homesick all the time no matter where I am

Saskatoon gets harder to navigate the longer you're away.

These days I feel like I'm made of awkward, like I don't know how to make the small talk necessary to get to the big talk.
Wouldn't even know how to start.

There's people that have sort of faded out from my life and I'm not sure who's fault that is (at all). I'm losing interest in being the friend initiator while I'm in town. Too much work. I'm bad at dialing numbers and writing emails.

Usually I'm good at friending. I'll push people who aren't even that sure of me into being my bff. Which is fine and great and a skill I've honed to serve me and that I'm pleased with. But there's only so many years of distance that it can stretch through.
My fault for moving away.



Frequently I wonder who I'd be if I had stayed in Saskatoon.
I can almost guarantee I wouldn't be as strong or as self-confident.
I love Saskatoon so ridiculous much and I love the people here but there's something about it like you agree to be a certain way, like you agreed to have a certain personality (I think that's a My So-Called Life quote) and you're not allowed to grow out of it.
Not that I'm some great comedian, but it never occurred to me until college (second year) that I was funny, that I was able to do improv or sketch. In Saskatoon I left that up to the boys I was friends with. God knows why.
I'm not sure of how I would have found the confidence to really pursue arts and writing and especially acting in Saskatoon. It's like I needed a blank slate to assert myself on.

I think for sure I'd have been in a long-term relationship by now if I'd stayed in Saskatoon.
Can't really date around in Saskatoon. There's only so many babes. Although every time I come home I still love home-babes.
Is it just me or do Saskatoon folk seem more well-rounded? More solid or three-dimensional? Complete?

Do I sound nuts?
Probably. I just got home from the bar and I'm stressed about leaving again and got an annoying bit of homesickness for a massive city that's not really home.