though this is theraputic, I'm not sure it's going to cut the mustard

That tiny baby shat alllll the way up his backside, soaking through multiple layers of clothing and luckily when he was wearing a onesie that only lifted up over his head (gives new meaning to the term poopy- head), and luckily while we were at the community centre and without a tub to just dunk him into. There was shit everywhere!!!
Then that small girl bit me. Hard enough that I still have marks!

And I'm still in a good mood.

Something's wrong with me, life feels pretty great these days.
And I love those kids that I look after. Even when they are being tiny terrors. Such terrors. That baby is so good tempered, if he hadn't of been then that would have been hell, but really it was fine. And that girl panicked so badly when she saw my face after being bitten that I almost laughed out loud. And the she weeped when I sent her to her room. And even though she is rude and a bit of pain she's sweet and pretty funny. If you like that sort of thing.
Which I don't.
I don't want kids.
Or, I have to keep telling myself that, at least.

One time she did something that got to me and I could feel my eyes "flash in anger" as they say and she looked at me and said "I don't like your eyes..."
Best reaction.

They've gotten them into a daycare program though, so I won't be needed in the same capacity anymore. Which is good and bad. I don't like getting up early and it cuts into my writing days and my partying nights. But bad because I was just getting into being a neighbourhood parent and chilling out at my favourite centres and cuddling babies for hours... Man that baby is so cuddly. And so active these days. Mostly he just talks and laughs. I can't believe he's four months now.

I really like seeing all the dads bringing the little ones to junior kindergarten.
I've never had any sort of dad (although in grade 1 they made me make a father's day card for my uncle [who I wasn't even close to, WTF?]) and so I sort of consider them nice but unnecessary. Like a bellybutton. You feel sort of strange without one, but you still function normally...

[My friend, D, showed me vacation pictures of her friend who has four nipples and no bellybutton. ALIEN. Also, awesome.]

Well. I don't know if I function normally. Ever. And I do seem to have some issues. To put it mildly.

One of my work friends told me yesterday that I was, quote, "so pimp".

BWAAHAHAHAHAAH

Now, she did not mean, so much, that I have a stable of prostitutes (I don't think), but more that I always have new babes on the go. This is, of course, #1: not entirely true, #2: blown out of proportion as babes are pretty much the only thing we talk about and, #3: hilarious.

You know what my problem is?
There's so many, but specifically, in terms of being such a trainwreck?
I don't know how to differentiate my feelings towards babes. I do not think of the other ways to interact with babes besides wanting to date them and then being together forever (which is a little odd considering it is not something that has ever been in my repertoire. At all. Ever).

I need to realize that:

a) There are babes I just think are funny. That doesn't mean anything beyond that, it doesn't even mean that I should make out with them, necessarily.

b) Sometimes I just want to do it with a babe but this also doesn't mean that I should think that we should date. Sometimes sex and love have nothing to do with each other. Not that I want them to be separate forever... but, you know.

c) Making out is fun and doesn't need to happen ever again. But also then to be careful of everyone's hearts.

d) Just because a boy has a crush on me does not make him a babe-of-life and it doesn't mean that I should try it out when I know it won't work (by which I mean the relationship, not his parts, necessarily). I still operate on the basis of being unattractive (thank-you high-school) and I think that every babe will be the last.

e) I should fucking stop fucking pushing everything. I have no patience.

f) I need therapy.

Seriously. I'm in such a good mood.
Even though place is disgusting, the cookies are stale, I'm totally broke, I'm avoiding things I need to get done, and my ipod is acting very funny.

I've decided though. Next month is the month for an eye exam and new glasses. I'm very, very excited. I'm going to look very, very pretty. In a sexy librarian kind of a way.

YEAH HUH.

Oh, also, I can't shake the feeling that I'm forgetting something or that something's not quite right. I think that everything is probably about to fall apart in a really hardcore way when I'm least expecting it....
But I'm not a pessimist.