addictions and honesty

A couple of weeks ago I had coffee with my friend who just got out of rehab. He says I'm allowed to blog anything, including that he's just gotten out of rehab because he is on a program of honesty. But I feel like I don't need to be specific about him, sharing preferences might change later.

But while we are on the honesty bandwagon here, I'll say that I was a bit nervous about this, our first one-on-one hang out since he's been finished the program. I've been on kind of an off-and-on bender for the past while (basically since I said I was going to start taking my life more seriously) so I felt embarrassed about that.
Also being the self-centered, functioning-alcoholic that I am I worried I would say the wrong things or feel defensive of my own habits or feel uncomfortable about his new-found beliefs.

Valid concerns.



We had a really nice hang, though. A lot of honest conversation and it was good to hear about what he's going through right now.

He sounds more warm and positive than pretty much everyone else I know these days. I think it's taking effort to stay like that, but when I saw him he did seem less cynical than he'd ever been.
I have it in my mind that being a recovering addict would be very depressing and hard and lonely and I think at times (a lot of times?) it would be. But probably if you could go about doing it right and making a new kind of life for yourself then it would be the best thing. If you could find enough support and counseling and new activities...
Not that it wouldn't be hard. No of course holy shit that'd be hard.

The idea of never drinking again puts me into a panic, I'll tell you that for sure. But that's why AA says one day at a time, apparently.
I realize that I am a problem-drinker. I have not hit any type of bottom yet though so I am still in it. I'm not at a point where I can seek help for it. I think a lot (a lot a lot) of us are at that point. I'm also still at a point where I could get out of it, I believe.
It's easy to find humour in benders and in ridiculous behaviours. It's easy to laugh off blacking out and think about how little fun staying in and going to sleep would have been.



I feel a bit of relief sometimes when I get to have a drink which is not a good sign, I realize that. But I am not drinking seven days a week and I am not the worst trainwreck ever. Just a bit of a fenderbender right now.



If the addiction is a symptom of underlying problems then I guess yeah, I should be making an effort to be finding out why I'm actually like this these days. I should probably be figuring out a way to really love myself.
Ha, that's the worst kind of hard work!

I have a meeting with a possible family doctor for me in a couple of weeks and I suppose I will ask her to refer me to a therapist. A therapist who is covered? Possible? Who knows! I've never met with a counsellor/therapist I liked because I am very manipulative and I can sway stories so it looks like I'm always the victim and should never have to do any work. I need a super-smart therapist who won't believe me and will see through me.
The problem is that I walk in and start crying and then they kind of have to believe me. It's hard not to believe a crying girl. Even if she's maybe crying over her own character failures and not the world's travesties.
It'd be good if I had a therapist who I liked who had little patience for my laziness/excuses.
Hmmm.



Talking to someone like this friend who is really trying to be positive and a good person and not worried about petty shit makes it very hard to be high-strung and rude about everyone. He was really not interested in my babe-drama or my gossip.
I'd like to be a positive person too you know!

Hanging out with him is making me sort of consider my own behaviours and hopefully I'll keep a handle on my life. It's also one of the things that's making me think about how honesty is obviously the best policy.

And I will say that I've been being really honest about things (especially babes) these past couple of weeks and nothing is perfect, but I'm feeling better about myself and have more hope for how things will turn out for me.
Example: AWESOMELY



cougar would like a minute of your time for feedback on what you've seen on my page, they have a survey set up here, which if you fill out they will donate $2 to the Red Cross. So do it. Please. Easypeasy.
(also, the red rain boots featured in the shitty hipstamatic photos here have officially been walked around in for hours by me and I will say they are very comfortable and very, very warm. almost too warm. in a good way. that's all.)

"just like the song I am taking on my business"

Here's the second pair of Cougar Boots I received.
Rrrrrred (red is best) Tibet style rainboots!
I flippin love rainboots so necessary, especially in Toronto. Especially if you're going to walk everywhere forever. I kind of can't wait for spring to really put these babies to best usage.
These are really well lined and thick-soled in a comfortable way. Also the sock-type upper part can be folded over or pulled up slouchy-like or folded down into the boot for extra lining. I like variety. I like to see what I can do with things.


Coulda used some red-eye-reduction. too bad for y'all.



I took Dollface out for a belated birthday brunch romantic-date stylez today. It was pretty lovely. Aunties is so busy all the time forever now. Even on a fuckin monday afternoon. The table near us were taking up a lot of room so Doll and I were both sitting on the same side of the table. It does feel oddly more intimate that way. Awww.
After brunch Doll and I drove around the city a bit. Cars here for sure feel like a treat all the time, hey?



I'm thinking I should maybe get back on track in terms of Life-Job. I'm really getting behind on things (ha, I've never even started anything). Okay yeeeah I'm going to do it.



I bought a couple of little Christmas gifts today! It's going to be here so quick like you don't even know it!

Cougar Winter Boots (photo essay jk not photo essay)

I'm a little bit excited for when it starts snowing.
Because I love winter! And I want to try out my new boots!



So the folks at Matchstick got the folks at Cougar boots to give me some boots!
Two pairs of boots!

I'm super excited about these boots as I actually technically need good boots for this city. In Saskatoon (where you would think one would be needing the boots) I drove pretty much everywhere in the wintertime, hopping from the car to the inside. But in Toronto I walk everywhere (so much so that I'm getting shin splints this week, haa I'm so weak) and I fiercely need some good boots to wade through snowbanks and slush.



Remember when those sort of fake-suede boots were popular with the buckles on the side? I bought a pair of those a few years ago and I remember wading through a snowstorm to get to my friend's place for an afternoon Christmas crafting party and my feet getting soaked through in the worst possible way and now whenever it snows I can't get that memory out of my head and I get panicked because there's nothing worse than cold feet (wedding day joke here).

NO MORE COLD FEET.


(in this photo you can clearly see the puncture wounds still on my left leg from cat attack, pretty amazing, eh? Also the bruise on my inner right thigh I have no idea where that came from I bruise so easily but it's an impressive one none the less. good thing I'm showing off my wrecked legs so much!)


These boots (Ravishing Black, which come in a couple of different yet similar styles) are guaranteed waterproof and with high activity are good to -30C (!!!!!)
I will let you know how they are holding up when it's actually snowy and wintery but I will say that what I like about them off the bat is that they're not too heavy or cumbersome they seem like they'll be good for walking. Also the soles are pretty thick and cushy but with good grips on the bottom.
I generally buy all my shoes a size too big so that I can put my gel insoles in them (I find gel insoles invaluable for walking everywhere and working on my feet and wearing vintage shoes, etc.).
Also I get all my winter boots a size to big so I can get those heat-reflecting insoles as well and wear thick socks. I am very serious about my foot comfort.
I think I'll probably not need either variety of insole in these guys but I'll probably put them in anyway for ULTIMATE comfort. mmmmmm.



I obviously love that Cougar is a Canadian company with a good reputation, I'm not going to lie.
Also, my mother owns a pair of vintage Cougar (yes yes we all want to make cougar jokes all day we get it how clever) boots similar to these:

and they are the ultimate warmth so I expect these ones to follow suit. Those vintage ones are pretty sweet actually.



Also I like that the foldover (fake) fur at the top can be pulled up no kidding I'm pulling that up to my knees when I wear skirts and tights out all winter (I hate pants) then with my long parka I'll be almost sensibly dressed.


I still have my red "Tibet" rainboots they gave me to review, I'll get that up for you soon! With more ridiculous photos!
Man, it'd be so rad if I had a roommate/boyfriend who felt like taking my picture all day I constantly underestimate how much time/effort it takes to take a billy photos of myself.
Wow, my life is roughhhh.



Just kidding I'm having more chai tea and watching Dexter and making Christmas cards and the cat keeps rolling herself right off my lap.

check out the Cougar boots website for more info on the company and they have a bunch of different styles there's actually a few more I want.. maybe next year...