BOOKED IT

I booked another commercial! This means I get to be in the commercial (unless they edit me out which they probably will because I've got fat arms)!!!

Yay!

Best Valentines present ever.

I'd tell you more except there's not much to tell. Aaaand I have to go for wardrobe!

My agent is totally in love with me.
And I'm in love with myself (quelle surprise)!

Who wants to celebrate? Who wants to buy me congratulatory gifts?

late late late for a very important date

Blogger and I are in a fight right now. It won't put my image as big as I want it. Probably because I don't have a dad. And everyone damn hates me.

.

I wrote a list of goals a mile long the other day and finished it off with
"- Always have a goal list that reads like a wish list"

.

I have very little patience for babes these days and no patience for myself in terms of babes. At the hipster party I was at on Saturday (I'm still thinking about those cupcakes baked in the ice cream cones...) I saw a babe come in and I was all "that guy is a babe" and then "oh look, that babe is talking to my friends" so I sidled up along side them and made some comment about not knowing the babe and the babe was all "We've met several times before" and then named a few instances. Yeah. No recollection. Maybe he wasn't a babe before?

.

I'm late again. Always.
I have another audition this morning. But it's blizzarding out there. Again. Because we needed more snow. And there's no way to get there besides walking.
How do nurses dress? I don't have any scrubs on hand.

.

I had an audition on Friday that involved being a cute bank worker and having a babe come and hit on me. And then I went to the bank in the afternoon and there was the best looking bank teller I've ever seen.
Seriously. It was weird because I usually get old Portuguese women...
And I think he was hitting on me.
Or that's what I deduced from
"Have you thought about opening a savings account?"

Maybe I'll go back and discuss that savings account in a little more detail with him....

who's yr daddy?

I'm sad about not having a father today. This rarely happens, as I never really think about it, except to make continual jokes. My mother is the best mother around and most people I know have at least one shitty parent, so not having father has not really bothered me.
And I've always just felt really, really special. Wanted, worked for, tried for. Being born of donor insemination means that my mother went extremely out of her way, through psychological testing, and even paid money to get me. She wanted nothing more than me in this whole world, I bet. Except maybe Emry. But that was only because of how great I turned out:



I registered today on the Donor Sibling Registry.

I don't believe in fathers.
Men, in general, are so foreign to me, so remarkably alien, that I find it hard to believe that "dads" exist. I mean, I've seen them, I know people who have them, I've watched movies about them, but I just can't ever imagine interacting with mine own.

So, we'll tell it like a story;

Once upon a time in Saskatoon, in the summer of 1982 (not the summer of love, the summer of turkey basters), there was a beautiful woman. She had permed hair and the loveliest crows-feet around her eyes. She had had boyfriends, (had even quite liked some of them) but none quite took. But she was older and she owned her own castle and she had a decent job, and she really, really wanted a baby.

So she went to the hospital and asked them if they knew of any nice young men who liked masturbating into cups*. They said "why, yes, we know of a few but since you are a single woman, you must undergo intensive psychoanalysis so that we know you're not nutso because most single women are. We will accuse you of being gay around a 102 times. And then we will choose the donor who looks closest to you, with a similar ethnic background, and you will have no say in it".

So they decided that the woman was sane enough and picked her a prince charming to give away his semen. This prince was very charming and the nurse liked him very much, she said he received no payment for his donations, only did it for the good. Like donating blood or an organ, yes? She said he was tall, and musical. He probably also was in university, had freckles and lighter hair, had a clef chin and could roll his tongue.
And so for 8 months the woman and the prince charming went to the same hospital twice a month in hopes of getting a tiny baby. Since it was the early 80s it was live donation, meaning, they quite possibly passed each other in the halls or at least in the streets. Maybe they still do, actually...

After 8 months, on the first of April, in the year 1983, a tiny princess was conceived.

The prince would then have not had to go in on that schedule. So, in theory, he probably noticed and realized that the woman had either conceived or given up.

On December 24th of that same year, that tiny baby was born, one day early, almost perfect. Except for almost dying and having an extra muscle by her heart (for protection, I always say). Oh, and those ears that stick out and the sun shines through.

Later on the woman would be pregnant with a full sibling of the princess's but would suffer a miscarriage. She would have a son later though, with another donor.

Ten years after the princess's birth, the records were (apparently) destroyed. And now the doctor is retired and the records are no more and so unless the donor is looking too, the princess will never know him.

*Wow I just killed myself by realizing that the Playboy Magazines that I have from the early 80s are probably the same that my Bio-Dad jerked it too. Or maybe he's gay. That'd be so rad, you have to admit.

I never know what to think of any of this.
I watched the Oprah episode devoted to the subject on Friday. The children of DI all had such different reactions. I don't know where to put mine.

I don't believe that I have a father at all. Or siblings, though I think about them all, all the time.
I just can't wrap my head around having other people that are just as related to me as my mother and my brother. It seems made up.

Certainly, I'd like to meet all of them. Father, siblings, cousins, etc.
Very, very much.

The dream situation of one daughter-donor's interaction was sort of mean to show. How the first time they spoke on the phone they talked for about 4 hours straight. And now are close friends.
And the dream situation of the siblings that met each other and look just like twins and are so remarkably similar.

It's hard not to want all of that.
There are certainly ways I do not look quite like the rest of my family, and though I am best friends with my mother, I don't doubt that there is a Bio-Dad influence in how I am.

And I want little sisters and big brothers. I want lots of fam and big dinners. People to send Christmas cards to.

But it's messy.
Because to let myself want for that sort of thing is just a big set up for disappointment.
And I'm never good with that sort of thing.

Any suggestions on what to do next?

Besides use face transformers on the internet to do mock-ups of what my family might look like?

Oh, shit, I started eating another cookie before finishing the last one

Q: Hey Meredith, what are you eating?
A: Everything in sight.

I'm in a mood.

Turned out the skills competition was just a Maple Leafs hockey skills competition.
LAME

Oh, but I did make $6 in tips!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
But luckily I was only there for 1.5 hours and they still have to pay me for three. Bam.

Guess what happened to me today?!?!

I watched TWO Canadian TV shows that I didn't hate on sight!
Seriously, so exciting.

a)Battlestar Galactica:
The improv dudes won't shut up about this, they want to move into this show and marry it, so when I came across it on TV I chose it over Disney's Ice Princess.
So besides the fact that I have no idea what's going on, I liked it a lot. Acting was a bit spotty in places, but it seemed like they genuinely cared about each other and that even though they seem to be in some sort of "giant lot of trouble" as the human race, I'd still like to hang out with them.
Oh, and I love spaceships.

b) Heartland
I miss the prairies so hard when I see this sort of thing. I was totally expecting something like "Nothing Too Good For a Cowboy", luckily that was not the case. It is actually a rather warm and lovely show. I am particularly enamoured with the grandfather, played by Shaun Johnston. He is very charming and makes me wish I had a grandad. Actually, I just watched watched September Dawn, in which he plays opposite the always lovely Tamara Hope.
But yes, lovely setting, beautiful use of light and scenery, appropriately costumed, and kind of touching.
Yay, CBC and I aren't in such a giant fight. Still a big fight though. Don't even get me started on Little Mosque on the Prairie...

Also, I did indeed go to see How She Move. Awesome.
I love dance movies. I'm never pretending I don't.

Now I want to be a step dancer. Except I've never had a muscle in my life.

My college classmate, Dwain, was really excellent. More than held his own and really carried the film. Oh, and danced. I believe that's probably owed to all those ballroom dance classes we had. I can only assume.
I liked the grainy, gritty feel of this film. It wasn't pretending to be a polished Hollywood product, it felt more honest. Still pretty formulaic in the plot-line, but I'll forgive them because I love dance movies. I'll admit the mother and father had me tearing up at the end.
But I cry at everything...
I'm not sure this movie was actually "good" and I am definitely not a part of the Black step community in Scarborough, so I have no idea how realistic it was.
But I love dance movies.

Hmmm. That GF might have been a little bit right about No One by Alicia Keys. It does kind of hit the spot when you're wanting that spot hit.

There's lots of grammar/spelling mistakes in this blog. I bet you feel a little self-righteous when you spot them.

SKILLZ

I keep checking the craigslist missed connections, but so far no ugly-boots...

oh I shouldn't talk about it on here now one of you will just post it and I'll get my hopes up and then they'll be DASHED

Today I'm working the hockey "skills competition". I hope to see some mad, mad skillz
pony-riding skills, step dancing skills, computer hacking skills, typing skills, wine tasting skills, pizza tossing skills, guitar playing skills, baby-making skills,

Whoa that word has lost meaning to me know and looks spelled wrong.

Hockey Day in Canada!

ABC Family bought Sophie.
http://www.cbc.ca/arts/tv/story/2008/02/05/sophie-abc.html?ref=rss
Which proves that the writers' strike has affected their heads. Oh, wait, ABC Family was the one with the series Beautiful People (which is how I met Teddy Geiger one time and he fell in love with me, but that's another story), so their heads were already messed.
Also interesting in this article - I didn't realize it was an adaptation of a successful Quebecoise TV series.
This is maybe the only show of CBC's new line-up that I can bear to watch without clawing at my face, but it is still just not very good.
It's the over-done caricatures that are still really getting to me. And how completely unrealistic some of the characters are. "It's fresh and funny but with real heart and warmth." - ABC Family worker guy
Really?
Really though?

I made my friend watch JPod with me last night while we were getting ready to go out.
Whoa. We were both in awe. Of how bad it is.
Even the costume design of that show screams Canadian TV.
The resident bad boy/sex addict wearing DOG TAGS, seriously? Of course he is. With his spiky hair and Diesel Clothing, his motorcycle boots and unbuttoned shirts. And the "pretty girl" who happens to be blonde and blue-eyed and wears a whole goddamn lot of pink... ingenious. And the Asian girl who wears printed T's and shorts with boots! Awesome.
I can't take any of these characters seriously because I want to punch them.
And that's not even getting into how bad the plot lines are. (Seriously you kidnapped the woman who wrote the happy birthday song and then posted a video of her rolling around in money on the internet? Neat!)

I heard rumours that a US station was going to pick up The Border as well, until they realized that it sucks. I only watched the first episode of this and it seemed fine. But fine is never something that's going to keep viewers coming back for more. It's funny that in Canada we settle for 'fine', like it's the best we can do, so it's worthwhile. Nope. Not good enough.

The news this morning was saying that the American writers are in talks again this weekend. So the strike just might be settled soon.

I've always said that I'd way rather work in Canada, but these days... the industry is just so disappointing.

The problem is that I care.
I wish it meant nothing to me.

.

More to say except I have to run to work and I seem to be wearing some sort of "streetcar repellent" these days.
Any time I leave my house there are no streetcars in sight and even if they do come around they always short-turn and leave me stranded and stuff.
Yay TTC!

Tonight I plan on seeing How She Move. I love dance movies like I can't even tell you, and this one stars one of my college classmates. So it should be interesting...
Oh and stay tuned for how much I love hipster parties with cupcakes bakes into ice cream cones and pretentious discussions about film and art in general!
Mmmhmmm....

you - tall, dreamy and ugly-booted, me - coughing up a lung

Whoa. The missed connections section on Craigslist is very odd.

Seriously.

So, I saw a total babe on the Queen streetcar today. He was seriously such a babe. Most of the time I am convinced that I do not have a 'type' (I mean, if you lined up all the people I've been involved with, they would be a somewhat motley crew), but then I see guys like this and I'm like "oh, yeah, totally". Just generally indie-rock cute I guess. I liked his bright eyes and red beard a lot. Though he did have horrendous boots on. Just awful but they looked really really warm and really waterproof and since I've spent the last few weeks with wet, cold feet, I'd forgive him. He was totally eyeing me up as well, he got off at Soho but watched me as the streetcar took me away....
SIGH
I got off at Spadina and looked back for him but didn't see him...
SIGH

I would put a missed connection add up EXCEPT
a) I've seen Ghost World
b) I shouldn't even be allowed to date
and
c) I've decided not to pursue babes anymore. Which, of course, means that I'm never going to get any because boys are giant sucks and never push anything and I am the one who pushes everything and people that do pursue me are never the ones that I want (who do I want though, really?).
But seriously though, babes need to put in effort.

I'm insane. Interacting last night with a boy who used to have a crush on me for sure but then I've been sort of standoffish lately so now he was returning the favour, I felt so slighted that I had to try and win back his affections and prove that I was worthy of having a crush on.
Seriously?
Not cool.
Everyone likes having people interested in them. But for all of my talk of care and care-taking, I sure am not careful of people like I need to be.

I'm mean.

Last night I apologized to a babe who I've been rather mean to in the past few months (though he did somewhat deserve it on account of not being careful AT ALL of me) and he said something like "This is going to sound bad but, I just thought it was your personality"
Thank you, dreamboat.
He went on to try and clarify that, but I do know what he means.
I am mean.

But he, with that sentence, discounted any right I had to be angry or any responsibility he had in the situation.

I'm regretting apologizing.

I've decided to try and become more gracious and polite. Social niceties do not come easily or naturally to me. I have a hard time pretending anything or faking it in any way.
I will try harder. Or at least consider it.

You know what's better than cheese-toast? Cheese-toast with spinach. For realz. I'm still obsessed with spinach. I probably eat more of it than anything else.

I went to Value Village this morning after my audition and I bought rubber boots!!! Finally. Lord how I've needed them in this awful slush festival of a winter. It's funny how rubber boots give such a specific foot feeling. Kind of reassuring.
I also bought five books. I don't know why. Oh yeah, because the library and I are still in a fight re: fines I owe them.

I saw a friend at the audition this morning I auditioned with a few months ago and that time he got the part and I did not. I could totally see him getting this one too. I wish I were a cute boy.
I'm tired of being the catcher anyhow, I want to pitch sometime.

I predict the return of the french braid (and have been wearing them allll the time). It has to return because remember the 80s and early 90s when we spent so much time admiring them and coveting them and learning how to do the different styles? Well a lot of people still have that storehouse of knowledge on them and it needs to be used.
Also, they're good for everyone from office workers to rappers to police officers to country folk.
So braid one in!

shouldn't you be working on your scripts?

One day I am going to write you an entry on just how exactly I am insane. Especially in terms of relationshipping. Especially in terms of the first two (or four) weeks. Especially how I think that I like people that I, in fact, do not. But not today because I'm stuffed full of omelets and waffles.

Aunties and Uncles is my favourite brunch place. One day I will write you a review of why I love it. Even though if you live in Toronto you probably love it too and if you don't live in Toronto you probably don't care.
Anyway, not today.

I am also planning to someday write an entry about how stupid I find funny men who prefer women who are not funny. Who prefer women who are only pretty.
I'm obviously biased on this subject (on account of being a model with no sense of humour), so I can't get into it right now.

So....... apparently there's nothing I want to say today.

Cold update: it's only getting worse. My eyes glued shut while I was sleeping. (Gross, I know, sorry.)

Writing update: I'm a writer?

TV update: I'm excited that the writers' strike is bringing better programming to my main channels. Specifically excited for seeing Dexter and Big Love. I'm excited that the writers' strike seems to maybe (maaaaybe fingers crossed) but making an impact on the Canadian TV writers. Like maybe, for once, we'll get a bunch of new programs and maybe they'll even be given a chance.

EXCEPT:
Everything new that's been put out is AWFUL! Who the shit is in charge of this? Besides my friend's wife (sorry).

Things to cancel/rework entirely:

SOPHIE -
What the hell godawful piece of shit is this? Who thought this was a good idea?
This is a great example of all of the bad things about Canadian television. Specifically the way that every character is not a real person but instead a horribly overdone caricature.

JPOD -
Douglas Coupland should be ashamed of himself. Another example of character vs. caricature. This people are all idiots and I do not want to be friends with any of them and I want them all to fail miserably and get out of my face.

MVP (Secret Lives of Hockey Wives) -
Kristin Booth is a good actress, she's been a working actor in Canada for some time. She has talent. What is she doing on this show? And why is she playing a hot blonde? Even the fact that there are babes on this show does not make me want to watch it. It is terrible. It is a blatant attempt to get both men and women to watch it. It has soap opera plot lines mixed with hockey politics.

CBC did a shit job with their new shows this year. Though, I have to say, I'm glad that they are making an attempt at original programming and have gotten out of their "reality TV will save us!!!" mentality. I find it commendable that they're introducing a bunch of new Canadian shows at once, but, HOW ARE NONE OF THESE SHOWS EVEN REMOTELY GOOD?

Embarrassing.

A few years ago CBC did pilots of a few potential shows including This Space For Rent and Rabbittown. Both of those pilots made me want to see more. Why weren't those ones picked up?
(Haha, I just IMDB'ed them and found that one of the writers of Rabbittown is writing/acting on MVP. I don't get it.)

I shouldn't be rude about these shows, and will continue to watch them. We all know that if I got offered roles in any of them I would gladly grovel for them...
But....

We should do something about this. Canadian are capable of making good TV. I know it. I have to believe it. The problem is that it's all on the extreme cable networks that no one can afford to get and that no one watches. ie:
Slings and Arrows
ReGenesis (occasionally shown on Global, but only when they don't have anything better to air)
Durham County (I auditioned for this and have seen only a couple of episodes but it is really pretty creepy and great. I don't know if it's been cancel though... probably)

Instead of buying American cable shows to play on our major networks, they should be buying Canadian TV shows..

I wish I knew how to fix this. I wish the executives knew how to fix this. Quebec, a much smaller populations, has an extremely successful, well-appreciated film community. It must be possible. Except that America is feeding us all the shows we need...

I don't know.

Dear Everyone Who Writes For Television:
Love is all you need.

Characters who LOVE each other (for real not just say that they do)
Characters who LOVE their goals and dreams and even their obstacles
Characters who are in LOVE or are aiming for LOVE
LOVEable characters, who people can relate to and want to be friends with, or at least LOVE to hate and want to see more of

Love,

That Girls Who Writes About Writing Instead of Actually Writing

I know that I do not know everything and that I would not actually be able to fix it and that people are trying their best.
I'm just frustrated.

I look good

I look good
I look good
I look good
I look good
I look good
I look good
I look good
I look good
I look good
Why you gotta hate on me?
Shit, I look good

-The Pack (I look good)




Check these sweet earrings Dana gave me yesterday after I admired them on her!
Whoa holy hell they're so hot.
I'm never going to not-wear them. Except maybe at work on account of earrings are supposed to be no bigger than the size of a nickel.

So.... I'm continuing on in hopes of being a rap star. I can't let it go. Even though MCDA has fully disbanded (we aren't even all in the same city all the time, and one of us is married), I still want to bring the mad, mad rhymes and mad, mad flava. You know?
And I'm pretty fresh, I have to say.

Or at least I get fresh, pretty much the same thing.

Clipse is my all-time favourite rap group. If you know any other rap groups you think could rival them right now, you should let me know.
I like The Pack and I like The Cool Kids... but nothing is as all-round hotttt as Clipse.

I plan on being as sexist and horrendous as boy rappers... but towards men. It's sort of like; if you can't beat 'em, join 'em. Except different.

Shit. I always paint my nails and then get paint allllll over the keyboard. Fuck around.

The back of my computer, where the power cord attaches, has been really touchy and likes to shut the computer down and lose my blog entries. And it sparked a little bit. Am I going to burn down and die?

I've gotten it into my head that I'm really really hungry and no matter what I eat today I still feel empty.

This cold I've had for a week seems to only be getting worse. It's a good excuse for sleeping twelve hours, but even then I still feel worn-out and worn-down. Gross. I wish the coughing would stop. It's hard to sleep.
It's also hard to pick up babes.

me: I don't even want to pick up babes, I'd just give them my cold
s: so? Who cares? You have to be more selfish, I mean, if you had syphilis or gonorrhea, you wouldn't tell them, right?

Exactly.

I'm also having extreme stress dreams. I never have nightmares, but I've been coming close lately. What's with that?
I had dreams last night of losing children, people trapped in elevators, my entire family getting crushed by falling debris...
No, really, what's with that?

Improv teacher: "So you really do think you're great, it's not just an act to cover up your insecurities?"

Um....

I do not do not do not want to go out in the snowstorm. I shouldn't have said yes when they called me in today. Except I'm still so close to dying on the streets.
I wonder when I'll get all the riches..

I made this booklet for you

Last night I worked the Leafs game. I was by myself so I had no one to talk to. When it was busy, it was busy but when it was slow, holy hell was I ever bored.
So I made this booklet on paper from the till and with a pen I found:

















I'm going to go to sleep now. Possibly for the entire afternoon. Right up until I have to work the Spice Girls (ick ick ick) concert tonight.

I didn't really sleep because I stayed up watching MTV (saw myself twice only) til four or five and then we slept three-in-a-bed at my friend's house. I always love love love cuddling up and being all smooshed in together but I never do sleep well...

We were supposed to be scoping babes last night but we ended up at the gayest of gay parties at Stone's Place.
Speaking of being promised cock and given nothing at all...
So we just danced up on each other and watched everyone make out.
Gay parties have way, way more making out than regular bars. And I find I'm less irritated by it.

I still love my lifestyle.

Attack plan for February:
Party It Out

(and if that doesn't work, drink a lot)

I'm broke

I need to get another job.
But I don't want to!
And I probably won't...

I'm done baby-sitting in the days now. At brunch my friend pointed out to me that I'd become one of those parents who only talk about their kids. Well, kids are funny. And that's like the only thing I do during the week. And I'm not a parent. So whatevers.
I have to say, I'm so looking forward to sleeping in all week. And staying up until 4, writing. I wish I could be productive during the day. New skills to try for.
.

I've decided to increase my coffee intake and rely more on caffeine to run my life. I haven't been getting enough sleep to play this any other way.

.

I'm misrepresenting myself on here, maybe.
And in real life, too.

Things that are also true:

- I believe in love (resisting qualifying that statement)

- I believe that at some point I will be able to hold something down

- I have respect for men, they are not just objects to me

- care-taking is most important

- not that many babes have crushes on me

- I can still have fun without drinking

- Hershey's chocolate kisses smell a bit like barf. So do my kisses.

promises, promises

"don't promise me cock then give me nothing at all"

"isn't that a meatloaf song?"

.

Ooooooooh blog.

I'm too tired.
Too tired to not party.
Because I never stop partying.

I did a shot of Buckley's to start it all off. Because for some reason I haven't been sick enough this year apparently.
gugh.