and my mammy and me we don't want for nothing more

Today is not really much better than yesterday. No, yeah, things are fine!





JANUARY JANUARY JANUARY.


It's usually around February/March/April that things start really digging in to me all the time and dragging me down. Seasonal depression comes early this year. Which is extra dumb because I had a big plan in place for how to avoid it.
Not working out like I'd planned.





Brunch today with Sass.
We're both feeling a bit trapped/deflated about Toronto, maybe. This city is hard sometimes.


After brunch I grocery shopped in Kensington and forgot most of what I meant to buy. I considered gluten-free flour and baking stuffs but then I realized how fully broke I am right now. That shit is expensive, yo.


Then I tidied up and had people over about a short film we're planning for. That was good. Yeah, see, that was good. Good for me for doing good things and being productive and staving off depression by making artistic plans. RIGHT?


I also made apple crisp for us to eat and that was delicious.
So life is good.





I'm an actor. I do not have any desire to stop acting or to put it on the backburner.
I do, however, need to find a complimentary career.
Something I can do in tandem with acting. Something with a steady income but flexible-ish hours to work with my acting jobs and auditions.


What is this career?


I have seriously been thinking about this for so long and I haven't come up with anything, really.


Considering:
real estate
some sort of home-business/owned business
panhandler
boss (instead of golfing I would go to auditions)
personal assistant .
carpenter/electrician
writer (because this is lucrative)




I don't have any university, I don't know how to use Microsoft Word, I don't have any interest in working until 4 a.m., I'm kind of tired of customer service, and I think I deserve to be paid a living wage.


Anyone?





Haa, that picture looks extra intense after all that, eh?


Oh, also, maybe having no money and no real jobs keeps me "hungry" for acting work? Why aren't I a super successful actor yet, then?

allez vous en

Tonight I watched Up in the Air (Recommend) and The Lovely Bones (Recommend if you like waaaaaaay too much CGI all over the place at ineffectual times and stuff, but man I do like that girl, also parts were good).

Yesterday I watched Precious (Recommend, not as horrifying in some way as I expected and then yeah still totally horrifying. Also, Mariah Carey is so neat-looking and great in this, no?) and then my dreams were all fucked up.

I dreamt I couldn't have children and this made me pretty upset and I woke up all annoyed at the whole dream and night of sleep.

Was having (drunken) conversations with Cpt. Heh and Miss Lindeman last week about having kids and being parents and so on. Did I say that already? I said that already, but,
I think that people who want kids:

a) LOVE THEIR PARENTS SO MUCH (or love themselves, maybe)
b) are lonely/have low self-esteem/want to live vicariously through their children/want someone to love them unconditionally.


Is that rude?

Probably. It's 3:49a.m. and I just cried for a long time in a hysterical kind of way because it was late and I was sad and nothing is going right for me these days and I didn't want to call and wake my mum who normally calms me down.
Can't call my friends because they turn the subject back to themselves (ha, like I do when I talk to my mum).

Youth is about being selfish.
It's getting a little old though, yeah?


The worst thing happened to me recently where I thought I was being giving and unselfish and kind and care-taking and a good friend (all those things I want to be) and I thought that it was fully understood that that's what I was doing.
And then it turned out it just seemed like I was a push-over or overly-invested or worthless because I cared too much.

It's awful to feel like an ugly little troll, who is just waiting around for someone to care about them. It's strange to be so misinterpreted. 

I've been waiting for the sadness to kick in and I guess it finally has but mostly it's about everything these days. Work is awful (meaning there is none), no auditions, huge body image issues, slightly stressful health issues, friend annoyances, and I'm so ridiculously badly in debt that it's embarrassing (to me, I'm sure there's worse-off people).
And Christmas is gone and nothing fun is happening forever and a half!!

Yes.   and the worst part is realizing that someone who you thought understood you a little bit, someone you thought knew how important you are, how wonderful, how worthwhile.... just didn't. Just didn't understand at all.

It's depressing.

For the most part I'm just annoyed and also relieved. I don't have to care anymore.
I don't have to be misinterpreted.
I'm free and in the clear. 

And I feel like I've gained so much and learned so much and grown so much and I have calmed down so much in the past year

(though I'm not sure that is evidenced by this blog entry. or maybe. I don't know.)


I know this is part private blog entry. It's hard to wrangle what should go where and what limits to abide by. One blog friend recently said
"I want to capitalize on being single"
and the thing is, all of these interpersonal relationships are the hardest to write about on any sort of public forum because everything we do with others is half theirs and they maybe get half control of it. Or at least are owed some space/respect.
Unless they make you mad enough! Or are selfish and stupid enough.
No, even then I've backed off of things I wanted to say.

Everything was easier in the diaryland days, yeah?

One of my first boyfriends was very into Tom Robbins and he told me once that I could say anything to anyone about what went on between us because he never wanted to be embarrassed of anything he did/said (something like that, anyway).
I really like that sentiment.


It's tough to make a really interesting, real-time, honest-to-life blog without the best parts. Ya know?

One cannot help but envy Tony who says everything in his blog is not true (even when it is, I think).

Oh, January, why you gotta be like this?

jingle jingle no keys in the pockets

I'm all tuckered out now, I managed to lose my keys at Tattoo last night and not realize until I got home at 4 a.m. Classic. It's all sorted now but it was annoying last night, that's for sure.
I try not to get too mad about stuff like that. Actually I try not to get too worked up about anything, really. I wonder how much of that is proper coping and how much is suppressing...

There's really loud construction work going on below me (they seem to be ripping so much of the main floor out that I wonder how it will still support me up here...) and so I can't nap. I might still try, though.



Ha, Ruth Buzzi is pretty funny. She wore that around the house for an embarrassingly long time. Way to go, Ruth! I'm getting Ruth's profile ready to go up on the TCR website soon... Then you can adopt her!
Ruth Buzzi doesn't have infinite patience for me. I like that about her, she's not a pushover.




I took this picture while walking from my cousin's house to my friend's house in Saskatoon. Serious sigh dream cottage little tiny house with a wreath and lights and everything. Good location, too. Want.





I took these pictures of myself at my mum's house. Yeah I'm slowly working my way back through the photos hopefully the ones from actual Christmas will come soon. Whatever, I'm only a month behind.



Holy christchild I just realized how broke I am. Ughhhh so classic. Every January. This is getting old like ooooolllllllldddddddddd. Ya know?



I wonder if I could get a job taking pictures of myself. Should I become a  camgirl? Is this 2005?
Is there a market for really really awkward solo porn tapes? Probably. Hmmm.

seriously though, IF YOU HAVE A JOB FOR ME, PLEASE GIVE IT TO ME. Thanks!

Death Comes to Town (on business!)

Weird, I still haven't blogged really about hanging out with (read staring creepily at) The Kids in the Hall.



Sass took me along with her to the Rivoli for a pre-screening of their new show Death Comes to Town.




Hahaa, I'm so funny, I was so excited to meet this guy, Jesse Camacho, he was so lovely and sweet, he's the star of Less Than Kind.
Here's a trailer for it:

I watched all of it online on the CityTV site last year and you should catch up, too! It's moving to HBO Canada for this season, which could be real good for it.. You can look at their new site: Less Than Kind Online. Oh yeah, Mark McKinney is one of the producers/writers..Wow it's link central around here today.

AAAnyway.


I got crazy but Sass stayed cool (she should be a bassist she stays so cool).



You know what, though? Sass is really funny. To me she's funniest when I least expect it. Or when she's really hyper. Or when she pretends not to know how to speak English.

Then we gave some funny people some fingers! I'm sure they appreciated the humour of the situation!


Scott Thompson is possibly my favourite Kid in the Hall. Is it rude to pick favourites?
Also Mark McKinney.

Also all of them, actually... Anyway, I think that Scott is especially lovely.
This article in Torontoist made me love him even more, and also let me know that he as a google alert set up for his name in blogs and stuff. Too bad I'm sure that everyone is writing about him these days so he'll never even notice how much I care....
SIGH.


Chris Locke is very very funny and Scott Thompson thinks so too, that's a pretty big endorsement, I'd love to have Scott Thompson get behind me (SEXUAL INNUENDO).


Chris Locke was very worried about his forehead-pimple. We were all too polite to say anything, good thing he pointed it out so that we could all acknowledge (and photograph) the elephant in the room.

Awww fun times. Did I mention it was open bar? I really need to stop going to places like that. 

 

Oh yeah, I stole a lot of these photos from Sass, so you can go over to her to see more. Yeah? Yeah. 

Haha Bruce McCulloch came over to me and was like "You know in the series, Death has a thing for redheads...." I just laughed so hard.

Yes, so watch the show! You can catch up online: www.cbc.ca/kidsinthehall, especially watch this week's episode because on of my favourite past co-stars plays a hot french puck bunny.. not to be missed!

Wow, seriously link party around here today. You're welcome.

kitty come home

If you think I don't laze around all day every day in my pinstripe pajamas then you just don't know me at all.



January blues setting in. Anyone else? It's hard to even consider that we still have February, March, and April to get through! It give me minor anxiety when I think about how cold it's going to be for how long. And I even think I like winter most of the time.

I'm having a bit of embarrassment over my drunk ranting to Cpt. and Miss Lindeman last night... such is life.


Imagine if my hair always looked like that just natural-like? Can I get a wave put in? Is this the 80s?

I had a dream I was January Jones except also me and I was nominated for a Golden Globe (or something) but I kept getting stuck in my mum's basement (my actual mum not JJ's mum) where she was redecorating. Also I was wearing a really really awful dress that was actually two pieces and the skirt was huge and great but the bustier top was soooo bad, both were emerald green, though, totally a colour I would love to wear, and I kept wanting to change out of it but I only had my actual real-life wardrobe to choose from and I was super self-conscious of my fat arms and I was like I can't wear that super-short black party dress because the Mrs. tells me I wear it too much...
ANYWAY,
I never did make it to the red carpet but luckily it started raining so I didn't feel too badly I just stayed at my mum's house and watched the show on the giant TV we used to have and when the cameras panned to where I was supposed to be sitting beside Christina Hendricks and Jon Hamm there was a cardboard cut-out of January Jones. And I thought "don't they have professional seat-fillers for this sort of thing?"

Imagine I actually got to go to a big awards show? I would be so obnoxious.



I've been cleaning out my google reader, turns out there were things that just annoyed me or people's stuff I felt like I should read but really didn't want to. Not my actual friends, though, I'll read (most) of their stuff no matter what.
 But I could use some new great blogs to read? Any suggestions?



I think I'm going to capitalize on having a clean-ish house right now by cleaning a bit more, organizing, throwing things out, and then possibly get around to attempting something creative... I have a few dresses I've been planning out and meaning to make....

Oh yeah, and I'm going to listen to a lot of Kate and Anna McGarrigle by way of youtube because I don't have any of their music but Mum has all their records and I kind of love them, also, RIP Kate, you were pretty nice.

i like what i like more than is healthy

I like how the windows at Aunties these days get fogged up so lovely like a tiny dream-chalet. leave me alone, I like what I like more than is healthy.





Oh so much more of a better mood today. Thank god! Lunch with a Saskatoon bff only passing through. We went to Aunties again (leave me alone) and had breakfast tacos and cleaned our plates like they probably didn't even need to go into the dishwasher.
McGruff remembered that my friend was from Saskatoon and talked with us for a bit, couldn't understand our love of that city. He's from Montreal, I guess he feels a bit holier-than-thou about it (I mean, Montreal is awesome, I'll give you that for sure...) but I feel like unless you've lived in Saskatoon for a few months you really can't know how it is there...





Then I cleaned up a bit and Cpt. Heh came over for coffee (nope, wait  --- mimosas) while I was cleaning and I was talking about having a bit of a dinner party tonight but then my bad mood yesterday made me cancel it because I hated everything in the world at the time but Miss Lindeman was still going to come over (she's leaving for a month soon, so I need to get a bit of face time with her, ya know??). Anyway, so the Cpt. was there drinking mimosas (thanks, wine friend, for my birthday prosecco present sooo good!!!) and eating cheese (old cheddar, dill havarti, smoked gouda) and then we made him stay to eat because he was there anyway and what I was really not into was the big production that a dinner party would take and just one more friend isn't too much of a production....
It ended up being really lovely. Mimosas and then rum and that coconut curry soup I've been on about and there were nice talks and discussions on why we'd like to be/are terrified of being parents and talks about relationships (or lack thereof) and about why TV is terrible and only occasionally great...
My kind of evening.



Now it is bedtime and not terribly late and I feel a bit more equipped to plan my next moves and get moving and respond to babes and be a better human and work on proper projects. HOPEFULLY!


Ha, there's proof that we stay too long and everyone leaves and then finally we pack up and head'er and Aunties is glad to see us go...

stallions with wings

 

HERE ARE SOME PICTURES FROM US PARTYING THIS WEEKEND.

whooaa is that Dollface? she's like a mystical beast around here like a unicorn or a talking car or a stallion with wings. She's been busy I guess....................

Anyway, it was fun to see her and paaaarty forever.

like charley's angels only much, much more terrifying:

hahahahah nice:

Yeah we were out looking for rich husbands (just kidding) (not really kidding but we hardcore failed, so.....) and so we had to step outside of our comfort zone. Turns out I don't do things I don't normally do because I only like doing what I normally do.

Oh yeah and the one guy that I talked to (at Czehoski, which isn't even bad) was like:

"we might go to a place in Kensington market after... I don't know if you'd know it... the boat?... oh you know the boat?..... you like cool things, hey?"

WHAT?

WHAT DOES "LIKING COOL THINGS" EVEN MEAN??

I asked him that but he just laughed. I felt annoyed and I drank my hendricks gin and tonic with cucumber slices that raymi made me get.

I mostly stood around and felt annoyed with people. I like to party!

Dollface and Raymi got along right away, which was pretty great.

I wasn't jealous at all of their closeness if that's what you're wondering.

There is not one single shot where we all look anywhere close to the sane, beautiful, smart, articulate women that you know we are (deep, deep down).

Sass looks the best in most of these, she stays cool.

Look, we're at Sneaky Dee's to "eat our feelings". I don't remember us saying this but it must have happened, so I will reference it!

awww lovelies:

Got home so late but full of beans so I didn't feel as horrendously drunk as I probably was... and I didn't write too many embarrassing things into the internet, so all in all it was a pretty fun night!