work, hoops, dot, groceries, story of my life

My stomach is upset. Which I blame on Hoops. Obviously. And my other favourite bar which I'm going to stop naming it proper instead I will refer to it as The Dot. Because it is my favourite place to get locked-in to (in Britain this is what they call drinking after-hours, being a lock-in.)
I LOVE BEING A LOCK-IN.
It is my favourite passtime.
I left the dot last night at reg closing time and everyone was like "where are you going?" haahaaa classic.
Actually last night was a good indicator of my life lately. Work, Hoops, Dot, groceries at Metro at 3 a.m.

Pretty perfect.



I can say with certainty that I have crushes on pretty much everyone I hang out with at the dot.
This is kind of lovely. And not my fault because everyone is great. And babely. Why do babes travel in packs? Split yourselves up so I don't look so fickle, hey?

My bartender-friend is super lovely. He will be called Fisherman. Why? Because he looks like one. Obviously. He also has a sweet beard.
Actually he kind of looks like a voyageur. Voyageur/lumberjack/fisherman, which is funny considering how he is actually kind of big baby. hahahaaawwwwwww adorable! 
Fisher told me that I was being very funny the other night. I know it took me ten minutes to order a drink and that I kept going on about how I am allergic to gluten and diiiicks, and I told them all about how I won all the Junos. So, he's probably. Favourite compliment.
I'll take more pictures of him later for you.
Aww man, I'm supposed to go to the dot tonight again with Prune. Hopefully all of my crushes will be there!

haaa our one friend there let it slip to me that he has a boat and now all I refer to him as is "BOAT"
"I can't hear you over how much I'm thinking about your boat"
"Look, I like you and everything, but please draw me a sketch of me hanging out on your boat"
"Is your boat excited to meet me?"
"How boat are boat boat boat in the boat after boat and boat-boat"
etc.

I think Boat's pretty excited that I'm his new friend.

Carla Ghee had been at Hoops with me earlier (see first photo for evidence!!) and then she turned up at Dot with babe in arm. And by babe in arm I mean babe on arm. Carla Ghee and I like two things very much in common:
1. TEQUILA. (though I like mine with tonic, there it's your new favourite drink, you're welcome)
2. BABES

we also like other things the same but those two are tops. And hoops, and ghosts that say "heyyyy" and norman.

Carla Ghee and I tipped over backwards upside down on our barstools which is totally couth and proper bar etiquetter.
I would know because I know bars. Also, I think it impressed all the babes how flexible we are.

And now my back hurts!


I tried on some random guy's glasses. They looked small-ish on his face. Not so on my gremlin-mug. My vintage frames looked very sweet on him. Too bad no photo.


I have a really good ponytail today. it was better before but it is still alright now. And I did a good audition. Whatever, I didn't even have to say any words so it wasn't terribly difficult. Too bad because MAN am I good at saying words. You have no idea how many words I've said in my day.



Haa last night at work I was feeling particularly jovial and good-natured and I was joking with customers (I am amazing at joking with customers when I am in a good mood. Like sick-good at making obvious, old-man jokes with them, but in a cute way. When I am in this good mood, I make the most money. I wish I could bottle this mood.) and this older man cackle-laughed right when I cackle-laughed about our shared joke and it surprised both of us a little bit I think which made us laugh harder.
That sort of thing makes my life, ya know?



oh yeah, so I've been developing this terrible cackle-laugh for probably a year and half. I like it because it terribly rude/jarring/funny/off-putting/ugly. I find that sort of thing hilarious.
Unfortunately it is now pretty much my reg laugh. siigh.
This replaces my old gaspy-squeal unable-to-breathe laugh which I was prone to in the past. Actually, this still happens mostly only when Niki's around though.  I think I've laughed harder/more with Niki than I have with anyone ever. I think Niki laughs more than anyone though. And usually it's at you!




I've been trying lately to develop a soft and lovely sexy tinkle-jingle trill of an amused giggle but it's not going as well as it could. Give it time though, I believe in me!






Yeah so I was thinking about applying for a job at Hoops, which would probably be AWESOME. except it would also probably be awful. Imagine if I grew to hate Hoops? That'd be the worst. I love it there.
Also last night I for some reason decided to show off all my awesome dance moves so I'm pretty sure they don't want me anyway!
Their fault for having WHAT IS LOVE? by haddaway. ahhaahaaa DanceMix.
Also, yes, I danced just like Ricky:

OBVIOUSLY.
such sweet moves.




this cat likes to be spooned in my arms. She waits beside my head for me to wake up. Sometimes flops down onto my face. cool!


I think I'd make a cute boy. Just saying. 

I didnotdidnotdidnot want to get up this morning but I got up and got going and did my make up and everything like a responsible person. You're proud of me, I can tell.
This meant that I deserved the tulips and latte I got on my way home this afternoon.



The tulips are inspiration to clean up my apartment more (I did a solid bit on it yesterday when I was in an awesome mood for no reason!)... we'll see if that happens. They are a lovely light purple.
Life is great because it's sunny out, the window is wide open, and the cat is all warm and cuddly from sleeping in the sun.

you fancy, huh?

it's been weeks, weeks, since I went to brunch. How did I let this happen?
Well the time has finally come again. I've picked out a great outfit for it, I refuse to brush my hair, and I'm sporting a sweet little hangover. PERFECTION.
no. I'm serious. sometimes I fall in love with Toronto all over again. Maybe it's this giant 7-eleven coffee talking but man, life's so fun.

I have way too much to do I should not be going to brunch at all.

buuuuuut I am still going to go. I work hard (no I don't) and I deserve it.

got my first christmas card today! celebraaaations. Ohh plus Cpt. Heh took me out for a birthday coffee and treat yesterday. celebrations for miles!

also! I went to my agency Christmas party last night and my agent told me about how great I was looking. I keep forgetting that it's a good idea to visit my agent regularly to keep him updated on my beauty. and my wit. 

wait. also! I bought a Christmas dress yesterday. It is dark blue-green satin and it has a short bubble skirt. in love with it. get ready to get fucking sick of seeing pictures of me in it. So excited!!
fancy forevers!

getting down to (half an hour of) work

I've been at Green Grind all afternoon with Noodle and only now are we even possibly starting to get some work done.



We started out at Nirvana for breakfast/lunch.
It was real late. But the wifi wasn't working there so we had to move. The server from there came into here and said "hey, you guys found your wifi!" pretty funny!



I feel still a bit messed from Nuit Blanche, anyone? Or maybe I'm just totally into staying up late all the time because I can. Dayssss offfff multiple daysss off in a row! So lucky! and so broke. I need to book a job then it would be smooth sailing like the calmest pond with the safest boat.

Last night I had a bit of insomnia for the first time in forever.. and by insomnia I clearly mean that it took me about half an hour to go to sleep instead of the usual immediate pass out that I am used to.
It's funny how furious I get when sleep isn't coming to me. I can feel it right there! I can feel it, why can't I get to it!
Then I fall asleep so suddenly. Or at least it seems that way to me. Crazy dreams last night, I'll go right ahead and blame it on Dexter for sure. When Dexter feels sad I feel so sad! Dexter shouldn't feel sad, he's Dexter.
I love TV. The internet just told me I should watch lots of TV to write TV. OKOK INTERNET.




Noodle is good at talking to everyone. She chats up strangers like they are her best friends. I do not possess this skill yet. This confidence.
Also, Noodle is so good looking that I find it rather unnerving to be with her. I don't know how to explain what I mean by that, even. hmmmm. Makes me insecure, maybe? How do I get to be tall and thin and blonde with giant sparkly blue eyes??



Man, I've been being such a know-it-all lately (FINE this does not differ from the usual but maybe it's more extreme). That's an annoying characteristic. I've been stressed out by other people's situations or my situations with them, or their patterns or my patterns and then I want to fix things or figure out why I'm upset or why they're upset and then man, I just start to talk like an over-calm patronizing asshole. Dreamy!




I was finally getting down to work and then stopped to write this. I'm going back to it though!
I'm teaching myself about script writing and TV writing off the internet. Who wants to pay for me to take actual classes with actual deadlines?

Internet is helping though. It's funny forgetting that the internet knows pretty much everything. "have to get a book on that" ooohhh wait, the internet will know!



Drinking a funny drink that is fermented tea. It tastes rotten! Kind of good?
"Kombucha Wonder Drink" (wonder why it tastes rotten? it's rotten!)



There is the flippin cutest teenager cat tabby cat who is hanging around my house lately with no collar on and Prune and I picked him up the other night and he PURRED and PURRED the motors on those things! If he is around for much longer I am giving him to JL for sure. JL secretly loves cats so much. I am trying to talk him into fostering for Toronto Cat Rescue as well...

We tried to make a video today of how I looked like a school child in my pink rain slicker and backpack but I don't like how my hair's so thin in it it looks like I'm balding. How do I even manage to like myself mostly? Hard work.



Everybody's birthday parties are this week! I'm hoping for babesandbabesandbabes.

indispensable

Yeah so I'm obviously into apps.
I mean, not completely fully into apps, but pretty into them.
ha, shambers the other day said about Noodle "it's like she just has a cellphone not an iphone" it's true, though, if you're going to have an iphone/blackberry/android computer-phone you should use it to its full potential!

I even have photoshop on this little guy!

The app I used on these guys is called lo-mob. It's a bit like hipstamatic except I can apply the filters to any picture after it's already been taken. Plus there's like a billion filters and frames (too many? I know, a lot.) so you can play around and undo. PRETTY FUN.



UMMMM,
Sam James Coffee Bar??
I can't even go there very often because I never look good enough to impress all the babes that hang out there! It's babe-city! Luckily it's right by my house so I can creep on them a lot.



I went in there the other day after driving to Value Village and I had a bad headache and then the babe behind the counter passed me my cappucino with a heart in it and it fully made my day.


Fully fully.
Awwwwwwwwwwwww.
It's totally worth it to get a fancy coffee instead of just brewed if it'll come with a design on top. And be passed to you by a babe.


Without filter.


These are just timer photos, actually another app has the timer feature for the camera (which I find indispensable), it's called CameraOne and it makes a bunch of other stuff customizable. Super handy, makes the iphone camera comparable to any point and shoot.
In fact I haven't used my point and shoot at all since getting this phone. Which is good since it's basically broken.


I edited these with the photoshop app on my iphone, just for contrast and brightness, etc. So handy!




Taken in the washroom at Mum's house. I'm into the curtains and plants and especially the wood-paneled ceilings, yeah?



Okay brunch time now with mum, Dollface, and Mrs.
AUNTIES AND UNCLES I'VE MISSED YOU.

I'd like to get out of being me sometimes

There has been drama in all directions the past couple of weeks. Some of it drama with me and lots of drama with other people around me. Stressful, interesting, hard work, etc.

Today I was talking to Bee on the phone and she was saying about how mean I was when I first met her. We met five years ago, through a dude I was dating at the time? I think?  I was terribly mean then.

I remember on my first date with that dude, I met one of his best friends and later when the dude asked what I thought of his friend my response was "he seemed cocky. like he always gets what he wants. and thinks he's good-looking"
What the fuck's wrong with me?
Terrible!
In retrospect it's funny, since this cocky dude is now someone I think is fun and awesome. But why would I say that? And to someone's best friend?



When did I get so mean?
And why haven't I (even after all my talk of care-taking and kindness) learned how to be a proper, well-behaved human?

I think I got mean in high-school. Especially when I was a bit ostracized from that one group and everyone hated me. Also, post-high-school when I was mostly unemployed, depressed, creatively stagnant, and straight-up lonely.



I was still mean by the time I moved out here for college, that's for sure. In first year everyone hated me. It comes out more and more these days since it's been so long people feel like they can tell you about what a terrible person you were. Pretty true. I know I'm not the same kid.
In second year of college I was calming down a lot.
For the first time I was funny and knew I was funny. I also knew for the first time that I was mean and casually cruel, I was catching on to how being a know-it-all and never giving anyone a chance isn't the most popular approach.

Aw man, I'm still such a bossy, know-it-all. It's infuriating to be trapped being me sometimes!



Also, I have a such a hard time properly interacting with people. Some days I feel like I've mastered it. I am so charming at work and such a good friend and listener. I am happy to see people and smile and them and compliment them. But that's not the majority of the time.

Most of the time I feel trapped into who I've always been.



When I want to warmly greet someone instead I barely acknowledge them and jump right into a big story about some stupid thing that happened.
When I approach groups I want to yell and hug and knock people over but I know that that's not how I act and not what people expect.
When people are complimenting me I either say "I know, right?" or "No, you're wrong". That's shitty!

I feel like affection is put on, enthusiasm for friends is fake, compliments are try-hard.
I'm terrible at meeting people, awful with new people in groups, and then when I like someone I just like them and there's no two ways about it, making my other awkwardnesses even more awkward!



The shitttty thing is that all of it easier when I'm drinking. When I'm drinking I am affectionate and sweet. I am more willing to make conversation, jokes, listen to boring things, talk to random people just for the sake of things moving better socially.

And, also, another fucking shitty thing, I tend to get little affection/attention fixes from dudes. Especially two-weekers. An outpouring of affection and goo and sweetness and compliments and they tell me how great I am and then I get super grossed-out by how fake it all is and how stuuuupid I am, how thoughtless and mean and not-worth-it I am.  And then I get the eff out.
Oh, god, why would I admit to any of this? 



People don't fawn over me or cuddle me or knock me over because I am rude and cold and standoffish. Because I flinch when people are affectionate with me.
Only maybe people like Cpt. Heh or Dollface or a few others because they know they can.
Sometimes it's fair to be cold and sometimes I do not want to be touched (I definitely do not want to be touched by people I don't like or people who are being patronizing or pretending to like me more than they do), but I'm just dumb.

I don't know why I can't break through this. Is it because my family is British? Is that it?
Apparently my granny used to say "don't hang off me" and my daycare-mum was just like that, too. Not in a terrible way, just uncomfortable with super-affection. 
My mum is affectionate but never gooey. We never say "I love you" when saying good-bye on the phone like I know lots of people do. But, then, I guess it would never be in question.

When I see my mum at the airport I look away uncomfortably and then I just hug her for awhile and I get impatient and then I mutter at my brother and talk quickly about bags and flights and I don't know how to smile when I love people or show enthusiasm for anyone.

Today at brunch I wanted to tell Niki that I love her and will miss her and don't want her to move away. I wanted to tell her that there is not one single person with whom I laugh as hard as when I'm with her.
Instead when there was talk of someone else missing her I looked away and went on about how "no, I am the one who will miss her".
Not the same thing!
Not the same thing at all!

And Whitmore called this evening to see if I'd be coming to his birthday in Saskatoon this weekend and I had just been thinking a couple of hours earlier (after reading his diaryland) about how much I like Whitmore and how it was so sweet of him to send me that postcard recently and how I'd like to have an actual hangout time with him this visit and instead all I could do was blather on incoherently and be non-commital about the whole thing.

I'm better in writing. So much better in writing. Maybe I will start passing notes to people about what I like about them.



I meant to go to bed at a reasonable hour tonight. But it's always worth it to stay up late if you're working.

And I'm ridiculously pleased that I managed to stay in tonight and have some time to myself. Why do I still not seem to believe that alone-time is integral to my happiness?
So silly.

Also, I cried my face off while watching Shawshank Redemption. It felt alright. 

The Tampered Press

Shall we have a weekly feature on shops run by lovely young people??
Probably we should, so if you know of any shops I should visit/befriend, let me know!



After lunch yesterday with The Bitter End men (bit star-struck, also they are all babes, also so funny), Dollface and I wandered towards the park and I was like "I want a soda" and then we both got distracted by this new coffee shop, The Tampered Press, we hadn't been in before. So we went in. No soda (luckily, what the hell, I never drink soda except at work sometimes because it's free and plentiful) but I got a sweet loose-leaf green tea.

Dollface started talking to a girl she knew who was in there having coffee and so I started talking to the owner. Man, people are friendly, hey? I'm trying to learn about being friendlier and warmer and not rude all the time or sarcastic (good luck, me).

Such a lovely space and the owner was telling me she's only been open for two weeks (?)

SIGH.
yep, view of the park and great furniture. and I said "hey, I like this rocking chair" and she said "I found that on the road". That's the best possible way to decorate a place, for certain.



Gluten-free options!
I didn't have any as I was too full, but I will have some next time, definitely. I lovelove baked goods and I barely get to have any more because of my stupid gluten intolerance. So great to have options!

Dollface had one of the "awesomes" which is sort of like a giant chewy oreo only the insides are sort of cream-cheesy and I tried it ("don't tell me what I can't do, gluten" -john locke) and it was awesome. No denying.
 Totally reasonable prices. Dollface says her latte was great, too.




also there's a big mirror by the door that is great for taking full-body photos of yourself! Perfect.

Board games! And wifi, of course. Word is that the space is open to having meetings in there as well, like book clubs and things. Kind of makes me want to start a book club..
Also the space is big enough I think that could be going on in there and not be too intrusive. 

"cafe and community space" how great, right?
it's right on Dundas at Crawford, open pretty much all daylight hours, and the owner is very friendly and the lighting is good.
Oh yeah, there's a more proper here!


I'm not saying that I don't love Ella's Uncle still (this is where we usually go and sit outside of by the park). But this is also pretty neat and it has inside space and I bet it's super cozy when it's raining out...plus I want to go play board games, anyone?



Also, guys, I have so, so, so many photos to sort through right now and then a couple people just send me other photos that I want to post. Until then, you can look at Sub Rosa Vintage's blog for a few sweet photos of me.