things I find while cleaning

Bwaahaha look what I found.
Just in case you were doubting that I was ever unattractive.

It's hard to believe, I know.

The wild part is that this is the time when I actually started bagging babes.

So hot.


You know what's a good way of avoiding writing? Cleaning one's room. I found so much hilarious junk. I considered scanning in several horrible love letters then censored myself.

I keep forgetting I have plans

Yeah. I'd like to go the Oscars sometime. Just saying.

It's funny how you can go months without seeing someone and then see them everywhere. Well, things go in threes, so it's done now.

I have a big hard-on for beautiful real jewellery these days. I was in Winners drooling on their display cases. I think I'm going to buy a giant white-gold crystal ring. Because I'll never be able to afford a diamond that big. And I want three pairs of pearl earrings. In different colours. Especially those dark brown ones....
Oh so pretty pretty pretty.

I had a slumber party at my house the other. By which I mean one of my GFs slept over and we stayed up late talking about boys. I haven't had a sleep-over in a real long time. Except with boys - they never want to stay up late talking about... boys.

Still need more single girlfriends. Just saying. If you know any, you should send them my way.

From my horoscope today (which seems to be calling me a slut):
Paring back your dance card is a good idea, for it's better to have one or two excellent partners than many mediocre ones.

I had a dream last night that I was in a room full of hipsters yelling about no one had bothered to notice that Vampire Weekend is secretly Ska, and how everyone there LOVES Ska!

But then, I also had a dream that I made friends with Britney Spears and had to take care of her because she's so crazy. Oh, and then it turned out the Justin Timberlake was my big brother... and I was really happy to have a big brother and I gave him a hug.
So, you know... I'm the nutso.

Britney Spears is crazy and it's really upsetting me. Not that I've ever liked Britney Spears, but I do have a pretty active (if self-repressed) interest in mental illness (and drug addiction, for that matter) and how society handles it.
I'm going to talk more about this later, maybe.

depth of field can eat me

Okay. I have serious issues with my camera re: focusing. But it's my fault because I like such a shallow depth of field oh life is hard, etc.

Anyhow, these are my favourite's from the latest shoot. Let me know what you think, and maybe which is your favourite, yes?
Yes.











Favourite for sure:

already 7 servings of fruits and vegetables today

Oh yeah right. Melodramatic x 100.

.

I'm downloading Jeff Buckley.
At least he's already dead. He can't die again if he turns out to be a favourite.

.

It is so February/March right now.
I remember December was spent discussing how February would not end up like this - how we would plan against it. Now look.


We are sleeping with people we would never otherwise consider, smoking drugs in the bathtub, using text messages as if they are real interaction, buying disgusting chocolate cream pies (and eating them), crying over spilt milk, and sleeping in snow-banks with our vomit all around.


But I've almost got my upper-ranges back. I no longer irritate even myself by singing.

.

This is the time of year where I start dating someone (increasingly famous.. yeeeah) and then it lasts for 3 months or 2 months plus vague continuous involvement. Maybe this year will break the pattern.
I'm wary of myself mostly. I should stay single.
Especially after that last involvement where it turned out that I am completely insane and have no concept of actual feelings or what is real. And then I turned out to be really mean. And even when I knew how mean I was being, I didn't stop it.

.

This time last year, I was really, really happy. I was so ridiculously happy in that two months. And so was he. And we both conspired to sabotage it. And we're both insane and incompatible.
I miss having 2 a.m. phone calls from out of town to say that he misses me. And I miss looking out for him and visiting him at work bringing candy and I miss perfect gifts and getting him ready to go to a wedding and I miss dinner dates and alley make-outs. And chemistry.
Yes yes yes

I don't know how I feel about that bloke these days, but I miss those things.
So maybe it's possible that I would want to seriously date?

Only people who don't want me.

.

We play out patterns until we're through with them?

.

The term "mack" needs to be brought back.
Also the term "wheel", which means the same thing. Did that ever make it out of Saskatoon? That word was such a huge part of my grade 12 year. It peppers all the notes and letters from that time.

.

I'm responding to emails today. Turns out there were way too many I'd ignored. I'm a terrible emailer.

Two people I know almost burnt down their houses this weekend. This plus the Queen West fire equals three. Which is good because things in my life frequently go that way.
Although I'm a little nervous of my microwave exploding lately. Not sure why.

"So, you don't want a long-term relationship?"



sometimes there's certain sentences that get me sadder than I've been in awhile

I like boys with strong convictions and convicts with perfect diction

I expected to like Juno and did (when I watched it illegally online yesterday because everyone already saw it without me).
I felt like it was missing something. I'm not sure what though. More? More about each character? More about the kids' interactions?

Michael Cera was really lovely. Almost a babe, even. Maybe it was the shorts. Though he is always pretty much the same (oh we all play ourselves anyhow) he had a sweetness here that I liked a whole lot.

The movie was more like New Waterford Girl than I expected, and actually more like the TV show I'm writing...
That's alright. I was looking for something easy to compare my script/pitch with. Besides My So-Called Life.
.

I watched the Oscars last night with the girls and I ate until I wanted to barf. I'm insane these days and I think I deserve everything, especially candy for sure.

The Oscars were boring and no one looked particularly good. Brad Renfro wasn't in the in memoriam video. Sad. I want to wear something pretty too. I'm supposedly going to the ACTRA awards this weekend. Maybe I'll look fancy for that. Maybe I'll nominate myself and then I'll win and then I'll storm the stage. Just saying.
.

I'm enrolling my family in my song-of-the-day e-newsletter. If you would also like to be a part of this club, you should tell me. Then I will send you songs. It'll be like me making you a mixtape except way less cool.

I never buy CDs but I bought Jenn Grant's today. Because it's that good (and I couldn't find it to download). I heard her once on CBC radio in my mum's truck and stuck that name in my head because the songs are so remarkably beautiful.

SRSLY

While I've been jealous of Ellen Page in the past (especially given this whole Oscar thing), it didn't really hit until 2:30 in the morning last night when I was watching Saturday Night Live and saw that she's hosting next week.
Whoa.
And, with musical guests, Wilco.
WTF. Srsly.

So jealous.

Oh yeah, I'm also so glad for her and I think she's really great.

.

My palm has been itching so much lately. I'm either about to become super-rich or I have a bug living under my skin.

.

I'm feeling a bit better today (touch wood). I woke up breathing through my nose, which is always a good sign. I think I'm probably just getting all my colds out of the way for the rest of the year.

.

From my comments:
anonymous said...
"Is it not sort of self-important or self-involved to have such a blog, not to mention a focus on fame or prestige? Not accusing, I just don't see the difference, or the the heart in working to be 'famous'. Contrary to this the writing seems to come from a much more purposeful and heart-felt place."

While I am constantly hard on people - critical and judgemental, let it be known that I am just as hard on myself.
And I hate most in others what I see/fear in myself. Of course.
As for the focus on fame... it's mostly tongue-in-cheek. I do not actually expect to achieve any level of "fame", only success. I don't believe there will ever be a time where I am a household name or where I appear in tabloids. I do believe that I could be a working actor, make a job out of it. And being an actor is mostly about story-telling. The same thing I do here, or in my poetry, or in screenplays or in theatre.

And I'm totally going to blame not having a dad for my being such an attention-seeking megalomanic.
Oh. And everything else that's wrong with me.

S#1: "So in the love and sex survey, it said that a good chunk of girls aren't drunk or high when they first have sex with boys, that's kind of different from how we roll"

S#2: "With my BF, it was more of a too drunk to do it at night so we did it when we woke up in the morning type of a thing"

ME: "Define 'drunk'"

.

Ding-dong the bells are going to chime

My supervisor at work yesterday proposed marriage. I think he was joking but when I yelled "Can we have babies?? Soon? And you can support them?!" he said okay, so I think it'll happen. Then he put his arm around me.. and I said "Can you wear less cologne when we're married?"

I'm a charmer

I've had two ex-boyfriends from summer 2001 email me this week to tell me I've been in their dreams lately. Though one xbf says he doesn't think of himself as being an xbf of mine, but that means he kind of does.
Both of these men (?) are nutso. But in sweet ways.
Lovely humans.
I don't believe in relationships and when I think back on interactions I've had with people I've dated, it seems pretend or made up in some way. Like a fairy tale or at least a Roald Dahl Revolting Rhyme.

I love my mum, and I even love this picture of her. This was on Christmas morning and she's wearing a pretty shirt.


I wish it were Christmas soon.
Oh except I have a serious boner for summer.

Another crazy xbf (who will not admit to being an xbf, which makes him all the more hilarious) and I were called back for the same part in that commercial yesterday. And he auditioned for the gum one I did. Actually, a lot of people I know auditioned for the gum one. But I got it because I'm the best (or at least have a lisp and look like an Amish person). It sure would've been awkward to have to fall in love over gum with that babe. He's so, so strange, self-involved and self-important. But to his credit, he seemed genuinely pleased with my recent success. And I know he has a good heart. It's just not functioning properly. Ha, but who's is?
I can write whatever I'd like about him on here because if he ever found this and bothered to read it I would have a heart attack and die of surprise. And then I would eat my hat.

The improv kids and I have a running email thread on Facebook right now that's caused some serious LOL-ing, if you know what I mean. Especially this part:
E:
"Because I'm not a rapist. Yes, I occasionally molest kitchenware. But fingerbanging G's teapot is hardly the same as forcing non-consensual anal sex on him.
Wait, is it unnecessarily repetitive to write "forcing non-consensual"? Does the "non-consensual" just imply "force"?"
G :
"No. I accidentally joined Columbia House, and while it was certainly non-consensual, it was gentle enough as to be a early winter snow fall."

It's funny because it's true. But you're still fucked, in the end.

Photos this morning, then working tonight (Matchbox 20!!!!), then maybe dance party. But I'm still so sick. What better to flush out my cold than dancing. Oh god.

I'm getting a little tired of the lack of commenting happening on this weblog. Hmmmmmm?

My face is leaking

I have a callback this afternoon, but I'm still not taking them seriously.

And I'm still sicker than sick. I tried so hard to sleep in but coughing woke up.
I can't really talk, so I'm sure that this audition will go swimmingly.

Nick Rose CD release last night at the Horseshoe. Oh lord, so good. Nick's band is my absolute favourite right now. Even if I didn't like him as a person, I'd still love this stuff.
A solid night, started off by Dan Griffin. I bought his CD when I was blind-drunk one night and have never regretted it. It's some of my favourite walking music. His set was solid but I was distracted by finding friends and making friends be friends with friends and getting my drink on, etc.
Nick's band is so good and so nice. I love the constant (yet smooth) switch up of instruments. Nick mixes sweet folk ballads with danceable country swing in such a lovely way. Great use of steel guitar and keyboards, mandolin and harmonica. Oh yeah, and Nick's voice is seriously incredible (I actually mentioned it in a poem I wrote years ago).
I listened to the EP on getting home, and it is gorgeous. I was expecting it to have all the songs I've downloaded from his myspace page but it has a couple of new ones that I'd only heard live. Really well put-together, warm, ahhh, I want to say heart-warming, in fact. But. You know.
Only complaint is that it's too short.
If this were an MP3 blog I would choose Light At Dawn for you to listen to. As it is, you should go listen to it on his myspace. Really.

The best part of the show was dancing up front with family members and friends, the best kind of people who dance however they like and don't care. My absolute favourite.
A few people said to me that I'm their favourite Sweet Thing dancer (Nick's other longer-time band). I guess that has been my role for years. I've been slacking lately.
They should take me on tour with them when they go with Dragonette.

Just Jokes. Gosh.

I saw Hayden yesterday at brunch. His hair was looking good. I think he hates me because I always stare at him really really creepily. Hot.

Work tonight and then I'm going to try very, very hard to not go partying afterwards. To sleep instead. For at least 12 hours. Coughing or no coughing.

I've finally done a bit of work on Et Puis? News Magazine #5!
I'm going to have to decide a release date and plan a partypartyparty.
You'll have to come. Please?

I still have a few of #4 lying around if you're in need.

Oh yeah. You want to hear pure idiocy?
I seriously thought my ink cartridges had been hijacked from my computer. Turns out they just hide themselves away inside the machine. They scamper by when I boot it up, but only if I lift the cover. I had to press a weird button to get them to come out and be replaced.
I'm very, very technologically advanced.

MCDA HEY!

So.
It looks like my infamous dance/rap band MCDA will have to reunite. Why?
Not because of popular demand.
Not because of great new tunes.

Nope.

Only to use this picture:

snot true

Here's an email I received today. It is a response to a listing I posted on a donor insemination registry website.


Dear Meredith:

Last night I listened to the Ideas programme on CBC Radio. It was about artificial insemination and the search by offspring for donor fathers and siblings. After listening to the programme it prompted me to look on the internet for sites to list contact information. I found your listing and I thought I should contact you. I was a donor in the programme in Saskatoon at the time you were conceived, however, I doubt that I am the one. The donor is described as very funny and I don't think I am very funny. Congenial, perhaps. I am 6 feet tall with dark brown hair, eye colour is blue, actually sort of blue-green. I do have freckles. The most recent of my ancestors arrived in Canada from northern England in 1835. If you are interested to ask any questions, please feel free to send me an e-mail and I will give you a telephone number.

Best wishes,

****

Hmm.

While nothing discounts him completely from being that Biodad of mine, it does seem pretty unlikely.

I think I'm still interested in contacting him (maybe even more so, knowing he isn't my relation) and seeing what it's like being in the other side of my boat. Especially from the same situation. Same doctors, same procedure. Similar experience to that of Biodad.

.

Set was amazing today. I did good work I think (or at least was told continuously). The best compliment I received was from the product client who sought me out afterwards to say
"I hope that this spot serves you as well as it will serve us, because it is very funny and people should be lined up to use you"

Then we, of course, made jokes about how "using" me maybe wasn't the classiest way of putting it and so on and so forth.

The boy acting opposite me was really great. Very confident and calm. And funny, of course.
But he reminded me so much of my old BFF/one time BF (twice involved, off and on best friend). And so my heart ached gently all day looking at him.
I'm constantly missing people.

I love being the star of the show. I gotta say, when things revolve around me, I am way more happier. Also, making jokes with the crew and getting them all on my side is also my favourite. One camera guy and I called each other every derogatory/cutesy name we could think of. Then I topped it off with "dinkus" and that really seemed to stick.

I've never eaten so many pieces of gum in my life. It's pretty good gum though. But I didn't get a lifetime supply.
.

I'm sick as a dog again. I can't seem to kick this. It's sort of ridiculous. I left improv early yesterday (and I never miss improv! or the drinking afterwards!) but luckily not before my most insane/beyond over-the-top strange classmate rhymed "chin" with "nipple". Maybe she just doesn't understand rhyming?

I'm gooing out every facial orifice. I'm disgusting. And so sick of being sick. I'm glad I held it together on set and kept my voice even through the countless blood-curdling screams I produced.

But I have two auditions tomorrow. One for Best Buy. I've been called back for two different Best Buy commercials and have not landed one yet and so I refuse to take them seriously.
But I still have to get it together. Maybe not snot all over the casting peeps.
Or maybe I will.

happy family day

Dreamt last night I was in shitty relationship with someone I didn't care about but I thought "might as well stick it out until something better comes along"
This is maybe one of the most hilarious things I've dream-thought. So remarkably not something I would do.
Oh.
But he did own a Nissan Micra. So I could see staying in it for that.
.

It seems like no matter how much sleep I get I'm still exhausted. I'm still on the verge of passing out. Hmm. Maybe my iron is low.
I'm also still sick. It's been weeks and I'm still coughing a bit and feeling clogged up.
Probably because I drink too much.
.

I'm not excited.
And I wish I were. I should be. About getting lots of money at the very least. But I'm more apprehensive and tired.
I'm understanding more my famous-ish friends' reactions to being famous. To how much work it is.

I'm excited! Somewhere I am excited.
And I keep telling everyone I see how excited I am, in order to make it true... but mostly I'm just sort of weirded out.
It's weird how I've worked towards booking commercials and I'm always thinking 'wow, if I would only book a big commercial, then things would be okay for a while'.
Yeah, they won't. Nothing will be enough.

And I've definitely spent whatever money will be coming in about seven times over.

The best part of wardrobe fitting on Friday was that I tried on many, many Amish type outfits.
Haha.

I love the director of this spot though. He is very, very sweet. He told us how great we were about fifty times. And I had to try on about a billion outfits and he told me I looked great in everything.
.

Well, I'm officially at the age where I check for wedding rings.

Does this mean that I am officially an adult?
Maybe so.

What's worse is that frequently babes have them on.
.

I loved Now Magazine this week where they mentioned what great hair Hayden has.
It's strange how certain people just look like rockstars. Naturally, I mean. Not in a done-up way.

Seriously.
Hayden is probably my dream man.
In case of if you were wondering.
That's why I get the shakes when I see him.
.

I'm hoping to be able to afford a digital SLR camera with these moneys. I would be beyond excited for that, I believe.

I was researching last night on the interweb and it looks like I can get one that will fit the SLR lenses I already own. How hot would that be? Especially because I love my lenses. And then I won't have to double invest in lenses.
Yeah.
So excited.
I bought a tripod the other day. Feeling pretty pro, gotta say. I'm booked to do two headshot photo-shoots this week. I'm hoping it works out. I keep having to bump things back on account of having to shoot/go to wardrobe/go to auditions/etc.
.

Oh, yeah. Shooting commercial #1 (for a frozen dinner product) was good on Thursday. Pretty fun/funny. I got on really well with the boy acting opposite of me, which always makes a shoot good. We talked about "the business" and made way too many jokes about being celebrities/divas.
I felt really terribly for the old woman playing the Italian grandma. She obviously had little interest in acting and little interest in being there by the end of the day.
The make-up artist had worked on one of the music videos I was in, small city. And I especially liked the two British wardrobe stylists. Everything is around 8 times funnier when said in a British accent. And they had such great taste.
It was a short shoot day too, and I even made it to work that night.
Which was great because I had absolutely no money. Zero.

I'm still so broke it isn't funny.

I notice that no one has signed up to buy me congratulatory gifts yet...

I'm so famous. And humble

So I had a mini(?) break-down the other night. Where I wanted to quit all this silly business and get an office job and a nice husband and a family and not party all the time and not get judged for looking Amish or having a speech impediment.

Oh yeah, on top of the speech impediment the casting director also asked my agent why I went in looking so "Amish".
Okay.
It's for the role of a BANK TELLER. So I wore a BLOUSE and a VEST. Okay? That's what bank tellers wear. Jesus shit.

And then my agent and I had a talk about how I need to be able to sell product. And how looking appealing was part of it. Including looking "sexy" to some degree.
Ugh.

So, yes. I cried for awhile and felt completely panicked and stressed out and vowed to kick that casting director in the shins. (Which you shouldn't do because then they won't have you back for auditions, I bet. They might even suggest to other casting directors that they not have you in for auditions. They're very silly like that).

But then.
After all that.
I BOOKED ANOTHER COMMERCIAL.
I booked two in one week! They have no idea just how over exposed I am about to become. I'm the female equivalent of Nick (my friend who is in every single commercial). Except better looking. And more Amish. And with more of a speech impediment.

It looks like I'm going to be doing a bunch of voice warm-ups.

Luckily I'm going to wardrobe this afternoon and I'm ridiculously hung-over.
Yay!

damn girl, don't hurt him don't d-don't don't don't hurt him

UGH.

Well, apparently they really liked me this morning EXCEPT that some of them didn't and one of them asked if I had a speech impediment. Which I don't. I don't think.

Which means: Do your voice warm-ups before you go to auditions. Especially if you live alone.
Also, I'm still sick and have been sick for weeks and so my voice is still off. But I don't know.

I hate knowing that they're thinking of wanting me but that maybe they won't choose me. HORRENDOUS.
Being an actor is all about being powerless all the time.
And you know how good I am with that.

On the plus side, I don't seem to have fucked up my hair colour too badly. Fingers crossed.

And also,
look what I found on the internet:

getting lucky

Feeling really good? Confident? Pretty?
Then I suggest going to a wardrobe fitting, that'll snap you out of it.

No. It's fine.
I do like clothes and I really don't mind being pinned and poked and stuff. And I like being fussed over. I just don't like the parts where stuff doesn't fit over my fat arms or where things look really awkward and then everyone says so. And I don't like standing in front of groups of people especially when a bunch of them are the "client" who are depending on me to sell their product.
Also then the hair people came around and mentioned my roots but it a way that it made me feel embarrassed for dying my hair which is silly because obviously I dye my hair, it's not my fault it looks so beautiful and natural that you think it's real. So I'm touching it up today.

I'll probably eff it up and end up with red patches on my face or on my ears or maybe it'll somehow turn green or the roots will be a different colour than the rest or maybe I'll have an allergic reaction to the dye and I'll get hives and swell up and stuff. OH GOD life is stressful.

This is all fine. I'm very, very (beyond) grateful to get to do this commercial. I'm just nervous and even when I've booked a part I'm always still 100% sure they're going to
a) back out and hire someone else at the last minute
or
b) regret having hired me but now they're stuck with me and that's even worse

So many auditions lately. I had another recall this morning. This commercial is going to be very funny, I bet and maybe even sweet. If they get a proper babe to do it. And the director was ridiculously nice and sort of charming. And that always makes me feel more comfortable and able to work. Directors should always be encouraging. It makes the entire process more fun. I mean, I see that there are 15 other girls out in the waiting room, I know that I'm probably not going to get it, so there's not much point to going to these things all the time if they aren't enjoyable.

Haha, I just remembered that I wrote on my goal list that I wanted to do a commercial this month! Awesome. Now if only I complete everything else on this ridiculously long list.
I'm not scanning that list in because it's silly. But I will tell you it includes "Stop dicking around" as one of my main objectives.

You can look at this list though, it's about how I'm going to be a rapper really, really soon.

BOOKED IT

I booked another commercial! This means I get to be in the commercial (unless they edit me out which they probably will because I've got fat arms)!!!

Yay!

Best Valentines present ever.

I'd tell you more except there's not much to tell. Aaaand I have to go for wardrobe!

My agent is totally in love with me.
And I'm in love with myself (quelle surprise)!

Who wants to celebrate? Who wants to buy me congratulatory gifts?

late late late for a very important date

Blogger and I are in a fight right now. It won't put my image as big as I want it. Probably because I don't have a dad. And everyone damn hates me.

.

I wrote a list of goals a mile long the other day and finished it off with
"- Always have a goal list that reads like a wish list"

.

I have very little patience for babes these days and no patience for myself in terms of babes. At the hipster party I was at on Saturday (I'm still thinking about those cupcakes baked in the ice cream cones...) I saw a babe come in and I was all "that guy is a babe" and then "oh look, that babe is talking to my friends" so I sidled up along side them and made some comment about not knowing the babe and the babe was all "We've met several times before" and then named a few instances. Yeah. No recollection. Maybe he wasn't a babe before?

.

I'm late again. Always.
I have another audition this morning. But it's blizzarding out there. Again. Because we needed more snow. And there's no way to get there besides walking.
How do nurses dress? I don't have any scrubs on hand.

.

I had an audition on Friday that involved being a cute bank worker and having a babe come and hit on me. And then I went to the bank in the afternoon and there was the best looking bank teller I've ever seen.
Seriously. It was weird because I usually get old Portuguese women...
And I think he was hitting on me.
Or that's what I deduced from
"Have you thought about opening a savings account?"

Maybe I'll go back and discuss that savings account in a little more detail with him....

who's yr daddy?

I'm sad about not having a father today. This rarely happens, as I never really think about it, except to make continual jokes. My mother is the best mother around and most people I know have at least one shitty parent, so not having father has not really bothered me.
And I've always just felt really, really special. Wanted, worked for, tried for. Being born of donor insemination means that my mother went extremely out of her way, through psychological testing, and even paid money to get me. She wanted nothing more than me in this whole world, I bet. Except maybe Emry. But that was only because of how great I turned out:



I registered today on the Donor Sibling Registry.

I don't believe in fathers.
Men, in general, are so foreign to me, so remarkably alien, that I find it hard to believe that "dads" exist. I mean, I've seen them, I know people who have them, I've watched movies about them, but I just can't ever imagine interacting with mine own.

So, we'll tell it like a story;

Once upon a time in Saskatoon, in the summer of 1982 (not the summer of love, the summer of turkey basters), there was a beautiful woman. She had permed hair and the loveliest crows-feet around her eyes. She had had boyfriends, (had even quite liked some of them) but none quite took. But she was older and she owned her own castle and she had a decent job, and she really, really wanted a baby.

So she went to the hospital and asked them if they knew of any nice young men who liked masturbating into cups*. They said "why, yes, we know of a few but since you are a single woman, you must undergo intensive psychoanalysis so that we know you're not nutso because most single women are. We will accuse you of being gay around a 102 times. And then we will choose the donor who looks closest to you, with a similar ethnic background, and you will have no say in it".

So they decided that the woman was sane enough and picked her a prince charming to give away his semen. This prince was very charming and the nurse liked him very much, she said he received no payment for his donations, only did it for the good. Like donating blood or an organ, yes? She said he was tall, and musical. He probably also was in university, had freckles and lighter hair, had a clef chin and could roll his tongue.
And so for 8 months the woman and the prince charming went to the same hospital twice a month in hopes of getting a tiny baby. Since it was the early 80s it was live donation, meaning, they quite possibly passed each other in the halls or at least in the streets. Maybe they still do, actually...

After 8 months, on the first of April, in the year 1983, a tiny princess was conceived.

The prince would then have not had to go in on that schedule. So, in theory, he probably noticed and realized that the woman had either conceived or given up.

On December 24th of that same year, that tiny baby was born, one day early, almost perfect. Except for almost dying and having an extra muscle by her heart (for protection, I always say). Oh, and those ears that stick out and the sun shines through.

Later on the woman would be pregnant with a full sibling of the princess's but would suffer a miscarriage. She would have a son later though, with another donor.

Ten years after the princess's birth, the records were (apparently) destroyed. And now the doctor is retired and the records are no more and so unless the donor is looking too, the princess will never know him.

*Wow I just killed myself by realizing that the Playboy Magazines that I have from the early 80s are probably the same that my Bio-Dad jerked it too. Or maybe he's gay. That'd be so rad, you have to admit.

I never know what to think of any of this.
I watched the Oprah episode devoted to the subject on Friday. The children of DI all had such different reactions. I don't know where to put mine.

I don't believe that I have a father at all. Or siblings, though I think about them all, all the time.
I just can't wrap my head around having other people that are just as related to me as my mother and my brother. It seems made up.

Certainly, I'd like to meet all of them. Father, siblings, cousins, etc.
Very, very much.

The dream situation of one daughter-donor's interaction was sort of mean to show. How the first time they spoke on the phone they talked for about 4 hours straight. And now are close friends.
And the dream situation of the siblings that met each other and look just like twins and are so remarkably similar.

It's hard not to want all of that.
There are certainly ways I do not look quite like the rest of my family, and though I am best friends with my mother, I don't doubt that there is a Bio-Dad influence in how I am.

And I want little sisters and big brothers. I want lots of fam and big dinners. People to send Christmas cards to.

But it's messy.
Because to let myself want for that sort of thing is just a big set up for disappointment.
And I'm never good with that sort of thing.

Any suggestions on what to do next?

Besides use face transformers on the internet to do mock-ups of what my family might look like?

Oh, shit, I started eating another cookie before finishing the last one

Q: Hey Meredith, what are you eating?
A: Everything in sight.

I'm in a mood.

Turned out the skills competition was just a Maple Leafs hockey skills competition.
LAME

Oh, but I did make $6 in tips!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
But luckily I was only there for 1.5 hours and they still have to pay me for three. Bam.

Guess what happened to me today?!?!

I watched TWO Canadian TV shows that I didn't hate on sight!
Seriously, so exciting.

a)Battlestar Galactica:
The improv dudes won't shut up about this, they want to move into this show and marry it, so when I came across it on TV I chose it over Disney's Ice Princess.
So besides the fact that I have no idea what's going on, I liked it a lot. Acting was a bit spotty in places, but it seemed like they genuinely cared about each other and that even though they seem to be in some sort of "giant lot of trouble" as the human race, I'd still like to hang out with them.
Oh, and I love spaceships.

b) Heartland
I miss the prairies so hard when I see this sort of thing. I was totally expecting something like "Nothing Too Good For a Cowboy", luckily that was not the case. It is actually a rather warm and lovely show. I am particularly enamoured with the grandfather, played by Shaun Johnston. He is very charming and makes me wish I had a grandad. Actually, I just watched watched September Dawn, in which he plays opposite the always lovely Tamara Hope.
But yes, lovely setting, beautiful use of light and scenery, appropriately costumed, and kind of touching.
Yay, CBC and I aren't in such a giant fight. Still a big fight though. Don't even get me started on Little Mosque on the Prairie...

Also, I did indeed go to see How She Move. Awesome.
I love dance movies. I'm never pretending I don't.

Now I want to be a step dancer. Except I've never had a muscle in my life.

My college classmate, Dwain, was really excellent. More than held his own and really carried the film. Oh, and danced. I believe that's probably owed to all those ballroom dance classes we had. I can only assume.
I liked the grainy, gritty feel of this film. It wasn't pretending to be a polished Hollywood product, it felt more honest. Still pretty formulaic in the plot-line, but I'll forgive them because I love dance movies. I'll admit the mother and father had me tearing up at the end.
But I cry at everything...
I'm not sure this movie was actually "good" and I am definitely not a part of the Black step community in Scarborough, so I have no idea how realistic it was.
But I love dance movies.

Hmmm. That GF might have been a little bit right about No One by Alicia Keys. It does kind of hit the spot when you're wanting that spot hit.

There's lots of grammar/spelling mistakes in this blog. I bet you feel a little self-righteous when you spot them.

SKILLZ

I keep checking the craigslist missed connections, but so far no ugly-boots...

oh I shouldn't talk about it on here now one of you will just post it and I'll get my hopes up and then they'll be DASHED

Today I'm working the hockey "skills competition". I hope to see some mad, mad skillz
pony-riding skills, step dancing skills, computer hacking skills, typing skills, wine tasting skills, pizza tossing skills, guitar playing skills, baby-making skills,

Whoa that word has lost meaning to me know and looks spelled wrong.

Hockey Day in Canada!

ABC Family bought Sophie.
http://www.cbc.ca/arts/tv/story/2008/02/05/sophie-abc.html?ref=rss
Which proves that the writers' strike has affected their heads. Oh, wait, ABC Family was the one with the series Beautiful People (which is how I met Teddy Geiger one time and he fell in love with me, but that's another story), so their heads were already messed.
Also interesting in this article - I didn't realize it was an adaptation of a successful Quebecoise TV series.
This is maybe the only show of CBC's new line-up that I can bear to watch without clawing at my face, but it is still just not very good.
It's the over-done caricatures that are still really getting to me. And how completely unrealistic some of the characters are. "It's fresh and funny but with real heart and warmth." - ABC Family worker guy
Really?
Really though?

I made my friend watch JPod with me last night while we were getting ready to go out.
Whoa. We were both in awe. Of how bad it is.
Even the costume design of that show screams Canadian TV.
The resident bad boy/sex addict wearing DOG TAGS, seriously? Of course he is. With his spiky hair and Diesel Clothing, his motorcycle boots and unbuttoned shirts. And the "pretty girl" who happens to be blonde and blue-eyed and wears a whole goddamn lot of pink... ingenious. And the Asian girl who wears printed T's and shorts with boots! Awesome.
I can't take any of these characters seriously because I want to punch them.
And that's not even getting into how bad the plot lines are. (Seriously you kidnapped the woman who wrote the happy birthday song and then posted a video of her rolling around in money on the internet? Neat!)

I heard rumours that a US station was going to pick up The Border as well, until they realized that it sucks. I only watched the first episode of this and it seemed fine. But fine is never something that's going to keep viewers coming back for more. It's funny that in Canada we settle for 'fine', like it's the best we can do, so it's worthwhile. Nope. Not good enough.

The news this morning was saying that the American writers are in talks again this weekend. So the strike just might be settled soon.

I've always said that I'd way rather work in Canada, but these days... the industry is just so disappointing.

The problem is that I care.
I wish it meant nothing to me.

.

More to say except I have to run to work and I seem to be wearing some sort of "streetcar repellent" these days.
Any time I leave my house there are no streetcars in sight and even if they do come around they always short-turn and leave me stranded and stuff.
Yay TTC!

Tonight I plan on seeing How She Move. I love dance movies like I can't even tell you, and this one stars one of my college classmates. So it should be interesting...
Oh and stay tuned for how much I love hipster parties with cupcakes bakes into ice cream cones and pretentious discussions about film and art in general!
Mmmhmmm....

you - tall, dreamy and ugly-booted, me - coughing up a lung

Whoa. The missed connections section on Craigslist is very odd.

Seriously.

So, I saw a total babe on the Queen streetcar today. He was seriously such a babe. Most of the time I am convinced that I do not have a 'type' (I mean, if you lined up all the people I've been involved with, they would be a somewhat motley crew), but then I see guys like this and I'm like "oh, yeah, totally". Just generally indie-rock cute I guess. I liked his bright eyes and red beard a lot. Though he did have horrendous boots on. Just awful but they looked really really warm and really waterproof and since I've spent the last few weeks with wet, cold feet, I'd forgive him. He was totally eyeing me up as well, he got off at Soho but watched me as the streetcar took me away....
SIGH
I got off at Spadina and looked back for him but didn't see him...
SIGH

I would put a missed connection add up EXCEPT
a) I've seen Ghost World
b) I shouldn't even be allowed to date
and
c) I've decided not to pursue babes anymore. Which, of course, means that I'm never going to get any because boys are giant sucks and never push anything and I am the one who pushes everything and people that do pursue me are never the ones that I want (who do I want though, really?).
But seriously though, babes need to put in effort.

I'm insane. Interacting last night with a boy who used to have a crush on me for sure but then I've been sort of standoffish lately so now he was returning the favour, I felt so slighted that I had to try and win back his affections and prove that I was worthy of having a crush on.
Seriously?
Not cool.
Everyone likes having people interested in them. But for all of my talk of care and care-taking, I sure am not careful of people like I need to be.

I'm mean.

Last night I apologized to a babe who I've been rather mean to in the past few months (though he did somewhat deserve it on account of not being careful AT ALL of me) and he said something like "This is going to sound bad but, I just thought it was your personality"
Thank you, dreamboat.
He went on to try and clarify that, but I do know what he means.
I am mean.

But he, with that sentence, discounted any right I had to be angry or any responsibility he had in the situation.

I'm regretting apologizing.

I've decided to try and become more gracious and polite. Social niceties do not come easily or naturally to me. I have a hard time pretending anything or faking it in any way.
I will try harder. Or at least consider it.

You know what's better than cheese-toast? Cheese-toast with spinach. For realz. I'm still obsessed with spinach. I probably eat more of it than anything else.

I went to Value Village this morning after my audition and I bought rubber boots!!! Finally. Lord how I've needed them in this awful slush festival of a winter. It's funny how rubber boots give such a specific foot feeling. Kind of reassuring.
I also bought five books. I don't know why. Oh yeah, because the library and I are still in a fight re: fines I owe them.

I saw a friend at the audition this morning I auditioned with a few months ago and that time he got the part and I did not. I could totally see him getting this one too. I wish I were a cute boy.
I'm tired of being the catcher anyhow, I want to pitch sometime.

I predict the return of the french braid (and have been wearing them allll the time). It has to return because remember the 80s and early 90s when we spent so much time admiring them and coveting them and learning how to do the different styles? Well a lot of people still have that storehouse of knowledge on them and it needs to be used.
Also, they're good for everyone from office workers to rappers to police officers to country folk.
So braid one in!

shouldn't you be working on your scripts?

One day I am going to write you an entry on just how exactly I am insane. Especially in terms of relationshipping. Especially in terms of the first two (or four) weeks. Especially how I think that I like people that I, in fact, do not. But not today because I'm stuffed full of omelets and waffles.

Aunties and Uncles is my favourite brunch place. One day I will write you a review of why I love it. Even though if you live in Toronto you probably love it too and if you don't live in Toronto you probably don't care.
Anyway, not today.

I am also planning to someday write an entry about how stupid I find funny men who prefer women who are not funny. Who prefer women who are only pretty.
I'm obviously biased on this subject (on account of being a model with no sense of humour), so I can't get into it right now.

So....... apparently there's nothing I want to say today.

Cold update: it's only getting worse. My eyes glued shut while I was sleeping. (Gross, I know, sorry.)

Writing update: I'm a writer?

TV update: I'm excited that the writers' strike is bringing better programming to my main channels. Specifically excited for seeing Dexter and Big Love. I'm excited that the writers' strike seems to maybe (maaaaybe fingers crossed) but making an impact on the Canadian TV writers. Like maybe, for once, we'll get a bunch of new programs and maybe they'll even be given a chance.

EXCEPT:
Everything new that's been put out is AWFUL! Who the shit is in charge of this? Besides my friend's wife (sorry).

Things to cancel/rework entirely:

SOPHIE -
What the hell godawful piece of shit is this? Who thought this was a good idea?
This is a great example of all of the bad things about Canadian television. Specifically the way that every character is not a real person but instead a horribly overdone caricature.

JPOD -
Douglas Coupland should be ashamed of himself. Another example of character vs. caricature. This people are all idiots and I do not want to be friends with any of them and I want them all to fail miserably and get out of my face.

MVP (Secret Lives of Hockey Wives) -
Kristin Booth is a good actress, she's been a working actor in Canada for some time. She has talent. What is she doing on this show? And why is she playing a hot blonde? Even the fact that there are babes on this show does not make me want to watch it. It is terrible. It is a blatant attempt to get both men and women to watch it. It has soap opera plot lines mixed with hockey politics.

CBC did a shit job with their new shows this year. Though, I have to say, I'm glad that they are making an attempt at original programming and have gotten out of their "reality TV will save us!!!" mentality. I find it commendable that they're introducing a bunch of new Canadian shows at once, but, HOW ARE NONE OF THESE SHOWS EVEN REMOTELY GOOD?

Embarrassing.

A few years ago CBC did pilots of a few potential shows including This Space For Rent and Rabbittown. Both of those pilots made me want to see more. Why weren't those ones picked up?
(Haha, I just IMDB'ed them and found that one of the writers of Rabbittown is writing/acting on MVP. I don't get it.)

I shouldn't be rude about these shows, and will continue to watch them. We all know that if I got offered roles in any of them I would gladly grovel for them...
But....

We should do something about this. Canadian are capable of making good TV. I know it. I have to believe it. The problem is that it's all on the extreme cable networks that no one can afford to get and that no one watches. ie:
Slings and Arrows
ReGenesis (occasionally shown on Global, but only when they don't have anything better to air)
Durham County (I auditioned for this and have seen only a couple of episodes but it is really pretty creepy and great. I don't know if it's been cancel though... probably)

Instead of buying American cable shows to play on our major networks, they should be buying Canadian TV shows..

I wish I knew how to fix this. I wish the executives knew how to fix this. Quebec, a much smaller populations, has an extremely successful, well-appreciated film community. It must be possible. Except that America is feeding us all the shows we need...

I don't know.

Dear Everyone Who Writes For Television:
Love is all you need.

Characters who LOVE each other (for real not just say that they do)
Characters who LOVE their goals and dreams and even their obstacles
Characters who are in LOVE or are aiming for LOVE
LOVEable characters, who people can relate to and want to be friends with, or at least LOVE to hate and want to see more of

Love,

That Girls Who Writes About Writing Instead of Actually Writing

I know that I do not know everything and that I would not actually be able to fix it and that people are trying their best.
I'm just frustrated.

I look good

I look good
I look good
I look good
I look good
I look good
I look good
I look good
I look good
I look good
Why you gotta hate on me?
Shit, I look good

-The Pack (I look good)




Check these sweet earrings Dana gave me yesterday after I admired them on her!
Whoa holy hell they're so hot.
I'm never going to not-wear them. Except maybe at work on account of earrings are supposed to be no bigger than the size of a nickel.

So.... I'm continuing on in hopes of being a rap star. I can't let it go. Even though MCDA has fully disbanded (we aren't even all in the same city all the time, and one of us is married), I still want to bring the mad, mad rhymes and mad, mad flava. You know?
And I'm pretty fresh, I have to say.

Or at least I get fresh, pretty much the same thing.

Clipse is my all-time favourite rap group. If you know any other rap groups you think could rival them right now, you should let me know.
I like The Pack and I like The Cool Kids... but nothing is as all-round hotttt as Clipse.

I plan on being as sexist and horrendous as boy rappers... but towards men. It's sort of like; if you can't beat 'em, join 'em. Except different.

Shit. I always paint my nails and then get paint allllll over the keyboard. Fuck around.

The back of my computer, where the power cord attaches, has been really touchy and likes to shut the computer down and lose my blog entries. And it sparked a little bit. Am I going to burn down and die?

I've gotten it into my head that I'm really really hungry and no matter what I eat today I still feel empty.

This cold I've had for a week seems to only be getting worse. It's a good excuse for sleeping twelve hours, but even then I still feel worn-out and worn-down. Gross. I wish the coughing would stop. It's hard to sleep.
It's also hard to pick up babes.

me: I don't even want to pick up babes, I'd just give them my cold
s: so? Who cares? You have to be more selfish, I mean, if you had syphilis or gonorrhea, you wouldn't tell them, right?

Exactly.

I'm also having extreme stress dreams. I never have nightmares, but I've been coming close lately. What's with that?
I had dreams last night of losing children, people trapped in elevators, my entire family getting crushed by falling debris...
No, really, what's with that?

Improv teacher: "So you really do think you're great, it's not just an act to cover up your insecurities?"

Um....

I do not do not do not want to go out in the snowstorm. I shouldn't have said yes when they called me in today. Except I'm still so close to dying on the streets.
I wonder when I'll get all the riches..

I made this booklet for you

Last night I worked the Leafs game. I was by myself so I had no one to talk to. When it was busy, it was busy but when it was slow, holy hell was I ever bored.
So I made this booklet on paper from the till and with a pen I found:

















I'm going to go to sleep now. Possibly for the entire afternoon. Right up until I have to work the Spice Girls (ick ick ick) concert tonight.

I didn't really sleep because I stayed up watching MTV (saw myself twice only) til four or five and then we slept three-in-a-bed at my friend's house. I always love love love cuddling up and being all smooshed in together but I never do sleep well...

We were supposed to be scoping babes last night but we ended up at the gayest of gay parties at Stone's Place.
Speaking of being promised cock and given nothing at all...
So we just danced up on each other and watched everyone make out.
Gay parties have way, way more making out than regular bars. And I find I'm less irritated by it.

I still love my lifestyle.

Attack plan for February:
Party It Out

(and if that doesn't work, drink a lot)

I'm broke

I need to get another job.
But I don't want to!
And I probably won't...

I'm done baby-sitting in the days now. At brunch my friend pointed out to me that I'd become one of those parents who only talk about their kids. Well, kids are funny. And that's like the only thing I do during the week. And I'm not a parent. So whatevers.
I have to say, I'm so looking forward to sleeping in all week. And staying up until 4, writing. I wish I could be productive during the day. New skills to try for.
.

I've decided to increase my coffee intake and rely more on caffeine to run my life. I haven't been getting enough sleep to play this any other way.

.

I'm misrepresenting myself on here, maybe.
And in real life, too.

Things that are also true:

- I believe in love (resisting qualifying that statement)

- I believe that at some point I will be able to hold something down

- I have respect for men, they are not just objects to me

- care-taking is most important

- not that many babes have crushes on me

- I can still have fun without drinking

- Hershey's chocolate kisses smell a bit like barf. So do my kisses.

promises, promises

"don't promise me cock then give me nothing at all"

"isn't that a meatloaf song?"

.

Ooooooooh blog.

I'm too tired.
Too tired to not party.
Because I never stop partying.

I did a shot of Buckley's to start it all off. Because for some reason I haven't been sick enough this year apparently.
gugh.