun that I have!
I'm slightly more choosy in terms of who I kiss or date, and then ridiculously, horrendously choosy about who I will have a proper relationship with.
BECAUSE I SHOULD BE.

I don't have patience for people who stay in things that are not-great. Especially because it's usually out of fear, or out of the desire to fight for someone's love. To be validated.

Cool, I can validate myself at home, alone. if you know what I'm saying.

I'm so happy on my own. I'm me being me. It's easiest to be honest and the nice kind of person I want to be when I'm on my own.

If I'm going to be in a relationship it's going to be because it is as good, or better than being by myself. And if, in the first few months, it's not as good, then I'm right to get out.

And, guys, I have the best possible friends in the universe that I can't wait to see and can't wait to hang out with and until it happens that I can sustain that feeling with a man I'm dating, then I have no interest in that situation!
Until I feel like the luckiest person to be with him, and him with me. Then, no no no that's not a cool venue for me. Nope nope.



If there's a person who's going to be a priority in my life then they need to be the best person for me. So many men I know are the best people, but they are not the best people for me. And I'm not the best me with them.
I just can't be in that right now.

This is not about how relationships take work and how there are ups and downs. I see that, I agree with that, big loves are not simple and easy and always straight-forward, but that's not what I'm on about right now.

Relatedly, I think it's unfair to judge me for having a lot of crushes and for kissing people I feel like kissing since:
a) those things are very fun
and
b) how do I know what I want unless I find it?

And the thing is, when I'm in something, I'm in it. I'm just in it. I'm not crazy and looking at other babes, I'm good at being with one person. When I'm in something good I can't imagine being anywhere else. I'm loyal, and I'm a care-taker.

I just have no intention of living a chaste and restrained life, waiting for a husband to come and find me. I'm interested in being the most honest, having the most fun, and having big adventures.
Those are my priorities right now.

If a big TRUE LOVE never ever happens for me I'll be quite surprised, but I'm GD happy these days. So GodDamned happy these days.
And if you meet me when I'm 82 and I say, "I should have listened, it was my patterns that screwed me up, I did never get anyone a proper chance, I did only want what I couldn't have"
then you can go ahead and say I told you so!
Until then, I'm going to go ahead with crushes, and loving who I can, and trying to be the most kind and the most honest and see where that takes me.


I apologize for sounding self-righteous. I will hopefully be growing out of that soon.

(Photos of Carla Ghee, Prune, and Cheespie. For just a few examples of some of the best people in the universe who I am too lucky to be loved by.)

cottage dreams

I'm back from the cottage. It's much hotter in the city. The sun sets behind the cottage and it gets shady very early in the evening and cools down the house. I'm never too hot in the evenings there beside the lake. I like being chilly at night, wearing sweatpants, roasting marshmallows in the fireplace, sleeping under a big duvet.




I like the cottage, you may have guessed.
I read zero books. I drank one hundred beers. I ate everything in sight. Had some good chats, had some really, really fantastic swims.
It's funny because I'm a bit hesitant about going into the water at first. I mean, I still do it, but I wonder if I even like swimming. But once I'm in, man. Last one out, basically always.
Last night it was pretty cool all day and then it rained a bit off and on and I took myself out on a kayak expedition around the lake just before sunset and I felt the water and it was warm, so when I got back I went swimming.
so fucking lovely. It was maybe the warmest the water was all weekend. And Dollface was in the sunroom basically ignoring me and Kaya (the dog) wasn't too whiney about me being in the lake for so long and I just dicked around in there like there was no tomorrow.
The best.



Hopefully I will have more to say about this later. Right now I'm hot and tired. I'm refusing to get out of my bathing suit and I'm having a dinner beer. No interest in reality. No interest at all.

It was a super low-key and relaxing weekend. No mascara, no cool outfits, no one to feel awkward around.
In August I think it will be maybe 7 or 12 people or more or less and it will be way more of a party weekend and I'm excited for that. But I'm pleased at how relax-a-saurus this weekend was. Caught up on all my sleeping and lazing about.





this bikini is from Giant Tiger. Prune had the same one at one point, I copied her by buying it. I wonder if she still owns hers.



Thank god for blogs, otherwise what would be the point of taking all these photos.



Probably should go see what my bender gang is up to. I haven't seen them in a couple weeks, which in bender gang time is approximately one year.