A couple of weeks ago I had coffee with my friend who just got out of rehab. He says I'm allowed to blog anything, including that he's just gotten out of rehab because he is on a program of honesty. But I feel like I don't need to be specific about him, sharing preferences might change later.
But while we are on the honesty bandwagon here, I'll say that I was a bit nervous about this, our first one-on-one hang out since he's been finished the program. I've been on kind of an off-and-on bender for the past while (basically since I said I was going to start taking my life more seriously) so I felt embarrassed about that.
Also being the self-centered, functioning-alcoholic that I am I worried I would say the wrong things or feel defensive of my own habits or feel uncomfortable about his new-found beliefs.
Valid concerns.
We had a really nice hang, though. A lot of honest conversation and it was good to hear about what he's going through right now.
He sounds more warm and positive than pretty much everyone else I know these days. I think it's taking effort to stay like that, but when I saw him he did seem less cynical than he'd ever been.
I have it in my mind that being a recovering addict would be very depressing and hard and lonely and I think at times (a lot of times?) it would be. But probably if you could go about doing it right and making a new kind of life for yourself then it would be the best thing. If you could find enough support and counseling and new activities...
Not that it wouldn't be hard. No of course holy shit that'd be hard.
The idea of never drinking again puts me into a panic, I'll tell you that for sure. But that's why AA says one day at a time, apparently.
I realize that I am a problem-drinker. I have not hit any type of bottom yet though so I am still in it. I'm not at a point where I can seek help for it. I think a lot (a lot a lot) of us are at that point. I'm also still at a point where I could get out of it, I believe.
It's easy to find humour in benders and in ridiculous behaviours. It's easy to laugh off blacking out and think about how little fun staying in and going to sleep would have been.
I feel a bit of relief sometimes when I get to have a drink which is not a good sign, I realize that. But I am not drinking seven days a week and I am not the worst trainwreck ever. Just a bit of a fenderbender right now.
If the addiction is a symptom of underlying problems then I guess yeah, I should be making an effort to be finding out why I'm actually like this these days. I should probably be figuring out a way to really love myself.
Ha, that's the worst kind of hard work!
I have a meeting with a possible family doctor for me in a couple of weeks and I suppose I will ask her to refer me to a therapist. A therapist who is covered? Possible? Who knows! I've never met with a counsellor/therapist I liked because I am very manipulative and I can sway stories so it looks like I'm always the victim and should never have to do any work. I need a super-smart therapist who won't believe me and will see through me.
The problem is that I walk in and start crying and then they kind of have to believe me. It's hard not to believe a crying girl. Even if she's maybe crying over her own character failures and not the world's travesties.
It'd be good if I had a therapist who I liked who had little patience for my laziness/excuses.
Hmmm.
Talking to someone like this friend who is really trying to be positive and a good person and not worried about petty shit makes it very hard to be high-strung and rude about everyone. He was really not interested in my babe-drama or my gossip.
I'd like to be a positive person too you know!
Hanging out with him is making me sort of consider my own behaviours and hopefully I'll keep a handle on my life. It's also one of the things that's making me think about how honesty is obviously the best policy.
And I will say that I've been being really honest about things (especially babes) these past couple of weeks and nothing is perfect, but I'm feeling better about myself and have more hope for how things will turn out for me.
Example: AWESOMELY
cougar would like a minute of your time for feedback on what you've seen on my page, they have a survey set up here, which if you fill out they will donate $2 to the Red Cross. So do it. Please. Easypeasy.
(also, the red rain boots featured in the shitty hipstamatic photos here have officially been walked around in for hours by me and I will say they are very comfortable and very, very warm. almost too warm. in a good way. that's all.)
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