we look the same forever

here are some pictures I took of Prune a few years ago. On film, even.
I used to be a pretty good photographer. Until digital came into my life.


Prune-earnest-face is one of my favourite things.

I did not take any photos at dot last night, which is a bit too bad since one dude had a broken nose real bad, I should have documented it better.
Fisher said "you said I was a bit of a baby!" and I laughed. 

Here are pictures Prune took of me on that same day:

Whoa, highlights, hey?
Five years ago, and we still look pretty much the same. Haa, man, we look the same as grade 3, who are we kidding?


Solidgold hang times with Prune. Pretty much as always. Sure, Prune irritates me just as much as anyone else, but I know her. I know her probably better than I know anyone. I don't have to explain anything to her or give her the backstory, she was there for most of it. And we also have similar approaches to communicating (mostly). 

Island this summer:



(Remember the summertime? Not to go on about this, but MAN am I excited for this summer.)



anyway. yes, we hung out at dot and in true dot fashion we ran into another woman we've been meaning to make plans with. How totally classic.




All I've been listening to is the new Timber Timbre album. I just love this guy, guys.
Again, you can stream it here.
Fisher says it's not as good as the last one. And maybe not but it is surely still delicious and you can listen to them back-to-back if you like I'm alright with that for sure.


I've done a bit of cleaning lately, big sorting and cleaning out and tossing shit.
Diabetes foundation did a pick-up today and I left them 4 garbage bags full of stuff. Amazing. And that wasn't even all the clothes because I saved a bag to take for swapping. (clothing swaps are my life.)
Threw out so many shoes! Fuck you, shoes!
I still have 3 pairs of small brown boots. It's actually insane the amount of boots I need.
Boots boots boots boots.

Hey tomorrow is the 7 year anniversary of me living on my own. WHOA. Also 7 years in this apartment. Whoaly.

Prune brought me sage to burn in the corners of this place the first night we came here and a fuse had blown and there was no light. I didn't even have a bed when I first came here. I did have a lot of CDs, though. Ha, priorities. 


Haa, my kitchen shelves still look like this basically. And this is from 5 years ago. I don't care. I still like it.

Plus it looks like I'm moving out in a couple of months here. PANIC. No, I used to have multiple panic dreams about losing this apartment but lately I feel a bit tired of this place and I have multiple dreams of finding other rooms and spaces I'd never realized were there.
Several dreams of rooftop gardens and several dreams of finding a whole other room which can just be my closet (haaaa imagine having a whole room devoted to clothes/accessories? yikes).


Before I had an AC unit in the back window I used to climb out onto the roof more. This is the view from outside.
Still love this place. Hopefully will sublet it for a few years, or hopefully someone I know rents it and then if they ever leave maybe I'd want it back.


These are today.
I get to work the Korn concert tonight. Where is the backward R key?

Then Jays home opener tomorrow and I'll be back in the green. Right? Lord, I hope so.

work, hoops, dot, groceries, story of my life

My stomach is upset. Which I blame on Hoops. Obviously. And my other favourite bar which I'm going to stop naming it proper instead I will refer to it as The Dot. Because it is my favourite place to get locked-in to (in Britain this is what they call drinking after-hours, being a lock-in.)
I LOVE BEING A LOCK-IN.
It is my favourite passtime.
I left the dot last night at reg closing time and everyone was like "where are you going?" haahaaa classic.
Actually last night was a good indicator of my life lately. Work, Hoops, Dot, groceries at Metro at 3 a.m.

Pretty perfect.



I can say with certainty that I have crushes on pretty much everyone I hang out with at the dot.
This is kind of lovely. And not my fault because everyone is great. And babely. Why do babes travel in packs? Split yourselves up so I don't look so fickle, hey?

My bartender-friend is super lovely. He will be called Fisherman. Why? Because he looks like one. Obviously. He also has a sweet beard.
Actually he kind of looks like a voyageur. Voyageur/lumberjack/fisherman, which is funny considering how he is actually kind of big baby. hahahaaawwwwwww adorable! 
Fisher told me that I was being very funny the other night. I know it took me ten minutes to order a drink and that I kept going on about how I am allergic to gluten and diiiicks, and I told them all about how I won all the Junos. So, he's probably. Favourite compliment.
I'll take more pictures of him later for you.
Aww man, I'm supposed to go to the dot tonight again with Prune. Hopefully all of my crushes will be there!

haaa our one friend there let it slip to me that he has a boat and now all I refer to him as is "BOAT"
"I can't hear you over how much I'm thinking about your boat"
"Look, I like you and everything, but please draw me a sketch of me hanging out on your boat"
"Is your boat excited to meet me?"
"How boat are boat boat boat in the boat after boat and boat-boat"
etc.

I think Boat's pretty excited that I'm his new friend.

Carla Ghee had been at Hoops with me earlier (see first photo for evidence!!) and then she turned up at Dot with babe in arm. And by babe in arm I mean babe on arm. Carla Ghee and I like two things very much in common:
1. TEQUILA. (though I like mine with tonic, there it's your new favourite drink, you're welcome)
2. BABES

we also like other things the same but those two are tops. And hoops, and ghosts that say "heyyyy" and norman.

Carla Ghee and I tipped over backwards upside down on our barstools which is totally couth and proper bar etiquetter.
I would know because I know bars. Also, I think it impressed all the babes how flexible we are.

And now my back hurts!


I tried on some random guy's glasses. They looked small-ish on his face. Not so on my gremlin-mug. My vintage frames looked very sweet on him. Too bad no photo.


I have a really good ponytail today. it was better before but it is still alright now. And I did a good audition. Whatever, I didn't even have to say any words so it wasn't terribly difficult. Too bad because MAN am I good at saying words. You have no idea how many words I've said in my day.



Haa last night at work I was feeling particularly jovial and good-natured and I was joking with customers (I am amazing at joking with customers when I am in a good mood. Like sick-good at making obvious, old-man jokes with them, but in a cute way. When I am in this good mood, I make the most money. I wish I could bottle this mood.) and this older man cackle-laughed right when I cackle-laughed about our shared joke and it surprised both of us a little bit I think which made us laugh harder.
That sort of thing makes my life, ya know?



oh yeah, so I've been developing this terrible cackle-laugh for probably a year and half. I like it because it terribly rude/jarring/funny/off-putting/ugly. I find that sort of thing hilarious.
Unfortunately it is now pretty much my reg laugh. siigh.
This replaces my old gaspy-squeal unable-to-breathe laugh which I was prone to in the past. Actually, this still happens mostly only when Niki's around though.  I think I've laughed harder/more with Niki than I have with anyone ever. I think Niki laughs more than anyone though. And usually it's at you!




I've been trying lately to develop a soft and lovely sexy tinkle-jingle trill of an amused giggle but it's not going as well as it could. Give it time though, I believe in me!






Yeah so I was thinking about applying for a job at Hoops, which would probably be AWESOME. except it would also probably be awful. Imagine if I grew to hate Hoops? That'd be the worst. I love it there.
Also last night I for some reason decided to show off all my awesome dance moves so I'm pretty sure they don't want me anyway!
Their fault for having WHAT IS LOVE? by haddaway. ahhaahaaa DanceMix.
Also, yes, I danced just like Ricky:

OBVIOUSLY.
such sweet moves.




this cat likes to be spooned in my arms. She waits beside my head for me to wake up. Sometimes flops down onto my face. cool!


I think I'd make a cute boy. Just saying. 

I didnotdidnotdidnot want to get up this morning but I got up and got going and did my make up and everything like a responsible person. You're proud of me, I can tell.
This meant that I deserved the tulips and latte I got on my way home this afternoon.



The tulips are inspiration to clean up my apartment more (I did a solid bit on it yesterday when I was in an awesome mood for no reason!)... we'll see if that happens. They are a lovely light purple.
Life is great because it's sunny out, the window is wide open, and the cat is all warm and cuddly from sleeping in the sun.

please break this spell you have me under. every heart is a lonesome hunter

I used to go into relationships with guns blazing.
All-out, all-in, open-armed, open-hearted, confident in the possibility that this could be wonderful.



This is mostly why the two-weekers that I was so good at in the past. Or even the couple of intense month-long involvements. Not because I was bad at caring about people, but because I was too good at it -- for a brief moment.

I took the interest that I had in potential dreamboats very seriously and would give in to my inclination to give any slightly-possible situation a chance. I was open to involvements with people that were so obviously unsuited to me, and I was ready to throw myself into being with someone all-the-time and forever, I fully believed in the possibility of love.

I would spend hours with them, I would tell them anything, I would try my hardest to know everything about them, I would do anything for them, take them anywhere, make the biggest plans, make cookies, write poems, trace lines on the palms of their hands, hold on to their hipbones, adore the pimples on their necks, imagine our lives together.

I would fall in love with them, all at once, given any opportunity.




The shitty thing about two-weekers is that when it didn't work (ever) out I looked like a liar or felt like they were a liar.
Was I a liar? Probably. Not on purpose, not by choice. But I would lie to myself to further the situation, to go on pretending that this could be the big love I'd been looking for. I used to be much better at ignoring obvious problems or conflicts.

And they were liars only in the same way, yes.




These days what would have been two-weekers are now either situations I know to avoid or they are much briefer of involvements, with a thousand times less intensity. With no intensity, no actual possibility. There are still fun elements, but it's much less of an experience than I have been used to.
I would never give in to it as much. 



Things lately with men are different. I'm not sure why. Probably because of realizing I could still have small crushes on people I know I am ill-suited to. And that making out with people you are ill-suited to is still fun.
Though much less exciting. Romantically exciting, I mean. 

And probably because I'm not sure I'm looking for a relationship. Mostly because maybe I don't believe in them for me. And why would I?



I don't know, I mean, I also used to hold candles.
I still have people who I hold in my mind as people I could have loved at some point. But I don't have loose ends the way I've had in the past. I don't have people who I think I will someday marry. There is no one I know who I believe I could still fall in love with.

I have kept a list in an old notebook which is titled:
"people I still secretly think I'm in love with sometimes"
an impressive list, actually, and with some of the best men I've ever met on it, obviously. And with some really terrible men on it, of course.
But these days there's no one I'm still holding a candle for. All the names are crossed off.




I think my close friends are somewhat confused and annoyed at the huge crushes I get on people who are obviously not quite interested in me.  Maybe minorly interested, at least in keeping me around a bit, those work the best.
The problem is, I feel too uncomfortable without a good, big #1 crush.

If I have a #1 crush who I don't know well enough to dislike, who is handsome and (especially) talented, and hopefully funny, and who is not around much, and who maybe could possibly at some point fall in love with me like I think he should, then the other things matter less. Minor crushes are minor, being alone is not lonely. A make-out that was annoying really doesn't matter. 
Can I live on crushes? If you think not, then you've never met me. And I'm not actually that sure it's that unhealthy.



When I fall asleep at night I like to think about crushes. I find it reassuring and pleasant to imagine our future interactions and words we might say.
Having no crushes is a bit lonely, I think, not having at least one person in this world that you could see wanting to be with? Slightly upsetting.
That's why I like to have a good, solid fall-back crush. In an odd way, it really has nothing to do with them.
It's the hope and optimism behind it.



I don't know that I believe anymore that I'll ever fall in love. Or maybe just not in the next few years.
Which is not the worst since I think being alone is pretty alright lately. And is just as valid as being half of a couple. And it's nice since I'm very good at lust and crushes and meeting babes, even if they aren't men I'm falling in love with.

Part of it is maybe that I'm not the person I want to be yet.
All just things I'm thinking about. None of this is definitive and I change my mind every few minutes. We all know this.




(these photos are from Saskatoon this August, I am still homesick lately, and trying to get into posting stuff I haven't yet, but still like.)
(also, I'm streaming the new Timber Timbre album here: music.aol.com/new-releases-full-cds/spinner#/11. Gorgeous.)

christmas stockings 2010

You know what I just realized?
I forgot to blog about Christmas, really.
I'm bad at getting around to things. I haven't blogged two Christmases ago, either. Or my roadtrip with my mother last summer. Lots of things, really!

Okay today I'm just going to do Christmas stockings! Too many photos to get through.

This was the first year EVER that for first thing Christmas morning at my mum's house for stockings there was anyone besides me, mum, E, and my aunt Vagabond (aahaahaaahahaha I was about to shorten that to vag then realized probably not).
Anyhow, my brother's GF came and it ended up being nice, but I was still a little hesitant about the whole idea of a somewhat-stranger (to me) being at my favourite moment of the year. Am I selfish cow? Yes.

Anyhow, the addiction of an extra person meant not having Christmas in my mother's bed as we normally do (it's surrounded on 3.5 sides by walls so it's ideal for cuddling on to eat chocolate and drink tea and throw wrapping paper in the air).
So we dragged all our blankets into the living room (which is insanely cozy, anyway) and cuddled up there.


I think next year we're going to have to have an actual limit on how many gifts per stocking. It's sooo easy to go overboard, especially when you're shopping over a couple of months for small things.
Man, did we all get stuff. So many things!

See what I mean? I promise you that my mother and Vagabond's stockings are under there somewhere. But where?


My pile! I was brought to my mother in that red stocking on Christmas morning when I was one day old. Did anything that adorable ever happen to you?
Didn't think so.


My stocking, E's, his gf's. E's stocking is a baby-bundler that he received as an infant. It unlaces to allow for extra gift-storage. Also, very beautiful. I wish I had one.
Haaaa I am never content with what I have, always jealous of everyone else. Aren't we all?


Awww my bro and his gf. They were pretty cute in their new Christmas PJs and her Christmas socks.


We made a bit of a mess. Also, notice the pile of presents behind Mum on the shelf. That was only the tip of the iceberg.


Soooooo many nice things!

We always do stockings and then showers/getting ready and go over to my cousin's house for Christmas Brunch (the crowning jewel of our festivities) and gift exchange. I'll do photos from that soon I hope.


I wear my "it's my birthday" necklace pretty much for all of December.
Did I consider wearing it the other day to a birthday party of a bunch of people I didn't know? Obviously.


I think these photos are from when I wasn't feeling well on my birthday. Or Christmas night? That sucked.

Okaokaokaayaoakokay some of the gifts.


I was into the white and brown paper, stamps, and raffia, obviously. so darling.


sssssssiiiiiiigggggggggggghhhhhhhh



I'm not leaving the house today, I don't think. I need that. I'm about to be working all the time. Okay, maybe not allll the time, but way more than I have been. And I show no signs of losing interest in partying.

So many funtimes lately and so many good jokes. Also, I had my favourite kind of Blizzard last night and now that's all I want more of. Mint Smartie Skor. special order because I'm a pain like that. A pain with excellent taste in caaaaaandy.



How the hell did I not end up with that blue bag? So delicate and wondrous. Want Want Want.

I am for sure naming my kid Wondrous. WONDROUS CHEESBROUGH.

perfect.