careful, careful

Blogging is such, such an odd sport.

It's changed so ridiculous much since I started on diaryland back in 2001.
Back then I could write whatever I wanted about anyone, post everyone's names, intimate details, everything. No one really read it, only strangers, e-friends.. I posted inside business, people's secrets, boys I had crushes on, boys I cheated on; knowing that people wouldn't really get around to reading it.. probably.
On that diary everything got written, and I got into trouble numerous times, had to retract, re-think, re-state, delete. I messed up friendships occasionally and got spied on and was cruel.. I got called out on shit and honestly hurt people a few times. And regretted it.
These days I want to be able to say that I am out for the greater good. That I am about care-giving and care-taking. I want to be able to say that. I don't always succeed, but I make efforts.
And therefore I am a more careful blogger.

I want this to be an interesting, entertaining read, but I'm not willing to be mean for it.
I screw up sometimes when something is too funny. When I can't step back and realize the cruelty out-weighs the humour value.

It's like Perez Hilton vs. Tyler Durden:
Perez can be sharp, critical, and definitely calls people on their shit, but he honestly loves things, loves people, links to causes and he supports where need be. TD is all about cruelty, attacking everyone and everything, no mercy. Which is honestly funny... but not something I can take very much of. And not something I'd want to be a part of.

I want to be proud of everything I'm saying these days. That's not possible, I'm still a gossip, snitch, and struggler, but maybe sometime...
.

I'm terrible at expressing feelings. I need therapy. To re-learn how to be open. I don't know how to tell my mother (or anyone, really) that I love her anymore. Not properly, warmly, without reservations. I don't know how to hug people, to compliment for no reason, to comfort.. only in tangible ways maybe - gifts, actions, etc.
I don't know how to meet people and be friendly without feeling like I'm faking it.
Being terrible at niceties (and neckties) is one of my main character traits, which I am pseudo-proud of. Which maybe I honed at some point.. But I need to work at being warm, and more specifically, even - gracious.
No one would ever say that about me now.

My mother, while on this trip, found out that one of her best friends is dying, and I am unable to express how terrified this makes me. How the idea of this woman's daughter (an only child, who I've known my whole life practically) being almost alone afterwards... You know.
I can only act in a detached, bored fashion - like this is expected somehow.
.

I was staring at my mum's nose today, while we were sitting outside of the ice cream parlour, and she thought she had something on it, but really I was just checking to see if it was anything like mine.
Not really.

I never did get around to replying to that possible bio-dad who emailed me.
I should. For sure.

I thought today was father's day, but it is apparently not. Good thing. Still got a whole nother week to search him, find him, get to know him, buy him a gift and then give it to him (no generic golf-themed gifts for this girl's dad).
Not to mention then have some sort of buffet brunch!