ouch though

I feel like I spend kind of a lot of time defending some of my friends. I have real issues with people hating on people I love though. And I have a tendency to have one good friend from every group of friends, never being a particular mainstay in any group. So all my friends are sort of scattered. And don't necessarily like each other. Also, things I find funny and charming aren't always appealing to other people.
I don't have a point, only that I love so many people so much and I wish everyone I like liked each other.

Uh huh.

So. My trip is more than half over. Whoaly. So glad I extended it though, otherwise I would have left this morning. Too soon!
I'm less concerned about spending time with my mother though, on account of she's coming to Toronto in three weeks.

I've been looking pretty hard for a Saskatoon husband. See, because I need a babe that will want to live half in Toronto and half here with me. And it'll be easier, I think, to convince a Saskatonian to move to Toronto than vice-versa.
But so far, no luck on the babe front. Sighs.

Had a mad rad dance party on the rooftop patio of a bar the other night. My friend was DJing and we all broke it down. We girls seriously gave 'er for a bit there. Those kind of dance parties are the best.
I've had a couple of dance parties since being here. Just what I needed. And will always need.
It's funny how everyone hangs out with their siblings here. I can't think of any siblings I hang out with in Toronto, really. But here - holy jesus. You're only cool if you bring along your sisters and brothers. It's kind of fantastic.
Karaoke last night (I did Rocking Around the Christmas Tree [obvs]), I was with three sisters and their mum! Yeah huh.
I wish I had some cool sibs.

A couple of people I meet here ask if I have any siblings and then tell me how much I look like so and so or so and so. Which makes me think maybe I will have siblings too. Man I would totally try and befriend my siblings if I found I had any.. I would try and make them be my BFFs and tell everyone about how I'm born of donor insemination.
I'm obnoxious like that.
Mum really should have considered how little she likes people knowing her business before
a) having babies by donor insemination
b) having an obnoxious child like me

I'm not forgetting that I do, indeed, have a real-time-half-brother (half? he's more like TWO. he's a giant!!) but he's no fun. He is anti-drug, anti-drinking and he wants to be a police officer. And he goes to Mennonite house-church! I don't even know what to say to that.

Hmm.

So, while walking down Broadway yesterday, I was looking for, and found, a certain boy I'd been needing to talk to. And I'm going to hang out with him this afternoon.
But the thing is that he's schizophrenic. And also he is the only boy I've ever been in love with.
And seeing him yesterday was both wonderful and heartbreaking. He was more lucid than I've seen him since he was hospitalized in 2001, he was funny, charming, and able to make eye contact. Telling me how pretty I am and how well I've aged (ha). He was so, so himself. And cognizant of how he is crazy. Telling me how he's not quite sure what is actually true, how he hasn't heard voices lately, and how he's quit everything (from meat to cigarettes to the ketamine he was injecting [ironically, ketamine is like the pharmacological model of schizophrenia]), and how he's living on his own - aware of how he keeps only being able to be friends with the wrong kinds of people. I guess if you end up on the streets for a bit, you don't get much choice.
It's frustrating how everyone (my friends most definitely included), who had looked up to him when he was a brilliant student/musician/actor in high school, now have so completely written him off. He has become a joke, a leper, not anything anyone can deal with. And even people who I know are so flippant about it with me. Breaks my heart breaks my heart so badly, like it is impossible to explain.
And I loved him so hard then. And never had a chance to fall out of love with him because he just changed. Our relationship never played itself out, never ended naturally.

I want to write all of it out right now, but I'm short on time and perspective today. And I guess I'll just see how it goes tonight. Maybe it'll be good for at least one of us. Maybe it'll be great.
I feel like I need a buffer though, like layers of foam padding around my heart.
He got on his bike yesterday as we left each other and called back "Love you Mare!"