addictions and honesty

A couple of weeks ago I had coffee with my friend who just got out of rehab. He says I'm allowed to blog anything, including that he's just gotten out of rehab because he is on a program of honesty. But I feel like I don't need to be specific about him, sharing preferences might change later.

But while we are on the honesty bandwagon here, I'll say that I was a bit nervous about this, our first one-on-one hang out since he's been finished the program. I've been on kind of an off-and-on bender for the past while (basically since I said I was going to start taking my life more seriously) so I felt embarrassed about that.
Also being the self-centered, functioning-alcoholic that I am I worried I would say the wrong things or feel defensive of my own habits or feel uncomfortable about his new-found beliefs.

Valid concerns.



We had a really nice hang, though. A lot of honest conversation and it was good to hear about what he's going through right now.

He sounds more warm and positive than pretty much everyone else I know these days. I think it's taking effort to stay like that, but when I saw him he did seem less cynical than he'd ever been.
I have it in my mind that being a recovering addict would be very depressing and hard and lonely and I think at times (a lot of times?) it would be. But probably if you could go about doing it right and making a new kind of life for yourself then it would be the best thing. If you could find enough support and counseling and new activities...
Not that it wouldn't be hard. No of course holy shit that'd be hard.

The idea of never drinking again puts me into a panic, I'll tell you that for sure. But that's why AA says one day at a time, apparently.
I realize that I am a problem-drinker. I have not hit any type of bottom yet though so I am still in it. I'm not at a point where I can seek help for it. I think a lot (a lot a lot) of us are at that point. I'm also still at a point where I could get out of it, I believe.
It's easy to find humour in benders and in ridiculous behaviours. It's easy to laugh off blacking out and think about how little fun staying in and going to sleep would have been.



I feel a bit of relief sometimes when I get to have a drink which is not a good sign, I realize that. But I am not drinking seven days a week and I am not the worst trainwreck ever. Just a bit of a fenderbender right now.



If the addiction is a symptom of underlying problems then I guess yeah, I should be making an effort to be finding out why I'm actually like this these days. I should probably be figuring out a way to really love myself.
Ha, that's the worst kind of hard work!

I have a meeting with a possible family doctor for me in a couple of weeks and I suppose I will ask her to refer me to a therapist. A therapist who is covered? Possible? Who knows! I've never met with a counsellor/therapist I liked because I am very manipulative and I can sway stories so it looks like I'm always the victim and should never have to do any work. I need a super-smart therapist who won't believe me and will see through me.
The problem is that I walk in and start crying and then they kind of have to believe me. It's hard not to believe a crying girl. Even if she's maybe crying over her own character failures and not the world's travesties.
It'd be good if I had a therapist who I liked who had little patience for my laziness/excuses.
Hmmm.



Talking to someone like this friend who is really trying to be positive and a good person and not worried about petty shit makes it very hard to be high-strung and rude about everyone. He was really not interested in my babe-drama or my gossip.
I'd like to be a positive person too you know!

Hanging out with him is making me sort of consider my own behaviours and hopefully I'll keep a handle on my life. It's also one of the things that's making me think about how honesty is obviously the best policy.

And I will say that I've been being really honest about things (especially babes) these past couple of weeks and nothing is perfect, but I'm feeling better about myself and have more hope for how things will turn out for me.
Example: AWESOMELY



cougar would like a minute of your time for feedback on what you've seen on my page, they have a survey set up here, which if you fill out they will donate $2 to the Red Cross. So do it. Please. Easypeasy.
(also, the red rain boots featured in the shitty hipstamatic photos here have officially been walked around in for hours by me and I will say they are very comfortable and very, very warm. almost too warm. in a good way. that's all.)

"just like the song I am taking on my business"

Here's the second pair of Cougar Boots I received.
Rrrrrred (red is best) Tibet style rainboots!
I flippin love rainboots so necessary, especially in Toronto. Especially if you're going to walk everywhere forever. I kind of can't wait for spring to really put these babies to best usage.
These are really well lined and thick-soled in a comfortable way. Also the sock-type upper part can be folded over or pulled up slouchy-like or folded down into the boot for extra lining. I like variety. I like to see what I can do with things.


Coulda used some red-eye-reduction. too bad for y'all.



I took Dollface out for a belated birthday brunch romantic-date stylez today. It was pretty lovely. Aunties is so busy all the time forever now. Even on a fuckin monday afternoon. The table near us were taking up a lot of room so Doll and I were both sitting on the same side of the table. It does feel oddly more intimate that way. Awww.
After brunch Doll and I drove around the city a bit. Cars here for sure feel like a treat all the time, hey?



I'm thinking I should maybe get back on track in terms of Life-Job. I'm really getting behind on things (ha, I've never even started anything). Okay yeeeah I'm going to do it.



I bought a couple of little Christmas gifts today! It's going to be here so quick like you don't even know it!

Cougar Winter Boots (photo essay jk not photo essay)

I'm a little bit excited for when it starts snowing.
Because I love winter! And I want to try out my new boots!



So the folks at Matchstick got the folks at Cougar boots to give me some boots!
Two pairs of boots!

I'm super excited about these boots as I actually technically need good boots for this city. In Saskatoon (where you would think one would be needing the boots) I drove pretty much everywhere in the wintertime, hopping from the car to the inside. But in Toronto I walk everywhere (so much so that I'm getting shin splints this week, haa I'm so weak) and I fiercely need some good boots to wade through snowbanks and slush.



Remember when those sort of fake-suede boots were popular with the buckles on the side? I bought a pair of those a few years ago and I remember wading through a snowstorm to get to my friend's place for an afternoon Christmas crafting party and my feet getting soaked through in the worst possible way and now whenever it snows I can't get that memory out of my head and I get panicked because there's nothing worse than cold feet (wedding day joke here).

NO MORE COLD FEET.


(in this photo you can clearly see the puncture wounds still on my left leg from cat attack, pretty amazing, eh? Also the bruise on my inner right thigh I have no idea where that came from I bruise so easily but it's an impressive one none the less. good thing I'm showing off my wrecked legs so much!)


These boots (Ravishing Black, which come in a couple of different yet similar styles) are guaranteed waterproof and with high activity are good to -30C (!!!!!)
I will let you know how they are holding up when it's actually snowy and wintery but I will say that what I like about them off the bat is that they're not too heavy or cumbersome they seem like they'll be good for walking. Also the soles are pretty thick and cushy but with good grips on the bottom.
I generally buy all my shoes a size too big so that I can put my gel insoles in them (I find gel insoles invaluable for walking everywhere and working on my feet and wearing vintage shoes, etc.).
Also I get all my winter boots a size to big so I can get those heat-reflecting insoles as well and wear thick socks. I am very serious about my foot comfort.
I think I'll probably not need either variety of insole in these guys but I'll probably put them in anyway for ULTIMATE comfort. mmmmmm.



I obviously love that Cougar is a Canadian company with a good reputation, I'm not going to lie.
Also, my mother owns a pair of vintage Cougar (yes yes we all want to make cougar jokes all day we get it how clever) boots similar to these:

and they are the ultimate warmth so I expect these ones to follow suit. Those vintage ones are pretty sweet actually.



Also I like that the foldover (fake) fur at the top can be pulled up no kidding I'm pulling that up to my knees when I wear skirts and tights out all winter (I hate pants) then with my long parka I'll be almost sensibly dressed.


I still have my red "Tibet" rainboots they gave me to review, I'll get that up for you soon! With more ridiculous photos!
Man, it'd be so rad if I had a roommate/boyfriend who felt like taking my picture all day I constantly underestimate how much time/effort it takes to take a billy photos of myself.
Wow, my life is roughhhh.



Just kidding I'm having more chai tea and watching Dexter and making Christmas cards and the cat keeps rolling herself right off my lap.

check out the Cougar boots website for more info on the company and they have a bunch of different styles there's actually a few more I want.. maybe next year...

remember when i met you i couldn't say your name

Wowwow I am terrible when I am not spending enough time by myself.



Even Dollface reminded me that I need "alone timez" last night when I complained of being a bit irritable. Classic classic meredith r. mistletoe.



I got my new COUGAR BOOTS in the mail today, though. The winter boots are apparently good up to -30 if you're active while wearing them.
I am going to be so pleased trying these out this winter.
I walked to work the other day (little italy to union station basically kind of a hike) for the first time in awhile it went surprisingly fast. Fast and easy. I always forget just how much I love walking.
Also it was stormy out and the air felt a bit crazy which is always the best time for walking really.

I try to walk both ways as much as possible all winter and these boots I got seem to have serious grip plus are waterproof man I'm just going to stomp my way down to work with the happiest feet. I kind of wish it would snow. Okok snow in 2 weeks then we can get this christmas party started 'round here, yeah? 



My house is uncomfortably messy right now and I'm glad that I have tomorrow off.
Having a clothing swap in the evening (come! no, seriously, if you want to come you should) and so I want to get the house into shape for showing off. Or at least making a little cozy nest for us to drink sangria in and swap clothes and gossip.



Though cleaning is not high on my list of favourite activities I do very badly need some quiet and that's a good way to get some. Just tidying up and taking care of my space and things.
I don't think I even know if what I'm feeling today is valid or true or if I'm just tired and need some space.



I wonder if I'll get tired of Plastic Bullet the way I'm sort of tired of Hipstamatic (for my own use, I'm still into other people's photos)? So far still love it.

I will for sure not get tired of that tuque I've had it since grade 12 probably. I know the girl who gave it to me regrets letting it go now that I've gotten 10 years of wear out of it. Best hat, though.

I need a boss!

It's funny how quickly time can slip away like I feel like I just updated this but of course I didn't.



A friend of mine was saying how she was following my blog and twitter and was jealous of how little I seem to do. Jealous? Ha! I am jealous of people with projects they actually feel like working on, of people who get to go to awesome jobs, of people with good work ethic and stick-to-ive-ness.
I have not given up on myself, but WOW (just a capitalized wow, not World-Of-Warcraft in case you're wondering), should I ever do more with my days.

Take today for example. I got up at noon and it is now coming up on 4 o'clock. WHERE DID THOSE FOUR HOURS GO?

I mean, I did spend a lot of time lying around in the bath.
And I did eat a hand-polished apple from the Dollface Fam (man, so many treats at their Thanksgiving!).
I did make and then eat some egg salad (sandwiches! with cucumbers and peppers and carrots on the side!)
I did watch Gossip Girl (whyyyy do I still do that?) and paint my nails bright red.



Let's get serious, though. What the fuck did I do for those four hours? Farted around on the internet, I guess. The internet is the WORST. Also, best.

I know there have been times in my life where I worked 60+ hour weeks but right now I just can't fathom the idea of doing such a thing!
Oh, unless it was on something I love. Then SIGN ME UP.



ughgughguh I need dealines! I need producers and collaborators in my life to boss me around and demand things from me.
Do you even know the piles of ideas I'm sitting on?
They are stupidly good. (I'm not even kidding really)
I just need to be pushed to do them. I need more people on my team to make things happen. I am the boss of not-getting-around-to-things.
I am the dean of making up excuses as to why I can't do things right now. 

Maybe I should have done more post-secondary? Maybe I should have taken harder classes in high-school? I honestly have no self-start ability which is ABSURD given the fact that I fancy myself a writer and a creator and a crafter.
So silly!


Oh Noodle is just looking so lovely.

I got more drunk than I meant to last night and Mrs and I both very much wanted to go to sleep on the couches at Sweaty Betty's. Mrs actually did for a minute there. I approved.It was our friend's photo art opening at 107 Shaw Gallery before that and it was super packed filled with hipsters and people I've made out with (only made out with about 50%, not that bad leave me alone. have you ever been single in Toronto?) but I have to say, for someone whose life should be filled with awkward.. it's really not that bad.
Actually everyone I know is in the same boat so we're all kind of evensteven around here.



Maybe been a bit more nutso than usual lately.
Luckily I'm in the mood for calming down. I'm just not sure when I'm going to get around to it.




Hey guess what?
I'm getting Cougar Boots!
I don't for sure yet which ones I will actually be getting but these are my top picks so hopefully I get them!

I am for sure going to have the warmest feet this winter. So pleased!
I actually fully need these as I generally walk both ways to ACC all winter and I walk Kaya all the time in the snowbanks and I do have several pairs of boots but none are pleasant to look at as well as being totally functional.
I will be letting you know how they are holding up, etc. Yeah Huh.

Time to clean out the fridge a bit and do the dishes. How's that for accomplishment??

worn-out phrases and longing gazes won't get you where you want to go (no!)

Yeah okay, I made that dress yesterday. I thought it was going to be a skirt but then whoops it was a dress. I don't mind when things like that happen. Sewing without a pattern means usually everything ends up mangled as I am not a skilled seamstress in any way. I can't even explain to you how limited my skills are, I just bluff my way through it and make stuff up.


I am pleased with myself about it though.

I felt a bit like a (sexy) square-dancer in it but that wasn't necessarily a bad thing. Also I wore my cowboy boots with it. I still really don't have a decent pair of stilettos. I own pretty much every other kind of shoe imaginable though.



I wore this out last night to the Raptors red party at Muzik and I have a bunch of pictures from that for you later I guess since I'm not getting around to it right now, but it was pretty funtimez for sure. EXCEPT it closed down around midnight. What are we, Cinderella??
I should have asked for some drinks to go!


I think Kaya was into my dress.


Yep.
Hahaaa I have a new favourite song it's Obvious Child by Paul Simon I played it at Dollface's (where all these pictures are taken and whose dog this is) one time and fell in love. The drumming especially for surely. Anyway I was dancing around like a maniac to it last night over there and Kaya was just standing in the way like a stubborn pig it was pretty funny. Kaya and I are tight.



So awhile ago a guy sent me an email which contained (among other things):  "though you won't be single for long because you're quite attractive" or something like that.
I found that irritating because I'm generally single. And I don't consider it to be that much of a bad thing. I get to scope babes, which I like. I get to have crushes, which I like. I guess I am looking for a great relationship but I also have no patience for lame people/relationships. I'd definitely rather be single than just date anyone. Lots of great people are single because lots of relationships are dumb.
I don't want to feel like everyone's thinking "wow she's been single forever I wonder what's wrong with her"
I'm a catch for sure. Not even kidding. I give backrubs.
Wow I should never write about my feelings on relationships and things, I'm just begging for rude comments about how no  one would even want to date me anyway.










Sunday I want to go to Comedy Bar for the Oscar Party that Poppy is helping to put on. I want everyone to come with me. Who's in??? Fancy drinking and making fun of long awards shows!!?



Oh yeah, hey guys, you can download Sweet Thing's new single with is called Dance Mother on their website! I find this song especially amusing since the album version says "dance mother fucker" and the radio (clean) edit is "dance mother mother" (I think?). This is exactly like on Glee when they sang Golddigger and it has the N word in it and instead of "she ain't messing with no broke n---" they said "she aint messing with no broke broke"
Awesome.
Sweet Thing are so nice. Also I like picture of them on their website, they look like little lovelies.


I think I'm getting carpal tunnels. Not a big surprise considering how much time I spend masturbating.
And by masturbating, I mean, going on the internet. Wow that sentence is awkward



I also always compute from my bed/couch and I don't have a mouse and stuff so my arms are used all weird-like for so long. And I've been editing a lot of photos and stuff today that's always a bit rough. I'm dumb I should get a mouse. I should also get a wireless router.



No one has complimented my new banner!

I just found out that I'm working 5 days in a row next week. This may not be a big thing for most of you but MAN does it make me happy. I'll be able to buy groceries! And even some cat food, you're welcome Ruth Buzzi!

oh hey could your diary be more inane?

Wore my Kodiak kids' boots out in the slush snow today for the first time. Awesometown!
Actually my heels are a bit raw from them but that's my own fault for wearing silly socks and stuff. So warm though! and they make me feel somehow invincible and tough (ha, obviously invincible people are tough)..

I am very pleased with my selection of boots this year. Moreso than ever before I think. Yes, definitely.
Mostly these three:

KODIAK KIDS BOOTS ($8.99, Salvation Army)
As mentioned above, they are also weirdly stylish this year. I'm glad that everyone is getting into warmth as style. I walk everywhere lately and so I appreciate it.

I splashed through puddles in these today and got my pants wet but never my toes.
These are the kind of boots that make me want to go toboganning...

VAGABOND BLACK LACE-UP BOOTS ($19.99, Value Village)
Well, they really only pretend to that they're about the lacing-up, but very comfortable and really dreamy. I like them more every day.

I just googled the company, apparently they don't even sell them in the Americas. Weird! Also, for some reason they remind me of something like what Jan Brett would draw. Like from The Wild Christmas Reindeer or something. Also, why don't I own that book?
Also, these are perfect because they are slightly too big and so I have 1 pair of gel insoles and 1 pair of heat-reflecting insoles and now they are quite delicious.

UNKNOWN-NAME BROWN BOOTS ($9.99, Value Village)
I got these in Saskatoon, I returned other, stupid boots and got these gems instead and they are awesome. I get the most compliments on them. They are very slippery and I fell very hard on the ice the other night while wearing them.


Okay. It's almost three a.m. and I've watch three episodes of Mad Men in a row and now I'm dangerously close to finishing watching all the episodes and then what??
Taking suggestions for the next show I will immerse myself in. Bonus points if it's available on a network website I can stream.