Why yes, I do only have pictures from my walks with the dog.
That Bukowski poem shared in reader/buzz/etc sure got a lot of great comments from my friend group. Some a little too crude for posting, I would say.
from Niki:
"ugh. some men are boring."
and then later in the comment thread:
"NO MAKEOUTS FOR ANYONE DELICATE, DELICIOUS, OR WONDROUS!"
and from Cheesepie:
"a woman's value depends only on how consumable she is. known fact! delicate, delicious, or garbage."
and
"it's a boring, grating rhetoric we've had to hear a billion times. want to be a REAL woman? want to keep your mystery intact and be ever more desirable? then limit your interactions with other human beings! never fully be a person! hold out for the ONE!"
I'm going to fully agree with Cheespie on this. Except I still think the poem has a couple of valid bits to it, except that I think it's true for both genders.
It really has nothing to do with whether they are women, more to do with the reasons for seeking out partners, how they're going about relating.
The part that felt true to me was the part about choosing the next one out of revenge.
I'm very, very hesitant to write about Babe Break here because of how it makes me look or what's too much information or how much I actually want to be sharing.
But,
One of the main reasons for Babe Break is an over-saturation of the field. I'm not complaining about meeting and knowing many dudes I can have crushes on, and I'm also not saying I have several men on the go at all times, but it gets to feeling like I just universally have crushes on pretty much everyone. Anyone I decide to, at least. I don't know what's true and I don't feel like I could tell if someone I actually liked came along.
And if I met a potential love interest who acted the way I act a lot of the time in terms of dating/relating/etc, then I wouldn't want to date them. I would find them untrustworthy and full of drama.
I'm sure that there have been friends of mine who have warned off dudes telling them I am made of drama. And I don't know how to say that's not true when I'm just not sure it isn't.
But I don't want it to be.
Dayna wondered out loud yesterday to me whether I'd be content having the sort of lifestyle that she has. Which is to say, a husband that she is head-over-heels about, not too much going-out, and lots of quiet nights in.
I would like to say FUCK YEAH, but who knows if that's actually fully true?
I've never managed to get myself into a situation even close to that, except possibly with a dude I dated a couple of years ago.
We stayed in and watched My So-Called Life, got a lot of take-out, sewed costumes for his band... but then I was sort of mean. I never want to be like that again. The getting mean. I always get mean. I should be taken out back and shot, actually.
But the difference there is that I was just trying so hard to convince myself to love him. I wanted so badly to be in love it seemed that if I pretended hard enough it'd be true. Almost felt like it was.
Unfair of me.
But I wasn't in love with him.
So I don't know how I'd feel about a quiet life hanging out all day with a bestfriend/truelove, but in theory that sounds pretty sweet.
The last semblance of a relationship I was in lasted way longer than most of my involvements and I wonder how much of that was because I was always fighting for his love and fighting to love him without being able to properly communicate or understand him, and maybe because we didn't spend every moment together.
I'd like to find someone I'd actually like to spend a lot of time with.
Haaa, the other day I asked my wonderful, funny, successful screenwriter friend where I should go to find my future husband (on account of I'd like to meet someone similar to him and therefore he should know) and he refused to help me out in any capacity.
I wish I could remember exactly how he put it, but it was something along the lines of
"No. I don't want you to meet him. You're too funny being single and slightly tortured."
I guess that's sort of a compliment.
I did point out to him that I had now built up a lifetime of funny stories about babes to tell. He was unconvinced.
Aaaaanyway, about choosing out of revenge, I don't think that's what I do, exactly, but if you have more than one babe on the go/in mind it makes each heartache that much easier to deal with. You can use one to distract from the other and another to distract from the one, etc. #1 crush is not the awesome dude you thought? well luckily this dude thinks you're the prettiest, etc, etc.
If you get enough cooks in the kitchen you don't even have to notice that nothing is getting cooked.
I am not pleased about operating like this, and that's whyfor Babe Break. To hopefully rearrange my priorities and patterns.
Also, with enough going on you stop noticing that there's no quality in any of the interactions.
I have not been out on a fun date basically... ever. I forget that romance is a thing that people actually experience. I forget how to be sweet to people and how to stop being defensive and rude.
The other bit that I liked about that particular Bukowski piece was about going about interactions selfishly. and,
"you're finally left with whatever
you have been willing to give
which often is:
nothing"
How can I possibly expect to fall in love with someone wonderful when I am not being wonderful, myself?
I know that this is obvious, and I'm sure I've said it before, but, I would like to be the type of person I'd want to be with. And I'm not being awesome right now.
I'm going to take the next little bit to regroup and figure out how to be more awesome. And maybe even get some shit done. Ya know?
YAAAAAY YAY YAYYYY
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