sickish

Been feeling kind of sickish this weekend and took the opportunity to huddle-down with Netflix and cats.

Yep, both of them slept beside my legs. I wasn't allowed to touch Béa of course or she'd nip at me. But still!

It's nice to have a bit to sit around and feel sorry for myself and wallow in melancholy and all that. Sometimes even when I know things are for the best, it's still sad for a minute. That's okay, that's okay.

So, I just watch TV forever.
Movies movies movies.
I watched The Other Woman and Fish Tank on Saturday while feeling whiny. Cool moves. Both are good! Cried all evening. So cool!

The Other Woman

Don't watch this trailer unless you like knowing everything about movies. I don't like knowing anything about movies before I watch them.
I feel like the name of this one is misleading. This is more than about being the other woman, it's a study of greif and family and desires versus realities and how hard love in all forms can be.
I cried through all of it, basically, obviously.

Fish Tank

this trailer is good, doesn't give it all away.
This one is at times slightly hard to watch, kind of disturbing. But beautiful and honest in a way that I really like. Strong performances and quite heartbreaking.

Saturday night after watching those I concluded that comedy is pointless and all I'd ever want to create is beautiful, difficult, art. I only want to play sad characters and make heartbreaking movies for you to cry over.
Ha!
No, I do feel like that sometimes and I have an irrationally strong fear (irrational because this would require even mild success on my behalf) of being pigeonholed in comedy and not taken seriously as a dramatic actor.
hahahahaahahaaaaaaaaa
HAAHAHAHA
HAHAAH
ohhhh lordy, Meredith. What cool moves you have, being worried about things that will never happen because you never do any work.

Have I said anything about Tiny Furniture?

I've been wanting to see this for awhile (ever since I hear about this woman born in 1986 getting her own new drama for HBO based on this one feature, basically) and now it's on Netflix!
This film is so good. so good.
I mean, I knew that this film was basically designed for me exactly, but still. So much about it. Particularly the body image/appearance stuff and the young creative class stuff and the stuff about dating these days, etc, etc, etc.



I've heard some funny resolutions this year and one of my favourites has been Violet's resolution to become a good gift-giver. As long as I've known her, Violet has not been interested in the sport of gift-giving, in any capacity. But she's starting to get good!
Anyhow, I sort of forced her into buying me some awesome metal snowflakes, and she also got me this pearl necklace.

Pretty!
Extra useful since I've been looking to become a more classy of lady and I've pretty much exclusively been wearing pearl studs.

(as an aside, Nic didn't know what a pearl necklace meant, in sex-terms, until yesterday. she thought it meant "oral sex, in general". I love her.)


(also Killary got me this Merry Mistletoe lip gloss for Christmas and it is more than fitting and makes me smile to look at it.)

It turns out, for me, 28 is the year that I start being mildly nervous of aging. It all starts to go so quick!
They say your perception of time speeds up the older you get and so each year seems quicker than the last and I would say that that is true, true, true!

What did I yell at a bar the other day? "IT'S GETTING TOO LATE FOR ME TO PRETEND TO ANYONE I DON'T WANT A MILLION BABIES"
classsssssssssssic, beyond classic.



Soooo. I think I'm in love with Odette.
Look how stoic and patient she is with me! What a sweet, soft darling. Like a baby seal pup.
She is just so, so lovely. What did I do with my time before I had cats to chase around all day?
My roommate is out of town so the cats are forced to be friends with me. I went to sleep with both (!) of them sleeping on my bed and I woke up with both (!) of them still there. Miracles of miracles. I bet they had a billion adventures galloping around in the night, though.
I wonder how many hours and hours of my life I've wasted away spending time trying to make cats pay attention to me...

We had our first meeting with our new improv team and coach last night but beforehand we may or may not have passed a bottle of $6.95 wine and talked about our feelings. I loved it. We loved it.
Then the meeting/work went really well. I've missed improv! (we've been doing premise work and writing more with my con class these days, getting away from regular improv and long-form)
So I reversed my position on doing only sad, sad, big, important art and went back to thinking that in order for me to have the best, most funtime ever that improv and comedy as a whole are going to continue being 100 billion times important to me.
Obviously, obviously.
Aaand I love my team. Serious, fierce love right now for them. So excited for getting to work and play with them.


(this cranberry jalapeno jelly from my friend is so, so, so good! jfyi.)

she didn't put out, though

guess for how long I generally hit the snooze button?
an hour!
I always have such good intentions for the mornings or even early afternoons and then I just snooze-button through them.
it's not the worst. I am not the worst these days. I'm still getting things done. A lot of work this weekend and a lot a lot of the best kind of socializing.




I'm better at having fun these days. I keep thinking I was always good at having fun but I'm pretty sure that's not the case.
Partially now it's because I have systematically friended all of the most wonderful people in the universe to be my bffs and hang out with me.
These days I can generally find someone I quite, quite like to accompany me to shows I want to go to or hang out with me until 4 a.m. or have coffee in the middle of the afternoon with me.
this is a big contribution to my overall well-being and general happiness these days.
Also, possibly a factor, is my continued commitment to being in charge of my own fun, and my constant resolutions to avoid unnecessary stress. I'm not the boss of these yet, but hopefully some day.
And with that I hope to (somehow) marry being a good worker with being the happiest.
It's all in the works (by 50 I will have figured it out, maybe... but, hey, nothing really actually matters, so that's alright!).




The other night I came home after a long shift and told Norman that I'd probably stay in for the evening. Of course that meant that he came over and we stayed up until something like 4 or 4:30 drinking whiskey and talking about love and art. We were joined by Yulie and her bf and even by our other bud around 3 in the morning.




Norman and I curled up under the Christmas duvet on the couch and reveled in our heart-breaks and our big future plans, and mulled over our current life situations.
Kind of a perfect way to spend an evening.
even the sadnesses sometimes are lovely if you can detach enough to get perspective. Sadness is reassuring because it can be proof of good-hearts and investment in things.





Last night Flash Gordon took me out on the town for a big date to celebrate my birthday and Christmas!



She knows about my current interest in dates and how I never go on them and took the opportunity to take me out on the town and show me a good time!


She got me flowers and gifts! whatthehell! the gifts were the best because they were re-gifts and found things which makes me so much less uncomfortable! Plus they were awesome.

Also, this may be obvious already but it can't hurt to tell you again, I love Flash Gordon.
Haaaa, we went to comedy bar on Sunday and in the bathroom I asked her about if she loves me. She does.
It's funny how some friendships are quick and strong right away and some sneak up on you until you turn around and realize that you're accidentally the best at being friends.
Flash Gordon and I worked together at the stadiums for years now and did a Fringe play that she wrote maybe three summers ago (four? two?) and even after that it took us quite awhile to realize how we should spend more time together.
I think it started when we started going for sushi after work together. So it was nice that we did that again for our special date!




sushi dinner and white wine!

hhaaahaa. so fun. I felt awkward about it being our big date. that's my classic move, feeling awkward on dates.



We went to see Hugo in 3D after dinner. I'd never been to a 3D movie before! I like Hugo well enough. I wasn't blown away by it, but it was nice. 3D is weird. I got a little bored of it after awhile, I found it harder to concentrate on the story because the 3D was distracting me.


on our way out I told Flash Gordon that she wasn't being a good date because she wasn't spooning me on the escalators down like the other couple there, so she happily obliged.


hahaha :) awwww
Flash Gordon and I think each other are the funniest and we fall over laughing at our own selves mostly every few minutes. THAT IS THE ULTIMATE FUN.

We thought about kissing at the end of the date, but... I'm a lady, so...

what a lucky lady I am most days these days, guys.

Aw man, nothing like counting your blessings and thinking about how much you love your friends to get you in a good mood. Now I feel fantastic.

Gotta get to crafting and then shopping and then working tonight!
So, so much to do and it's about to get crrrrazy busy for here on in!

Friday night is my birthday Christmas get-together, Sophiyka and Mike's Christmas party is Saturday and then I'm hosting the Christmas edition of Mixtape Club on Sunday and then I work Monday and then home on Tuesday. JESUS! yikes! wonderful!
so much to do!

I want to see everyone before I go, and I want to see everyone in Saskatoon so bad!
it's finally starting to feel like the holidays!
it comes so slow and goes too fast!

elevators and churches

I go back to Toronto on Tuesday first thing in the early early morning.
That means I have the rest of today and all of tomorrow to do things. Like always, there is too much to do and too little time. Though it's especially bad this year because of the shortened length of my trip.
I'm always on the verge of crying. I'm homesick looking around me.



People are always surprised when they find out I've never been out of Canada and I don't own a passport. I can't seriously consider traveling when wherever I am I am homesick. I'm homesick for Toronto right now, and the moment I go back I will feel ill with missing Saskatoon.
I'm lucky to love things like this, I think. But still.



I've spent more time looking at churches this weekend then I ever have before. Do you think if I made a calendar of Saskatchewan prairie churches I could sell it? I regret not bringing my DSLR or even a film SLR with me this trip.
I want to be taking more photos. Better photos.



I have to calm down this fall. I have to cool it. It will be the perfect time and opportunity for me to take better care of myself, both physically, emotionally, creatively, and work-wise.
Remind me to remind my Ossington Dreamhome that we are a dreamhome not a party-all-the-time-home.

This afternoon I'm having coffee with my one of my favourite people since kindergarten. We have almost nothing in common anymore but I love her so much.
I just love who I love so much and that's just what I'm like.

crown and anchor me

HI HI HI HI HI HI HI HI HI HI HI HI HI HI HI HI



everyone around here is in a pissass mood! not too terrible or anything, but bits of sadness and big decisions and not being treated properly or trying to figure out what we're doing with our lives.

I was just absent-mindedly staring at my bedroom door wishing someone would come in and Yulie came in and lay down beside me.
It's not so bad having roommates.



Went to the Ex with Dollface and we ate a tonne of shit and bought things. I bought sculpey and a dress and some sandals. We walked around a lot. Next time I'm finding a ride buddy for sure. Though I'm pretty sure I'd be way worse at rides than I used to be. My stomach is now a little bitch.





Not to point out the obvious here, but, man everyone is so self-centered these days, hey?
It seems actually unreasonable.

I don't know guy, it seems like the more selfish, messed-up, deservist you are, then the more good things come your way.
Should I start? Probably.





A lot of shitty things have been going on for me lately, in all aspects. I feel mildly fine, though.
Like maybe I just have to keep on like I'm going, keep being the kindest person I know how to be and hopefully at some point it will come back to me?



I did just about blow a gasket when Yulie and Onesie came back from the cottage on Sunday night and I was bundled up in the big chair feeling sorry for myself and watching a movie and Onesie said "oohhh looks like somebody didn't get rid of their grumpies"
UGH.



Life just 100% is not fair. It is not fair in every way. Like why did Jack Layton die? That's not cool!
Especially since Harper is in fine health and spirits. Not not not fair.




I'm not really ever into gambling but Dollface and I were walking through the Ex and I saw a game called "Crown and Anchor" and since all I ever do is listen to Joni Mitchell I wanted to play it. It was a wheel one, who knows what it's called and we had to put money on a symbol. First round Dollface lost a dollar and then the second round I put a dollar and got two back. Took my three dollars and left.
Pretty funny. Not a bad way of gambling.




christmas ornaments I started yesterday! So fucking tasteful. Onesie said they are maybe too pretty. They are much more delicate and delicious in real life. I will try to take better photos later.




I am the kind of genius who thinks to mix nutella with plain yogurt and put it on fruit salad. FUCK YEAH.
mango kiwi melon salad


rain on the living room window.
It's cooling down a bit these days. I'd just barely noticed it was summer and now it's slipping away.

I can't wait to get to Saskatoon.

joy joy joy joy (misery) joy joy

Whoops! I keep forgetting to update. Not my fault (my fault).
I worked every day last week. I work very, very few days this week. That is mostly alright because I definitely need to get stuff done still. I'm looking forward to crafting to the moon all week. Joiners?



I've been partying, also. No one is surprised. I've been wearing red lipstick. That's new. New-ish.



Pls don't tell Dollface I borrowed her scarf. Just kidding, I'll bring it back Doll, don't worry. I borrowed Doll's jeans last week and wore them out with heels. Then I wore heels and jeans again the next night.
JEEEEEAAAANNNSS
I never, ever wear jeans! I usually hate them and I'm back to hating them again this week but for a brief moment there we were bffs.
I'd really like to get a pair of yoga jeans. Giftsies?



Hmmmm. I think I'm depressed. I don't know if I'm depressed because of my bender or if the bender is a result of being depressed. It's the weather, I know I know.
It's all okay.

I had a bit of a melt-down last night (and this afternoon, yikes) over Christmas. Already!
As much as I love Christmas (because of it?) it stresses me out so badly.
And I just hate when people try to change my traditions.
I know that in the spirit of Christmas I should be open and giving and inclusive and find the joy in all the little things. But that's not always easy.

I tried to write it out but that's just making me feel worse. The problem with being selfish about something is that it's a lonely upset because no one will even back me up on it plus I know how stupid I'm being.

But I'm also upset that my aunt has to work on my birthday (christmas eve) and won't be able to come to my dinner, that's something fair to be upset about.

And I'm upset that my 19 year old brother is bringing his girlfriend to Christmas and going to be away at her Christmas for part of it, meanwhile I've never once had any boyfriend that I brought to meet my family. Not that I'm sure a relationship is what I'm after right now, but something about turning 27 and having never had a mature adult relationship is worrying. 
And I feel lonely and jealous when I think of other people's partnerships.  Sometimes. Around Christmas mostly.

Though, from blog late-November last year:
"26 is a funny number, it doesn't seem that appealing for some reason. It's 27 I'm really looking forward to, but who knows why..."

27 better not fucking disappoint. 

Man, my family is utterly tired of me throwing fits around the holidays. The stress of coming home to Saskatoon (the drama that goes along with it, the heartbreak of coming and going) is compounded with trying to enjoy my ultimate favourite thing. It gets overwhelming sometimes.

This year nothing is going to be the best. Hahahaaa awww wow, I'm pathetic.

Look, it snowed here, finally:


So that's good. Plus I've been doing a lot of stamping. Or practicing a lot, at least.

Niki gave me a gift card to The Paper Place awhile back and I bought a stamp-making kit and only yesterday did I get around to giving it a whirl.
Made three so far!



I'm pretty pleased with the results. It's extra-special to be able to stamp shit with stamps I designed myself. Crafty x 100. Though I do love the store-bought ones I picked out too.
Thanks, Niki! 



I don't know how I'll decide which cards to use I'm making so many different kinds! It's hard to decide on just one theme or colour scheme for wrapping also...

I'm thinking of having people over on Sunday to celebrate my day of birth (early because I'll be in Saskatoon obvi for the actual day)....  Yes?