this little angel came in and fell asleep beside me while I worked on the computer in the afternoon yesterday.
I've been trying to compose a blog entry here on promiscuity and the idea of being slutty and my jealousy of people who feel completely at ease with their sexuality.
But it's a difficult thing to write about.
(Mum, you don't have to read this one if you don't want to!)
I don't know why I worry so much about what other people think of me, especially since I yell around about how much I don't care.
I'm constantly single. We're all clear on that one, yeah?
(oh, meredith, we never would have guessed.)
Why am I?
I don't know. I don't like anyone enough? I like musicians too much? I like people who don't like me?
I'm the Groucho Marx of relationships, I don't want to belong to any relationship that would have me as a member.
that is half-joke.
I love babes. I love the idea of love. I love being in love (in theory). I've been happy dating people.
At some point I'd like to be in a relationship, but I refuse to make that my priority or act like it's holding me back in some way.
So what do you do when you are single but not dying to marry the next man you meet?
Casual sex!
I have several women friends these days who are just out of long-term relationships and are back to being single for the first time in forever. They are almost high on the possibilities and sowing their wild oats like there's no tomorrow.
These newly single friends have such a different take on things. An openness to sex being less of a big deal, to it being more of a fun activity.
I'd like to be like that, too!
I think one of the big things about me is that I've never been in anything particularly long-term.
And few months here and there, spread out over years, is not enough time to get fully comfortable with all things and with one person and with myself, even.
I'm sad to never have had a long-term relationship for a couple of valid reasons, but that one takes the cake.
Anyhow, I'm always mostly single. And always have crushes. And lately I've been wishing I were the type of person for whom casual sex were really casual and easy.
And it isn't.
There are people I know for whom it's the obvious answer to go home with strangers and have sex with them. They can have a huge crush on one person and still go home with another, just for fun.
I'm jealous of that attitude!
They don't take their crushes seriously, they know that nothing is certain, that a crush doesn't mean love, that you can be with someone for a minute and everything will still be fine and you can even still hang out with them later.
I have a hard time separating emotion or attachment out of the equation. I find there are few people I'd like to spend that concentrated amount of time with, and those I do, well.. why wouldn't I want it to be something more? And those I don't like enough, I get worried about their feelings or what they expect of me, or I get irritated with them and never want them near me.
Also, I have a hard time sleeping with people who I like too much. Ha! Too much thinking.
For someone who has a billion crushes at all times, I definitely take things too seriously. I worry about messing things up, making situations complex, about feelings.
I tend to feel like people I'm with reflect back on me, and so I'm pretty choosy about who I'd like to make out with, even.
These days I've been wishing I were easier.
More open to situations, more willing to take risks (not STI risks). It seems rather fun.
Goes along with my plan to become more of a yes-man. I'd like to be the kind of guy who's up for party. For seeing what comes next. For being more relaxed about life. And not making everything such a damn Big Deal.
You know, though, I say this, but there have been times where I was more open to things, involved with more than one person, trying to let things happen, and I found it hard on my heart.
It's the stress of the rise and fall of hope.
And the stress of taking care of people and making sure I'm being kind to myself and to them.
It's hard not to take things seriously.
Also, I'm frequently not comfortable with other humans in my space. I'm still influenced by things in the past and it affects how open I am, and what my boundaries are.
Also, I have romantic eyes.
And I have a tendency to feel lonely when I'm with a person who I'm not actually enamored with.
(I know I've said that before.)
At some point (probably when I'm 40, I bet), I'll have the sort of abandon and cock-sure-attitude I desire.
Something to work on.
All of a sudden while writing this I started to realize how silly all of this is. I bet Niki is laughing at me.
Goddamn first world problems. And I keep bursting out of my room to run topspeed down the hallway to drink more greentea because sitting in this room is driving me nuts but I did want to finish this entry!
Also, BABES BABES BABES BABES BABES
Also, I think people who judge people for promiscuity are ridiculous.
And I think we should be able to do whatever we want. Just so long as no one gets hurt (which, of course, people do. see, I can't stop thinking).
Okay. Good. This is nowhere near what I wanted to write. But TOO BAD for me.
I would venture to say that I almost have a tan this summer. Weird, hey?
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