I hung out with my friend JM yesterday. JM and I dated when I was 17 and he was 22. I had a big crush on him for around 2 years before then and did a good job on stalking him. Man, I wonder how people even don't realize what a creeper I am.
I first saw him at a show and I was holding my glasses in my hand and I noticed a babe holding his glasses in his hand as well. Dreamy! Ha, except I later found out that he didn't need glasses at all, he just wore them for his own jokes and to be taken more seriously as a musician. classic.
How we got together was that during the fringe fest that summer I was planning a big party up at my mum's piece of land by Redberry Lake and inviting everyone to come and camp out and party to the moon, that sort of thing. I'd been hanging around JM's work and stalking him at the jazz shows he was playing and he was playing the fringe all the time so I finally got up the nerve to give him a flyer about the party I was having. I didn't really expect him to come, but man was I proud of myself for getting around to inviting him.
But he did show up! By himself, no less (which I think was very, very brave, I would never have the balls to do something like that).
As soon as he showed up I basically ditched my entire party and took off with him. My mum's land is along a railway track and so JM and I wandered off down the rails, I closed my eyes and tried to balance on the rails so that he had to hold my hand to steady me.
We got a sleeping bag and took it to a barley field and lay it out, the barley was so high it supported the blanket in the air and we had to climb onto to it to flatten down the grains.
It started to rain and so we took the sleeping bag to his car and climbed in the back seat. A few people knocked on the windows and tried to bother us and tried to make us come out and join the party but I was having none of that. I just wanted to talk and make-out and sigh around, you know?
I actually have no idea what sort of party it was... probably fine?
JM and I dated for only about three months and I'd say it was pretty influential for me. JM was big into the Cohen Brothers movies and Tom Robbins novels and Steve Martin. We were both into mix tapes and tiny pictures and collages and specifics.
I was pretty heart-broken when JM broke up with me. That year was super tough as I had just finished high-school, one of my favourite people had died, and Toad had gone crazy and been hospitalized.
The best part about JM, though, is that he let me be angry with him, he let me cry at him and yell at him and run and throw my hat and be 17 at him. And liked it... or found it valuable. The honesty, I suppose.
Anyway, we were friends after that, better at times and worse at times.
I hadn't seen him in a long long while, though. And I was please at how much effort he put into getting to see me.
We had a nice time but I really wish I hadn't been feeling ill, it would have been a lot easier to have fun. We sat in the Centre Mall parking lot (like old days) and drank tea. We didn't talk about everything that we should have, he still is a bit of a stranger to me. But it was nice. With laughing.
He sent me this email today,
Hi Meredith, So nice to see you again yesterday. A bazillion things on my mind all day I would tell you. But it is unnatural to list them here. For now I can say that I think we have had and remain having a special connection and an interest in one another's lives and how we are doing them. I feel you caring, even if you will insist you are mean. I won't tell anyone, tho. I really like talking about things with you. I like the idea of true-at-the-moment. Honesty as a system, always changing, not a fixed point of reference to held to. I guess, then, the safety is in being real every day. Really yes or really no. Yeah, this kind of talk doesn't feel great in one-sided eformat. I wish we could drink tea in parking lots more often. The dream. Until next time, I'll be thinking of you.
Pretty nice. We did talk about honesty. And that is one of my theories. Also that you can love someone for however long. One minute, 2 weeks, 5 years. I like to go about feeling things and deciding things and then not being upset if they change. Not hating that things change..
JM once told me that I could tell anyone anything I wanted about him and about us because he would do his best not to do anything he was embarrassed of. This is a way of being that I've definitely adopted. And still respect. Hopefully he still means it.
I can't see the keyboard right now while I'm typing because there is an overly-large orange cat on my chest and he is refusing to move. mmmhmmmm.
I didn't even spend much time with people today and I'm still feeling socially overwhelmed. I'm so used to living on my own!
Also, until today I didn't have my own room in this house and I do not do well not having a bit of space and a door to close.
Things are okay, though. It does feel shitty to have any not-awesome days while I'm on vacation. But it's the pressure to have tonnes of fun that is stressful... Of course.
Happy Birthday officially now, MUM!!!
if you don't polish off that ginger cheesecake before you go to work don't be surprised if there's none left later!
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