I guess without winter we wouldn't get the excitement of spring

My new improv team (which I am beyond over the moon about), WHITE PANTHER GIRLFRIEND, will be having our very very first show on Sunday March 25th at 8p.m. as part of Unit 102's Sex Dungeon improv nights. If you consider yourself my friend I would challenge you to attend this show.


No, but if you are my real live friend from real life who wants to still be my friend in the future,
we have the official dates for our second city conservatory grad show:
Saturday June 16th in the afternoon
and
Thursday July 5th at 10:30
so put that in your calendars, thank you very much






I got another job (now I have seventeen, approximately) working in the office of a local theatre and rental space and I'm pretty into the idea of working in an office and being office-y. I can make almost anything a party/event in my mind. Wonder how long my office enthusiasm will last!
I really just like being able to wear my own clothes. Take that, black pants!!








I bought different gluten-free bread because it was on sale but it's kind of powdery not the best.

looks so good, though


this is how most of my afternoons are spent, watching my roommate do tricks with his cats.
I've honestly never met cats as obsessed with their owner... and viceversa, actually.




this guy is my favourite when he's drunk or when he's doing impression of what improv is like.



big plans, big plans, guys. big big big life happening all around, ya know what I'm saying? #spring

almost done being 27

I thought that 27 would be a great year. I thought it would be the year I fell in love or some bullshit like that. I thought I'd get acting jobs again, I thought I'd really get to accomplishing something.
Less than a month left of being 27. 28 is officially almost 30. I'm excited for getting older, I feel like there's really wonderful things coming up for me.

I was just trying to figure out if I feel disappointed at all about this year.
I really, really don't.



This year has not been the kind of spectacular I was wishing for but it has been remarkable in several other ways. Really remarkable.

And this year in particular I think I've grown and am really getting better at being me. Sounds ridiculous, maybe, but true.



Let's split this up into categories to go through, yeah?









HOME LIFE
As you know, in June I moved out of the attic bachelor apartment I lived in for over seven years into the new Ossington Dreamhome.
This has been the biggest change in my life in a long, long time.
And it has been hard and wonderful. And super amounts of fun, and ridiculously trying.
I haven't addressed on here how we recently changed roommates, but we did. Our new roommate doesn't have a nickname on here yet. I'll think on it. Anyway, she's very sweet and works 9-5 which means I never see her. She wants to go babe hunting, though, so we have to figure that out soon.

Onesie moved out. It got to be a rather shitty situation and I tried my very, very best to be a good friend to her but there are limits. And as much as you have to be there for your friends, it's also important to realize when maybe you shouldn't be friends anymore. I can't always help everyone all the time.

Yulie is moving out soon, too. Which I am going to be pretty upset about. She's going back to Germany for awhile. I'm glad she'll be back at some point, but it won't be the same not living together. She is such a wonderful, good-hearted love. Who drives me bananas sometimes. Because that's what roommates are for.

I moved out partially because I needed change but also to teach myself better conflict resolution and inter-personal skills. A babe laughed very hard at me recently for putting it like that, but I do really mean it. And I think it's working. I still hate conflict, but I've had some and am stronger for it. I'm learning how to get along with people on a daily basis, and I'm still closing my door a lot and hanging out on my own.

Also, remember how fun the beginning of summer was in this place? Worth it for that alone. Plus I do love the house and my room and getting to decorate and everything. And I like having people around to cook and bake for.
I'm getting really good at cooking, I'd say. Not like a kitchen genius, but I consistently make beautiful meals and eat properly and am learning new skills and meal ideas. And I really rather love cooking. I find it calming and purposeful.





IMPROV
Improv, guys, improv! What the hell?!
Do you ever think about how maybe things happen for a reason? No? me neither.
Anyway, I'm not sure how I got so lucky as to be doing the conservatory right now with some of the most amazing people.
It was actually pretty random that I even decided to audition for the conservatory at Second City because I'd been scared of comedy for the past while. Like, I loved it, but from a distance. I did improv at Bad Dog a few years ago and then just didn't know how to push through further. And as much as I loved my classes at Bad Dog, the conservatory at Second City is whole different ballgame. Seriously different.
The thing about con is that you're set up with shows, you're basically given a team. And now we're getting into performing archive material and then we'll be writing our own sketches (!!!!). It's a smart way of setting us up with the skills we'll need to do mainstage and the like.
And Second City's style is very specific and it's a style I quite, quite like, and I think I'll be very good at it. I'm overly-excited to pitch my premises and then try hard not to boss everyone forever.

Yeah, Second City has a cult-like vibe to it, but it might be because it's great?
I think it's particularly great for me as I have a hard time pushing people to let me do their shows, or let me be on their teams. This program hand-holds us and it's structured to really take care of us and groom us for their particular style.

Also, the buds I'm meeting through this new lifestyle (hahahaaaah) are serious lovebugs! I feel very lucky to get to hang out with some of the funniest people ever. And comedy crushes, man, I have 'em. Like with most of my crushes I can't tell how much of it is an actual crush or if I just think they're very funny and nice.
Either way, I feel like I've found a whole new world of wonderful people. And the best is that they like me too.





LOVE LIFE
Well. I go back and forth between how I'd like to handle this subject on the internet. As you know, my favourite joke ever of all-time is how I am single for life and how many babes I like and how I would like to look at all of them with my hands. I stand by this series of jokes and it's maybe a bit true in real life (very true) but besides that I think I'm getting better at dealing with men. I'm fairly good at understanding situations, even when I'm not quite powerful enough to change them or leave them. And I've basically stopped using people and am avoiding getting myself into situations where I'll certainly be mean.

I had a rather rough summer with things, and a bit into the fall there, too.
I spent a lot of time doing things on other people's terms. Taking care of them, being on their schedules, working around their garbage, etc.

I had several pretty awesome fights (not crazy, more productive), one in front of my house and he was wearing his bike helmet but undone and the straps were dangling and in retrospect I smile because he looked so silly.
I had a great deal of wonderful conversations, I'm getting better at not being overly dramatic about everything, I'm getting better about not causing conflict where there needn't be any.
I've developed a pretty cool move about being as upfront and honest about things as I possibly can be.  It's lovely and wonderful and freeing.

The two biggest conversations I had this summer were
"I have nothing at all to offer you, but hang out with me until I leave forever"
and
"We don't like each other enough, but should we still hang out?"
so you see what I mean a little bit? Tough, interesting situations.

And I can honestly say that even if I'm not falling in love much these days, I really, whole-heartedly, am loving people.
Knowing someone is loving them, and I can't have those sorts of conversations, those sorts of fights, those sorts of negotiations without loving them.
And as hard as things have been this summer, I wouldn't trade it for anything, it's too important.

It's all maybe helping to make me into a wonderful partner for someone at some point. I think I'll be good at it someday.

I would like to be a very easy-going kind of a guy. I would love to be as relaxed as possible about things, never needlessly demanding or bratty.  And I love, love being a caretaker. I love having someone to do things for and think of and bring things to and back-rub, ya know?
Unfortunately most people are inherently selfish and it's hard to find a balance of care-taking and being taken care of...
But then too, I'm not interested in having a relationship just for the sake of it. And so I'm not willing to put up with a lot of things.

Also, I'm fun! If I'm to ever get serious with anyone, they'll have to be willing to do things. Go out on the town, have adventures, find the fun. Fun is everywhere, it's just not always the easiest to get to.  I need a partner who realizes that it's up to us to make everything the best.

Yeah, okay so, I'd love a babe who wants to take care of me and be taken care of and have adventures forever.
And also who is handsome and the funniest. great, thanks!






WRITING AND SELF-DIRECTED WORK
Hmmmmm. This is a constant source of self-inflicted stress. What is it about me that makes me so unable to just sit down and do some damn work?
I'm getting better? No, I just go through periods of productivity. The shit thing about me is that I'm quite good at a lot of different things but I lack the focus and dedication to get really great at anything. Plus I split focus in really awful ways, I'd say it's possible to have too many hobbies/plans/projects on the mind. That's another reason with this improv conservatory is good for me because it's forcing me to really immerse in it.

When I do get to writing, I'm pleased with what I'm doing. I have no shortage of ideas. So many so many big plans for projects! If I can just get them down, sort them out. I'm bad at plot... that's a thing that's always been true. I love moments, ya know? Bits of truth, lovely interactions. But in order to get those moments I need more plot. Working on it.
I told Arrow I'd give him the first half of a feature I'm working on on December 1st. And he's going to give me the first draft of the feature he's writing. Except I have done NO WORK since we made this deal two weeks or so ago. Classic. I have not even opened the file. Obviously.
I guess I could have been doing that for the past two hours instead of writing this and cruising facebook stalking everyone. Could have. Oh well!


FRIENDS
I don't have too much to say on this except that holy shit do I ever still know some of the most wonderful human beings who have ever existed in this world or any other.
To say that I'm satisfied with my friends these days would be an unforgivable understatement. Not to be overly-dramatic or anything, but, man.... love love love love love love love.
Lucky.



Okay, I just really really love this Tom Cochrane song. Something about it fills up in a lovely nostalgic kind of a way.

Probably done with this for now. It's too long! Sorry/you're welcome.

the best little lonely housewife

just lonely housewifing around.
except then yulie came home so I enlisted her help to take all the photos of me. timer portraits of oneself are a lot of work.
a lot of arrogant, self-absorbed work.




"so I've learned from the internet that all you do is drink every day and make out with everyone"
no.
"and you take a lot of pictures of yourself"
mmhmm.
sigh. it's funny how I would think twice about having a crush on anyone who was known as someone who makes out with the world, and yet I think it's very funny to continue to make it seem as though all I do is take down babes forever.



so much of the time I am not making out with babes. Like there are about 8 hours of the night where all I do is sleep.






leaving leaving leaving.

there's something about winter coming that's making me want to fall in love.
luckily I'll go ahead and continue to spend time with people who are unavailable or leaving or distant.




I'd be good at falling in love because I'm perfecting my forlorn face.


remember high-school dating? remember incubate-and-bonding? I miss that.
these days I'm too afraid to even say I'm interested in someone I've already kissed on the mouth. I don't know how to compliment or open up or ask for anything.


I remember leaving a highschool boyfriend's house one night and almost getting to the truck and then running back to kiss him again.
that.

It didn't matter that we only dated for two weeks. while we dated for two weeks we fucking threw ourselves into it.
I want to throw myself into something again.

all I know how to do now is hold back and hold back and be careful never to be the first to admit anything.






I walked into the living room the other day and announced, "Okay, fine, I admit it. I want to fall in love. I want a relationship."
and yulie didn't look up.

It's bizarre how I feel like deciding I'd like to openly seek love makes me feel like a failure somehow. Well, I'm nothing if not insane.
I stand by the idea that looking for love should be very fun, however. If you can figure out how to make it fun (ie, kissing people on the mouth or making jokes about wanting everyone) then that's the best time.












This all only started because I bought this dress in Saskatoon in the summertime at Value Village (naturally) I never wore it all summer, I don't know why. Even though I took the time to hem it with a ruffle (and get rid of about 6 inches of length).
So now I'm wearing it at least.

i had a man in summertime with summer-coloured skin

just now, at the bar, Norman said to me that it seems I'm never out looking for "true love", and that's something he values in me. That I'm not always about to meet the ultimate best person for me, I'm not expecting someone to make me whole at any moment. (extreme paraphrasing)
He also mentioned how he's never really seen me about to settle down/fall in love with anyone.

I think it seems a lot of the time that I have several babes on the go (or at least wishful thinking-wise)  and I don't mind and that life is fun and for having fun and pushing stuff.
I do believe that...

but, also, I forsure get my hopes up and get hung up and even occasionally let my heart hope for something solid, something big, something more.

I'm rather defensive, I think, about being single. I'm defensive in that I want to let everyone know that I am alright with it. And partly it is to reassure myself that everything is going to be alright. Partly it is true, but not always the only truth.

Being single is very fun (and should be!) and I like knowing me and knowing how I am on my own. I love crushes and I love potential.

...and there are moments where; how can I maintain this constant enjoyment of crushes and men without dreaming of being with someone for a good length of time?
Without dreaming of one person being able and willing to try for me, to put effort in, to admit to caring about me and be wiling to accept what I'm giving as well?

how is it that at this juncture in my life I still have yet to find a big love?
how is it that I don't have anyone I want to hold hands with all day, or introduce to my family, or ride bikes on the island with and lie in the sun on the beach with?


the last person I really dated (over a year ago) for any length of time.. I feel like we didn't even know how to communicate.
I don't think he ever had any idea how lovely and really beautiful I thought he was. and I certainly felt like he never thought I was that good-looking or even appealing, really.

It's funny how we get into routines of interaction and patterns that are set so early on and hard to get out of.

I was scared of scaring him away and so I snuck back into his life and was quiet like a mouse and didn't ask him for anything and didn't accost him with my love and didn't gush all over him like I'd maybe wanted to, for fear of scaring him.
I seriously thought he was the best and the most beautiful and never said it.
It seem unfathomable to me in real life that I would ever not tell someone I loved those things, and yet...

part of all the problems between us was how we never knew what the other was thinking. part of the problems was that we were holding back or assuming things, or being so wary all the time.
of course, the biggest problem was that we were just really ill-suited. 

I loved him very much, and yet the only time I ever said it was after a bottle of vodka and a tumble over onto my bike (which I was walking at the time, thank god).
I vaguely remember swearing up and down to him that I loved him.
And he said he loved me too. Which I fully believe to be true, in its way.
And I never brought it up again.
Because I am a pussy.
And because that's just not how things were between us.

I'm on the verge of being ready for someone to try for me. Really put in effort and care for me.
Pretty sure after all these years of only going half-way, I'm building up to a really good turn.
I'll figure out how to love someone who has room to love me too.

eventually.
probably next year.

For now I'd settle for an actual date-request or miniature romantic gesture... 



Unrelatedly,
I've started on an urge for traveling. I've never been interesting in going. I'm such a tiny homebody, just looking for the familiar and reassuring.
But I'm wanting something new, adventures, change of scenery, etc.
I'm glad to be moving apartments because of this, but also, I'm ready (maybe) to start doing more with my life, to push shit, and get out of the routines I've had going for the past 5 or so years..

please break this spell you have me under. every heart is a lonesome hunter

I used to go into relationships with guns blazing.
All-out, all-in, open-armed, open-hearted, confident in the possibility that this could be wonderful.



This is mostly why the two-weekers that I was so good at in the past. Or even the couple of intense month-long involvements. Not because I was bad at caring about people, but because I was too good at it -- for a brief moment.

I took the interest that I had in potential dreamboats very seriously and would give in to my inclination to give any slightly-possible situation a chance. I was open to involvements with people that were so obviously unsuited to me, and I was ready to throw myself into being with someone all-the-time and forever, I fully believed in the possibility of love.

I would spend hours with them, I would tell them anything, I would try my hardest to know everything about them, I would do anything for them, take them anywhere, make the biggest plans, make cookies, write poems, trace lines on the palms of their hands, hold on to their hipbones, adore the pimples on their necks, imagine our lives together.

I would fall in love with them, all at once, given any opportunity.




The shitty thing about two-weekers is that when it didn't work (ever) out I looked like a liar or felt like they were a liar.
Was I a liar? Probably. Not on purpose, not by choice. But I would lie to myself to further the situation, to go on pretending that this could be the big love I'd been looking for. I used to be much better at ignoring obvious problems or conflicts.

And they were liars only in the same way, yes.




These days what would have been two-weekers are now either situations I know to avoid or they are much briefer of involvements, with a thousand times less intensity. With no intensity, no actual possibility. There are still fun elements, but it's much less of an experience than I have been used to.
I would never give in to it as much. 



Things lately with men are different. I'm not sure why. Probably because of realizing I could still have small crushes on people I know I am ill-suited to. And that making out with people you are ill-suited to is still fun.
Though much less exciting. Romantically exciting, I mean. 

And probably because I'm not sure I'm looking for a relationship. Mostly because maybe I don't believe in them for me. And why would I?



I don't know, I mean, I also used to hold candles.
I still have people who I hold in my mind as people I could have loved at some point. But I don't have loose ends the way I've had in the past. I don't have people who I think I will someday marry. There is no one I know who I believe I could still fall in love with.

I have kept a list in an old notebook which is titled:
"people I still secretly think I'm in love with sometimes"
an impressive list, actually, and with some of the best men I've ever met on it, obviously. And with some really terrible men on it, of course.
But these days there's no one I'm still holding a candle for. All the names are crossed off.




I think my close friends are somewhat confused and annoyed at the huge crushes I get on people who are obviously not quite interested in me.  Maybe minorly interested, at least in keeping me around a bit, those work the best.
The problem is, I feel too uncomfortable without a good, big #1 crush.

If I have a #1 crush who I don't know well enough to dislike, who is handsome and (especially) talented, and hopefully funny, and who is not around much, and who maybe could possibly at some point fall in love with me like I think he should, then the other things matter less. Minor crushes are minor, being alone is not lonely. A make-out that was annoying really doesn't matter. 
Can I live on crushes? If you think not, then you've never met me. And I'm not actually that sure it's that unhealthy.



When I fall asleep at night I like to think about crushes. I find it reassuring and pleasant to imagine our future interactions and words we might say.
Having no crushes is a bit lonely, I think, not having at least one person in this world that you could see wanting to be with? Slightly upsetting.
That's why I like to have a good, solid fall-back crush. In an odd way, it really has nothing to do with them.
It's the hope and optimism behind it.



I don't know that I believe anymore that I'll ever fall in love. Or maybe just not in the next few years.
Which is not the worst since I think being alone is pretty alright lately. And is just as valid as being half of a couple. And it's nice since I'm very good at lust and crushes and meeting babes, even if they aren't men I'm falling in love with.

Part of it is maybe that I'm not the person I want to be yet.
All just things I'm thinking about. None of this is definitive and I change my mind every few minutes. We all know this.




(these photos are from Saskatoon this August, I am still homesick lately, and trying to get into posting stuff I haven't yet, but still like.)
(also, I'm streaming the new Timber Timbre album here: music.aol.com/new-releases-full-cds/spinner#/11. Gorgeous.)