There has been drama in all directions the past couple of weeks. Some of it drama with me and lots of drama with other people around me. Stressful, interesting, hard work, etc.
Today I was talking to Bee on the phone and she was saying about how mean I was when I first met her. We met five years ago, through a dude I was dating at the time? I think? I was terribly mean then.
I remember on my first date with that dude, I met one of his best friends and later when the dude asked what I thought of his friend my response was "he seemed cocky. like he always gets what he wants. and thinks he's good-looking"
What the fuck's wrong with me?
Terrible!
In retrospect it's funny, since this cocky dude is now someone I think is fun and awesome. But why would I say that? And to someone's best friend?
When did I get so mean?
And why haven't I (even after all my talk of care-taking and kindness) learned how to be a proper, well-behaved human?
I think I got mean in high-school. Especially when I was a bit ostracized from that one group and everyone hated me. Also, post-high-school when I was mostly unemployed, depressed, creatively stagnant, and straight-up lonely.
I was still mean by the time I moved out here for college, that's for sure. In first year everyone hated me. It comes out more and more these days since it's been so long people feel like they can tell you about what a terrible person you were. Pretty true. I know I'm not the same kid.
In second year of college I was calming down a lot.
For the first time I was funny and knew I was funny. I also knew for the first time that I was mean and casually cruel, I was catching on to how being a know-it-all and never giving anyone a chance isn't the most popular approach.
Aw man, I'm still such a bossy, know-it-all. It's infuriating to be trapped being me sometimes!
Also, I have a such a hard time properly interacting with people. Some days I feel like I've mastered it. I am so charming at work and such a good friend and listener. I am happy to see people and smile and them and compliment them. But that's not the majority of the time.
Most of the time I feel trapped into who I've always been.
When I want to warmly greet someone instead I barely acknowledge them and jump right into a big story about some stupid thing that happened.
When I approach groups I want to yell and hug and knock people over but I know that that's not how I act and not what people expect.
When people are complimenting me I either say "I know, right?" or "No, you're wrong". That's shitty!
I feel like affection is put on, enthusiasm for friends is fake, compliments are try-hard.
I'm terrible at meeting people, awful with new people in groups, and then when I like someone I just like them and there's no two ways about it, making my other awkwardnesses even more awkward!
The shitttty thing is that all of it easier when I'm drinking. When I'm drinking I am affectionate and sweet. I am more willing to make conversation, jokes, listen to boring things, talk to random people just for the sake of things moving better socially.
And, also, another fucking shitty thing, I tend to get little affection/attention fixes from dudes. Especially two-weekers. An outpouring of affection and goo and sweetness and compliments and they tell me how great I am and then I get super grossed-out by how fake it all is and how stuuuupid I am, how thoughtless and mean and not-worth-it I am. And then I get the eff out.
Oh, god, why would I admit to any of this?
People don't fawn over me or cuddle me or knock me over because I am rude and cold and standoffish. Because I flinch when people are affectionate with me.
Only maybe people like Cpt. Heh or Dollface or a few others because they know they can.
Sometimes it's fair to be cold and sometimes I do not want to be touched (I definitely do not want to be touched by people I don't like or people who are being patronizing or pretending to like me more than they do), but I'm just dumb.
I don't know why I can't break through this. Is it because my family is British? Is that it?
Apparently my granny used to say "don't hang off me" and my daycare-mum was just like that, too. Not in a terrible way, just uncomfortable with super-affection.
My mum is affectionate but never gooey. We never say "I love you" when saying good-bye on the phone like I know lots of people do. But, then, I guess it would never be in question.
When I see my mum at the airport I look away uncomfortably and then I just hug her for awhile and I get impatient and then I mutter at my brother and talk quickly about bags and flights and I don't know how to smile when I love people or show enthusiasm for anyone.
Today at brunch I wanted to tell Niki that I love her and will miss her and don't want her to move away. I wanted to tell her that there is not one single person with whom I laugh as hard as when I'm with her.
Instead when there was talk of someone else missing her I looked away and went on about how "no, I am the one who will miss her".
Not the same thing!
Not the same thing at all!
And Whitmore called this evening to see if I'd be coming to his birthday in Saskatoon this weekend and I had just been thinking a couple of hours earlier (after reading his diaryland) about how much I like Whitmore and how it was so sweet of him to send me that postcard recently and how I'd like to have an actual hangout time with him this visit and instead all I could do was blather on incoherently and be non-commital about the whole thing.
I'm better in writing. So much better in writing. Maybe I will start passing notes to people about what I like about them.
I meant to go to bed at a reasonable hour tonight. But it's always worth it to stay up late if you're working.
And I'm ridiculously pleased that I managed to stay in tonight and have some time to myself. Why do I still not seem to believe that alone-time is integral to my happiness?
So silly.
Also, I cried my face off while watching Shawshank Redemption. It felt alright.
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