We got it down to these two:
and
We decided on number 2 in the end. But now I think I'm changing my vote back to number 1. Hmm. Weigh in!
Please?
This one for casting workbook as well because I have a giant grin on my face and there's nothing more charming than that, no?
I find it stressful dissect what I look like.
I think for someone of medium-good-looks I think I have a healthy handle on what I look like, why it's good and why it's bad, but it's still hard to feel awkward about certain features.
Like one's weight. Ugh! What a trite subject, something that I find offensive to have to worry about.
I'm healthy, I walk everywhere, I eat alright mostly. I don't know.
I find hanging out with my agent, knowing that he knows that I am a bit too fat for real success in film and tv, to be a bit stressful.
As a regular human, as a staunch feminist, I don't agree with it only being skinny skinny women on our screens. I don't think that 30 pounds should be the difference between character actress and lead. I'm such a nice size for being a normal human being and yet I hate my body so much of the day. And I hate myself for not working harder to tone-up or not being able to say no to beer and fries.
How upsetting!
I'm super lucky! I'm well-made and attractive, it's such a shitty buzz that I constantly feel like I'll never be good enough. It's a shitty buzz that if you are not-quite-skinny it's almost a more awkward place to be for acting than fat.
ANYWAY.
I know I've said all this before, just stressed out about it again. How fun!
Soooo serious!
srsly.
on facebook I captioned this one: "you know that awkward stage kids go through where the have to start playing at being cute because they are not actually cute anymore? yeah."
I stick by that caption.
In this one I look like someone I'd want to be friends with. ha, in case you were wondering.
Do I feel embarrassed having this for a face? Oh god, obviously!
My teeth look good here, though. That's good! I still want to get them fixed.
The other day I made a rough list of things I would purchase if I had money. It was thousands and thousands of dollars worth of things.
I would like to learn how to fix cars. I'm not sure if I'm joking about this or no.
I'm pretty fucking pale, hey?
I'm pretty into it. I could do without the constant blushing but I will not complain about my skin. I've been lucky, thusfar.
Nice colours in these photos. Arrow did a real good job, my agent was impressed. Also relieved that I finally got new photos done. Ha.
What I like a lot about these shots is that I think I look like me. I have no desire for photos where I look way better than in real life or where I look a bit put-on.
That's what Arrow and Mrs. and I talked about, too, and aimed for. That I wanted a super honest shot. I think I can have an openness about me in my performances which is my best asset, no contest.
So I need a photo that conveys that as much as possible.
THIS IS EXACTLY HOW I FEEL HALF THE TIME
THIS IS EXACTLY HOW I FEEL THE OTHER HALF OF THE TIME.
haa, but I do mean that. I feel like those faces are beyond classic in terms of honest conveyance of what I'm about.
Speaking of partying, for some godforsaken reason I ended up at Cheval (a nightclub in the nightclub district which is kind of the worst place on earth) on Saturday night pouring Grey Goose (suuuuuper awkwardly) into my mouth.
Ha! I will do anything, go anywhere for the experience. Except maybe no more clubs?
It was actually super funny, me tagging along with two of my favourite Sweet Thingers (it's funny how every member of SweetThing has been my favourite in different moments, I like that) and I turned to mwaters and said, "we're at a club!"
hahaaha.
Dayna managed to get me a ticket to hang out with her at their show on Saturday where they opened for Down With Webster at Massey Hall, so that's why we ended up at said club, for the after-party.
Haaa the door guy worked at Aunties forever before and I was so happy/surprised to see him but I think he was double-shocked to see me in his line-up. In fact I believe his words were "I never thought I'd see you here". hahahaahaa you and me both, sister.
Oh yeah and before that we hung around while Sweet Thing signed autographs for all these girls after the show and I was laughing so hard. Man, I'm the rudest, I know. But, really, I did think it was the best. So great. I want to say adorable but I know that sounds condescending.
Swag swore never to sign autographs in front of me anymore. Awwww. They love Swag like nothing else. He is pretty babely.
For some godforsaken reason mwaters has decided to wear a poncho this tour. A yellow one with no shirt on under. I don't know why. But overhearing the girls talk about it was amazing. "I just want to know why".
I just felt like I was watching myself 10 years ago hanging around waiting for Treble Charger to come out and sign my converse-released single (still own, jfyi).
We did a good job on partying at the club, stayed til the end almost. I looked for babes but I found them severely lacking, except the ones I came with of course (chortle chortle sigh).
and I had a bit of a heart-to-heart with mwaters, who has long been on my passive-crush list and is someone I think highly of but don't always know how to communicate with.
mwaters inquired as to why pretty girls are mostly awful humans. I offered that it's because they're always looking for the next best thing.
I'd say that's pretty accurate.
You get an idea of how good you are in your head and look for a date accordingly, the more inflated your sense of self becomes, the more you can't "settle", even if "settling" would maybe land you someone who you'd actually be even and well-matched with.
(haaaaa I like the juxtaposition of my face in the middle of this story)
Not just for pretty people, but for people with bits of money or fame or talent or genius, too. The fear of settling and the desire to land the ultimate best we can get makes us all into assholes.
Totally flawed logic and probably not always done on purpose, but I still think that's what's going on a lot.
If you add on my determination to find people who are a bit insane, romantic, huge-loving, then you can understand why I feel the idea of a sustainable relationship is a bit out of my league and scope of understanding at this juncture.
Although still something I aspire to be able to get to at some point?
Who knows!
In case you were wondering, I find it annoying when people express upset on my behalf of my singledom.
And I feel that I'd get less of that if I were male. Just saying. Busy sowing my wild oats over here these days guy.
Hey, also, have you found that blogs these days are getting really, really awesome? About real things and getting into actual issues? I'm very pleased with this trend. Especially when it's as well executed as it has been lately.
Today I'm specifically looking at:
Accost and Jones' blog about their attempts at being more reg: two regular men
and
Cpt. Heh's sobriety blog (heartbreaking and necessary): sober in the city
100% more than worth a full read, both of those links.
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